


Ours

by ikonisch (discordinparadise)



Series: this love is ours [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Awkward Dates, Awkwardness, Fluff, I hope you like!, It makes sense I swear, M/M, Roommates, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, also bartender june wowie, binhwan might have a weird thing going on, bob does computing?, both big shy boys, but not many, dating yunchan, dk don't need no man, junhoe loves his poems, lots of feelings, lots of love for each other, self-indungent since i just wanted to write about the cute awkward life of smitten junbob, they're both reeeeally whipped for each other, they're both terrible at emotions, they're just scared that they're not good enough for each other, this is like slow burn...but while they're dating?, tons of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-06-21 09:07:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 93,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15554355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discordinparadise/pseuds/ikonisch
Summary: "Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, we're not meant to be?"Jiwon looked at Junhoe in utter alarm. "What the hell do you mean...?""There has to be a time where you've thought 'no, this won't last'.""Never.""Never?""Never. You know what I see my life being? You. You know what I see in the future? You. With me. And that's the only thing I want to be sure of. As long as we're together, the world is literally ours, Junhoe, and I've got absolutely everything I want for the rest of my life."Junhoe looked down and smiled as he slipped his hand into Jiwon's and held onto it tighter than ever, and that was how Jiwon knew that he felt the exact same way. "'The word is literally ours'. That's so cheesy so why do I love the sound of it?"





	1. prologue

Junhoe and Jiwon had only been dating for one week.

One week.

And they both already felt more confused than they had probably ever been in their lives.

To be fair, it was their own faults. Why _wouldn't_ Junhoe feel confused if Jiwon would do things like kissing him (so lightly) on the cheek before running straight out of the room, and why _wouldn't_ Jiwon feel bewildered if Junhoe would offer to hold hands but the instant Jiwon would agree, the younger would change his mind so abruptly? They were both driving each other slightly crazy without realising—but it was funny because, well, they were kind of used to doing that.

"Hyung," Junhoe suddenly piped up and Jiwon almost jumped out of his seat, breathing heavily as he clutched his heart. 

"W-Where the heck did you come from?"

"I've been here for five minutes..."

"Oh. No, yeah, I totally- totally knew that."

"I wanted to ask you something," Junhoe said as he went to sit next to Jiwon, glossing over that entire earlier situation because he didn't know what to do with it. That got Jiwon's attention since Junhoe usually got straight to the point with everything, but right now, he was stalling and his entire body was seemingly fired up by nerves.

Jiwon wanted to calm him down and hug him and be a _good goddamn boyfriend_ but he just had no idea how to. It was so difficult when it came to Junhoe.

"What is it?"

"Nothing big, just...wondering when we'll actually tell everyone we're dating."

Jiwon's eyes widened. "Woah...um, do you want to?"

Junhoe quickly shook his head before pausing, then nodding a little hesitantly before shaking his head again. "I don't know, it just—I feel like they're not gonna realise on their own at any point. We're not the _most_ couply-"

"Do you think you're ready for it, though?"

Junhoe frowned, looking like he was in very deep thought before he slowly shook his head like some kind of lost puppy. Jiwon's heart went out to his boyfriend who was so cute and pretty and hot and perfect and he couldn't help but think _damn straight, suckers, he's **mine**. Somehow._

"We'll figure it out one day," Jiwon said softly, offering Junhoe the last chip from the bowl on the table as a sign of consolation and the younger smiled gratefully—and he might've not met Jiwon's eyes but it was definitely something. 

"Thanks, hyung. That sounds nice."

"We'll be figuring out a ton of things together as long as you're stuck with me," Jiwon said, going back to his phone but before he could properly get into his game of Crossy Road, something warm and soft met his cheek and he died a little inside.

"Blame it on the late hour," Junhoe mumbled, light pink spreading across the bridge of his nose as he pulled away and coughed to hide his embarrassment. Jiwon was just staring at the younger like he was possessed, his mouth hanging open and his face burning red—and there was nothing more that he wanted to do right then than kiss Junhoe so hard that neither of them would be able to think straight for days.

But when Junhoe's head reluctantly fell against Jiwon's arm and his eyes slipped shut, revealing the ultimate sleeping beauty, all those thoughts left. Right now, all Jiwon wanted was for Junhoe to have sweet dreams and one day, _one_ day they'll work up to everything else.

The trip was slow, but they were getting there.

 


	2. junhoe

Maybe Junhoe was really going mad, but the world oddly seemed like a better place now. He just seemed... _happier_ , more so than usual, and he had no idea why.

Maybe an explanation of that could have been what happened that morning, something strange which Junhoe's heart was still doing windmills about. It was so domestic, so normal, so...bonkers.

"Happy birthday to you," Junhoe sang tiredly as he poked at his cereal. "Or, it better be your birthday since you're getting the treat of being eaten by the fabulous moi. You should be thankful."

_"We are, oh-so-wonderful Junhoe!"_ the 'cereal' squeaked and Junhoe smirked. "Damn straight."

"What's the weird kid doing now?" a light, raspy voice asked as out of the bedroom door came a messy-haired, shirtless Jiwon and Junhoe immediately sat to attention, trying his best to keep his eyes off of the elder as he replied, "Nothing..."

Jiwon didn't really respond as he disappeared into Junhoe's room (for...some reason) and the latter sighed in relief, laying his head against the table. He wished that he had just never woken up and civilisation had taken over him and all of the little people would call him the second Gulliver and he'd be like a national icon but then he'd wake up and everyone would think that they were being terrorised and bolt off screaming—

"Anything to eat?" Jiwon called out from inside the room and Junhoe scrambled to sit up, scratching the back of his head as he said, "Yeah...I'm pretty sure we're all stocked up. Toast, eggs, bagels, cornflakes, everything."

Jiwon made a sharp gasp which made Junhoe smile. "What?! But that never _ever_ happens 'cause we're the worst!"

"Ah, I tricked Jinhwan-hyung into buying groceries for us. I gave him my own money, I swear."

Jiwon was silent for a short moment, and then his voice was quieter than expected when he said, "That's ma boy." Junhoe bit his lip, dipping his head a little so he was facing his cereal which he was only poking at this point. He really hoped that no part of him had turned red.

"I'll eat some toast then," Jiwon said matter-of-factly as he resurfaced from Junhoe's room wearing...one of Junhoe's hoodies? One of his favourites as well, a black and white crossed one that looked so fashionable but was really the most comfortable thing ever. It was quite big for Jiwon since it was already larger than Junhoe (it had actually been pretty hard for Junhoe to accept that they had a weight difference at first) but he looked so nice and...to keep a story short, Junhoe loved seeing him in his clothes so much and he didn't know how to keep his feelings at bay.

"Hey, that's mine."

"I know," Jiwon said sheepishly as he walked over to Junhoe slowly, stuffing a hand in one of the hoodie's pockets. "I couldn't really find anything clean of mine so...sorry, Junhoe."

"It's alright!" Junhoe said quickly, waving his hands to show it was okay. "I mean, it's a first that someone's actually borrowed something of _mine_ for once."

"Exactly, you're always taking my stuff," Jiwon grumbled before leaning over Junhoe to get the bread and the younger's eyes blinked, his heartbeat speeding up a little at the sheer closeness. And so maybe he wasn't quite thinking straight when the instant Jiwon started pulling back, Junhoe looped an arm around Jiwon's waist and pulled him into his lap.

"W-Woah, what the heck are you...?" Jiwon trailed off when Junhoe dropped his head onto his shoulder, hiding his burning face in Jiwon's neck. It was kind of sweet, and Jiwon felt himself relaxing just a tiny bit even if it was still so weird and would probably never happen again in a million years.

_But oh my God, this is probably the coupliest thing we've ever done oh my goD—_

"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" Jiwon asked instead, taking a bite out of his bread (which was not toasted since Junhoe wasn't quite letting him go anywhere but eh). Junhoe finally brought his head up and shook it, his hold on Jiwon tightening. 

"Nah, I don't think I've got any morning classes today."

"You might."

"I might not."

"But like either way, you won't go, will you?"

"Meh."

Jiwon grinned, stretching out and Junhoe stared at him for a moment, a soft smile growing on his face when Jiwon made a small, squeaky noise. People were strange when they stretched.

"So...uh...how's things?"

"Alright."

"Ah, that's good!"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah."

They both looked around anxiously, in danger of veering into uncomfortable silence but then Junhoe said with a sadder tone than he had intended, "I can't eat my cereal now."

"Oh no, the _horror_ ," Jiwon murmured (even though he did sound a little bit genuinely worried) before he laid a hand on Junhoe's thigh which made the younger let out a little squeak before he covered his mouth. But turned out it was only leverage for Jiwon to spin around so he was facing Junhoe and basically straddling him, a slightly nervous but very bright smile on his face—and the cereal bowl in his left hand. "Want me to feed you?"

Junhoe's eyes had never widened so much. "Wha—hyung, nO-"

"Say 'ahhhh'!" Jiwon cheered, bringing the spoon up but the younger frantically shook his head, leaning back. "I refuse-"

"'Ahhh'!"

"This is a viOLATION-"

"I'm your damn boyfriend, let me feed you-"

"But this wasn't in the contract!"

"There was no contract, there'll only be a contract when we get _married_...oh shit."

Junhoe's mouth was open, his face unreadably impassioned as he stared at Jiwon who shamefully put the spoon into Junhoe's mouth. "...you should eat..."

"Did you say w-when?" Junhoe asked after he swallowed with difficulty, his mouth feeling unbearably dry even though he had just had a mouthful of milk. "Like, not... _if_?"

Jiwon was simply muttering curses under his breath, his hair hanging over his eyes as he tried to get off of Junhoe but the latter wouldn't let him, his arms still firm around Jiwon's waist. "Hyung?"

"I-It was just a slip of the tongue," Jiwon mumbled, not meeting Junhoe's eyes and the younger didn't know why he deflated. "I just...I just really, really like you, okay, so I don't have control over what I say sometimes."

Junhoe instantly inflated again, smiling a little. "Me neither. I like you _more_."

"Oh shut up, you tsundere-"

"It's true! I'm a very emotive person."

"Then why won't you open your heart to me, I'm trying so hard..."

"Oi, I _have_ opened my heart to you, I like you a lot!"

"I like you way more!"

"You wish!"

"I would if I had to but it's the truth."

"Wow, I feel so betrayed."

"You wouldn't if you could accept what aren't lies."

Junhoe pouted. "Ouch."

"Can I go now?" Jiwon asked, looking far too smug and Junhoe only frowned, his fingers ever-so-slowly tapping on Jiwon's sides and it was so tantalising to think that if they just slipped under the hoodie then he could feel Jiwon's warm skin and oh lord, Junhoe was getting flustered just thinking about it, why _was_ he even thinking about it—

"Can I?" Jiwon repeated without knowing what was going through his boyfriend's mind and Junhoe nodded, not trusting himself to speak as his hands started growing clammy. Jiwon only whooped as he climbed off of Junhoe's lap, almost falling off twice but he got there in the end. Junhoe probably should have helped but he didn't quite know how to move his hands in the right way to do that...he was too caught up in himself that he barely even realised that Jiwon was almost out the door, only stopping to call out, "Junhoe!"

Junhoe blinked, turning his head. "Yeah?"

Jiwon blew the cheesiest kiss in the world and Junhoe cringed, appalled when very deep down, he wanted to blow one back. And then Jiwon was cackling as he left and Junhoe was alone to eat his cereal which was all he had wanted to do in the first place.

Why couldn't he stop smiling the entire time he tried to eat it, though?

A bonkers morning indeed.

 


	3. jiwon

There was absolutely no doubt whatsoever that Jiwon was completely and utterly smitten for Junhoe. Probably more than Junhoe would ever be able to realise. And it was the hardest thing for Jiwon to tone it down, but also not _that_ hard since he always freaked out just thinking about the things that he wanted to do with Junhoe.

Six of their group, meaning excluding Junhoe, were sitting under the tree they always did to keep out of the glaring shade. They were all talking and being dorks but Jiwon couldn't help but keep craning his neck to look behind them to see if a certain sweet giant would walk in, but there seemed to be no luck so far.

"What do you think an egg would be as a human?" Jinhwan asked and Chanwoo snorted, replying, "Simple. Jiwon-hyung in a beanie."

The group erupted into laughter while Hanbin gasped, "Oh my God, I _see_ it!"

"You shouldn't see anything!" Jiwon yelped, scrambling to hug his head so no-one would look at it but everyone just laughed harder, especially Jinhwan who fell back onto Hanbin and Yunhyeong who didn't bother pushing him off.

"It's okay, hyung, you're a beautiful egg."

A chorus of 'ooooh!'s went up through the group as well as Donghyuk shamelessly singing 'shaLALALA' and Jiwon looked up only to see Junhoe standing there with his hands in his pockets and his eyes facing the ground. Jiwon's heart instantly felt at ease at the sight of him even if the hairs on his arms felt pricklier than usual now. "Thanks, Junhoe..."

"No problem..."

"OUR ORIGINAL SHIP IS THRIVING, Y'ALL-" Jinhwan yelled before Jiwon tackled him and wrapped a hand around his mouth.

"You wanna die, hyung?"

"Mmf mreloofreef," Jinhwan replied so crystal-clearly, his eyes crinkled which showed that he was still being a little shit and Jiwon rolled his eyes. But he slowly let go of the elder when Junhoe sat down on the grass next to him, keeping some distance but still close enough that Jiwon's heartbeat sped up.

"You sure kept it subtle, didn't you?" Jiwon whispered to Junhoe once the others were off talking about some other stupid thing. The younger frowned, poking the ground as he grumbled, "It just came out, I couldn't _help_ it."

"So what if it turns into you kissing me as something that 'just came out'?"

"We haven't even kissed yet!"

"You said that _far_ too loud-"

"So what, I don't care if they know..."

Junhoe and Jiwon both looked at each other with eyes wide as the earth after the former said that, blinking almost simultaneously before they both looked away and tried their best to get back into the others' conversation and forget all about their one.

"No homo but I would totally date Jinhwan-hyung if I had to choose one of you idiots."

"Hanbin, that was all the homo and you know it."

Jinhwan batted his eyelashes at Hanbin who grimaced before instantly hugging Yunhyeong so tight that the latter struggled for breath. "I change my mind, Yunhyeong-hyung's forever my bae."

"Noo, he's mine!" Donghyuk yelped, pulling Yunhyeong's arm towards him but Hanbin stayed strong and hugged Yunhyeong's head to his chest. "How _dare_ thee, we've been the power couple for centuries-"

"I'll have you know that Yundong sounds like the cutest thing ever while Yunbin just sounds like somewhere to put your _trash-_ "

"I do not appreciate this slander, young mAN-"

"Aren't you worried about your boyfriend being pulled about by two creepy guys?" Jiwon asked Chanwoo with a raised eyebrow while looking at how fed-up Yunhyeong seemed (poor guy even though everyone was usually making fun of him 24/7), but the youngest only grinned. 

"This is entertaining as hell, I don't know what you're saying."

"Wow, relationship goals-"

"Woah, who's talking about Junhoe and Jiwon-hyung?" Hanbin called out, everyone suddenly freezing except Jiwon took no time in reaching over and punching the other's side hard (mostly to give Junhoe justice since his boyfriend suddenly looked like he was going to burst into flames).

"Stop saying stuff like that!"

"We're _kidding_ , you pebbles," Donghyuk giggled, wrapping an arm around Junhoe's shoulders and Yunhyeong looked very relieved at the change of subject. "You guys need to remember that, nothing we say is actually serious."

"But you're the ones making us awkward," Junhoe pointed out, making everyone pause for a moment. But then Jiwon shook his head, about to pat Junhoe on the arm before deciding against it, and said, "It's my fault too."

Junhoe looked at Jiwon like he was absolutely mental. "What? No way, you're sweet as heck and you know I'm a tsundere."

Jiwon put a hand on his heart, half-genuinely choking up as he whispered emotionally, "You _are._ "

Junhoe almost face-palmed. "We should both shut up now."

"Agreed."

"It actually amazes me how you two can be like that," Yunhyeong sighed wistfully for some reason and before Jiwon could ask dumbly 'like what?', Hanbin nudged Yunhyeong in the arm. 

"Hyung, go away, no-one likes you."

"But...but you guys were just-"

"Today's a nice day," Jiwon whispered discreetly to Junhoe and the younger blinked. 

"Wait, we're still doing this secret whispering thing-"

"Let's go on a date."

Junhoe almost punched Jiwon in the gut to shut him up. "Why would you say that?!"

"Because my sweetheart deserves nice things—dude, it's not that deep, stop looking like I'm gonna kill you."

"This is still so goddamn strange," Junhoe sighed, pulling his knees to his chest which was a rather awkward task. "I think I'm excited, though."

"Why?"

"To see where this can all possibly go. Maybe we actually _will_ become a power couple, hyung."

Jiwon winced, instantly looking down at the ground. "Gosh, now _you're_ being the cheesy one, I hate you."

"#SignsofaDysfunctionalRelationship-"

"I'll murder you once I can actually muster up the sense of not being weird about laying my hands on you."

"Ooh, that sounded strange."

"You love me for it."

"God, that's even _stranger._ "

The conversation died out pretty quickly after that, though it ended with Jiwon and Junhoe sending each other shy smiles and Chanwoo from beside them had to pretend like he had heard absolutely none of their conversation.

No, Chanwoo didn't say nothing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I know that this book seems all dialogue and not that deep just yet, but things...things will happen. it's just all mild at the moment (and don't immediately think angst lmao that's not what this book's here for)
> 
> thank you for reading!


	4. junhoe

Later that day, Junhoe had walked into his and Jiwon's dorm after his last class, ready to sink into a bed and just relax to death. But when he got through a bit of distance, his eyes suddenly locked on a stream of bubbles coming out of the bedroom. His mouth subconsciously made an 'o' as he moved towards them, about to poke one but a bubble popped right on his nose which made him scrunch up his face a little.

And Jiwon had made his appearance by now, grinning at Junhoe with a raging bubble gun in his left hand and thoughts of how cute his boyfriend was in his head.

"Hyung!" Junhoe yelped in surprise when he saw Jiwon who almost jumped five feet. "Sorry, um...why the bu-"

"Just thought it would be fun to channel my inner kid for the billionth time," Jiwon replied with a beam, messily twirling around and a flow of bubbles spun with him, encasing him in some sort of rainbow flourish. Junhoe watched in absolute awe, moving forward a little hesitantly to go to his bedroom because he knew he had to rest but he eventually had no choice when the elder pulled him forward by the arm. "Come on, when is it ever not time for _bubbles_?!"

"I'd love to but...I'm really tired."

Jiwon instantly grew still, all the party in him deflating as he let out a very sad, weak stream of bubbles. "Aw...you should go rest, then. I'll be here, saving the universe with the mightiest form of water without my trusty partner in crime..."

Even if it was just a few words that Jiwon may have not even meant, Junhoe really couldn't help his heart smiling (because that was apparently possible) at Jiwon thinking that they were 'partners in crime'. Or maybe Jiwon actually didn't mean _Junhoe_ at all but someone else like Donghyuk or Hanbin...

_That makes sense._

"Come with me," Junhoe said, trying to take hold of Jiwon's hand and the latter reached out to try and let him take it but then Junhoe chickened out so he tried to take hold of Jiwon's wrist but then the other pulled his arm back for some reason and it was just a whole mess of backwards and forwards until Junhoe just tugged on Jiwon's hoodie sleeve and all was good. Then they were walking to Jiwon's bedroom, making the elder furrow his eyebrows. "Wait, why are we going to my one-"

"Yours is honestly way cleaner, as much as that pains me to admit."

Jiwon smirked, about to cross his arms before he realised he couldn't. "Damn straight."

"Neither of us are straight, hyung."

"Well duh, I'm super gay for you—I mean, whaaaat, who said something?"

Junhoe bit his lip which barely stopped his smile, turning on the light of the bedroom before he approached the bed and simply fell back onto it, making Jiwon fall onto him with a small, surprised 'oof'. " _Finally_. They should totally get some beds for lectures."

"But then no-one would listen."

" _But_ more people would attend."

"Woooah..." Jiwon said with wide eyes before he suddenly realised their position and quickly rolled off of Junhoe, trying to pretend like nothing had happened as he squirted some bubbles into the air.

Then neither of them spoke for while.

Junhoe just lay there, serene as hell with his eyes closed and a smile on his face that would get wider whenever he felt a bubble pop on some part of him or if he would hear Jiwon making some sort of quiet yet strange sound. But then very, very hesitantly, a finger poked Junhoe's side and the latter's eyes shot open. "Junhoe?"

"Ah...yeah?" Junhoe replied a little stiffly as he moved onto his side to face Jiwon who was frowning.

"Well, bubbles are pretty but they get kind of boring after a while," Jiwon mumbled, aiming his gun straight at Junhoe's face. The younger's eyes widened and he was about to object before a tiny bubble came out and popped right in front of Junhoe's eyes, making him squeeze them shut and make a short kind of yelp that reminded Jiwon of a yappy dog.

"Ahh, I could never get bored of _that_ , though."

"I'll give you payback when I'm more alive," Junhoe grumbled, collapsing onto his back again. He didn't really hear any movement until a few minutes later when Jiwon inched so close that Junhoe could feel the darn body heat radiating off of him, and his heartbeat had already picked up incredibly when Jiwon's lips reached his ear to whisper, "I know something I could do to wake you up."

Junhoe couldn't help the tiny whimper that left his mouth as he instantly flushed red, feeling like every inch of his body was about to break out into a sweat. He just wanted Jiwon to _leave_ but he also kind of wanted him to do whatever he was talking about but that would never happen because they would _never_ and it had only been a _week_ and Junhoe was simply suffering from hot-boyfriend-syndrome, everything was completely _fine—_

Meanwhile, Jiwon was just staring amazedly at how flustered Junhoe looked that he had kind of forgotten what he was talking about.

"W-What would you do?"

"Huh?"

"You were gonna do something, right...?"

"Wait, was I?"

"Yeah, something to wake me up."

"Oh right, I was gonna make coffee," Jiwon said bluntly and Junhoe blinked, absolutely frozen for a moment before he let out a puff of breath filled with amusement and relief. Honestly, what even _was_ Jiwon? "Do you want coffee?"

"Sure," Junhoe replied once he realised that he was supposed to answer. Jiwon curtly nodded, about to get up before Junhoe stole the bubble gun and squirted it straight into Jiwon's face which only made the latter yell and wave his arms about like a frenzied windmill.  

"Woah, woah, not coOL-" 

"I can give you mooore-"

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Jiwon yelped as he rolled over and hid his face in Junhoe's neck, making the younger squirm from laughing too hard until slowly, they both fell quiet and realised just how close they were to each other (and it was terrifying).

They slightly turned to take a look at each other before quickly springing apart, Jiwon muttering flustered apologies while Junhoe laughed nervously and tried to tell him that it was okay.

"Dear God, we're a mess, aren't we?"

"That sounds about right."

"I like us, though," Jiwon said quietly and Junhoe honestly couldn't help but feel like he was floating after hearing that. Junhoe _knew_ just how much Jiwon adored him in his strange way, what with the way the guy stared at him with sparkles in his eyes and how he would randomly say or do sweet things that had Junhoe's heart ticking like a bomb. Jiwon liked him, _really_ liked him, and Junhoe liked him back but he just had absolutely no idea how to show it.

It made him feel terrible.

"Hyung, what do you see in me?"

Jiwon blinked, looking up at Junhoe with furrowed eyebrows. "Is this coming from the same guy who checks himself out in the mirror like three times a day?"

"Oi, you're _dating_ me."

"So?"

"Uh, you know better than anyone except my mum that my looks are perfection so you just can't choose _that_ as an argument-"

"Okay, okay, I get it. You're beautiful and everyone knows it," Jiwon murmured, a soft smile on his face as he looked at Junhoe and the latter couldn't help but look away at the ceiling like nothing was happening.

He wondered if Jiwon would be the first one to say 'I love you'.

He wondered how he'd actually react to it when he did.

"So what else do you see in me? I hope it's not all looks, even though I wouldn't blame you to be honest."

"Nah, of course it's not all looks," Jiwon snorted, giving Junhoe one last look before staring up at the ceiling too. "You're...funny. Really funny, and you have this great laugh that sounds like the happiest thing in the world, and you're so...talented! You can make any song your own and I could literally write an essay for your voice, just wait for it—oh wow, Junhoe, please tell me to stop being creepy-"

"No, keep going," Junhoe urged, his eyes sparkling a little and Jiwon frowned in thought.

"Well...you care, in a strange way and you've got a difficulty showing your emotions but that's just adorable and I know you care. And you're loud as heck and I've always found that cute, even if you're kind of quiet with me sometimes but I get that."

"I don't mean to be."

"Oh no no no, it's fine, I promise, 'cause I still know you care."

"Stop saying I care, it's starting to sound weeeeird," Junhoe whined, hugging himself from cringe and all Jiwon could do was bark in laughter. "I hate you."

"I know."

"Ugh, hyung, you're not supposed to answer like that-"

"Aaaaaall the hatred you have for me will be overpowered by my love, so," Jiwon said casually, shrugging and Junhoe bashed him in the stomach with a pillow. "HeY-"

"When will you _ever_ stop-"

"When you break up with me."

Junhoe looked at Jiwon incredulously, eyebrows pulled together as Jiwon simply smirked at him. "That's...that's just pure blackmail."

"Then you better get used to it!"

Junhoe groaned loudly and smashed the pillow onto his own face, completely ignoring Jiwon rolling about in his horrible, blackmail-y laughter.

Junhoe was not amused.

 


	5. jiwon

"So, how do you feel about pet names?"

"I'm not really...called them a lot? So I guess I don't know? And I'm not one to use them either," Junhoe replied as he drew random shapes on the table, trying to see if he'd make a major discovery in a way that required near to no effort. That was the _dream._ "Why?"

" _I'm_ a pet names person, that's why," Jiwon said with a large grin that got Junhoe a little scared when he looked up to glance at the elder. "I wonder just how long you'd last with me, sometimes."

"If you call me buttercup or boo bear then you'll be paralysed for years, I'm _not_ jo-"

"I know, I get the message," Jiwon snorted, rolling his eyes as he held his arms up in surrender. "But I can't help who I am, bunnyboo."

The apartment was filled with cackles as an unimpressed Junhoe threw a spoon at Jiwon's head.

###

"Jiwon?" Yunhyeong asked in surprise as he resurfaced from the counter. "Why aren't you at school?"

"Why aren't _you_ is also a fair question."

"Stop trying to sound pseudo-smart, you know I've got work now," Yunhyeong scoffed, tying up the back of his uniform apron and Jiwon only grinned as he leant his elbows against the counter and looked around at all the flowers. "So, how can a poor, lowly florist help you?"

"Firstly, shut up, and I don't want much, I...just need a few red roses, carnations, amaryllises and lavender. I totally didn't think about this beforehand."

"Sure you didn't and hey, what kind of event is this for?" Yunhyeong then gasped loudly as he nudged Jiwon in the arm. "You haven't got someone special, have you?"

"Wha...? Pfft, _no_ ," Jiwon aggressively snorted, crossing his arms and averting his eyes to the side. "I'm incredibly single, so single that I'm a Pringle and that means that Hanbin could eat me—wait, that sounded so much worse than I wanted it to-"

"Wow, you really _are_ single, aren't you?"

Jiwon nodded vibrantly, feeling very triumphant because of his incredible, unintentional acting. "Yes, sir!"

"Alright kid, just write down your name and what you want here and I'll go get it prepared for you. Don't kill yourself or the shop or God forbid _both_ while I'm gone, okay?"

"'Kay."

Yunhyeong sent Jiwon cheesy finger guns that were so cringy before leaving and then Jiwon just walked around the shop a little, looking at the flowers and trying to guess what they all were before checking the tags. Fair to say, he was doing worse than a son who had an obsessed-with-flowers mother should.

_That would make eomma sad. I'm a bad son..._

His phone started buzzing at one point, and he opened it up only to smile instantly, seeing 'my awk sweet giant' as the Caller ID.

Jiwon had only added the 'my' when they had started dating and it made him feel so elated every time he saw it, which wasn't a lot since when did Junhoe ever even call him?

Jiwon answered without actually saying anything, getting distracted by a Venus flytrap that he kept on nearing his finger to before chickening out, but Junhoe stole his attention as he said uncertainly, "Jiwon-hyung...?"

"Junhoe!" Jiwon cheered loudly, almost knocking over a pot in his hype but Junhoe didn't seem as excited since he only sighed heavily. 

"Did I have to speak first because you still haven't saved my number yet?"

"No, no, I have! You _have_ to believe me, sugar sprinkles-"

"Ugh, stOP, I can't even throw anything at you!"

"How 'bout you throw your love at me, coochie coo-"

"Do you actually _enjoy_ this?" Junhoe wailed and Jiwon had to try so hard not to burst into laughter as he squeaked out with difficulty, "I-I hella enjoy your reaction-"

"You're not even gonna ask me why I'm calling, then?"

Jiwon's eyes widened as he suddenly realised that this was a very rare occurrence and he nodded, saying, "Go on, go on, I'll shut up now."

"Uh-"

"So, a reservation for two, sir?" Jiwon heard another, refined-sounding man say which made him a little confused. A reservation? Why on earth would Junhoe be making a reservation, and for who? "How about eight pm tomorrow?"

"Ah, yes, that's perfect, I think."

"So it's settled?"

"Absolutely."

Jiwon simply waited, eyebrows furrowed as he tried to pick out any more talking but Junhoe was back to speaking loudly in his ear as he said, "Sorry, hyung, just had to get something done."

"Okay, um...I think I gotta go."

"Wait, what? But I still need to-"

"Yunhyeong's drowning in flowers, okay, see ya, bye!" Jiwon said quickly before hanging up, and not even a second passed before a loud, offended voice called out, "I'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DON'T USE ME FOR YOUR EXCUSES!"

"How long will the flowers take?" Jiwon asked flatly, ignoring Yunhyeong's yelp, and the latter hummed a little before resurfacing and coming up to the counter. 

"I can get it to you before the afternoon's over."

"Sounds good."

"Okay, what on earth happened in the last few minutes I was gone? Your smile's completely melted off your face and now I'm worried," Yunhyeong said with a frown and Jiwon was about to dismiss the subject before the former gasped, "Is your special someone _not_ your special someone anymore?!"

"Oh God, Yunhyeong, I don't have a-"

"Just bear through it, me and Chanwoo broke up for like three days once. I think it initially started with gummy bears...but anyway, it was horrible. Just try and solve whatever it is right away before-"

"I'm not with anyone, for God's sake!" Jiwon yelled, slamming his hand down on the table and Yunhyeong flinched, shutting up immediately and Jiwon let out a deep sigh. "...sorry, man. I think I'm just overreacting over something that'll probably turn out to be nothing in the end."

Yunhyeong nodded sympathetically, opening his mouth to say something before stopping and gesturing to the rest of the shop. "Wanna take a complimentary flower? Anything you want, it's on me."

Jiwon snorted, smiling a little. "Why are you acting like that's something I'd _really_ want?"

"Not _you_ , maybe, but for your special so—I mean, nothing. I didn't say anything, what are you talking about, I'm innocent-"

"Song, shut up, I'll take a rose," Jiwon said amusedly, picking a purple one from the small arrangements on the counter. Yunhyeong grinned and then they were saying their goodbyes, as happy and normal as ever, but Jiwon's smile slipped the instant he stepped out of the shop.

_Am I being stupid?_

And then he was walking down the street, one hand in his jean pocket and the rose being twirled in the other as he had never had more of an urge to see Junhoe than right then. Though it may not have been a good idea to jumpscare the kid the instant he walked through the apartment door.

"What the flippety heck, hyung?!" Junhoe yelped, clutching his heart with his eyes wide and Jiwon wished that could have made him laugh as much as it usually would have. "Are you trying to kill-"

"Can I ask you something?"

Junhoe blinked, confused by the serious atmosphere as he slowly placed his bag on the floor as if going faster might trigger Jiwon. "Um, sure..."

Jiwon scrunched up his nose as he contemplated the question that he was actually going to ask, scared to do it as he almost just didn't, before in the end he decided to almost yell it at Junhoe. "Are we exclusive?"

Junhoe blinked, opening his mouth to answer before closing it and swallowing nervously. To be honest, _he_ had thought about this before too and he wasn't sure how to answer. "I...I don't know."

"Oh," Jiwon mumbled, lowering his eyes to the ground. "Alright. I just didn't know either because-"

"'Cause I was an idiot who only asked you out and I didn't...say anything about..."

"Labels."

"I call you my boyfriend in my head," Junhoe muttered under his breath and Jiwon instantly perked up, holding back a grin because people always told him that he smiled too easily. "But hyung...why'd you ask?"

"A-Ah, just-"

"Do you want to date other people too?" Junhoe asked with the saddest look on his face, mixed with emotions like disappointment but there was no surprise which was the most upsetting part. "It's not like I can _stop_ you, I guess, even though I—you know what, never mind-"

"No, wait a second, I would never! You're my one and only and you probably always will be 'cause I like you so much that it drives me _crazy_ ," Jiwon said frantically without really thinking about what he was saying, not noticing how red Junhoe was turning. "But while we were talking on the phone, you were making a reservation and I was all like 'oh my God, what's happening, am I a _side chick_ now?!'"

"Oh gosh, hyung, I-"

"And it got me really stressed and that's why this conversation was birthed, you know, 'cause I worry-"

Jiwon couldn't help but shut up when Junhoe took a step forward and squished the former's cheeks together, giving him a stern look. Jiwon blinked, entirely not sure how to feel. "Hyung."

"Mm?"

"I want to be with you. Just you, no-one else in the whole wide _world_ , okay? I asked you out and only you and I'm glad because dating you makes me so happy and I don't want anything to jeopardise that, so why would I be doing things like having 'side chicks' when you're all I need?"

"Koo Junhoe actually just gave me a cute-ass monologue and I'm cry," Jiwon murmured in awe, his eyes actually turning a little glassy and Junhoe's own ones widened in alarm. "Wha—wait, don't cry-"

"I didn't think I would but I'm just so surprised that I can't help it...but you suck at comforting people so I'll stop."

"Hey...that's rude. Though wait, somehow that reminds me-" Junhoe let go of Jiwon's face but stayed close, grinning as he said, "About the reservation."

"Is your mum in town or something?" Jiwon asked as a logical guess but Junhoe shook his head, his smile only getting wider.

"Nope. It's for you."

Jiwon stared at Junhoe like he was mental. "Me?"

"Well, you  _and_ me." Junhoe turned a little shy then as he mumbled, "I know neither of us have talked about celebrating this and I don't expect anything from you at all so don't think I do, but, happy one week, Jiwon-hyung."

Jiwon's jaw dropped as Junhoe just looked extremely smug and proud of himself, but then Jiwon suddenly yelled, "LOOK BEHIND YOU, JINHWAN-HYUNG'S TRYING TO PUSH HANBIN OUT THE WINDOW!"

"WaiT, _WHAT-_ "

And while Junhoe was running out the door to look like the gullible fool he was, Jiwon bolted to fetch the flowers from the table and something else. And once Junhoe was coming back in with a frown, saying in confusion, "I didn't see anything so does that mean that Jinhwan-hyung succeeded or what?", he almost tripped on nothing when he saw Jiwon on one knee and holding up an arrangement of the prettiest bouquet Junhoe had ever got.

(To be fair, no-one had ever given Junhoe a bouquet before this but details.)

"Happy one week to you too, sugarplum."

"For _heaven's_ sake, the nicknames are still happening?" Junhoe asked with a wince and Jiwon enthusiastically nodded, cheering, "Just until I get the perfect one!"

"But none of them will—ugh, I give up. You've already claimed the title of biggest cheese by getting me these," Junhoe sighed, taking the bouquet but he hugged it towards him with a smile. "Thank you."

Jiwon nodded in satisfaction, hopping up and bowing lowly. "No problemo, lemonpuff."

"Ew..."

"Little meringue?"

"Hell no."

"...tree sap?"

"Yeah, I'm leaving, we're done here," Junhoe deadpanned, picking up his bag before walking off and Jiwon threw out an arm dramatically after him, wailing, "BUT HONEYCAKES! BUTTER BISCUIT! SNOOKUMS! LOVEY DOVEY!"

"Before I become long-termly traumatised, can you shut _up-_ "

"But I just can't, my pookie needs to know that he-"

And then Jiwon was running off cackling just like that morning as a banana flew at him from Junhoe's room.

###

Jiwon was as quiet as possible as he walked inside of Junhoe's room a few hours later, but it didn't matter anyway since Junhoe was half-asleep and sprawled out across his bed on his books and laptop. Jiwon could hear the boy almost nonsensically mumbling something about the Cold War, which was definitely...something.

Jiwon went over to him and kneeled down beside the bed, staring at the back of Junhoe's head as he thoroughly contemplated his next move, but he almost jumped out of his skin when Junhoe suddenly started caterwauling, "AND IIIIIII, WILL STUMBLEE AND FAll...I'mshtill lear...ning to love..."

Junhoe fell quiet again and Jiwon snorted, realising that it was one of his impromptu singing outbursts. But then he was expecting Junhoe to move again but ten minutes passed and nothing happened except more muttering about the Cold War and Rasputin and the fact that there was a cat that really was gone.

Tired people are weird.

But at one point, Jiwon took Junhoe's face in his hands and lifted it up so the younger was facing him. Junhoe winced a little before slowly cracking one eye open, looking very confused when he saw Jiwon. "What...where...wha..."

Jiwon smiled toothily at the reaction. He couldn't really help it. "Hey."

"Hey...why are you?"

"Why am I?" Jiwon frowned, thinking deep. "I don't know why I am...I just am. Oh gosh, but what if I'm _not_...am I ever not? Am I always me?"

Junhoe furrowed his eyebrows tiredly, looking like he wanted nothing more than to nod off to sleep in Jiwon's hands. "I think you always am."

"What?"

"What?"

Jiwon opened his mouth to ask another 'what' before shaking his head and sighing, averting his eyes to the wardrobe at the side of the room. It was rather eye-catching in all its plain, oaky beauty. "Junhoe."

"Jun...hoe...," Junhoe replied, narrowing his eyes. "You want to tell this so-called _Junhoe_ something, don't you?"

"I do."

"Tell me first! I can keep a secret."

"Wow, that is a _lie_ but...here goes nothing."

"If nothing goes...then wouldn't that mean that nothing will happe-"

Junhoe immediately shut up when Jiwon leant up a little to kiss the younger's forehead before whispering, "Be my boyfriend, baby. Officially."

A moment passed of agonising wait and processing before Junhoe bit his lip, light pink dusting over the bridge of his nose as he muttered, "Out of all those stupid pet names...I think baby's my favourite. Even if it _is_ kinda basic."

Jiwon grinned, eyes crinkling, face glowing, and Junhoe gave himself a mini pep-talk before kissing Jiwon's forehead back. "There, now we've made a pact. It's official."

"We're official?!"

"Everything's official."

Jiwon looked like he was barely holding back from erupting like a firecracker, about to hug Junhoe before he decided against it, letting go of the younger's face and yelling, "OKAY THAT'S COOL IMMA GO NOW, HAVESWEETDREAMSGOODNIGHT!"

Junhoe blinked, having hardly understood anything that Jiwon had just said. "Wait a sec, could you repea-"

But Jiwon was already running out of the room, punching his fists into the air in victory along with quiet whooping because he had done it, him and Junhoe were now properly a thing even though he had been thinking that they already were for the last week!

Now all he had to do was try not to die whenever he remembered that they were going on a date tomorrow night.

_Shit._

 


	6. junhoe

The first thing that Junhoe thought of the instant he woke up was the date. And that was only one point on the long list of why he was kind of hopeless when it came to Jiwon, and he half-did and half-didn't hope that the latter had realised that. It was even difficult for Junhoe _himself_ to realise that.

That was one of the reasons why it was like he was pushing Jiwon away sometimes.

He pushed open the door to their shared bathroom with groggy, half-open eyes but he couldn't miss Jiwon standing there shirtless and brushing his teeth. "Oh..."

But before Junhoe could escape, Jiwon caught sight of him in the bathroom mirror and waved brightly, making Junhoe feel obligated to raise his hand and make some sort of movement with it. Jiwon looked satisfied at the effort before dipping his head down out of the mirror's view and Junhoe thought that finally he could leave and wait for however long Jiwon would take.

He'd probably wait for years before realising that Jiwon might have _died_ in the bathroom. He wouldn't know what to do after that, though...

"You can come in, you know," Jiwon called out after Junhoe had left and the younger would have liked to answer but his throat closed up a little at how low and raspy Jiwon's morning voice was. It was making Junhoe feel all fuzzy inside and he didn't know what was happening to him. He had felt the fuzz before, but it was getting stronger now. "Junhoe...? I swear to God, if you've died then I better be in your will-"

"Am I dying?" Junhoe asked himself confusedly, clutching his chest which felt very, very fuzzy inside. But he must've been louder than intended since Jiwon was instantly peeking out of the door with wide eyes and a wet face.

"Wait, legit?! Oh my God, duDE, don't _actually die-_ "

"No, no, just..." Junhoe took hold of Jiwon's wrist and made the elder lay his hand on his chest, making Jiwon's eyebrows shoot up. "Does that feel fuzzy to you?"

"...fuzzy? Are you talking about chest hair or something, 'cause you're kind of wearing a shirt-"

"No, I mean—wow, it's getting _fuzzier._ " Junhoe looked down at Jiwon's hand, blinking for a solid few seconds before suddenly making the revelation that the hand may be the reason. "Woah..."

"You alright?" Jiwon asked worriedly, his voice a little more hushed through his concern and the husk that shone through made Junhoe's fuzziness grow _tenfold_ to the point that he had to aggressively push Jiwon's hand away. " _Hey_ , what the heck did I-"

But then Junhoe was dashing away to his bedroom before slamming the door shut, collapsing back onto his bed in all hope to calm the fuzziness, and Jiwon had truly never felt more confused.

###

"What's got you so jittery?" Jinhwan asked, raising an eyebrow at Junhoe who was tapping his hands on the table like a malfunctioning drummer. "I mean, not that you aren't _usually_ but this is taking the cake."

"Just excited."

"For what?"

Junhoe opened his mouth to foolishly answer with the truth before shutting his mouth and shaking his head, his hands stilling for a moment. "...nothing! At all."

"Well, that's totally believable," Jinhwan sighed, rolling his eyes. "Let me guess, a pretty girl?"

Junhoe gave Jinhwan a pointed look but the elder frowned, confused as to what was wrong with his questioning. "Um...pretty boy, then?"

"Hyung, stuff doesn't always have to be about relationshippy things..." _Says me, a guy who's getting all fluttery over a single date with his boyfriend—_

"Alright, alright...and maybe I'm glad that you're not crushing on anyone 'cause then you won't be turning into _that,_ " Jinhwan said with a grimace, jerking a thumb over to where Chanwoo had attacked Yunhyeong with a back hug which only went downhill from there since the elder instantly screamed and batted at Chanwoo's hands like a confused chicken. "Wow...real relationship goals you guys have got there..."

 _Are me and Jiwon-hyung relationship goals?_ Junhoe actually thought unironically before cringing at himself, trying to push the thought out of his mind as he looked at Jinhwan. "Hey, back hugs are cute!"

"I'll accept that when I get one," Jinhwan answered flatly, reaching out for his drink but he wasn't able to have that luxury since Junhoe was suddenly tackling him from behind. "WoAH—JUNHOE, NO, BAD-"

"You asked for this!" Junhoe cackled like the brat he was, hugging Jinhwan tightly as the elder simply lay limp in his arms, sighing, "I swear, I never asked for _any_ of you but you guys somehow wormed your way into my life..."

"But I'm a loveable worm, right?"

"Hell no. You're just as gross as the rest of them, this is a special-treatment-free zone we're cultivating."

Yunhyeong suddenly gasped loudly and Junhoe and Jinhwan both turned to look at him in surprise, confused for a moment before thinking that it was probably Yunhyeong being weird again. But Chanwoo was somewhat nice and asked, "What now?"

"Would this be classified as _cheating_?!" Yunhyeong hissed, looking at Junhoe and Jinhwan, and Chanwoo rolled his eyes. 

"God's sake, hyung, what _are_ you on about?"

"There better be no romantic intent there or soooo help me-"

"You wouldn't think it was anything out of the ordinary if I hadn't told you about Junhoe and Jiwon-hyung."

"Well...exactly. That makes it different, you know?"

"Um, how? You let _me_ hug Jinhwan-hyung or Hanbin-hyung or whoever—what's the difference?"

"Hm, maybe because I have this massive amount of trust in you that doesn't even let me doubt anything you do one bit, even when you're hella rude to me," Yunhyeong replied pretty casually and Chanwoo scrunched up his nose, dipping his head into the crook of Yunhyeong's neck in embarrassment. "God, it's so _obvious_ as well."

"What is?"

"Think about it. Junhoe and Jiwon live together; they're both fairly gay, and they're also handsome and they pretty much know it, or they act like they do at the least. How could something _not_ have happened?"

Chanwoo frowned. "I mean...maybe that was _something_ to do with it. But I don't even think that's a major part of it."

"Then what could it be?"

"I honestly think that they really, really like each other, they've acknowledged it, and now they're trying to figure it all out together. Maybe that's why they haven't told anyone yet, 'cause they're trying to be all organised and normal about it before anyone else gets involved."

"Well, ain't that adorable," Yunhyeong said with a soft snort and Chanwoo nodded in agreement. "Agh, might need to give up our cutest couple title soon, Chan..."

Chanwoo gasped lightly in offence, bringing his head up and shaking it firmly. "No way! You might be annoying but I'm _not_ letting this ship go down so fast."

Yunhyeong frowned while Chanwoo only grinned, kissing the top of the elder's head with a loud 'mwah!' which made them both dissolve into laughter.

"See? Gross," Jinhwan groaned, pretending to retch while Junhoe nodded, smiling a little as he made the mental note, _kiss the top of Jiwon-hyung's head when you work up to it because it's cute as heck, like him._

"Yeah. Totally gross."

###

"I don't have a suit on the floor, that's it, we're not going," Junhoe called out dramatically, flopping back against his bed like a fish and Jiwon snorted from his room (the walls were very thin), rolling his eyes as Junhoe continued his lament. "I can't work with these _conditions-_ "

"You have a wardrobe that you can also get clothes from, idiot."

"Um..."

"Come on, you _have_ to have a suit somewhere," Jiwon said in disbelief and when Junhoe didn't reply, footsteps were rushing to the latter's room and in a blur, something was being opened, clothes were thrown at Junhoe's face, and then there were footsteps rushing back out. All over in seconds.

"Dang, hyung...why are you in such a rush?"

"I'm not, I just haven't got any trousers on. Or a shirt honestly. Wasn't sure if you'd want to see that."

"Ohhh..." was all Junhoe could say, his face heating up a little as he tried his very best not to pin an image to those words. Though it wasn't all that difficult to— "Alright."

"Yeah..."

Silence followed and Junhoe thought it would be best to actually start getting changed. He pulled the clothes Jiwon had chosen off of him and grinned when he looked at them. "Wow... _this_ old thing..."

"It doesn't count as old if you've never worn it before!" Jiwon fought back instantly and Junhoe furrowed his eyebrows, asking, "Why is your hearing so good? And I _have_ worn it before."

"When? It looks good as new."

"At my mum's 50th."

"Ah, right."

"Yeah."

"That must've been fun."

"Not really."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Junhoe wanted to bite his fist because of the strained atmosphere, trying to tell himself _'we're not awkward, we're not awkward, we are nOT AWKWARD'_ but who was he kidding? Even as he was pulling his shirt off and replacing it with a pristine white one that was so suffocatingly nice, he wondered if this would be a breaking point when it came to their relationship.

Were they both kidding themselves that this was okay?

Well, not really.

They both knew they were weird around each other and that was no secret, but Junhoe couldn't lie and say that he didn't wish he could just walk up to Jiwon and...hold his hand without messing up. Or something like that. Junhoe wanted Jiwon to know that he was really, truly _trying._

Because he was.

He hoped he was.

"Oh my God, it's a tie," Junhoe sighed under his breath as he immediately admitted defeat to the demon string of cloth in his hand. He didn't even have his mum or Jinhwan to help him, he was utterly hopeless except... "Uh...hey, Jiwon-hyung?" His tone had even gone sing-songy without him realising.

Jiwon lagged for a second before answering but Junhoe was used to that. "'Sup."

"D'you know how to tie ties...?"

"Dude, just ask the real question," Jiwon huffed and Junhoe felt a little embarrassed as he mumbled, "Can you come and do my tie for me...please?"

A moment passed before Jiwon burst into laughter, making Junhoe turn a little red even though he knew that his boyfriend literally laughed _so_ easily, and Jiwon was at Junhoe's door in seconds with a huge grin on his face. "I wanna be all smug and tell you to figure it out but it's just too adorable."

Junhoe couldn't answer straight away when his eyes fell on Jiwon because he suddenly couldn't breathe all that well. The guy hadn't put his suit jacket on yet and he looked like some kind of laidback prince with his white shirt that had the top three buttons undone and sleeves that went past his hands when they weren't cuffed, his dark trousers with pockets that Jiwon was casually keeping his hands in, and even his hair was messily styled like it required both no effort yet was still model photoshoot worthy.

Junhoe was going to be looking at this for an _entire evening._

He might as well already be declared dead.

"Jinhwan-hyung keeps trying to teach me but even when I listen, I can't work it out," Junhoe said with a frown once he was able to speak and Jiwon let out an 'awww' of pity, moving forward to take the tie before freezing completely. Junhoe furrowed his eyebrows, saying, "Uh, hyung? You gonna...do anything?"

"Oh, right!" Jiwon snapped out of it and took a few tentative steps forward, but he still wasn't close enough. Junhoe raised his eyebrows and decided to help out a little, moving so their feet were almost touching. Jiwon sent him a grateful sort-of-smile before reaching his hands up to Junhoe's collar but the younger stopped him.

They were never going to get to that date at this point.

"Your hands are shaking even worse than usual."

"Ah, that always happens-"

"No but it's like _worse-_ " Junhoe cut himself off when he realised that there wasn't really any point of saying this, and then he pointed to the door like an awkward salesman. "I can just go get Jinhwan-hyung-"

"Nooo, no, I can do it!" Jiwon yelped, his voice holding a mixture of offence and determination as he suddenly pulled on Junhoe's collar which made the younger almost choke as his head jerked forward. "Oops...maybe too far."

"M- _Maybe_?"

Jiwon only grinned, which was actually kind of a scary reply, before slipping the tie around Junhoe's neck and working on it. Junhoe bit his lip, a blush and a smile rising up on his face for so many different reasons. "Sorry about this."

"Oh don't be, I just _love_ dating a tsundere man-child."

Junhoe pouted as Jiwon snickered proudly, and then their signature silence was back in no time. Junhoe instantly took the opportunity to stare at Jiwon a little bit (since this might actually be the last time that he'll feel confident enough to do that), and he became so mystified that he almost jumped five feet when Jiwon patted Junhoe's chest lightly while cheering, "Done! You look...great, by the way. Is that a nice enough adjective? I can find nicer ones but like, would that be weird or suitable, or even both—woah, is that even _possible_? I don't know, do you know?"

"...I...don't?" Junhoe thought that that seemed like a reasonable answer even though he was unsure of what was quite going on, and it was all good because Jiwon nodded in agreement.

"We're both clueless. I can't even remember what I was talking about."

"Oh, I _do_ think that great is a nice adjective though. Because, you..." Junhoe made wild hand gestures at Jiwon before finally managing the word, "great!"

Jiwon smiled so big that he had to cover his mouth, looking away as he said with difficulty, "I-I gotta finish changing, I'm still all scruffy-"

"But, um...you look hot like this," Junhoe said in a low voice, his flirty side that was usually repressed under infinite layers of awkwardness suddenly coming out and Jiwon froze. "You really do."

"E-Eesh, shut up, I'm not going out like this, that'd be weird," Jiwon grumbled, trying to hide his astonishment by fake annoyance, but Junhoe wasn't done.

"I mean, if you think about it, the only person that you'd really be trying to impress is _me_...since it's a date and all."

"What are you saying...?"

"I'm already pretty impressed."

"Babe, we're going to a _five-star restaurant-_ "

"Who cares?"

"Um, everyone at the five-star restaurant?"

"But they don't come above the boyfriend a.k.a. meeeeee," Junhoe sang, feeling victorious the instant Jiwon broke down into an amused grin and pushed Junhoe's head away.

"Stop teasing me, you're so strange."

Junhoe simply shrugged, leaning back and crossing his arms. "So are you. I bet you'd be down if you were dating someone who wasn't me."

Junhoe's eyes widened once he realised what he had said, trying his best to avoid Jiwon's piercing, confused stare before he was hearing footsteps getting further away.

"Stupid, _stupid,_ " Junhoe growled at himself, punching his arm before yelping in pain. "Jesus...why do I have such an idiotic mouth?"

But he shouldn't have worried so much.

Because once he had left his room, Jiwon was standing there, scrolling through his phone, just the same as before except he had used his tie like some sort of choker and put in his eyebrow piercing. And that right there was Junhoe's perfect, unorthodox prince.

"What—uh, hyung, wha, I... _what_..."

"I'd do anything for you, so stop thinking that I won't, alright? Even though this isn't even that deep...why the heck did I even _say_ something so deep, it's just _clothes-_ "

"You're the best," Junhoe muttered, shaking his head in disbelief and Jiwon pretended not to hear him, instead wrapping one of his hands around Junhoe's thumb and dragging him towards the door. "Hey, wait-"

"Let's just _go_ already-"

"Hyung, you don't even know where the restaurant is."

"That's...not...shut up," Jiwon huffed as he pushed the door open and then they were out the apartment and down the corridor. Junhoe held back a grin before ever so slowly, he transformed Jiwon's cute grasp into a proper hand-hold which made the elder's breath hitch. But they both tried to pretend like nothing was happening, not even looking at each other because it totally wasn't a big deal.

"Junhoe."

"Yeah?" Junhoe squeaked before mentally kicking himself for becoming a chipmunk.

"...happy one week. Again."

And then Jiwon was suddenly doing his signature thing, the thing that he hadn't done in quite a while; he leant up and pressed a swift kiss to Junhoe's cheek before he was running off at the speed of light, screeching while Junhoe felt like a dying computer as he almost just sank to the ground. "Freaking _hell_ , hyung, why-"

"THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE LIVING ON THE _HIGH ROAD_ , PEOPLE, GET ON MY _LEVEL_!" Junhoe heard Jiwon yell as the elder bolted out of the apartment complex and towards the car park.

And Junhoe was suddenly strangely excited for how this night was going to turn out.

 


	7. jiwon

"Do you remember our first date?" Jiwon asked as they sat in Junhoe's car, driving to a place that the elder had barely an idea about. It was the first thing that had been said between them and they had already been driving for twenty minutes.

Junhoe raised an eyebrow at the question, saying, "That was literally a week ago."

"Yeah but still—it's nice to think about."

"I still find it odd how you whisked _me_ away on a date straight after I asked _you_ out, 'cause then my pride got a little bit flattened. I was supposed to be the forerunner..."

Jiwon laughed since Junhoe honestly sounded a little ridiculous, but he got where the guy was coming from. They were both what Hanbin would call 'alphas' and they both had a thing with pride, and even if the fondness they had for each other kind of lessened that a little, it couldn't change who they were: two boys who felt the need to be strong all the time.

But maybe they didn't actually _need_ to be, and Jiwon knew that. He just wished Junhoe would let his guard down sometimes.

"You can always 'make it up to me' today," Jiwon piped up after five minutes of thinking and Junhoe jolted a little from surprise, having to remember to keep his eyes on the road.

"We're still having this conversation? I thought it ended."

"You think our conversations have ended even while we're still _speaking_ sometimes."

"Well...okay it's ended now, goodbye."

Jiwon broke into a grin but kept his mouth shut, looking out the window instead of taunting Junhoe any more. He loved teasing him but he didn't do it as much as he did to other people (obviously he still did it since it was just in his nature) because Junhoe was usually literal _perfection_ in Jiwon's eyes. Not to mention that he'd also get scared that him and Junhoe would get even more distant if he went too far...

_The city's beautiful tonight._

_Not as beautiful as Junhoe._

_Darn, why can't I actually say this kind of thing to his face? I'd be a romantic legend and he'd fall head over heels for me and we'd go on dates every day and send each other those gross mushy texts and cuddle and make each other burnt breakfast because we suck at everything and we'll_   _live happily ever ever ever after—_

"I know what you're thinking," Junhoe said out of nowhere and Jiwon froze, absolutely terrified. He couldn't be outed as a softie, that would be _horrible._

"You...do?"

"You're wondering when I learned to drive 'cause my moves are legendary."

Jiwon instantly slumped in relief but he couldn't help but point out, "You almost ran two red lights-"

"That's not _my_ fault, I was distracted."

"By what?"

Junhoe gave Jiwon a small side look before instantly shaking his head like his life depended on it. "Um, by nothing, I don't know what you're talking about, gosh, hyung, why are you _grilling_ me like this-"

"Were you distracted by _me_ , by any chance?" Jiwon asked as innocently as he could even though he was grinning like the devil, and Junhoe blinked a few times before saying like a robot, "I don't appreciate where this conversation has gone."

"I think I'm right."

"All I wanted to do was show off my fab driving and now I've been targeted-"

"Wait, but how did I distract you? I wasn't doing anything then, we were just sitting in silence 'cause you were driving which I wholly respect and encourage and I mean, you still are and all _aaaand_ I've forgotten my point," Jiwon babbled, scratching his head in confusion when he stopped talking. Junhoe was just bewildered, having no idea how to reply so he just didn't, and Jiwon looked down at his hands in slight embarrassment.

He couldn't even tell if he was always like this or if it was _just_ when he was around Junhoe. Maybe in a night designated to just the two of them, he could find out.

###

"Hey, fellas. Table for four, I presume?" The waiter at the front said as he walked up to them, a big smile on his face but Jiwon's slipped a little while Junhoe furrowed his eyebrows, suddenly looking like he wanted to square up.

"Four...?"

"Double dates have been really in these days, I have no idea why but it's a nice thing-"

"Uh, sorry, sir, but we already have a reservation?" Jiwon said a little uncertainly, looking at Junhoe for confirmation and the latter nodded without looking at him. "Under Koo Junhoe...I think. Dude, you didn't use a fake name right, oh my God, _answer_ me-"

"Shh, no I didn't! And thank you," Junhoe reluctantly smiled at the waiter who bowed his head and immediately went off to go check the reservations list. And that was when Jiwon and Junhoe were alone again, and neither of them spoke for a while. Jiwon was too awed by the fancy place and Junhoe was too awed by something else.

"You get really weird sometimes. I mean, so do I so I can't really say anything."

Jiwon looked around him before pausing. "Are you talking to me?"

Junhoe couldn't even laugh because he understood the guy too well. "Yeah, hyung, who else is with us? And if you say 'all these people eating' then you're just cancelled-"

"Nooo, I don't want to be cancelled, don't cancel me, I was just...I don't mean to get weird."

"Neither do I—agh, I probably shouldn't have said anything in the first place, ignore me," Junhoe sighed, drooping a little and Jiwon couldn't bear it for one moment. He opened his mouth to speak before closing it again, thinking a little before opening, closing, and then it was just too late like it always was as the waiter popped up.

 _God_ , Jiwon actually wanted to cry from frustration at his lack of communication skills sometimes.

"So it was a reservation for two, I do apologise," the waiter said a little embarrassedly, bowing even though he did give the two a discreetly odd look and Jiwon laid a hand on Junhoe's arm for a moment to stop the younger (who was getting all riled up _far_ too early in the night) from saying something like _'you should be, little **potato man** '—_ "Please, let me lead you to your table."

"Ah, thank you, that'd be cool," Jiwon replied, grinning as the waiter turned to lead the way, and they couldn't help but follow even though Junhoe murmured, "Hyung, why won't you let me fight him-"

"Stop, you can do it any other time and I'll cheer like hell for you, deal?"

Junhoe nodded in satisfaction, going for a fist-bump without looking while Jiwon went for a high-five and that...was a disappointing experience, to say the least. But then Junhoe didn't let go of his hand which almost made Jiwon freeze up...except he didn't, instead deciding to just go for it and ever so slowly, he stretched out his fist into a palm and... _boom_ , they had done it.

 _We're so good at this,_ Jiwon thought smugly even though his heart was hammering against the inside of his chest like a woodpecker. Was that the new Cupid now? _We'll be cuddling in no ti- okay, too far, I went too far._

"Your table, sirs."

The exchange of farewells and gratitude was over in seconds, and Jiwon was about to sit down before he realised something; neither of them were letting go of the other, and that was a very unfamiliar dilemma. Not to mention that Jiwon's hand was starting to sweat even though he couldn't really tell over the constant voice in his head screaming at him to _get a damn grip_ but he already _had_ a grip, technically, on Junhoe's hand and why was this so— _oh, oh wait, he's let go. How the **heck** did he do that when I couldn't? Legend._

"We should sit down, huh," Junhoe muttered, looking all red and shy and Jiwon was conflicted between two emotions; the 'you're not allowed to be shy, you're the one who instIGATED THIS' and the 'oh my gosh he's all flustered Ilovehimsomuchwhyishesocute' and Jiwon really hated himself for acting like a cringy, smitten schoolboy. But he still had some composure to simply nod and take a seat before gesturing to the one opposite.

Maybe he didn't actually _look_ as smooth as he felt but only Junhoe knew that.

"You gonna join me?"

"Oh right, yep, yeah," Junhoe said quickly, swooping into the other seat and before he had even settled, their legs bumped into each other's under the table and Jiwon pulled his back like a rocket. But then he saw a flash of hurt cross Junhoe's face and he was suddenly questioning his existence as he blurted out, "We're too tall for this place, we'll be doing footsies all night which is far too provocative. Almost third base."

Junhoe's eyes widened in surprise before he burst out laughing and Jiwon felt shy pride, grinning as he badly hid his face behind the vase of flowers on the table. This might already be a failed date if it was with any other person...but as Jiwon looked at Junhoe's stupidly beautiful face again, this would probably be an all-kill win for them. And it wasn't that Jiwon had low standards when it came to Junhoe.

He was just more special than anyone else had ever been.

And Jiwon wouldn't be ready to let that go the moment Junhoe realised that Jiwon, in all his pathetic, too-infatuated, ugly glory, wasn't enough.

 

 


	8. junhoe

It was safe to say that Junhoe thought he was killing it so far. He hadn't made a fool out of himself yet (like,  _more_ than usual) and that was a win in his book.

It had also only been five minutes.

Junhoe _really_ had low expectations of himself.

"So should we..."

"Talk?"

 _I was gonna say get a bigger table..._ "Talking is—yeah! Top notch. Good idea. That I was totally going to say. Isn't this a great start to a conversation?"

Jiwon raised an eyebrow as he smiled at the table, reaching out for the water jug but he never took a glass or anything, he just kept his fingers on the handle. "You sure you didn't drink before we came?"

"You were with me for most of the day, you would know if I did!"

"Correction—we were in the same house for most of the day, but same _room_ would be about ten minutes and that's if you add all the instances together."

"That's not my fault..."

But Junhoe knew it pretty much was. _He_ was the idiot who acted like a stranger whenever Jiwon walked into the same room as him, sometimes he'd even leave too without realising that he was being the rudest thing the universe had to offer. He just didn't think sometimes, he wasn't the type to immediately worry about how his actions affected other people but now...now that was _all_ he could think about. _Is Jiwon-hyung hurt? Will he hold this against me forever? Am I a royal pain who's about to be single soon?_

_Why does all of that sound so plausible?!_

"What would it take for you to break up with me?" Junhoe blurted out and Jiwon made a small splutter of surprise, frozen in a wide-eyed look that he gave the table.

(Jiwon had been looking at the table ever since they got there and Junhoe was a bit miffed because what did the table have that _he_ didn't?)

"Um...uh...wow, this is gonna be a great talk," Jiwon finally managed to mumble, pulling his hand slowly back from the jug. Junhoe only looked at him in silent earnest, not realising how badly he wanted an answer to this kind of question before.

"Would it take a little?"

"Wha—nooo, no, no, not at _all_ ," Jiwon said quickly, his defensive tone bringing back the fuzzy feeling in Junhoe that he still didn't understand. "I just...I...Junhoe, do you doubt me that much?"

"It's not that, I'm just scared of losi—uhhh, losing the apartment!" Junhoe quickly diverted what he originally meant to say, not really noticing the look Jiwon was giving him. "'Cause if you broke up with me then you'll probably kick me out and being homeless would _suck_ so that's all I'm saying." Junhoe sniffed then. "And I really, really like the apartment because it's really nice to me and it smells nice too, like lavender, and it makes me happy. And I don't know if there'll ever be another apartment that will _like_ me as much as this one does...it's a really good a-apartment, hyung."

"Okay, yeah, you've completely lost me," Jiwon said in utter bewilderment. "And I wouldn't kick you out...I could never pay the whole rent by myself."

"So does that mean we'll never break up? Oh wow, cool, good talk, good talk, this was fun," Junhoe said far too quickly, trying to clear his throat since he was getting ahead of himself but then Jiwon stuck his arm out across the table, his voice strangely quiet as he said, "Take my hand."

Junhoe stared at Jiwon with wide eyes. "But...we just did that before and, and I thought we had an undiscussed 'three-day-interval between each holding hands moment' thing going on-"

"Why are you like this," Jiwon sighed exasperatedly, reaching out more to just take Junhoe's hand himself, pressing their palms together gently without properly intertwining their fingers and Junhoe stared at it in wonder, not quite realising that Jiwon was trying very hard to meet Junhoe's eyes. "So, maybe this is a long shot but when you were talking about the apartment, did it represent me? By...any chance?"

"What? Noooo," Junhoe said after a moment of silence, his tone flat from his terrible acting yet nervous as he shook his head quickly, his grip on Jiwon's hand tightening. "I have noooo idea what you're talking about, how _could_ you even-"

"Junhoe."

"Ugh, fine," Junhoe grumbled, slumping a little and Jiwon beamed at how quickly Junhoe gave in. "...what gave it away?"

"Lavender. My lotion's lavender-scented."

"That is the _least_ manly thing I've ever heard you say."

"Oi, men can wear nice lotion if they want to, don't judge!" Jiwon yelped in offence, digging his nails into Junhoe's hand a little and the younger squawked in pain and laughter as he slammed his other hand on the table.

"Stop, ow, _hyung-_ "

"Now you'll be able to think twice when I tell you about my secret perfume collection," Jiwon said matter-of-factly like he hadn't said a word out of the ordinary and Junhoe's mouth dropped open, his eyes wide.

" _No_."

"Oh but yes."

"Shut up, you don't-"

"You wear perfume so I don't know why you're so shocked."

"But I don't _hoard_ them! You know what, I think you're lying - what's your favourite one in your collection, answer in 3, 2-"

"French vanilla. Your one."

Junhoe almost choked yet again, his ears rapidly burning red as Jiwon looked at him with a soft, amused smile but he managed to hold all his feelings down down, instead muttering louder than he intended, "Well-played, Kim Jiwon...well-played."

Jiwon snickered at the words, looking very proud of himself and all Junhoe could do was grin, absent-mindedly bringing their hands to his lips and he was just about to kiss Jiwon's before he made a pleased noise. "Ooh, lavender!"

And then Junhoe was whining childishly in pain again when Jiwon kicked his leg under the table, and the newly-come waiter wondered if he had arrived at a wrong time.

###

Junhoe and Jiwon weren't really the type of people to talk while they ate. To be honest, they weren't really the type to talk in general...

To each other, that is.

But even though he really loved to eat, Junhoe was having a bit of a hard time since Jiwon kept looking at him. Not even through the corner of his eyes, just head-on while he ate and it was driving Junhoe _crazy_. Even more crazy than when Jiwon would only look at the table which just made him regret wanting Jiwon to look at him more. Even if his own beauty wasn't being wasted anymore, which was actually a very good thing in his vain eyes.

He even tried to discreetly look at his own face in the mirror image of his spoon to see if there was anything wrong with it but he gave up, his spoon clattering against the table. "Hyung, is there something on my face? What are you looking at?"

Jiwon froze, but then he kind of looked like he had been possessed as he said, "What am I looking at?"

"Yeah..."

"Just something gorgeous."

And it was time for Junhoe to finally actually choke (on a piece of brownie), feeling terrified as he suddenly couldn't breathe and he tried to hack it up. Jiwon stared at him in alarm, horrified that he actually might be the cause of his boyfriend's _death_ but Junhoe got a hold of himself soon enough even though his face was extremely flushed from the scene. But then it was like the life was sucked out of him as he slowly sank his head down to lay on the table, feeling dead.

_Why did he say that? Why did I have to be so nosy and ask in the first place, I just escaped death! And now everyone's probably staring at me like I'm crazy, and I can't calm my face down, and I've failed as a boyfriend, and hyung's poking me in the leg with his foot, and why the heck is he doing that, and I think my food's finished now which is actually really upsetting-_

"Junhoe... _Junhoe_ ," Jiwon hissed, trying to get the younger's attention but Junhoe was in no state of mind to reply. He really did feel kind of tipsy and he hadn't even had a drop of alcohol that night, he was just drunk off of his own stupidity and embarrassment and wow, God may have given him good looks but what else did he have? _Why no relationship skills, God? I thought we were bros?_

"Are you being blasphemous again?" Jiwon asked (since this wasn't the first time) as he caught some of Junhoe's mumbling and the younger slowly shook his head.

"No..."

"You crack me up, I swear...I don't know why you're like how you are but, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been so forward, I guess-"

"Why are _you_ sorry?!" Junhoe whisper-yelled, his head surging up at the self-accusation. "You complimented me! Actually no you're right, you _should_ be sorry, you literally willingly boosted my ego even more - why would you do that?! That's not a good idea!"

"I've been very confused about everything that's been coming out of your mouth tonight," Jiwon said slowly. "And this kind of isn't an exception."

Junhoe didn't know how to answer because he knew that he was being stupid and confusing, and it was all his own fault. He was doing that thing again where he pushed Jiwon away...and it hurt him to think that that was affecting Jiwon, making him think that Junhoe didn't like him and was only stringing him along. Maybe... "Hyung, you don't _actually_ think that I'm only keeping this relationship because of the apartment, right? Because I'd-" Junhoe bit his lip before mustering all of his courage to say the sappiest thing he'd ever say. "I'd go homeless any day if it still meant I had you."

And that was when Junhoe knew that he had struck gold. Once he saw the way Jiwon's eyes shined and his face lit up, Junhoe all of a sudden wasn't a failed boyfriend anymore but it wasn't like he had any other labels like 'successful boyfriend' or 'best boyfriend ever'; he was just a boyfriend who loved his own one so much.

_Loved? **Love**? No. No way._

Junhoe didn't want to give Jiwon a chance to respond, too scared that the other might say something even sappier and kill Junhoe in one blow. But his reflexes to implying that they should leave was too slow as Jiwon said dreamily, "This is the best date ever. I got Koo Junhoe to sweet-talk me, I _can't_."

And Junhoe couldn't even get annoyed at that, and he was very good at getting annoyed at things. The best he could do was send Jiwon a wink and giggle when the elder pretended to die in his seat, muttering emotionally, "It's settled, I must've done God's work-"

"Oh, that reminds me!" Junhoe looked up to the ceiling and pointed a hand upwards. "Dude, we're bros again. You always know how to make me forgive you, you _charmer_ , you."

"Junhoe!" Jiwon yelped in amazement, throwing one of the many unused spoons at the younger who exploded into a bout of giggles all over again, holding his arms up to make cover from anything else. He felt so _warm_ inside and he welcomed the fuzzy feeling with open arms, arms that had room to engulf Jiwon in them too but he was good with doing that metaphorically. He loved this so much, what they had, which made him want to tear his hair out or sing to the heavens or _both._

And tonight was definitely a 'both' kind of night. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

###

Junhoe had already paid in advance (which got a buzz of annoyed grumbling from Jiwon about unfairness) so they were out in moments, walking across the parking lot with, yet again, messily intertwined hands.

Junhoe distinctly remembered saying, "Maybe holding hands can be our thing," but then Jiwon was all like, "Babe, holding hands is _every_ couple's thing," which instantly killed Junhoe's vibe. Jiwon was mean.

And then they were back in the car.

Just staring straight ahead.

Not going anywhere.

Junhoe leant his head back against the car seat, trying to relax and he should've remembered that whenever he relaxed, a poem would always start to form in his mind.

 _You're always something else._  
_The way you make me lose control of my hands, my feet, my mouth, my heart,_  
_You'll always be something else,_  
_As fire burns bright in my veins that were cold at the start._

 _It's dark but light still flickers in my mind like a cloud,_  
_Of memories I can't fight, memories of tonight,_  
_And my hand decides that yours needs to be found,_  
_By mine so I can adore you quietly under the moonlight._

 _Maybe I'm stupid for reading this so,_  
_I could be wrong, completely off as you think nothing that I am,_  
_But I hear your voice say—_  

"Can I do something before we go?"

Junhoe's eyes flew open as he looked at Jiwon, who was looking down at his fidgeting hands shyly, in complete shock. How did—how the _hell_ did he do that?! It even rhymed—was this a sign?

A sign showing they were perfect for each other?

Because that didn't happen a lot. It was usually the opposite.

"Hyung, that...I mean, yeah. Sure."

"Can—may I kiss you?"

And Junhoe's heart stuttered as his hand held onto the steering wheel for the sole purpose of having something to grip onto. He could feel his breathing constricting a little but he exhaled and it seemed just fine, so why did he feel like he was dying? Why?!

"Wait, Junhoe, I'm sorry, we can just forget I said anythi-"

"My mother's said to me once before that _'a man who uses 'may' will always be the one to steal your heart'._ I'd never thought about it until now," Junhoe said slowly as the memory flew through his mind. And all of a sudden he felt calmer the more he felt Jiwon tense next to him, happier the more his heart bloomed. All he could do was smile as he continued, "Yes, hyung. You may."

Junhoe's mother was right. Jiwon had definitely already stolen his heart, even though Junhoe might never be ready to admit it.

But he still knew.

 


	9. jiwon

_"Can—may I kiss you?"_

Jiwon had no idea what he was thinking when he had said that. They both had trouble holding hands, even just _looking_ at each other for God's sake, why did he end up asking that?!

He felt terrible, especially when he saw the frozen look on Junhoe's face and he quickly said, "Wait, Junhoe, I'm sorry, we can just forget I said anythi-"

"My mother's said to me once before that _'a man who uses 'may' will always be the one to steal your heart'._ I'd never thought about it until now," Junhoe said slowly and Jiwon tensed, his heart in his mouth as he ran those words over in his head a million times. What did they mean? Was one word suddenly going to decide Jiwon's entire fate? Was he overreacting?!

But then Junhoe smiled. It was such a beautiful smile, and Jiwon's breath was taken away.

"Yes, hyung. You may." Then Junhoe blinked and quickly added a small, "If- if you still want to."

Jiwon froze, only his eyes moving as they widened to the size of golf balls. He didn't know what to do now, his heart thumping so hard that it almost burst as he stammered, "I-I do."

"Okay."

"We should..."

"Yeah."

Jiwon tugged on Junhoe's arm to get the guy to turn around which he did, eventually. And Jiwon bit his lip as he looked down, wondering where to go next but then a hesitant arm wrapped around his waist and pulled him forward, just enough for them to be in each other's space, but still too far for a kiss.

"Hm, have you done this before?" Jiwon teased in a light tone to try and alleviate anything uncomfortable, but Junhoe only shrugged which Jiwon instantly knew was his boyfriend's way of trying to pretend this wasn't as big as it was. _Cute._

"Maybe this would've been better in the backseat but I didn't...think this would be happening, so preparation died, RIP," Junhoe murmured, his grip on Jiwon's waist tightening and loosening about a billion times. Jiwon wasn't used to this because he was always the straight-up dominator in past relationships, and even if those had all barely lasted longer than what him and Junhoe had already gone through...Junhoe could make him weak in seconds. Weak, but not submissive.

Was he making any sense at this point?

Jiwon just stared at Junhoe for a while, frozen with unknown feelings tingling all throughout his body but he was a little comforted by the fact that Junhoe looked just as scared. The younger's bottom lip was caught between his teeth and his hand started tapping Jiwon's waist as if it was jittery and unable to keep still. Well, Jiwon was just glad that Junhoe couldn't see just how bad his own hands were trembling then.

He wasn't sure if looking at Junhoe was calming him down or not, in the end. For one thing, Junhoe looked absolutely beautiful with the moonlight pouring through the windows behind him and bedazzling him, the calming ethereality of it all seeping into Jiwon's heart which could be fit to burst. But on the other hand, Junhoe looked _too_ gorgeous and Jiwon could only doubt himself, wondering what on earth he had done to bag an angel.

Junhoe was hilarious, pretty, confident, honest, ambitious, strong, _incredible._

_And what do I have?_

"Is it okay, that I'm freaking out? Is that bad? Am I supposed to be freaking out? Do you hate me for freaking out?!" Junhoe suddenly blurted out all in one go, looking terrified and Jiwon wanted to do nothing but coddle him in a hundred blankets.

"No, baby, it's okay, I'm freaking out too."

"Hyung, that doesn't answer my _question_ ," Junhoe whined in frustration, kicking his feet a little before he blinked, his expression becoming slack. "Oh...really?"

Jiwon swallowed before nodding, reaching out hesitantly to try and put his hand on Junhoe's face but he was shocked to the core when Junhoe himself took hold of it, guiding the hand to rest on his cheek and the contact made both their hairs stand on end.

"You're so warm," Jiwon whispered and Junhoe nodded, his eyes quivering as they looked back into Jiwon's as if they wanted to look at too many things at once.

"You're cold."

"Do you want to help warm me up a little?" Jiwon asked, looking at Junhoe earnestly and they both knew that the question meant more than it seemed.

Jiwon was on cloud nine when Junhoe slowly nodded. "If you'd let me."

That was the trigger that made them both surge forward, Jiwon's hand trailing to the back of Junhoe's neck and his heart was beating so loud that it could have jumped out of his chest but he wasn't focusing on that, only looking at Junhoe's lips that were so _red—_

But all that filled the car in the next few seconds were yells of pain as they pulled apart like firecrackers, cursing life because _ouch._

They had just head-butted each other.

Of course they did.

"That's it, the universe just doesn't want this to happen," Junhoe sniffed, trying to cover his slight anger at himself for messing up by weak humour—but all Jiwon could do was burst into laughter that had him almost falling backwards and off the seat. The confused and slightly hurt look that Junhoe gave him only added fuel to the fire.

"O-Oh my God, don't—don't _look_ at me like that-"

"Why are you laughing?" Junhoe asked with a frown, still rubbing his head and feeling betrayed. Jiwon felt bad but he just couldn't stop himself, tears springing to his eyes as he fanned himself to try and calm down.

"A-Ah, I'm sorry, I swear...a-are you hurt?"

"What do you _think_?!" Junhoe yelped defensively which only made Jiwon go off again, slapping Junhoe's leg (lightly!) repeatedly in his fit before he lost balance (he had already been teetering on the edge of his seat in order to get closer) and fell against Junhoe's chest, and that just made his roaring laughter dissolve into giggles. What the heck was _happening_ to him, was this really even that funny?

"Agh, hyung," Junhoe sighed, resting his chin on top of Jiwon's head which was now all of a sudden on his chest. He couldn't help but admit that he liked this, being all wrapped up in his boyfriend both physically and metaphorically, even if his breathing was getting dangerously uneven and he had no idea what to do with his arms, thus why they were moving in the air like a robot above Jiwon.

"You were right, the universe really _is_ against us, isn't it?" Jiwon said, amusement still clouding his voice but his closeness to Junhoe was sobering him up quickly. He could hear Junhoe's heart going crazy right next to him and he had to bite down another laugh because that might be too mean. Besides, this was just plain cute. "It hates us. I don't think it wants us to be together at all."

Jiwon felt Junhoe tense immediately, and he had expected that. He could imagine a billion thoughts running through Junhoe's head, he could imagine Junhoe thinking that this was just an elaborate way for Jiwon to break up with him and leave him hanging forever—he _knew_ that Junhoe always overthought when it came to them.

He had known that ever since Junhoe had asked when they'd make their relationship public. Because despite the difficulties of life, Junhoe tried his best to never ask questions about serious things because he valued pride over anything, and he wanted to seem like he knew where he was going with life and everything in it.

Jiwon understood him. After all, he was the exact same way.

But did this mean maybe that Junhoe valued this, their relationship, over his pride?

_Why?_

"But I want us to be together so the universe can shut up," Jiwon said finally, his tone heavy as he let himself relax against Junhoe, wondering how he'd react. He didn't expect arms to suddenly wrap around him and a soft kiss to be dropped onto the top of his head like...like he was the only thing that mattered. And Jiwon knew that wasn't _true_ but he could kid himself for a second as he fell into dreamland.

"I wanted to warm _you_ up, hyung, so stop being so sweet, okay?" Junhoe whispered in Jiwon's ear, which tickled. Jiwon could get high off of this sugar overdose right now. "Just so I don't pass out from feels because I swear, that would be possible right now."

Jiwon frowned a little, a bit blinded by Junhoe's lips being a hair's breadth away from his skin but he could still see what Junhoe was doing. He was trying to push Jiwon away before it got too far, like always.

"It's a date night, we can do whatever we want. You realise that no-one's here to judge us, right?"

"But you can judge me."

"Out of all the people we know, I'm the _least_ likely to do that-"

"But I care more about your opinion than other people's, so why do you think I'm like this?!" Junhoe yelled brashly, bringing his arms back and Jiwon finally pulled away, sitting up and trying to catch Junhoe's eyes but the younger wouldn't dare look at him, staring at the ground with an angry blush creeping up his face.

Jiwon was just absolutely floored. Had Junhoe really just admitted that? Was that even true, or something simply said in a fit of rash thinking?

"Why, Junhoe?"

And Jiwon didn't know if he was pushing too much now.

"I can't tell you why. Not yet," was all Junhoe said and Jiwon was surprised...at how okay he felt with that answer. He didn't feel any need to push Junhoe any further.

"That's okay."

"Is it?"

"It is," Jiwon replied, silent for a moment before he reached over to brush his fingers against Junhoe's. "Thank you for tonight. It was amazing."

"You don't have to thank me, I wanted to-" Junhoe decided to reassess his words after Jiwon's pointed look. "Um, you're welcome. I'm happy you liked it..."

"It was great. Though, if you care about my opinion so much then maybe I won't tell you that the broccoli was rather gross," Jiwon teased and he felt light when Junhoe turned his head to grin at him. It reassured him that he hadn't taken things too far.

"I thought the broccoli was rather nice-"

"You're tasteless."

"Hey!"

"I'm sorry the kiss crashed and burned," Jiwon sighed, slumping in his seat but Junhoe quickly shook his head, blurting out, "No! Don't be, I mean, my head's still throbbing but maybe it's a good thing."

"A good thing?"

"Well, yeah. Kissing's a big step, and I think we need to master a lot of _other_ stuff before we get there, which we will, eventually. But we've got all the time in the world, and it doesn't even matter if we don't get to it so let's just be us. That's good enough."

"Wow. My boyfriend's beautiful _and_ an intellectual," Jiwon said in joking awe, marvelling when Junhoe flushed red and covered his face with both arms, trying to pretend he was okay.

But then Jiwon heard a muffled, "I know," and he snickered. Junhoe was still the same old Junhoe, but maybe Jiwon made him a little bit shyer. And the fact that he had that power was actually mind-blowing.

"We should go home," Jiwon pointed out when he saw Junhoe yawn very loudly. "It's quite late."

Junhoe frowned and leant back in his seat, looking very adamant on not moving as he flicked his eyes over to Jiwon. "I don't wanna."

"You don't wanna?"

"I don't wanna."

"Why don't you wanna?"

"I want to...keep...talking. 'Cause I'm so afraid that we'll never be this comfortable again." Junhoe's eyes widened then as he quickly tried to take his words back, and all Jiwon could do was roll his eyes. "I-I mean, I'm not _afraid_ , or anything like that, I'm just saying that it's nice because it's just a nice thing to talk, you know? Talking is good! Talking is great! Talking heals the soul!"

"Talking can also make someone look like an idiot sometimes!" Jiwon gasped, slapping his hands against his cheeks for added effect and Junhoe groaned, hating being called out.

"Stop, you know what I mean..."

 _Yeah, I do, because you said it before you tried to pretend you didn't._ "Sure I do. Now let's go."

"Wait, but...agh, fine," Junhoe sighed in disappointment, about to start up the engine before Jiwon tugged on his arm, saying amusedly, "Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Are you _sure-_ "

"Yeah."

And Jiwon looked at Junhoe and saw just how troubled the younger looked. He knew he had to be careful now because they had just been through a plethora of emotions (compared to what they usually did), something that he knew Junhoe took a lot of effort to usually avoid.

So all he did was take hold of Junhoe's hand, squeezing it lightly and watching the small smile that spread across Junhoe's face. "Okay. Maybe holding hands _can_ be our thing."

"But doesn't _every_ couple do it?" Junhoe mimicked and Jiwon laughed.

"Okay, I deserved that. Just don't tell any of them about it and we'll be good."

They both smiled at each other, their looks full of cheesy things like sparkling eyes and blushes and softness, and they looked away a second later because they couldn't handle being infected with so much emotion.

That wasn't their speed.

And even if it was, they'd just keep that to themselves for now.

 


	10. junhoe

The heart wants what it wants, and Junhoe knew that his wanted something but he didn't know _what_. Maybe he was just being stupid because he was more than satisfied with his life right now—he had annoying but pretty darn great friends, a perfect boyfriend, grades that he was keeping up rather well with Jinhwan's help, and a place to live. He always thought that his first year of university would be the _worst_ but well, he had so many good things to soften the blows that semi-grown-up life threw at him.

But it was also only January. He had a while to go before he could come to any set conclusions.

It had been three days since the dinner date, and all seven of them were out at the mall for a small get-together which they hadn't done in a while—Junhoe was actually the one who had suggested it which surprised everyone. But Junhoe had small spurts of realisation of how much his friends meant to him every now and then and he knew he had to spend time with them before he closed them off from his heart without meaning to. Besides, it was a nice excuse to see Jiwon trying on bunny ears and getting overly hyped over sales.

Yep. Perfect boyfriend indeed.

"Let's get this!" Jiwon said excitedly, holding up a mirror that was almost the size of him and Junhoe wondered how he wasn't struggling. "Wouldn't you like to walk past this from time to time and marvel at your whole self? And it's so _cheap._ "

"Those both sound like nice things but...where would we put it?"

Jiwon drooped a little but still didn't give up, saying, "I'm sure there's free space somewhere."

"Why do you even want it, you're not into this kind of thing?" Junhoe asked with a raised eyebrow while checking himself out in the mirror at the same time without even trying to hide it. But he registered Jiwon's narrowed eyes as the guy grumbled, "Excuse you, but bargains like this are _gold_ , it doesn't matter what it is, just how much. Wasn't your mum ever obsessed with offers?"

"We didn't really go shopping together much," Junhoe said flatly and Jiwon frowned, looking defeated.

"Darn it. That was my only argument..."

"When we buy an actual house, we can fill it full of things that were all born from offers, how's that?" Junhoe tried to negotiate and Jiwon sighed, putting the mirror down heavily as he muttered, "Fine. But I'm holding you to that."

"It's not like I wouldn't _want_ to, it sounds like a great idea actually."

"So why can't we buy the mirror?!" Jiwon complained all over again, picking it up again and Junhoe put a distressed hand on his head, not even bothering anymore. He had no idea that _he_ would be the one shutting something down but then he met Jiwon and the fates just aligned.

When two immature people meet, it's only natural that they both have to work a little harder.

Also, it really didn't help when Yunhyeong passed them (being dragged by Chanwoo) while stage-whispering coyly, "Do I sense some married couple culture?"

Jiwon's mouth dropped open at the words which, okay, that was a pretty normal reaction compared to Junhoe literally _shoving_ Jiwon to the side and screeching, "No marrying! No culture! This is pathological injustice!"

"Ooooh, maybe we would've believed you if you added 'no couple!' in there too," Chanwoo chipped in, grinning at Yunhyeong's impressed cackle and then the two troublemakers were off to their own endeavours. Junhoe glared after them, mimicking them out of pure annoyance before he heard, "I get that you were embarrassed but you didn't have to _push_ me."

Junhoe's head whipped to the side so fast that he could've broken his neck, his eyes widening in fear. "That's not—hyung, I'm sorry, I just, you know how I get sometimes, I wasn't thinking-"

"You didn't let me have the mirror and now my side hurts," Jiwon huffed but he seemed more sad than angry as he stuck his arm out. "Let's just go, I think it's time we all meet up for food anyway."

"Wait, please...don't be mad at me," Junhoe pleaded as he quickly reached out for Jiwon's hand, clamping his own to it tightly. Junhoe hadn't wanted this to happen at all, and usually when someone else was angry at him, Junhoe would just be angry back because anger was always his speciality and the person was probably just stupid for being mad at him! But Jiwon wasn't stupid, and Junhoe couldn't _ever_ be angry at him even if he did horrible things like break his heart or his laptop.

Junhoe knew his priorities.

"I'm not mad, Junhoe, just let me be annoyed for a little while. It's been a long day, don't you get long days?"

Junhoe just panicked even more. A long day? What was that supposed to mean?!... _seriously, what **does** this mean?_ "Oh, uh, okay. Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Jiwon said and Junhoe's face fell because his stupid self couldn't even _apologise_ correctly. Why in his making process couldn't even a fraction of his good looks have been given to relationship skills instead, why? "I mean, you shouldn't be sorry. You didn't do anything, don't let me get you down."

"You're just usually so bright and...sparky." _Yes, Junhoe, that's totally a word and not a name for a dog._

"Sparks fizzle out sometimes?"

 _But, you seemed so happy just ten minutes ago..._ "Well, I guess that's true but-"

"Guys, get _over_ here!" a familiar voice called out as they approached the food courts, and then Jinhwan was running up to them and tugging on Junhoe's arm with Hanbin in tow. "You're the only two who haven't ordered, the meet-up time was ten minutes ago."

"Okay, okay, we're here now," Junhoe said as he sent Jinhwan a quick grin, and he felt thankful when Hanbin linked arms with Jiwon and managed to make him smile too. It didn't matter if _Junhoe_ wasn't the cause of his boyfriend's happiness, just as long as he was still happy then everything was fine. "Where're the others?"

"Just in front of you. Order and then we'll go to them, yeah?"

"Cool." Junhoe was about to go off with Jinhwan but there was something holding him back—Jiwon's hand. It didn't look so obvious to onlookers because of how big their sleeves were but Junhoe looked down at it, biting his lip before he looked back up at Jiwon who wasn't looking at him, instead immersed in conversation with Hanbin about hyenas. "Um..."

Junhoe squeezed Jiwon's hand lightly which made the elder jolt and look at him in surprise. "What?"

"Let's go order food."

"Oh, yeah, sure."

Junhoe smiled a little awkwardly at him in return before letting go of his hand (reluctantly) and allowing Jinhwan to lead the way. It was already weird enough that him and Jiwon had talked so much during an outing for _all seven_ of them and Junhoe just had to remember that this wasn't like their date—Jiwon would probably want nothing to do with him for the rest of the day.

And that was fine.

Totally fine.

Absolutely. Fine.

###

"What do you think would taste better, fries dipped in ice cream or in a milkshake?" Chanwoo asked, deep in thought and while Yunhyeong looked at him like he was mad, Junhoe perked up at the question.

"They taste almost exactly the same. Not that I'd know or anything," Junhoe replied with a full mouth and Donghyuk grimaced even though he was smiling a little.

"You're disgusting."

"You ate a smoothie made of cabbage once, don't talk to me about _disgusting._ "

"At least that's actually healthy!"

"Oh, how dare you..."

"What?"

"Anything that looks like green vomit will _never_ be healthy in my bo-"

"I don't know how I'm still hungry after all that," Jinhwan sighed, shoving a fry into his mouth and Hanbin patted his back sympathetically, saying, "None of us know, hyung. None of us."

"Look, try," Chanwoo urged, holding up a milkshaked fry to Yunhyeong's mouth and the elder winced, staring at it like it was about to take his life until he simply sighed and ate it. Chanwoo beamed, hugging Yunhyeong in return who only rolled his eyes and felt a little sick. The things he did for love.

Junhoe wasn't sure how but he managed to notice Jiwon staring at the couple and he wondered why. They weren't being that intriguing or more special than usual, and he'd call them gross if that wasn't the kind of thing he wanted to be able to do with Jiwon one day—but he was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard, "Guys, I need to go to the toilet, I'll be right back."

"Alright, have fun!" Donghyuk said brightly as Jiwon stood up before the former reconsidered his words. "Or...don't. You know what, never mind."

Jiwon only grinned in reply before he walked off, stuffing his hands in his pockets and the others fell back into conversation again easily. But Junhoe watched him go and suddenly realised that this was a _perfect_ opportunity to catch Jiwon and talk to him. Sure, he had no idea what to say but he still felt like it was something he needed to do, and didn't someone once say that intuition was the best thing for a relationship?

So he waited a minute, staying completely still.

Then another minute.

And then he was yelling rapidly, "I need to go to the bathroom too, goodbye, civilians!" before he shot up and power-walked away from the table, pumping his arms like a determined man on a mission which was what he _was_. He didn't even tone down his intimidating expression as he waited outside the men's restroom, actually scaring off a few guys from coming in.

_This is totally a good idea. I have to have at least a **tiny** swatch of relationship skills and maybe they haven't come out yet, but they'll resurface now, right? Right. I'm gonna confront my boyfriend and if I've done anything wrong, I'll face it like a man. 'Cause that's what I **am**._

"Junhoe?! What the heck are you-"

"I am a man!" Junhoe blurted out instantly, pointing a finger at Jiwon who had just come out of the restroom and looked very, very confused.

"Yeah, I know that..."

"And as a man, I'm just gonna come out and say it!" Junhoe then tried so hard to keep speaking, but then he realised something. "Um, I don't—yeah I don't know what I wanted to say."

Jiwon looked like he really wanted to face-palm, and Junhoe didn't blame him. How did he manage to mess this up so quickly? _Don't answer that._

"Come on, let's go talk somewhere else," Jiwon finally said, grabbing Junhoe's wrist before looking straight at a guy staring at them strangely. "What, you never seen a gay couple talk? Actually, that's pretty reasonable in this country, good day to you."

Junhoe sent the now-even-more-weirded-out guy a curt nod before he followed Jiwon's lead to wherever they were going. And Junhoe felt so giddy, like he had just swallowed a bunch of rainbows, because Jiwon had outed what they were just like _that_ as if there was no shame, no reason to keep it a secret. Which was absolutely true anyway but still.

"Okay, just stand here and tell me what's up," Jiwon said as they got to a place that was just a tiny bit more secluded with shade, the crook between escalators. "Don't get ahead of yourself, I'll wait."

"That's the thing, I don't _know_ what's up. Something's just been niggling at me all this time, and I'm just so worried that you're still upset, and maybe you're upset with me-"

"Junhoe, wait-"

"Or maybe you're not even upset but it's something else or it's _nothing_ which will just make me look like an idiot, and I don't like looking like an idiot! Even though it happens a lot, and it's happening right now..."

Jiwon didn't look confused any more but just plain worried which was kind of sweet. _Here comes the fuzziness.._.

"Do you mind sitting on the floor? 'Cause I don't and I think we need to sit," Jiwon deadpanned before instantly sinking to the ground, sitting down cross-legged and Junhoe only followed suit without any argument. It wasn't like a lot of people walked here anyway. "So yeah, you're not wrong, something kinda _is_ up with me if I think about it."

"I knew it! I'm _not_ a terrible boyf-"

"But you're overreacting like crazy, Junhoe-ya. And it's cute, but ridiculous because I'm really not that upset."

Junhoe frowned, not expecting to be told that. So he _wasn't_ being a good boyfriend at all, he was just being a dramatic, annoying one because he had read too much into a situation. "I'm such an idiot."

"No!"

"Hyung, don't. You know I'm right."

"Why is this so difficult? I've never been good with difficult," Jiwon sighed, resting his head in his hands and Junhoe almost choked up. He could see it all set out so clearly.

Saying their relationship was hard to deal with.

The tired tone.

The stressed position.

Jiwon might just break up with him right there on the floor of a shopping mall.

"I guess us hiding our relationship is getting to me more than I thought it did."

 _Oh,_ was the first thing Junhoe thought. _Okay, so that's not quite a break-up. Hell yeah._

_Wait..._

"That's what's bothering you? Hyung, I'd yell it to the entire world if it would make you feel better!" And Junhoe started standing up to do just that but Jiwon pulled him straight back down, shaking his head even though he was smiling so big now. Gosh, Junhoe had _missed_ that smile even though he had seen it like an hour ago, but it wasn't that big then. Only Junhoe could make him smile like this, that he knew.

"I don't want you doing it just to make me feel better," Jiwon said, patting Junhoe's knee. "I want you to be ready. Hell, maybe _I'm_ not even ready yet and it's not like we act all couply either way but I want to, every now and then. In private _or_ public. And then stupid Yunhyeong and Chanwoo had to make me all jealous about it, for God's sake, I'm not a jealous person!"

"But you are when it comes to _me,_ " Junhoe sang teasingly, grinning when Jiwon punched him lightly in the leg. "You know what, I'm rather flattered. I would like people to know that I was dating me if I was you too, that's just a given."

Jiwon rolled his eyes but Junhoe didn't let him speak as he just kept going. "And if I was me, which I am, surprisingly, I'd really like...to say that...I'm dating you. I'm dating Kim Jiwon. Kim Jiwon's my boyfriend. Because now that I'm thinking about it, there's no reason for me to hide it because I'm not ashamed of us, of me, of _you_. I could never be. I'm just...afraid of all the backlash. Not that I'm _actually_ afraid, that's just a figure of speech, duh."

"Yeah, duh," Jiwon replied, playing along as he gave Junhoe the softest look in the universe. It scared Junhoe a little but he also felt stars exploding everywhere, in his mind, his chest, his eyes because he actually had someone like Jiwon, someone who liked him _this much._

"So I guess, if we're gonna do this...then now's the perfect time."

"Oh come on, we can't rush into anything that fast."

"Yeah we can! I'm really good at rash decisions if you didn't know already, hyung."

"Usually so am I. Maybe being with you so much has forced me to get a little more mature."

Junhoe frowned, whining in defence and it didn't help when Jiwon only laughed heavily at his hurt pride. But Junhoe couldn't help but feel lighter because his earlier fear of Jiwon being upset was now completely alleviated. He was _free._

"Let's go back to the others. They might have thought we got lost and now we're wandering circles around this darn place," Jiwon piped up, standing up and stretching out like he had been sitting in the same place for hours. Junhoe nodded, holding his hand out so Jiwon could help him get up and the elder grinned. "You big baby."

"Not denying that at all."

Jiwon took his hand in the end but pulled with much more force than expected and even though Junhoe did stand up, he was left dizzy as he fell into Jiwon and almost had them back on the floor again. "Wowie..."

"Falling for me, are we?" Jiwon asked, wiggling his eyebrows but Junhoe only blinked and said bluntly, "Hyung, we're dating. I already fell for you ages ago."

"Even though you sound like you're ruining things, you just make them better," Jiwon evaluated proudly (even though he was _this_ close to blushing like crazy), a little hesitant as he wrapped his arm around Junhoe's shoulders and the younger jolted at the contact, staring down at Jiwon's hand that was now right next to his face. It was a really nice hand. It was also Jiwon's. This was nerve-wracking. "I adore you so so so much."

"You _do?"_ Junhoe squeaked before quickly clearing his throat, muttering a low, "I might just adore you too," and he could've melted right to the floor when he got a kiss on the cheek in return. Jiwon didn't even run away from him this time.

So yes, the heart wants what it wants, and Junhoe knew what his wanted now. It just wanted moments like this where he was wholeheartedly smitten, peaceful, happy but he had to be sharing it with someone else. And that someone else was right there with him, awkwardly but firmly hanging on to him and cackling at almost everything Junhoe did, and it was perfection.

_Hey._

_Maybe I actually **am** a good boyfriend after all. Or at the least, I'm getting there._

 


	11. flashback: jiwon

** Four months ago: September 2018 **

It had only been a week that Jiwon and Junhoe had properly been living together and Jiwon was already almost certain that his reckless roommate was dead.

It had all started when Junhoe had left the apartment without saying a single thing and Jiwon couldn't really object, because why should Junhoe tell him why, or where he was going? That wasn't Jiwon's problem to think about, he wasn't included at all and Junhoe was a grown man who could do whatever he— _fuck this, he's an idiot, why the heck didn't he stay inside?!_

Junhoe had been giving Jiwon weird vibes ever since he came home from his classes. A big giveaway was when he almost tore the door of its hinges trying to open it and Jiwon had to in the end, thinking that it was some kind of criminal but it was just his grumpy-faced roommate who tore straight past him without a second of acknowledgement.

Jiwon didn't know how to feel.

For one thing, it wasn't like Junhoe _didn't_ ignore him on a daily basis, that was a given but the guy usually had the audacity to greet Jiwon if he was there after he came home. It was just one of the many undecided, mutual agreements that they had like how if one of them was making or buying food then it had to be enough for the both of them, or if something was lost then they'd both turn the apartment upside down looking for it no matter which one of them it belonged to.

Maybe Jiwon hadn't known Junhoe as long as some people but Jiwon still _knew_ him, and he cared. He cared that Junhoe didn't say hi because Jiwon had been waiting all day to say hi back since Junhoe had left too early in the morning. He had kind of missed him and his quiet company and Jiwon didn't admit that kind of thing easily so now that Junhoe had seemed like a little bit of a jerk, Jiwon's pride had just been...flattened.

 _Maybe something happened,_ Jiwon thought, his eyes shifting towards the door that Junhoe was now behind. _No, scratch that, something **definitely** happened. Junhoe's not a jerk, he's just a repressed sweetheart who gets emotional sometimes—is he emotional now? Anger's an emotion, right? Or he might just be tired, and I should just drop it..._

Though that didn't stop Jiwon from standing right outside Junhoe's door ten minutes later, biting his nails absent-mindedly as he debated whether he should go in or not. He wanted to help, but he didn't know how. He wanted to tell Junhoe that everything was okay, but he didn't know why. And while he was caught up in all of these thoughts and emotions, he was pulled out of it all when he felt himself getting punched in the gut by a single sound.

A sob.

And because of the newfound knowledge that Junhoe; strong, beautiful Junhoe; was crying and he couldn't do anything to help, Jiwon almost cried too.

###

It had been an hour since that moment, thirty minutes since Jiwon heard heavy rain crashing on their roof, fifteen minutes since he saw that the weather forecast predicted a heavy storm that welcomed floods and danger tonight, and ten minutes since Junhoe had left the building without any warning.

Jiwon didn't know how he could've been such a _moron_ to just sit there and let Junhoe go in such weather conditions because maybe Junhoe hadn't known how bad everything was getting outside, but Jiwon did! He might've just killed his roommate because he had withheld information and wasn't both of those also the kind of things that could get you _arrested—_

 _Just breathe,_ Jiwon told himself as he hugged a pillow and Winnie to his chest, putting Winnie on top of the pillow so he could live the luxury life. _Junhoe'll see himself through this. So what if he usually goes out and gets drunk every time he's feeling things? He's probably smart enough to take one look at the sky and say boo-hoo to the booze, right?_

_Fuck. No. No, he's not, an emotional Junhoe is dumber than a rock. I should've done something._

_This sucks._

"Phone," Jiwon announced out loud as he quickly pounced on the mentioned object, sending the pillow and Winnie flying. But then Jiwon just had to feel jarring disappointment twice; he didn't have Junhoe's number, and he had no service available to ask anyone else for it. And Jiwon wanted to cry again, out of frustration, out of stress, out of fear that that _amazingly_ loud lightning strike just then could've hit Junhoe and broken him along with Jiwon's heart into charred pieces.

Jiwon didn't even have the emotional awareness to stop and think about how depressingly in love he sounded.

He was still clueless in that sense.

_"The beginnings of floods have decided to make themselves known all throughout South Korea, primarily hitting the north-west coast near Seoul and Incheon the hardest. More updates coming soon, let's turn over to our correspondent on the streets in Seoul to describe matters further."_

"Oh my _God,_ " Jiwon groaned, turning the television off and nearly throwing the remote at the wall. But instead he blinked and, like it was an instinct and maybe it kinda _was_ , his hands wrapped around each other and his eyes drooped shut.

Jiwon hadn't prayed in a while. Not since his brother had fallen ill.

"Hey, God. Are you there?" Jiwon swallowed after he said that, almost expecting a response for a second. "It's okay, I know you are. I know I haven't talked to you much, not since, you know. I hope you don't blame me, sir, it just got a little more difficult to reach out to you."

A soft rumble of thunder filled the air and a bittersweet smile played on Jiwon's lips. "I got it. Thank you. But this is something else entirely, and maybe this really _will_ be the last time I'll have to bother you, who knows? Just please, keep Koo Junhoe safe, don't let him go so early, I'm _begging_ you. He deserves happiness, please make sure that if— _when_ he comes back, what made him sad will leave his mind or at least become a better memory. I love him, okay?" Jiwon almost opened his eyes since he had even taken _himself_ by surprise by saying that. It had just seemed...right to say. Besides, he loved all of his friends so this didn't have to be weird... "Well, I love him, but I don't. It makes sense, I promise, even if it's only to me and no-one else. All I can give him right now is my love and my prayers so please, make sure he gets them?"

Jiwon let out a loud, drawn-out sigh, his heart growing heavy as his head fell lower and maybe he would've fallen asleep right there and then; feelings always _did_ tire him out. But he jolted the instant he heard feeble knocking on the door, and then he was scrambling onto his feet in seconds.

_Wow, God, you work **fast** when you want to._

The knocking hadn't stopped once since it had started, but the knocks weren't getting any harder. Maybe they were getting weaker. But Jiwon wasn't thinking about any of that when he flew to the door and opened it with barely any less fervour. All his mind could do was spin when he saw his roommate standing there dripping from head to toe with his head down and fist still raised from when he was knocking.

Jiwon didn't know how many times he had sworn that day, but he wasn't about to stop. "You fucking idiot."

"I know," was the hoarse whisper he got in return and Jiwon gently pulled Junhoe into the apartment by his drenched sleeve, _not_ -so-gently slamming the door shut behind him.

###

Jiwon dropped a warm towel onto Junhoe's back as the younger now sat on the sofa, considerably drier but frozen in place. He finally moved a little in the form of a flinch because of the towel and he remembered to mumble a small, "Thanks."

"No problem."

Jiwon stayed where he was for a while, hovering over Junhoe from behind the sofa because he was still too worried for his own good. Junhoe was sniffling every few seconds and his hair was still dripping water, but the guy didn't seem to care about any of that, not as much as Jiwon did. But then it suddenly all became too much when Junhoe's sniffles grew and blew up into soft, quiet tears that gave way for a heartbreaking sob every minute or so; and now Jiwon wished he _didn't_ care. He wished he didn't care about Junhoe one bit because this, this was one of the most painful things he had ever felt.

"Hyung," Junhoe croaked and Jiwon had to bite down on his fist to keep his own stupid mouth shut. "I-I know we have this thing going on where we're awkward, we're distant, we show no weakness around each other but just- just for a few minutes, can we put it on pause? I just n-need a hug so bad, _please-_ "

And this time, Jiwon finally did the right thing after so many wrongs and took no time at all in swooping into the seat next to Junhoe and wrapping the younger up in his arms, not letting any thoughts breach his mind because this was purely to help Junhoe and _not_ himself.

And it was working.

Junhoe's breath was shaky as he slid his arms over Jiwon's back so tightly as if his life depended on it. Jiwon started to wonder if this was enough and soon he was pulling Junhoe closer and whispering in his ear, "Are you okay?"

Other people would say it was a stupid question. But Jiwon knew Junhoe responded better to stupid questions.

"I will be. I will be," Junhoe whispered back twice, and Jiwon had an inkling that the guy was saying it more times in his mind so it'd actually become the present instead of the future. "I think, I finally know what being broken feels like."

Jiwon bit his lip and nodded. "It's hard, isn't it?"

"No. If it was hard, then it'd be strong, then it wouldn't have shattered, and it wouldn't be broken, and I'd be okay."

Jiwon smiled a little in the midst of it all, his heart bubbling when he felt Junhoe hook his chin over his shoulder. "I prayed for you, you know."

"Really?" Junhoe asked, his voice suddenly soft and Jiwon didn't know why. It wasn't like he _knew_ why Jiwon barely ever prayed anymore. "Jinhwan-hyung told me that you only pray when you're really, really scared..."

"What...? Oh my gosh, that freaking _liar_...pathological, I tell you, I always knew we should stop hanging out with him, he's plain trouble-"

"Alright, alright, forget I said anything," Junhoe murmured amusedly before surging into the hug so fiercely that Jiwon almost fell back against the sofa seats. The only thing keeping him up at this point was Junhoe's intoxicating scent of vanilla and rain that almost made Jiwon sigh dreamily out loud (which would've been hard to explain), "because Jiwon-hyung is so obviously scared of nothing."

"Yeah," Jiwon rasped as he breathed Junhoe in, running light fingers up and down the younger's back. "Nothing at all."

Fifteen minutes later and Junhoe was fresh out of the shower, Jiwon was stirring hot chocolate, and it was like that whole ordeal had never happened. Even though it was all Jiwon could think about.

Junhoe nodded in gratitude when Jiwon handed him a cup of hot chocolate, bringing it to his nose to smell it and the smile growing on his face warmed Jiwon's heart.

Jiwon didn't know why he wasn't moving away. Jiwon didn't know why he was still standing in front of Junhoe but his feet just wouldn't _work_. Junhoe slowly looked up from the cup to Jiwon's face and raised an eyebrow, clearing his throat before asking, "Anything else...?"

"What did you do while you were outside?"

Junhoe sighed softly, setting his cup down on the kitchen counter. "Not much, hyung, just tried to bear the storm. I'm not in the mood for questions."

"Why did you go outside?"

"I always go outside when I'm upset."

"Why were you upset?"

"That's personal."

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Then trust me when I say, you'll be okay. If you felt broken then you're already healing and you'll feel better every step of the way. Being weak can feel like the worst thing in the world, I know, but you have to be knocked down to get up stronger. No matter what you do just promise me that you won't take today simply as the day you were 'weak', okay?"

Maybe at another time, Jiwon would have laughed at the pretty shade of pink that was dusting Junhoe's cheeks then, but instead he was only determined as he stuck his pinky out. Junhoe stared at it for a moment, his eyebrows drawn together a little in thought before he slowly raised his eyes to meet Jiwon's and they both flinched a little at the eye contact, trying so hard to keep it. And then Junhoe wrapped his own pinky around Jiwon's as he muttered lowly, "Pinky promise."

It didn't happen at all like it said it did in movies or books. There were no fireworks or blooming static electricity where their skin met, no erupting, tingling sensation or fire coursing through his veins. It didn't even hit Jiwon in the face like a brick; it was smooth, calming, as if he had already kind of known all along.

That was the moment Jiwon realised he was hopelessly head over heels for Junhoe, and he didn't care about the fact that it would never work out and he'd never be bold enough to make a move. He was too wrapped up in vanilla, Junhoe's soft smile, love, and promises.

###

**Present Day: January 2019**

"Hyung, I'm gonna go to Donghyuk's apartment in like five minutes, I'll be back soon," Junhoe said, peeking a head through Jiwon's door. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course, you don't need my permission," Jiwon answered, looking up from his work to smile at Junhoe. "But thanks for telling me."

"It's cool."

"Have fun."

"I will."

Jiwon nodded and went back to his work, something he had to get done before midnight even though extensions would probably be given without much hassle. But he could still feel Junhoe's presence lingering as if he had more to say than a quick farewell, and then Jiwon was turning around again. "You can come in if you really want to."

A glimmer of relief came and passed in Junhoe's eyes as the younger walked in slowly and sat down on the edge of Jiwon's bed just behind the desk Jiwon was sitting at. "I've...I've got a question."

"And that's a great thing," Jiwon replied solemnly, grinning when Junhoe narrowed his eyes at him.

"It's kinda deep."

"Not surprising."

"It might be a little stupid."

"Also not surprising."

"Stop, I'm _serious,_ " Junhoe whined in annoyance and Jiwon snickered a little, trying to tell his teasing juices to take a hike. "Please, hyung."

"Okay, okay, go ahead. I'll behave."

"It's just another one of my weird thoughts," Junhoe mumbled, wringing his hands as he stared at the floor. "But, when did you realise you liked me as _more_ than a friend? And I know you did before a week ago because, I saw the way your face lit up when I asked you out. I never realised before but...when?"

It was funny, really, just how much Junhoe quizzed Jiwon on stuff to do with their relationship. It made Jiwon notice just how much more _insecure_ Junhoe was than Jiwon originally thought he would be.

The question made Jiwon laugh a little because of how adorable it was.

"Ah, it might be best not to bring that up."

"What? Why not?"

"I don't want to remind you of it."

"Wait...huh?" Junhoe asked confusedly as if he couldn't possibly fathom that answer and Jiwon couldn't blame him one bit.

"It was a bad day for you," Jiwon tried to explain further but it didn't go very well and he was probably just making things even more nonsensical, and the alarmed look on Junhoe's face made that clear. "Like, I... _ugh_ , you just weren't feeling too good that day, Junhoe-yah, I don't want to make you upset again, that's all."

"So you realised you liked me...when I was at my lowest?" Junhoe asked tentatively, blinking up at Jiwon who had no idea how to answer. "How's that supposed to work?"

"I don't know, but I guess love's not supposed to make sense, right?"

Jiwon and Junhoe stared at each other for a moment after that, shy but unwavering until suddenly Jiwon stupidly blurted out, "Weren't you going to go?" at the same time that Junhoe said, "I think I'll take a rain-check on leaving," and they both stared at each other in amazement until Jiwon said weakly, "Oh. I guess not, then."

"Donghyuk wouldn't miss me."

"Ah."

"I didn't even tell him I was coming."

"I see."

"You're not gonna ask why I'm not going anymore?"

"No," Jiwon said before he could stop himself. "Wait, am I supposed to?"

"Hyung," Junhoe said slowly, as if he was very carefully trying to articulate his words for the best possible outcome. "I'm trying to say...that...I want to stay inside."

Jiwon nodded, raising his eyebrows a little. "Okay..."

"And do you know who else is inside?"

"Uh...me?"

"Yeah. You." Then Junhoe just looked at Jiwon, his expression anticipating, worried and hopeful and then it finally hit Jiwon exactly what Junhoe wanted.

His company. Not Donghyuk's, not anyone else's, but _Jiwon's._

_Oh my God._

"Oh. _Oh._ You want to...with _me_...instead of...oh wow."

Junhoe was blushing now, trying to play it off cool by covering his face with one hand but it didn't work one bit because the whole thing was just getting so out of hand and since Jiwon didn't want Junhoe to regret this holy moment and turn back on it, he jumped up from his seat and said, "I'll go put on a movie, in the living room, if you wanna..."

"I wanna."

And Jiwon was about to bound off and blast popcorn into the microwave before he paused and walked over to Junhoe who was still sitting down, not even thinking as he took the guy's face in his hands and planted a loud kiss on the top of his head, making Junhoe splutter as his hands immediately flew up to encircle Jiwon's wrists. "H- _Hey-_ "

"I just thought I should do that," Jiwon said with a giddy grin, fighting off the embarrassment and nerves that were threatening to ruin the moment, and then the unthinkable happened. Junhoe smiled _too_ , only meeting Jiwon's eyes for a moment before they dropped lower and even though _his_ face was pink, Jiwon was the one getting sunburn from Junhoe looking so beautifully bright.

"You're so weird," Junhoe muttered as his grip on Jiwon's wrists grew looser. "I don't get you."

Junhoe looked almost exactly like he had on that day two months ago when they were making their promise; shy, flustered, eyebrows furrowed and expression drawn from all sorts of emotions.

And Jiwon almost did it.

He almost kissed Junhoe, on his lips.

But he didn't. He just pulled his arms backwards so his hands connected with Junhoe's and then they were both going to the living room, starting a clipped conversation that kept on running back and forth between the topics of snacks and which movie to watch. But Jiwon didn't remember much about the movie in the end. He only remembered five things:

i. Laughing about a million times that night because of Junhoe's commentary and weird faces.

ii. Almost suffocating Junhoe with the empty popcorn bag because he gave a spoiler that was barely even relevant, but Jiwon got _heated_ over it.

iii. Spontaneously deciding to call Jinhwan and suddenly reveal their relationship because Junhoe made an offhand comment about how 'those ghosts are more visible than the fact that we're dating' but Jinhwan didn't even pick up. His loss.

iv. Slipping into sleepy mode near the end of the movie, nearly passing out before Junhoe kissed him on the temple and whispered, "Good night." Jiwon was glad he didn't miss that.

v. Hearing Junhoe gasp, "Oh my gosh, you realised you liked me the day my mother died!" right before Jiwon fell into a deep sleep.

But he had forgotten the last two by the time morning came.

 


	12. junhoe

Junhoe was very dishevelled when he walked into the living room that morning and if he fell somewhere, which didn't seem that unlikely, he probably wouldn't bother getting up until Jiwon would come over to poke him with his foot. Luckily, his feet decided to be rather coordinated.

"Hey!" Jiwon said brightly from the kitchen area, sporting very messy hair and a grin as he stirred something in a bowl, and Junhoe instantly smiled back.

"Hey..."

"I'm only up this early 'cause I gotta go somewhere. I won't be back for a while, maybe around six-ish."

"Ah," Junhoe replied, feeling a drab sense of loneliness settle in his stomach and Jiwon hadn't even left him yet. "Why will it take so long?"

"I'm going to meet up with my mom so, I'm gonna hang out with her a little," Jiwon answered matter-of-factly, reaching up to try and get to the cutlery in the top cabinet before frowning at his failure. "Oh come _on_...why are they even in there? Junhoe, I told you to stop putting stuff there, oh my God-"

"Hyung, I'm only like two or three centimetres taller than you, it shouldn't be that much of a hassle," Junhoe snorted but Jiwon didn't seem as amused, only grumbling, " _Exactly_ , so why can't I reach it? I'm tall! I actually am!"

Junhoe shrugged, walking over and stretching up a little before curling his fingers around the container holding the cutlery. "Okay, so maybe a few centimetres _can_ actually mean something sometimes."

"Shut up," Jiwon huffed but then Junhoe suddenly lost his balance and fell against Jiwon, making the elder's eyes widen as his instincts made him wrap an arm around Junhoe. "Woah, are you-"

"S-Sorry, I'm still a little out of it," Junhoe answered a beat late, yawning loudly as he walked out of Jiwon's hold and towards the sofa. He wasn't in the mood for breakfast just yet, all he really wanted to do was waste the rest of the weekend doing absolutely nothing (ignoring the fact that he had a job) while being with his boyfriend, but sure, he could take out the 'with his boyfriend' bit for now if he replaced it with food. A lot of food. And tv. Maybe he could kidnap Jinhwan and Chanwoo too?

"Want me to make you anything?"

"Nah. I'll eat later, maybe while I'm out at work."

"Alright...though I swear that's ages away but alright..."

"Wait, actually," Junhoe piped up, a thought coming to his head. "So, your mother. You're going to go meet your mom."

"Yeah."

"Um, does she...by any chance..."

"No!" Jiwon said so quickly that Junhoe felt like he had whiplash just by hearing it. "I mean, no, she doesn't know anything."

"Wait, does she know who I am?"

"It doesn't really, uh, come up..."

"Oh my gosh, _Jiwon-hyung,_ " Junhoe couldn't help but laugh, maybe out of disbelief or because he should've just expected it. It was a different story when it came to Junhoe himself, he didn't quite have anyone to tell about Jiwon except for friends (and perhaps his sister if she had more time to talk), but Junhoe knew that Jiwon was so tightly-knit with his family that it seemed crazy that Jiwon hadn't even just _accidentally_ mentioned Junhoe. But well, Jiwon was unpredictable sometimes. "Ah, it's okay, it's not like I thought you would tell them anyway."

"Wait, no, but now I feel bad!" Jiwon whined, stabbing a spoon into the table which just made Junhoe want to laugh more. "Do you want me to tell her today?"

"You do whatever you want, hyung. Perhaps it's too early to reveal the dating thing but maybe you could tell her about your _roommate._ Aka, me."

"Woah woah, that reminds me!"

Junhoe was almost scared out of his skin when Jiwon swooped into the seat on the sofa next to him and grinned brightly. "We've been dating for two weeks now."

"Fourteen days?" Junhoe asked with wide eyes and Jiwon nodded. "That's a _lot_ of days."

"A lot of days that you haven't got sick of me yet."

Junhoe let out a heavy sigh, pulling his legs up onto the sofa so he could cross them and instead of allowing Jiwon to apologise for his insecurities, he wanted to try his best to eliminate them. That was his job, right, to make Jiwon like himself as much as Junhoe liked him? "You know, sometimes I see you looking in the mirror in the bathroom, then I'll leave and come back in like ten minutes and you're still there. And then I'm just like 'whaaat, Jiwon-hyung's not vain or anything, why would he do that?' but then you'll say something like 'freaking hell, why can't I be prettier?' and I'm all like 'hyung, no, shut your mouth, you're perfect' but obviously I don't actually say that to your _face_ because that'd be weird and I'm too busy wanting to give you a hug. But I don't, 'cause, you know how I am...though don't write it off completely, I will one day!"

"Is this your attempt to make me feel better about myself?" Jiwon asked in a tone that was both soft and awed, his hand tapping Junhoe's knee so the boy would look at him. Junhoe didn't, though, only looking down at the hem of his shirt which he was fiddling with.

"I guess so. Is it working?"

"Junhoe, I don't-"

"You're really great and I would know what I'm talking about, I've been around people all my life," Junhoe said firmly, not willing to drop it. "Why do you think I like you so much? Do you even _know_ that I like you so much? Because, uh, _reality-check_ , mister, I do so you can get over yourself. Actually no, do the opposite of that. Yeah, that sounds more right, get under yourself or whatever, you need to learn your worth."

"I think that's gonna take a while and I gotta leave soon," Jiwon replied, sounding a little emotional and Junhoe sighed in disappointment.

"Fine, we'll work on it..."

"We?"

"Yeah, we, you got a problem?" Junhoe grumbled defensively as another one of his ways of battling emotions but he only got a laugh in return which made him a little ticked-off but also a little warm inside.

"I'll- I'll see you later," was all Jiwon could say, getting up to leave but Junhoe reached out to grasp his hand before he could. He wilted a little under Jiwon's confused, anticipating gaze but he managed to say, "I'm serious, I am. I, I don't know how to say what I want to say but, I don't want you to feel like you're worse than you are. It hurts me to know that you think that. Do you know what I'm saying?"

"I know," Jiwon answered quietly as if he hadn't got his head around it all yet. Junhoe nodded in satisfaction, muttering, "Good."

"You're really the best, you know?"

"Pfft, of course I am..."

"I'm glad you know that," Jiwon said sincerely, leaning down to kiss the hand that was in his and Junhoe hid his impromptu smile, looking away and clearing his throat weakly. "Ugh, now I _really_ don't want to leave you—why couldn't you have just done something normal like, I don't know, ignoring me until I left?"

Junhoe shrugged though he suddenly felt a little sad that Jiwon saw that as 'normal' behaviour. "I don't ignore you that much these days."

"I guess that's true," Jiwon agreed, letting go of Junhoe's hand and finally leaving the sofa. Junhoe's bubble of space felt a little colder after that but he had to get used to it. So sure, they hadn't been in different places from each other for more than two hours (and that gap was only because of classes) for months, but Junhoe did just fine by himself before he knew Jiwon, right? Right. Junhoe wasn't dependent on him at _all._

Besides, the kiss that Jiwon blew him before he left would probably keep him smiling for the whole day.

###

"Clean those spills they left, will you, Junhoe?"

"Already on it, boss."

A bunch of guys had just left the bar who were completely off-their-faces drunk and dealing with drunk people was honestly Junhoe's favourite part of his job. One guy wouldn't stop crying into another's shoulder, another kept on yelling at Junhoe to 'PILE UP ON THE DRINKIES, MY FINE BOI', and another kept on flitting between outright hitting on Junhoe, and yelling, "I'm not gAY, THE HOT BARTENDER'S JUST CONFUSING ME' (the others all said they felt the same way) before another guy kissed that guy square on the mouth and wailed 'I've always loved you, man!' and the other guy was like, 'broooo'.

Junhoe had never laughed so hard in his life, and it was quite flattering to be the reason for drunk questioning of sexuality.

Junhoe sang whatever came to his mind as he finished cleaning up, a soft melody that he couldn't pin a name to for the time being but he knew all the words. By the time he was back to simply waiting for customers, he heard a bright voice say, "Ah, you really have a beautiful voice!"

Junhoe blinked and shut up immediately, noticing the woman sitting at the bar counter with a beam on her face. "Oh...thank you, ma'am. How can I help you?"

"It's alright, I'm just waiting here while my son's in the bathroom. Is that okay?"

"Of course, stay as long as you want," Junhoe answered with a winning smile, grabbing a cloth so he could look busy and professional cleaning cups. "So, what brings you out today?"

"I'm just on a nice old outing with my two sons, we haven't done anything like it in a while."

Junhoe could only nod, his heart feeling heavy. "That sounds lovely."

"You see, one of my sons actually left this earth a while ago," the woman said calmly and Junhoe almost choked on air, "but I feel like he's still here in spirit, you know? It's like I can almost hear him saying that everything's okay and he won't ever leave us completely. I'm sure God's looking after him well, and that's all I need to know to be happy."

"It's nice to reach a sense of ease after grieving, isn't it?"

"It really is."

"Well, I hope you have a lovely day with your sons who I'm sure love you as much as you love them," Junhoe said softly because he just felt like he needed to say that, and the happy grin he got in return made him glad he did. There was something so motherly and warm about this woman and it made Junhoe more emotional than he would like to admit.

"That's so nice of you, gosh...but enough about me, I want to talk to a handsome young man about himself," the woman chirped and Junhoe laughed lightly, flipping his hair which had the woman laughing with him. "So, anything going on with your life, son?"

"Not really. I'm just in university at the moment and it's sort of hard, but I'm generally keeping on top of things."

"Ah, you're still in education? What are you going for?"

"Literature for major, music for minor. I've always loved writing poems and reading books so it's probably the best subject I could major in."

"I love reading some poems every now and then—what do you usually write them about?"

"My boyfriend," Junhoe answered before thinking that over a little. "Well, they're usually about my boyfriend but some are less obvious about it than others. Sometimes it's metaphorical, and instead of a person, he's the wind. Or sometimes I just describe a feeling he gives me like happiness- ooh, or fuzziness! That's my favourite."

"That has to be one of the most adorable things I have _ever_ heard," the woman said, absolutely charmed and Junhoe turned a little pink as he smiled down at the cup that he was now cleaning a little faster.

"Thanks for not judging."

"Hm? Why would I- ohhh," the woman suddenly realised and Junhoe almost snorted. "Ah, no, of course I wouldn't. My son himself is bi, you know, and I found it hard to deal with at first until I did a lot of thinking and processing and I realised that my son wasn't wrong, he never would be, and this kind of thing should just be normalised. But of course it's difficult when you're told one thing after having been told another all your life."

Junhoe nodded, feeling an overwhelming amount of respect for this woman that he had just met. "I understand you, I really do...if only all people had your reasoning."

"Did your parents accept you?"

Junhoe shrugged, only saying, "Kind of," and the woman didn't press him any further.

"Ooh, I guess it's time for me to go," the woman said as a text message buzzed on her phone and Junhoe figured it was her son. "It's been very nice talking to you, young man."

"As to you, ma'am."

"Bless you, and I hope your boyfriend treats you amazingly like you deserve," the woman said with a wink as she got up and Junhoe laughed a little nervously, waving her goodbye as he muttered under his breath, "Oh, he does, trust me..."

And then Junhoe was alone again with a mildly thriving bar and a cup that he had been cleaning for ten minutes, but now he felt a different sense of happiness than when he was dealing with funny drunk blokes. The feelings he had about his own mother were still quite...fresh, the way he had dealt with it was by pushing it down and pretending like nothing had happened, only minimally grieving when he was by himself or when he called his sister, so maybe that was the reason as to why he felt so sensitive towards someone who seemed even _remotely_ motherly towards him.

Junhoe kind of wanted to cry.

"I just got a little bit of whiskey in my eye," was the fumbled excuse Junhoe gave when his boss came over to check on him, and that was that.

###

An hour, two bar-fights and a lot of attempts from people trying to flirt with him later, Junhoe's shift was very nearly over. He was just lazily rubbing a cloth down the left side of the counter when a very familiar voice called out, "Hi, uh, can I get one coke, an iced coffee and my beautiful boyfriend to go please?"

Junhoe's eyes widened as he turned his head faster than dynamite. "I- hyung! What the hell are you doing here?"

"Me and 'ma have been in the area for ages. I actually came in here earlier, you didn't see me?" Jiwon asked with a bright grin, looking very proud of himself, and Junhoe shook his head as he walked over to where Jiwon was.

"No, I didn't. And I can get you your drinks but I can't leave for a good...ten minutes."

"Ah, that's okay. I was joking anyway because it would probably be _far_ too much too fast for you to meet the parents already," Jiwon said, leaning against the counter as Junhoe turned away to get the drinks ready. "I'm so scared for that...my mum doesn't usually take a liking to the people I date, though to be fair I've never dated a boy."

Junhoe spun around instantly, almost dropping the glass in his hand as he stared at Jiwon who looked like he wished he had never opened his mouth. "Shit, wait-"

"You've never dated a boy? You, wha- _I'm_ your first guy?" Junhoe asked in utter disbelief before he realised that his boss might be somewhere nearby so he went back to finding the bottled iced coffee, the coke in his other hand. He was so mind-blown and confused about his own feelings that he barely heard Jiwon trying to justify himself.

"Okay, okay so maybe you're my first guy but, I've had crushes on other guys before, kinda! I just never really get the chance to ask them out and it's not like I've even generally dated _that much_ before, it just happened every now and then, I didn't really-"

"Oh my _gosh_ , tell me, this is also your first relationship where you weren't the one to ask first, isn't it?" Junhoe asked almost accusingly, spinning around and slamming the drinks onto the counter which made Jiwon jump a little. "If I never asked, I bet we would've never happened."

Jiwon crossed his arms, seeming a little hurt and almost _angry;_  Junhoe suddenly felt so bad even though he probably wasn't going to back down anytime soon. "Junhoe, you're different, okay? It's not only because you were a boy, it's because-"

"Because what?"

"Because I thought you were out of my league! I still think that, _God_ , can we be done with this?!"

Junhoe sighed deeply, resting his hands against the counter as he muttered, "Hyung...no, no we can't be 'done with this'. What do you want me to say, that I'm okay with you feeling like you're not good enough?"

"Why would you care?" Jiwon asked confusedly and Junhoe almost screamed in frustration. "It's just my problem...and it's not like I'm _wrong._ "

"It's no— _it's not like you're wrong?!_ Do you hear yourself? Do you _know_ how crazy you're sounding from my perspective? I freaking _love_ you, you're one of my favourite people in the world and even I don't think I deserve you. You're not allowed to think you don't deserve me! That's utter bullshit because you're so...I can't even find the words. And I'm sick of you feeling like you're no good...I'm sick of not being able to step up and make you feel like you're amazing. It's not just your problem, I care so much that it's mine too."

"Is this our first fight?" Jiwon asked quietly, looking so desolate and withdrawn that Junhoe wanted to crumble to pieces on the spot.

"I'm just trying to show how much I love you. I'm sorry that this is the only way I can do it..."

"You said you love me twice."

"Yeah," Junhoe breathed out, so empty after his earlier rant that he couldn't bring himself to feel anything but weary. "Because I do. Go, hyung, you wouldn't want to keep your mother waiting."

"She's back home now, forget that I implied she's still here. I came here for you."

"Then who's the iced-" It dawned on Junhoe halfway through his sentence and he deflated, mumbling, " _I_ like iced coffee..."

"I know you do. So drink up, I'm paying."

Junhoe let out a small snort of derision as if to say 'shut up', pushing the can of coke towards Jiwon. "I'm...sorry."

Jiwon looked surprised. "Why?"

"I don't wanna fight. Even though it's more of me yelling at you while you just take it. I love you, I love you so much—see, now I've said it once, I don't ever want to stop and I don't think I _can_ stop but I will 'cause I'm being weird. Just...hyung, tell me to shut up, do it."

"But I don't want to," Jiwon replied which just made Junhoe groan. "I don't know what to say. At all. I wanna hug you so hard that you'll see stars but I also just wanna leave because I can't deal with this, I can't handle _you_ overloading _me_ on love and appreciation."

"I know. That's usually your job."

"Exactly, it's my job!"

Jiwon sighed loudly as he ran a hand through his hair and Junhoe only looked at him, really wishing that he had the ability to read minds. Had he gone too far now? Was this the tipping point for Jiwon, or was that wishless thinking(yes, Junhoe would totally twist that saying if he wanted to)?

"Junhoe."

Junhoe snapped out of his thoughts and nodded, giving Jiwon his hands absent-mindedly when he saw the elder reaching out for them. "Yeah?"

"Why do you love me?"

Junhoe sucked in a deep breath before he mustered up enough courage to look Jiwon straight in the eyes as he said, "There are so many reasons, hyung. So many. And I'm so bad at showing them but, for as long as it takes, for as long as we last, I'll try. I'll try to show you why."

Jiwon bit his lip and nodded, his hands shaking a little and Junhoe decided to let go of them, mostly because it was hard to keep his own from sweating. And then suddenly it was dawning on Junhoe what he had just done, everything he had said and he felt like he was the king of the _world._

"I actually did something, I _do_ have relationship skills, in your _face_ , God!" Junhoe yelled at the ceiling, feeling like he could do absolutely anything. "I don't suck at this! I love my boyfriend and you can't do anything about it, _I'm_ the only one who can do something about it! Suck on that!"

"Oh lord, Junhoe, shush," Jiwon sighed, looking both wary but amused and even though Junhoe felt so giddy, he nodded and decided to leave God alone. It was then that a buzzer from aside went off and Junhoe brightened immediately.

"Hey, my shift's over!"

"Put this wherever you put it then I'll take you home," Jiwon said, handing Junhoe the money for the drinks and the latter took it in haste, opening the cashier at quick fire speed and once he was done, he was throwing his cloth into a place it surely wasn't meant to go and then he was on the other side of the counter. A smile spilled onto his lips when Jiwon instantly went for his hand and there wasn't even any awkward fumbling. It just happened.

_We're actually getting somewhere._

And Junhoe would always be willing to wait until they got all the way.

"Love you, hyung."

Junhoe swallowed down his cackles when he felt Jiwon turn rigid next to him. "I'm actually gonna _combust_ next time you say that."

Junhoe grinned, swinging their conjoined hands. "It'd so be worth it."

 


	13. jiwon

As the cold days didn't really start getting any warmer the further into January it got, Jiwon had been having mixed feelings for too long about him and Junhoe.

 

For one thing, hearing that Junhoe _loved_ him? It was honestly all Jiwon ever wanted.

But on the other hand, it had only been a crisp two weeks and technically speaking, if they were playing it by the book, it was too early. Jiwon was by no means scared of commitment; no, he was more worried about the fact that Junhoe might not have _meant_ it. Maybe he had said it just for the sake of saying it, or maybe it was borne out of a burst of excitement and wasn't genuine. Maybe he didn't mean it and he didn't even _know_ that he didn't mean it.

Jiwon knew for a fact that Junhoe wasn't an affectionate person and that line of thinking made all of his doubts easier and easier to believe. But...Jiwon would be okay with whatever at this point; his head was still reeling over the fact that he was simply _dating_ Junhoe in the first place. Anything else didn't have to matter just yet.

"I was thinking," Junhoe said loudly that cold Sunday morning, breaking into the calm silence and Jiwon's head started to ache a little, "about going on a walk before work."

"That sounds nice," Jiwon answered lazily, toeing the door open before shuffling into Junhoe's room and handing him a mug of hot chocolate with a yawn. Junhoe hummed in gratitude, taking a sip but he almost choked in laughter when Jiwon face-planted beside him on the bed.

"You okay?"

"Tired. Should've stayed in bed," Jiwon mumbled against the duvet, moving his head to the side so he could look up at Junhoe through half-closed eyes. "Why do you wanna walk?"

"I have this urge to wear my scarf like, _right_ now. I don't know why."

"Your blue and white one?"

"Mhm. My mom knitted it when I was younger, and she made me promise to wear it at least once every year or an avalanche of snow would fall on me as karma."

"Your mother and I would totally get along, from what I've heard," Jiwon muttered, stretching out his arms and Junhoe smiled.

"Yeah, maybe."

Jiwon decided to close his eyes then, sinking into the bed ever-so-slightly. Only a minute passed before he heard a small clattering noise and then the bed started shifting, clearly meaning that Junhoe was moving and Jiwon thought he was going to leave because, well, why wouldn't he? But instead, the air around him got a lot warmer and he furrowed his eyebrows, cracking an eye open only to be face-to-face with Junhoe. "Oh. Hey."

"Hi," Junhoe replied, a shy smile on his lips and his cheeks kissed pink like early cherry blossom. And for a while, they just stared at each other and Jiwon couldn't help but think that this moment was probably his highlight of the week. Maybe of the whole month. His heart skipped a beat whenever he felt Junhoe's breath hit him which happened too much and Jiwon realised that he had missed being able to stare at Junhoe. He had been so caught up in everything else that he had sort of forgotten _just_ how beautiful his boyfriend was and now that he had the chance to see it all and memorise it over and over again, he never wanted to stop.

"I've never really seen you this close," Junhoe tried and failed to whisper and Jiwon almost laughed—Junhoe _had_ always been bad at trying to be quiet.

"I don't think I have either."

"It's strange."

"It is."

Keeping eye contact for more than five seconds was so draining that Jiwon almost felt more sleepy than before. His eyes dropped a little but his breath hitched when they settled on Junhoe's lips and he quickly looked away, slightly panicking inside. And of course Junhoe picked up on it as he started reaching out an arm towards Jiwon before pausing and pulling it back. "Hyung?"

"I-It's nothing, I'm fine."

"So there _is_ something, if you have to deny it."

Junhoe silently cursed himself, wishing he could roll away but he was too lazy. "It was seriously nothing...look, I should just leave anyway, I'm infecting your space-"

"No, don't leave!" Junhoe blurted out quickly and Jiwon stiffened in surprise. "And don't say you're _infecting_ , only diseases can infect. You're not a disease."

Jiwon hid his smile, his heart fluttering from how adorably defensive Junhoe sounded. This was also a new thing, Junhoe squaring up whenever Jiwon put himself down in any single way. He wondered where it all came from and why Junhoe had blown up the way he did the day before, it wasn't like Jiwon had been hating himself more than _usual_ recently. It was just how he had always been, a person who stocked up on self-deprecating humour, friends and crushes to send his love to rather than loving himself. The whole concept of 'liking who he was' was so foreign to him.

"What am I then?"

"Not a disease. Honestly, hyung, we already established that."

"Okay, _okay_ , don't go chopping my head off," Jiwon laughed, only getting more fuelled when he noticed Junhoe's not-so-terrifying glare. "Besides, _we_ didn't establish that, you did."

"Are you saying I'm a liar?!" Junhoe yelped, looking more outraged than ever and Jiwon nearly bit down on his fist to stop his laughter.

"No, babe, not a _liar_. Maybe an embellisher."

"I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult," Junhoe said, furrowing his eyebrows in thought. "Like, I'm a boyfriend and embellishing could make or break a relationship but I'm also a poet. You know poets. Embellishing is our _thing._ "

"Are you really putting a passion over our relationship?"

"Pfft, why are you even asking, of course I am," Junhoe answered flippantly, smiling softly when Jiwon giggled.

Jiwon shouldn't have _giggled_ , that wasn't supposed to something he _did._ He wasn't a stupid teenager in love, he was a big, tough man...in love. Okay, so maybe he could excuse himself for once.

"And it's not just a passion, it's a _future career option._ "

"Oh wow, so in the future when I say I'm married to a poet, do you think people would take that as romantic, lame, or should I just not mention it?"

"Are you...are you taking a dig at me or are you genuinely curious?"

"Both. Though to whoever says it's romantic, I'll tell them that you don't write any poems for _me_ per se."

Junhoe laughed at that, and maybe if Jiwon was even a tad bit better at emotions, he would have noticed how uncomfortably nervous Junhoe's laugh sounded. Jiwon really didn't notice a lot of things. "Well...don't diss what you haven't tried, hyung. Poems are pretty great."

"Oh, don't say that-"

"He lies like a fallen angel, darkened hair growing long as if it reaches the tips of his coruscating soul," Junhoe said lowly and Jiwon instantly felt heat rise to his face as he touched his hair absent-mindedly and asked, "Coru-what?"

"Some say his warmth gives leeway to discerning deception, but all I see is laughter in the smile he gives me."

"Oh my God, Junhoe, _no-_ "

"It's hard to think coherently the instant our eyes meet," Junhoe said just after Jiwon flicked his eyes up to look into Junhoe's and Jiwon gulped in surprise, his chest squeezing as he looked away again, "but I know my heart flourishes to become whole."

Jiwon realised that this was what people called 'the magnetic pull'. He knew his and Junhoe's faces were growing closer by the second but he didn't properly _register_ it, and clearly Junhoe didn't either because otherwise the guy would be bolting off by now.

"And he'd never comprehend how much he means to me," Junhoe whispered gingerly and Jiwon wondered why Junhoe had to be successful at being quiet _now_ of all times, "the fallen angel who indisputably makes me weak."

Jiwon's heart felt like it was caught in his throat from the words as he looked up at Junhoe, so close that the younger's fluffy bed-hair was lightly tickling his forehead. He felt like he had just been _serenaded_ in the most Junhoe way possible, with no preparation, no heads-up beforehand, just talent and love.

"Maybe poems aren't that bad," Jiwon murmured meekly before Junhoe finally kissed him, their lips falling together lazily but delicately as Jiwon's heart set on fire. And he didn't even mind that it only took Junhoe three seconds to come to his senses before he rolled off the bed and ran out of the room, because those three seconds were the definition of bliss.

Jiwon just hugged Junhoe's pillow to his chest once he was alone, muttering soft nonsense into it as he breathed in the vanilla smell, feeling so giddy and happy that it was like he was drunk. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to punch something but all he did was stay on Junhoe's bed.

"Thank you," Jiwon whispered almost silently to the boy who wasn't even there anymore, hugging the pillow tighter as his lips tingled gently. He'd probably never get over this moment for the rest of his life.

###

Jiwon collapsed onto the sofa later that day, completely wiped out mentally. He had a small online job where he fixed other people's internet or computer problems and it was part of a whole company process web thing, so it was luckily legal and legitimate. He had very limited working hours, but that also meant small pay which sucked—sure, Junhoe was generally rich and his bartending job payed like _crazy_ and Jiwon still had some money saved up from his parents, but he didn't want to end up lagging on paying rent (no matter _how_ many times Junhoe said he'd pay for him) or feel useless while Junhoe was out working. That was the only reason he had even _considered_ getting a job while he was in uni.

Or maybe it was also because he kind of didn't want to feel like Junhoe, who was freaking two years younger, was one-upping him. Just maybe.

Jiwon heard a knock on the door and he perked up, looking all around him before he slowly rolled off the sofa and even thought about doing roly-polys until he reached the front door until he realised that first off, it would hurt too much; secondly, it would be difficult and he was lazy; thirdly, it was just a stupid idea that he shouldn't have even considered.

"Coming," Jiwon sighed as he dragged himself to his feet and walked over to the door, fumbling with the lock before he finally tugged it open and gestured to the apartment without looking at who was there. He was too done for this shit. "Welcome to the Kim and Koo abode. We don't usually take kindly to strangers, we may bite but I'm sure you'll enjoy your stay. Why, you ask? We have waffles. Good waffles."

"Wow...is _this_ what I'm gonna come home to every time I forget my keys?" Junhoe asked in wonder as he walked inside and Jiwon was kickstarted into caring about his actions again, eyes wide as he stared at Junhoe. "Maybe I should do that more often."

"Oh...ah...hey."

Junhoe didn't reply, only humming a bright tune as he threw his coat somewhere and headed straight to the kitchen. Jiwon looked at him curiously, wondering why he was in such a good mood but he didn't dwell much on it as he retreated back to the sofa, letting out a sigh. His hair got in his face a little and he scrunched up his nose in annoyance, trying to push it back.

"So..." Junhoe began as he spun around the corner between the kitchen area and the living room, an already half-eaten banana in his left hand. "Sorry about, uh, running out on you earlier. I was sort of having a...what do you call it...an existential crisis?"

"It's cool," Jiwon said calmly like he totally _hadn't_ been fanboying over that kiss all day, "I don't mind."

"And I just want you to know that it absolutely, completely, utterly wasn't your—huh?" Junhoe ended dumbfoundedly, blinking at Jiwon like he had grown another head. "You don't...why...huh?"

"Maybe _I_ would've run away first if I wasn't so sleepy," Jiwon said, glaring at the lock of hair that had decided to spring back into his face. "It's kind of our thing, if you didn't know."

"We really have a lot of things."

"We do."

Junhoe looked a little ashamed all of a sudden, taking a big bite of his banana before he mumbled, "I'm sorry for not asking."

"Junhoe-"

"No but I really am and I've been stressing about it so much, especially since I didn't even stay for your reaction 'cause I'm a fucking _coward-_ "

"Baby, I kissed you back," Jiwon said softly, carefully watching the way Junhoe froze up at the rarely-used pet name. Jiwon used babe all the time (kind of) but that was in nonchalance—baby was something else, something special. "Isn't that a reaction?"

Junhoe swallowed nervously, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down and it was almost like he was about to leave until he caught sight of Jiwon moving his hair out of the way for the billionth time. "Hey, let me help you with that."

Jiwon looked at him in confusion. "With what?"

Junhoe didn't answer at all, only disappearing into the unlit kitchen area to dispose of his banana peel, wash his hands, before walking behind the couch Jiwon was sitting on. Jiwon blinked, about to turn around to face him until he felt hands touch his hair timidly and he let out a little gasp by instinct. Now the hand washing seemed like a really nice sentiment.

"Uhh, um, Junhoe...? What are you-"

"You think these things on my wrists are bracelets? Pfft," Junhoe snorted even though he sounded more than a bit anxious. "Hair bands. Well, most of them. Okay, fine, _some_ of them."

"What the—why do you have them? You've never had long hair," Jiwon said bluntly, finding it so hard to focus on anything when he had Junhoe's fingers softly raking his hair back. Why was he being so spoilt today, a poem serenade, a kiss, and now he was getting _pampered?_

"Just out of habit. I've been doing my sister's and Jinhwan-hyung's hair for years," Junhoe replied just as stoically, probably feeling instant regret for deciding to do this but he was still powering through. It wasn't long before he was tying Jiwon's hair up into a small ponytail, his hands shaking a little but he managed it. "There! Perfection."

Jiwon smiled, instantly feeling better as he shook his head from side to side. "Thanks."

Junhoe nodded. "No problem."

Jiwon rested against the sofa once more, closing his eyes and spreading his arms out in pure _freedom_ and Junhoe hovered over him simply because he could, smiling a little before he decided to go. But once he reached the left side of the sofa, a hand reached out and messily grabbed onto his arm. "Wait..."

"Wait what?"

"Sit down with me. Just for a while."

Jiwon was overjoyed when Junhoe agreed—honestly, it was ridiculous that he _still_ got so happy over things like that, but oh well. Junhoe sat down heavily, sighing in relief which Jiwon could relate to, and the younger's voice was breathy as he said, "You know what happened at work today?"

Jiwon blinked in surprise. Junhoe never talked about work. "What?"

"They brought in these crazy new flavours of drinks and adders and drinkable scents, like with everything you can imagine, cinnamon, chilli, gingerbread, _rose._ You know what I decided to make?"

Jiwon had no idea where this was going. "What?"

"A whiskey with lavender and vanilla," Junhoe replied, smiling so wide and Jiwon finally understood, "and I named it 'Awkward Perfection'."

Jiwon couldn't help himself when he pretty much pounced on Junhoe, his heart feeling warm when he (very, _very_ cautiously) pecked the younger's lips and Junhoe giggled against him, not seeming startled by it at all.

"You, Koo Junhoe, are fucking incredible."

The Koo Junhoe himself flushed a little pink but still shrugged like that was an already common known fact. And Jiwon knew that he was right.

 


	14. junhoe

Everything changed after the kiss.

Actually no, that was a lie, nothing changed but Junhoe liked to be dramatic. He liked to think that maybe Jiwon's eyes lingered on his lips every now and then, or that sometimes they'd get a little too close for comfort before realising what they were doing.

Another softer recurring thing was that Junhoe started doing Jiwon's hair a lot more. It was always in the same place, on the sofa, and Junhoe had even started getting up early on the days he didn't need to just so he could tie up Jiwon's hair for his convenience and then go back to bed again. His purple hair was so beautiful and soft and Junhoe wished he would never cut it, just so he could keep being able to do this.

"So, um, you have a sister?" Jiwon asked one of the times that Junhoe was doing his hair, early Wednesday morning when everyone was all drowsy and Junhoe could only keep one eye open at a time. "I never knew."

Junhoe's fingers paused for a moment, a brush in his mouth by the handle that stopped him from answering so he took it out. "I guess it just never came up."

"Older?"

"By three years."

"Woaaaah, monster noona alert," Jiwon teased which made Junhoe laugh even through his sleepy state. "She must have really nice hair if she got all of your treatment."

"She does, but it's not like that's because of _me._ She's got a crazy good healthcare regime, and she's suuuuuper pretty and healthy so I guess it works."

"Beauty must run in the family."

Junhoe just hummed in reply before resting his hands on Jiwon's shoulders, tapping them lightly. "All done. I got a plait in at the top and it's perfect and adorable so you can't object."

"Aww, thank you."

"'Thank you'? I thought you liked looking like you crawled out of bed or fake-designer hip-hop hell."

"Wow," Jiwon said flatly, incredibly unimpressed and Junhoe stifled a laugh. "What a description."

"You _do_ always look hot and everything but, I'm just making an observation."

"Well, you soften me up so much that I can't always look like a baddie, can I?" Jiwon said, reaching behind him to tug on one of Junhoe's hands before resting a kiss on the knuckles and Junhoe's eyes grew wide as he quickly pulled his hand back like he had been electrocuted. He couldn't even bring himself to apologise this time around, only able to stare at his hand which was slowly turning red where Jiwon had kissed it.

"Oh gosh, I really gotta go," Jiwon realised once his phone lit up with a text from Donghyuk and he stood up so quickly that Junhoe jolted a little. He just watched the elder while he went around gathering his stuff, looking all around him frantically to check if he forget anything before letting out a sigh of relief and heading towards the door, but making a stop in front of Junhoe. "Um, uh...bye."

"Yeah, see you," Junhoe replied, giving him a small smile. Jiwon kept on lingering, slightly pushing himself up on his toes every now and then like he wanted to do something but he just left in the end, muttering another goodbye before he was out of the door and Junhoe was alone. He messed with his hair a little, absent-mindedly checking how he looked in a glass photo frame even though he was just gonna go back to sleep but then he got an idea.

 _People in a relationship send each other those weird, cute messages, right?_ Junhoe wondered as he got out his phone, staring at it for a moment. _Jiwon-hyung would probably appreciate it...so maybe I should do it once. Just once, then never again, just to see what it's like._

He opened up his message chat with Jiwon, almost laughing at how _little_ they had ever texted. Granted, they had only got each other's numbers two months ago and it started off with mostly Jiwon texting Junhoe greetings and getting no reply, and then it just turned into asking who'd get the groceries or when the rent was due. They probably texted, what, three messages every two weeks?

Junhoe hovered his fingers over the keyboard, thinking before he started writing 'sup hyung how's life-'

_No, you're not trying to start a conversation, he's going to classes!_

"Oh, right, right," Junhoe mumbled, deleting all of it. He thought a bit more, and he wondering how on earth couples did this. Maybe he could call Yunhyeong for help except he hadn't been planning to go into _that_ much effort over this. Maybe he needed to, though.

'be happy, don't let anything get you down!' _No, Junhoe, you're not a cheesy motivational mascot._

'hey hyung go be awesomeee' _Cute, but too much. You're not that sweet...are you?_

'i'm rooting for you!' _Rooting for what, for him to not fall asleep in class?_

'hey. stay cool' _Ooh, that's a little cold even for you._

Junhoe sighed, a little annoyed at his brain for the moment so he just decided to stop thinking and type something off the top of his head, something very simple and he _knew_ it probably wasn't good enough but he had already sent it, and he let out the breath he didn't know he was holding once he saw it go through.

That was so, so much more stressful than it should've been and Junhoe never wanted to go through it again.

**you**   
_hey, hyung? have a nice day. love you_

Junhoe didn't dare let himself be agonised by staring at his phone until he got a reply, so he just put it down and decided to distract himself by a shower. He was far too jittery to sleep now which was decidedly his own fault, but he _did_ actually start forgetting about it bit by bit after an hour or so...until he heard a loud ping from the living room and yelled a loud curse in reply, tripping over the jeans that he was trying to get his legs into.

"Ugh...freaking hell, hyung, why _now_..."

He made his way out of his room a few minutes later, tugging on his shirt sleeves before he swooped on his phone and saw that he had two messages from the same, expected person.

**bobab**   
_!!!!!!!!! im so sorry i kept my phone on silent and i just saw this but oh my goD I WISH I KEPT THE SOUND ON THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY ASJKZN_

The next message was just a loud mixture of heart emojis and Junhoe bit his lip, his chest filling with fuzzy laughter and affection because only _Jiwon_ could have such an explosive reaction to such a (arguably) non-explosive message. It was so overwhelming that it was difficult for him to get his head around it—how was he supposed to reply to what was clearly Jiwon malfunctioning?

 _ **I** did that,_ Junhoe thought and he couldn't have stopped his smile even if he tried. _**I** made him freak out and dissolve into heart emojis._

Junhoe decided not to reply, thinking that Jiwon had done enough of that for both of them, and went back to his room with a bounce in his step and a tune in his head. Over-thinking wasn't something he had to do right now, it was stupid and just so not _him_. Jiwon really unleashed a lot of sides of Junhoe he had never known about before, and maybe that's how you know that what you have is special.

When it's mysterious.

When it's scary.

When it's _new_.

Junhoe liked old, Junhoe liked comfortable. But he loved Jiwon, and even if things didn't go his way or if everything seemed unfamiliar, he knew that one day he'd get so used to it that it would all come to him, them, easily. He wasn't planning to let go of Jiwon for a long time.

###

"HIT ME!" Jinhwan yelled, waving his arms in the air but he pushed Hanbin to the floor the instant the younger ran over to try and kiss him. " _Idiot_ , I meant with the ball!"

"I've been trying to kiss you for ten years, why won't you let me?!" Hanbin yelled back, pettily throwing the ball right into Jinhwan's stomach which made the elder groan and keel over in defeat. "I get so close, hyung, _so close-_ "

"We _have_ kissed before, you flipping demon-"

"It's true," Yunhyeong replied where he was waiting for the two to shut up and Chanwoo nodded along with him, saying, "If we're talking about in public, two years ago, spring of 2017. It was gross."

"Chanwoo, it was a peck."

"Still gross. Relationships are gross."

"Why haven't I broken up with you yet?" Yunhyeong asked in disbelief, taking his shades off and Chanwoo blinked in Sudden Realisation.

"Um...in my defence, _our_ relationship isn't gross."

"IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T!" Yunhyeong growled, running at Chanwoo who easily moved out of his reach and burst into laughter when the former fell flat on his face...before freezing when he didn't get up.

"Uh...hyung? You okay?"

Then Yunhyeong reached out and curled an arm around Chanwoo's ankle which ultimately made the latter let out the most high-pitched, un-Chanwoo like scream to have ever existed.

 _This is the majority of my friend group,_ Junhoe thought exasperatedly as he stood in the shade under the trees watching them, fiddling with his scarf, _and people judge me for being stupid sometimes when this has been my influence all my life._

The initial four had been outside playing a weird mix of catch, frisbee, and baseball, deciding to have a battle of 'established relationship vs no-one knows what the fuck is going on relationship', and Junhoe was on his way to the university's sport hall to catch Jiwon after basketball practice but he was early so he decided to just sit in and watch his friends' failure.

Both pairs made him wonder all the time, like how he wanted the way Chanwoo and Yunhyeong had incredible trust in each other, and he wanted the way Hanbin and Jinhwan were so darn comfortable together.

But wanting all of that somehow made Junhoe feel like a traitor.

"Junhoe, it's almost six," Jinhwan called out to him and Junhoe jolted out of his thoughts at the reminder, sending Jinhwan a smile.

"Thanks, hyung. Hope your...whatever this is goes well."

Hanbin tried again to kiss Jinhwan, clearly expecting to be pushed away but Jinhwan just sighed and pulled the latter in by his neck, making Hanbin's eyes widen in shock while Chanwoo bolted off yelling, "NOPE NOPE _NOPE_ , I'M NOT GONNA BE WITNESS TO THIS AGAIN, I'M DONE-"

"Bye, hyung," Junhoe said to Yunhyeong who let out a deep sigh and waved at him weakly. Junhoe smiled back amusedly before he set off again, not having to walk far to get to the sport's hall. He had made just a _tiny_ bit of a point to look hotter than usual (which was sweetly clarified by Hanbin and Jinhwan when they both ogled at him for a good minute) which meant actually trying to look good, which he usually didn't _highkey_ do. He had on black ripped jeans and a baby blue shirt with a french tuck, earrings in, fairly but still messily styled hair, light lip tint, and a grin on his face when he peeked his head through the door and saw Jiwon on the court with his teammates.

Basketball had just always been Jiwon's _thing._ Junhoe himself was okay at it but he had heard all sorts of stories from Donghyuk about how Jiwon was a lazy legend in high school, never quite bothered enough to be competitive but he still did so well on the school team. Apparently the dude only became properly hyped on the last ever match of his high school career, absolutely _obliterating_ the court and oddly enough, he got scouted. Now he was officially part of their district's basketball team, but he had turned down the chance for sports scholarships to some weird high-end schools.

It was so crazy for Junhoe to even think about, because what kind of normal teenager got those opportunities? It sounded like some kind of darn film, but he wouldn't have known anything about it if it wasn't for Hanbin or Donghyuk. Jiwon hadn't and wouldn't tell him a single thing about basketball which _sucked;_ Junhoe would love to be that supportive boyfriend who ate a ton of junk food while cheering like crazy or yelling at the ref for every little thing, and then he'd kiss Jiwon breathless at the end of every victorious game. There was literally no better way to spend an evening.

Not that he _actually_ wanted to spend evenings doing that. It was just a thought. Obviously.

"Woah, hey, Junhoe," a familiar voice said and Junhoe spun around to see Donghyuk staring at him with wide eyes. "What the heck are you doing here looking like _that?_ Have you never got the memo that exercise kinda, makes you _sweat_ and stuff?"

"I'm not here to exercise, Dong," Junhoe snorted and Donghyuk 'ohhh'ed. "How'd practice go?"

"Good, just like usual- wait, are you here to pick someone up for a date?!" Donghyuk gasped too loudly and Junhoe blinked, wondering how the hell he had figured that out so quickly.

"Dude, shush-"

"Okay, tell me, which one is it? Is it Mark on goalkeep or Hyunjin on shoot, they're both good-looking enough for you I'd say," Donghyuk scrutinised, narrowing his eyes at the still-playing guys and Junhoe stared at him like he was actually mad.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Oh come on, I know you. You don't date bad-looking or even average-looking people."

"I've only ever dated _three_ people-"

"Who could all have been literal models, two of them actually _are_ now, do you see my point?" Donghyuk said with a raised eyebrow and Junhoe couldn't exactly fight with him on that.

"It's not like that's my fault, it's just a coincidence."

"Hot people are attracted to hot people, my guy."

"Everyone's attracted to hot people! Unless they're not... _most_ people are attracted to hot people!"

Donghyuk rolled his eyes, patting Junhoe on the back before disappearing into the changing rooms. Junhoe was about to stick his tongue out at his retreating back before in the corner of his eye, he noticed that Jiwon had finally caught sight of him and was staring so much that the ball hit him in the face.

" _OUCH-_ "

"DUDE, WHY WEREN'T YOU LOOKING?"

"CAN YOU FUCKING APOLOGISE BEFORE YOU PATRONISE?!"

"CALM YOUR TITS, WHAT THE HELL-"

" _YOU_ CALM _YOUR_ TITS-"

Junhoe had no idea how to react, a hand over his mouth to badly stifle laughter (he felt bad for finding it funny, he really did) as he looked at Jiwon who looked more ready for a screaming match than in pain. But then Jiwon cast his eyes on Junhoe again and ditched his team, jogging over to the younger who brought his hand down to give him a smile.

"Junhoe...Junhoe, oh my God, hi, what are you doing here, did I say hi already?" Jiwon said breathlessly, sounding both awed and confused at once as he came to a stop right in front of the younger. "Why are you, uh...h-hi."

"Are you okay, do you have a concussion or anything? I'm really really really sorry," Junhoe said worriedly, leaning forward to pad against the red of Jiwon's face softly with his bunched up scarf but then Jiwon just turned even more red, shaking his head lightly as he took a small step back.

"I'm fine, it happens, you just...you look so pretty," Jiwon said dumbly, staring at Junhoe a little more before he realised where he might have gone wrong. "I-I mean, you always look pretty but you're all dressed _up_ and you're so _gorgeous_ , I can't-"

"Yeah, I think you got hit harder than you think," Junhoe said blankly, trying to hide his shyness but Jiwon quickly shook his head.

"No, see! I'm fine. But why are you here, you're never here." Then Jiwon frowned a little as he said disappointedly, "Wait...you're not here for me, are you?"

Junhoe stared at Jiwon in amazement. "You're kidding. Why would I come at the exact time you're finishing up practice? Who else would I dress up for? Oh ha yeah, I'm so totally here for an evening spin class."

Jiwon's eyes sparkled a little, his lips stretching into a smile and Junhoe felt like he had won the lottery. "You're so great."

"I know," Junhoe replied smugly before he hesitated, thinking deep for a short moment until he said carefully, "Do, um, your teammates know...are you out to your team?"

"Yeah, it was the first thing I ever said to them to see how they'd treat me," Jiwon said like it was nothing but Junhoe's respect for him suddenly went through the roof, and he already had a _lot_ for the guy in the first place.

"Alright...alright, that's good," Junhoe agreed weakly, nodding as he rocked back and forth on his heels and thought about what he was going to do next. He had been thinking about confronting Jiwon here for hours and he wanted to be all cheesy and sweet and in his head it had all happened so _easily_...why was it so difficult now?

"Why'd you ask that?" Jiwon asked softly, probably only having lowered his voice because Junhoe looked so lost. "Any reason?"

"Yeah, uh...just so I could..." Then Junhoe went for it, swinging his scarf behind Jiwon and tugging on it to pull the elder closer. His heart almost came up his throat when Jiwon's chest bumped lightly into his, and the elder looked so confused and stressed out but his hands still found purchase settling on Junhoe's hips cautiously. "...do that."

Jiwon was trying very hard to speak but he kept on cutting his words off too early, just deciding to shut up when he looked up, raking his eyes over Junhoe's face and holding his breath to the point that it got painful.

"When you're done with practice," Junhoe murmured unevenly, almost losing his mind when Jiwon's thumbs started to stroke his hips absent-mindedly, "there's this new diner that opened up, i-it's just on the high street and I was wondering if we could get dinner there. It's small but the food's apparently incredible, we could get take-out then walk to the riverba-"

"Of course. Absolutely. Totally," Jiwon blurted out as fast as he could and Junhoe lit up in happiness, feeling so relieved that he wanted to melt into the ground, in a _good_ way. He was so happy that once again, he didn't think as he wrapped the ends of the scarf around his wrists and brought his hands up to clasp Jiwon's face, bringing it nearer to him before he pressed their lips together. Jiwon hummed happily, wrapping his arms completely around Junhoe's waist to pull him closer as he parted their lips tenderly.

"OI, no PDA here, you _ninnies,_ " someone seethed from beside them and they quickly tore apart, both dizzied and dumbfounded. Junhoe's face was burning harshly as he quickly let go of Jiwon's face but Jiwon wouldn't let go of him, almost holding him even _closer_ as he looked to the side and glared at the intruder.

"Seo, get over yourself."

"Why are you turning this on _me?!"_

"If you had a boy this beautiful dating you, you'd want to kiss him every second of the day so shut up," Jiwon grumbled before he looked back at Junhoe with softness in his eyes, kissing the younger's nose gently and Junhoe was now both red and warm from head to toe. "I'm gonna go shower, I stink, right?"

"Yeah, kinda," Junhoe mumbled, still not in the right state of mind to form long sentences but it got a laugh out of Jiwon.

"I'm so happy right now that I don't even care," Jiwon sighed elatedly, looking like he was off in dream world and Junhoe grinned a little because _this_ was something he was used to.

"Hey, go shower. I'll still be waiting for you."

"Alright, babe," Jiwon agreed and Junhoe quickly kissed him on the cheek before the elder freed him from his cage, running off to the changing rooms with such enthusiasm that no-one would have been able to tell that it was the end of a strenuous practice. Well, _Junhoe_ started to tell when a bunch of sweaty dudes stared at him and he frowned, utterly confused as to why he was the centre of attention.

"What?"

###

_Lying down under the early winter night with the best boyfriend™: check. Maybe this is the best night never._

It was more that Jiwon was lying down on the grass while Junhoe half sat-up, looking at the moon every now and then but he mostly looked at Jiwon. The empty food cartons were discarded beside them, holding memories that would just get chucked out now but it was okay. Junhoe had a stomach to remember them by too.

Jiwon shifted a little, his eyes opening by a slit before he closed them again and rested his head against Junhoe's thigh. The younger let him, his hand hovering precariously for a moment before he caved and let it pat Jiwon's hair softly. Jiwon didn't complain though, only purring quietly for a second like a damn cat and Junhoe tried _so_ hard not to laugh.

 _Beautiful._ Jiwon was that word, he was beautiful. It was one of those words that were elegant, as if it described some sort of sophisticated quality of expression, of appearance. It wasn't a simple word no matter how much it was overused, it held the intricacy that Junhoe saw in every fine stroke of Jiwon's face, in every shadow behind Jiwon's glistening light.

It was safe to say that right now, Jiwon was glowing. Maybe it was because of the moonlight or the romance of the moment but his sun-kissed skin rivalled the darkness as if it was his job to shine when there was no light, and he had the perfect balance of rose dusting his cheeks to prove just how young and alive and _present_ he was, present on earth, present in Junhoe's heart.

"I love you, hyung," Junhoe whispered more for himself to lock away and keep inside his mind. He sealed the words by bringing Jiwon's hand to his lips and pressing a long, thought-out kiss to each finger, noticing how much they were trembling. "Lots and lots and lots."

Jiwon sneezed softly straight after and Junhoe felt his heart sigh at how adorable it was. He decided to lie down too in the end, Jiwon's hair curling against him as their foreheads nearly touched.

"Good night," Jiwon whispered but Junhoe shook his head, eyes smiling as he looked over the elder's tired form.

"No, hyung, we've gotta go home."

"You're my roommate anyway. Whenever I'm with you, I'm home," Jiwon slurred but Junhoe still understood him and a lick of fire in his veins warmed his cold body. He felt torn, honestly wanting nothing more than to sleep there but they shouldn't. They could get mugged over night, or something else just as bad.

"Jiwon-hyung," Junhoe said sweetly, shaking Jiwon lightly. "If you let us go home, I'll...uh..."

"You'll sleep with me?" Jiwon asked hopefully but Junhoe shook his head instantly.

"Maybe another time."

"Then just let me be for another five minutes," Jiwon sighed, his tone full of wistfulness and disappointment and Junhoe felt his heart twist at that. He didn't have control over his body anymore as he ran his fingers down Jiwon's side, delicate but he paused when he felt Jiwon tense up and when he looked back at the elder's face, he saw weary but wide eyes staring into his. "I'm not tired anymore. We go."

"You sure?" Junhoe asked, his other hand abandoning Jiwon's so he could brush the elder's hair out of his face.

"Yeah." Jiwon sneezed again and Junhoe felt a wave of overprotectiveness and enchantment wash over him as he draped his jacket over Jiwon.

"Let's get you somewhere warm, okay?"

"You're somewhere warm."

"No I'm not, it's cold here-"

"Shut up, you're an idiot," Jiwon grumbled quietly and Junhoe snickered under his breath even though he was a little confused. "Okay, let's go."

"Mhm."

But neither of them moved. They just looked at each other for a little longer than they should have until they realised that they were dating and it was okay to adore each other this much. And even if nothing changed or everything changed, it was difficult to imagine a life where Junhoe wouldn't love Kim Jiwon to pieces.

He didn't want to imagine it.

This right here was all he needed and all he wanted, wrapped up into one haven.

 


	15. jiwon

Jiwon never usually thought about anything that he did, he would just go ahead and do it. Thinking led to doubting himself, and Jiwon was incredibly liable to that so he'd try his best to let his actions speak instead. And he loved words, he loved how they sounded and how they communicated everything so well and how some could be so _beautiful_ , but words weren't what he was best at. He got tongue-tied incredibly easily and he couldn't weave something meaningful out of thin air like so many people seemed capable of - he was just a simpleton who appreciated these sorts of things in life, but was never the one being appreciated for them.

But it wasn't like he minded that much. It's not like he was _meant_ to make anything special, and it was good enough being able to witness it.

"Hey, babe, what's uuuuup?" Jiwon asked cheerily one morning before flopping face-first onto the couch. Yep, he was definitely not going to be a master of words anytime soon.

"I would answer but I'm not sure if you're still alive...?"

"No, no, I am!" Jiwon said quickly, latching a hand onto the backrest of the sofa to pull himself up before his head was raised enough and he was grinning dumbly at Junhoe on the other half of the couch. "Hi."

Junhoe smiled at him amusedly, closing his laptop. "Hey."

"So what _is_ up?"

"The sky. Clouds. The sun. Your hair."

"Okay, that last one got far too personal."

"I'm trying to make something for a music assignment," Junhoe sighed, looking at his laptop sadly. "I mean, it's not like I need to try too hard anyway...trying too hard makes me leave things too long, it's messed up enough that they're forcing me to make a song. If I want to I'll do it but I don't so screw it."

Jiwon's eyes widened as he propped himself up on his elbows, resting his jaw in his hands. "Do you hear yourself right now? You're a freaking natural."

"Am I? You lie."

"You're honestly fabulous."

"I'd prefer ridiculous..."

Jiwon rolled his eyes before he stretched out his limbs with a soft groan. He didn't want to bother getting up but he knew he had to, and the more he put it off, the more chance he'd just stay dead for the rest of the day. "Hey, Junhoe..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you have work today?"

"I've got work every day, hyung. Later shift today."

"What do you actually... _do?_ At work? Like, I know that you're a bartender and all and that's the coolest thing ever but what are all the things you do, like, do you need certain skills?"

"Are you, what, trying to _small-talk_ with me?" Junhoe asked in surprise, putting his laptop to the side and Jiwon instantly turned a little red at the question.

"Uhhh, u-um...what...I, _no._ Yes. Mayb—no, no I'm not, I'm just curious, is that a crime?"

"Curiosity killed the-"

"I'd literally pay you to shut up."

Junhoe grinned but fell quiet, only getting up and taking his laptop with him. Jiwon looked at him with narrowed eyes, wondering what on _earth_ had got the guy in such a good mood before he tried to get up himself, pushing himself up with his arms before he got a leg caught in a stray jumper and he leant onto one arm precariously, trying to get his leg free but then he lost his balance and rolled off of the sofa involuntarily, landing on the floor with a stifled yelp.

" _Jesus..._ "

"What happened, what fell?" Junhoe asked from wherever he went, still sounding as calm as before until he resurfaced into the living room and froze at the sight of Jiwon sprawled out on the ground. "Oh I-I meant, _who_ fell...?"

Jiwon couldn't even marvel at how adorable that was because he was smushed against the floor and his shoulder was throbbing, twisting his face into a grimace but he still managed a weakly enthusiastic, "I'm good! I'm good."

Junhoe nodded cautiously and maybe he would've actually left, Jiwon wouldn't be that surprised, but the elder let out a tiny, pained keen when he moved his arm and Junhoe was there in seconds, crouching down next to him. "Hyung, no, you're _not_ good-"

"It really doesn't hurt that much, it's just...irritating," Jiwon grumbled through gritted teeth, trying to push himself up but Junhoe wrapped an arm around his waist before he was halfway sat-up, letting the elder rest a hand on his arm for support. "I'll be fine in ten minutes, it's just one of the biggest first world problems ever, falling off a _sofa._ "

"But...the ground is hard," Junhoe said worriedly, shaking his head and Jiwon smiled at him because Junhoe was literally the most precious thing.

"You're a genius."

"No, I mean—can I get you something? I'm sure I could get you something. Anything? I could make you hot chocolate, even though you're always the one who makes it so it wouldn't seem right but still—paracetamol! No, wait, that's...the one we have is out of date, um...I could carry you to bed, like, if you can't get there yourself. Even if you can. If you want me to. I would totally do that, that's actually something I will try my very very best _not_ to mess up-"

"Hey, hey, I'm fine, I'm sorry," Jiwon said quickly, his touch light as both of his hands laid on Junhoe's arms to calm the younger down. Junhoe looked down at the hands, his ears burning pink as he flinched away from Jiwon who frowned at the reaction.

"I don't...why are you sorry?"

"You seemed so happy earlier and now, now I've just gone and ruined it-"

"No, that doesn't _matter_ , just tell me if you're hurt-"

"I'm not-"

"Stop lying-"

"Junhoe, _please._ "

Junhoe opened his mouth to argue again but Jiwon leant forward and cupped the younger's face with his hands, grinning when he felt it instantly heat up. This was one of the times where he could let actions speak instead of his stupid words and it seemed to be working, with Junhoe staring back at Jiwon with wide eyes while his free hand encircled Jiwon's left wrist loosely. That was always what Junhoe did when Jiwon did something similar to this. "Why are you worrying so much? You don't worry about most things."

"Why do you think I don't?" Junhoe croaked shortly, swallowing to clear his throat a moment later. His arm around Jiwon's waist flexed and the elder tensed, forgetting that that was there. "'Cause I don't care about them. But you, you're not 'most things'."

"Don't," Jiwon said, badly holding back a smile as he felt his hands shake, just like they hereditarily did but maybe more so. Junhoe could probably feel it for sure. "You're gonna make my heart hurt too."

"See, you _are_ hurt," Junhoe murmured, looking a little betrayed. "I'm guessing you were hurt beforehand, made this worse."

"Tch, _no_...basketball practice..."

"Thought so. I'm not blind."

"But I always feel sore after-" Jiwon paused when he saw the wide-eyed look Junhoe gave him and he slowly shook his head. "You heard nothing. I didn't say anything. Did you know you look really pretty when you blush?"

"What the hell do you _do_ whenever you go to basketball?"

"Practice! What else?!"

"By what it sounds like, you also slam yourself into the ground for fun."

"Okay but like, you do jiujitsu, right? How is that not _exactly_ what you just said? I don't get worried about you."

"Oh, real nice-"

"I don't even know when you take your lessons and you don't ever look hurt, how am I supposed to be worried?!"

"Are you saying I don't share enough with you?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"Well, neither do you. We're in the same boat, idiot, don't be a hypocrite."

Jiwon furrowed his eyebrows, his gaze slipping down as he wasn't sure how to feel. It couldn't possibly all be his fault that they didn't share much, not when he prided himself on knowing Junhoe inside-out. But the things he knew were all from observations and things he got from the others or words that Junhoe would casually throw around because it was true, they simply didn't talk much. They did, but didn't. They tried to sometimes, but they'd usually fail and maybe, maybe that was Jiwon's fault with his lack of communication skills.

"Wait, don't go silent on me, I didn't mean to-"

"No," Jiwon interrupted quietly, taking one of his hands off of Junhoe's face so he could intertwine it with his free hand. It was difficult at first since Junhoe seemed to have completely forgotten how to hold hands (to be fair, they hadn't done it in a while) but they got there in the end. Jiwon let his hand still on Junhoe's face flatten out, his thumb caressing the boy's jaw line while the other fingers just splayed out inertly across his cheek, soft and cautious. "You know, or you've _got_ to know that I'll tell you anything if you just ask. But I find it...difficult to bring things up by myself. Speaking, it's hard."

"That's okay, I get it. You know I feel the exact same way," Junhoe said with a sheepish, understanding sort of smile and Jiwon raised an eyebrow.

"No kidding."

"I'm good with words, but not always when I want to be. It's so easy to bottle up everything I feel in poems or songs...but I guess it's not right. The most romantic thing I could tell you is probably, something like, that whenever I tell you I love you, I'm reminding both of us of how you, you're my life. Or whatever. But then just give me an empty room and a notebook and I'll write pages and pages of lovey-dovey stuff that I'd never show you in a million years."

"I could literally break into your room any moment of the day."

"Pfft, yeah, I'll be worried the day I stop trusting you."

"You won't, right?" Jiwon asked softly, eyes trailing back up to meet Junhoe's and he rushed to elaborate when Junhoe looked at him in bewilderment. "You won't stop trusting me? Even though I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to speak? Even though I can't say beautiful things like you can, don't even lie, and even though your radiance is so _clearly_ wasted on my inability to write anything pretty or do anything worthwhile for you-"

"Ugh, shut _up,_ " Junhoe laughed, squeezing Jiwon's hand tightly and Jiwon's heart did a little jump in a way that probably wasn't healthy. "You haven't even told me you love me, how much do you think I expect from you?"

Jiwon felt a little sick in the stomach when Junhoe said that, but he luckily didn't have to dwell on it for long since the younger started speaking again.

"Everything you do is enough. To me, enough means...uh...you holding my hand! You calling me your boyfriend. You making me hot chocolate. You caring about my feelings. You know, the little things, and I'm gonna stop there 'cause I might just faint if I have to keep looking at you."

"Aw, am I _that_ ugly?" Jiwon teased, pulling Junhoe's face closer and the younger squeezed his eyes shut in retaliation, tilting his head away.

"No, you just have your heart eyes on again and I don't _appreciate._ " Then Junhoe peeked an eye open, risking a glance at Jiwon before quickly turning away again. "And you're also extremely the opposite of ugly. So...there's that."

"You're so adorable. I hate it. I hate it so much, and I can't even do anything about it."

"You...could," Junhoe muttered, his face shading a delicate pink as it neared Jiwon's again and the elder grinned, feeling elated at the suggestion even though he had no idea how to carry it out.

"I could?"

"You could. But, let me." And Jiwon didn't need to worry about anything as Junhoe pressed their lips together with barely any force at all, only a soft brush of skin and a subdued spark of electricity. It was probably what people would call a peck but Jiwon couldn't, not when it left him so light-headed and happy like nothing else would.

"I think I have to go now," Junhoe said sadly, pecking Jiwon's lips again, then pausing before he quickly did it another time and the elder needed to push Junhoe's head away to get him to stop because his heart couldn't handle it. "Gosh, hyung, you're so addictive...fuck, I just said that out loud, no no _nope-_ "

"Baby no, it's fine, calm _down,_ " Jiwon snickered as Junhoe pulled him into a frenzied, poorly-constructed hug (they never hugged but maybe it felt right to do in the moment) before letting go of him completely, almost failing to get onto his feet and he was out of the door quicker than Jiwon could say a farewell.

"See you...later..."

###

"Look at this carton of milk," Yunhyeong said and they all complied, apart from Hanbin who was trying to stick his straw through his apple. "There is absolutely no expiration date. This only confirms my theory that they're trying to give us poison."

"You've been drinking this milk for two years," Jiwon pointed out and Yunhyeong nodded like it was an irrelevant notion.

"Yeah, I have."

"So the fact that you're not dead yet probably means something...? But don't blame me if I'm wrong. I'm just an amateur."

"He's right, you know, on all recounts," Jinhwan chipped in and Jiwon cursed the fact that he was too far away to shove him. "You're not gonna die."

Yunhyeong frowned at the carton and Chanwoo sighed heavily, collapsing a comforting arm onto Yunhyeong's back. "Hyung, if you feel sick, I'll become superman and fly you to emergency a and e, how 'bout that?"

"Promise?"

"Sure thing-"

"Can someone just get me apple juice?!" Hanbin exploded in defeat as he threw the apple, somehow neatly, into a nearby bin and Jinhwan held onto his hand tightly to try and calm him down.

"It's okay, Bin, you're still great-"

"I'm a _failure._ Everything I do _fails._ "

"Haven't you 'done' Jinhwan-hyung?" Donghyuk asked casually and Hanbin instantly choked on air while Jinhwan flushed a deep red, looking all around him frantically before he realised that he should probably help the dying guy beside him. Jiwon burst into laughter as he raised his hand for a high five that Donghyuk gladly returned and called out, "Yeah, hyung, you failing uni yet?"

Jiwon yelped and hid behind Chanwoo when Jinhwan lunged at him in embarrassed anger. Meanwhile, Hanbin just looked very stressed and red (but at least his lungs were still in tact) as he said desperately, "I have n- _not_ done Jinhwan—and he hasn't done me either! I'm pure!"

"The fact that you're pure is the _reason_ we haven't done it," Jinhwan mumbled into his drink and Jiwon gaped at him in utter disbelief while Donghyuk rolled around laughing until his belly ached.

"You're kidding, right? Please tell me you're kidding," Hanbin asked Jinhwan frantically, shaking the elder's arm but Jinhwan just kept on sipping his drink innocently and Hanbin was at a dead end.

"Don't worry, man, expect to get further than a kiss in like five years," a familiar voice said as a just as familiar face joined them, leaning against the tree as he looked down at them all. Yet Hanbin only tilted his head back to look at him and raised his eyebrows. "Rich coming from _you._ Tell me the last time you even got a kiss, you picky miser?"

Jiwon looked at Junhoe, awaiting his answer and he felt oddly proud when Junhoe said calmly, "Much more recently than you think."

"Yeah, afraid to say this but Junhoe's still got more game than you, Bin," Yunhyeong said half-apologetically, reaching out to pat Hanbin's arm and the younger couldn't even retaliate because it was true.

"Why five years though? Like, I bet none of you guys would've found your soulmate by then, apart from the twin monsters."

Chanwoo nodded in acknowledgment as he suffocated Yunhyeong by hugging his head. Donghyuk snorted, not looking bothered by what Hanbin said at all and Jiwon wasn't quite sure how to react because he'd _totally_ already found his soulmate. And clearly Junhoe was thinking the same thing since he looked directly at Jiwon and asked, "Where _would_ we be in five years?"

"What?" Jiwon asked in surprise, digging a hand into the grass underneath him and for a moment, it was like no-one else was there. "Five years?"

"Maybe we'd have a house by then."

"With the offers!"

"With the offers. We can go on more dates 'cause no more uni."

"I've always wanted to go on a date at a farm..."

Junhoe smiled amusedly as he nodded, not noticing the others' stares at all. "I'm curious as to _why_ but, done."

"Wait, wait wait wait, you two are gonna be dating... _each other_ in five years?" Hanbin asked in confusion, looking so mind-blown and Junhoe and Jiwon both shook their heads in unison.

"Hopefully we'd be married-"

Jiwon yelled when Donghyuk punched him in the arm hard, almost making him fall backwards. "What the _hell,_ dude-"

"Junhoe, sit down, fucking sit down right now," Jinhwan growled and Junhoe blinked, sinking to the ground next to Jiwon wordlessly. "Explain. Explain what that was."

And meanwhile, Yunhyeong and Chanwoo discreetly fist-bumped behind their backs (which was actually really difficult).

"It's suddenly dawned on me what's happening," Junhoe realised, his eyes wide while Jiwon was still rubbing his arm desolately.

"Well, _nah-_ "

"You guys can't be dating."

"Don't tell us what to do," Junhoe instantly replied in defence, clutching onto the edge of Jiwon's sleeve like he was trying to be possessive and Jinhwan blinked in amazement.

"Now I'm too confused."

"Should we tell them?" Junhoe whispered and Jiwon stared at him in absolute disbelief.

"Well, we don't really have a _choice_ now, do we?!"

"I'm sorry, hyung, I-I didn't, I didn't mean to out us," Junhoe said shakily, his voice wobbling the more he spoke and Jiwon was so afraid that the boy was going to cry and he didn't know what to do. He just slowly wrapped his sleeve-covered hands around one of Junhoe's, holding it tightly.

"It's okay, it was inevitable-"

"But it's not, I feel _terrible-_ "

"Stop rhyming with me, you're fine-"

"But I just told everyone that, you're mine." Junhoe frowned, looking a little calmer and Jiwon smiled at the development, trying to catch his eye.

"See? It's not so bad."

"So you're not mad?"

"Never. Why would I be?"

"This is so...how are we supposed to get angry at them now?" Jinhwan asked with a disappointed frown at how cute the two were being, looking between them. "Guys...guys, stop for a moment, please, we're supposed to yell at you..."

"Wait, so if we get more lovey then you won't get angry?" Jiwon asked and everyone's silence answered him. He instantly leant into Junhoe's space, a silly smile spilling onto his lips and he could tell that Junhoe was trying extremely hard to neither blush nor smile. "Heeeey, it's me, your amazing boyfriend. What's up with you?"

"Hyung, they're all staring."

"I _know_ , I want them to. Isn't it great?"

"No."

"Oh, okay," Jiwon said quickly, instantly moving back which only made him bump into Donghyuk who had been analysing them from up close. "What-"

"We need to put you two into some kind of cage, like quarantine, observe how you act around each other," Hanbin said in amazement as he shook his head, as if trying to clear any illusions. "All this time, we've been leaving you alone together and _this_ is how it turned out without us?!"

"When did you start dating? When did you even start liking each other?"

"This is the best thing ever..."

"So unexpected."

"Have you guys even kissed?! How the fuck does _that_ work?!"

"You've got to have each other's numbers by now, then, right?"

"You've got to tell us everything, we're just never gonna leave you alone now-"

"Guys, shut your mouths, let them be," Chanwoo sighed as Yunhyeong hit a hyped Hanbin behind the head. "You didn't grill _us_ like this when we started."

"That's because it was so obvious from day one."

"And you're telling me the fact that Jiwon-hyung's always had the biggest goddamn crush on Junhoe _isn't?"_

Jiwon coloured dark red before instantly lunging at Chanwoo, yelling a war cry while Junhoe held him back and Chanwoo snickered in satisfaction like he was a king regarding his jester.

"I haven't always had a crush on him, I honestly haven't!"

"I distinctly remember you tripping over your feet a few times 'cause you were staring at him."

"That doesn't count. The guy is objectively fucking gorgeous."

"Not to mention how you always make sure Junhoe's okay with whatever we do without physically asking him," Jinhwan joined in, smirking a little while Jiwon transferred his glare to him.

"Don't-"

"Or how you always end up sitting with each other."

" _Stop-_ "

"Or how you used to stare at him almost 24/7."

"Or how last Christmas, you spent twenty minutes trying to find a way to hug Junhoe before you gave up-"

"And then Junhoe hugged you later on when you gave him his present and you nearly fainted."

Jinhwan and Donghyuk high-fived at their teamwork while Jiwon groaned loudly, dropping his head into his hands. "I'm ruined. I hate you all so much, I _hate..._ "

"You don't hate _me,_ right?" Junhoe asked quietly from behind him and Jiwon froze, feeling even more mortified.

"No...no but you should. Hate me, I mean."

"No way. I know you don't really like me calling you cute but fuck it, that's exactly what you are. Almost always. I don't know how long you've liked me like, like like-like but thank you. Thank you so much for liking me."

Jiwon could feel his heart breaking and fixing itself all at once, a million times over as he brought his head up and turned around to look at Junhoe, knowing that the lovehearts were probably back in his eyes since Junhoe's ears had started reddening. "You don't ever have to thank me, Junhoe. I just do it 'cause I can't help it, it's not anything that I'm forcing myself to do."

"I know," Junhoe murmured and he tugged on Jiwon's hand. "Let's go home, I'm not in the mood to deal with psycho friends."

"Whatever you want," Jiwon agreed and that was a time where he realised that he already had everything he wanted and he hadn't needed to be crazy good with words to get there. Junhoe appreciated him as he was and didn't seem to think that he wasn't enough. Even in the way they held hands on the way home, even though they didn't talk or even look at each other much, Jiwon felt so loved just by the way Junhoe would adjust their grip every now and then or run his thumb softly over Jiwon's hand, never holding on too tight but not too loose because he didn't want to let go.

"My hand's gonna literally get an imprint of yours," Jiwon said once they reached home.

"Sounds great," Junhoe answered sincerely, pressing even tighter and Jiwon elbowed him.

"You'll get one too, it'll taint your perfect ones."

"So be it." Then Junhoe leant forward and Jiwon didn't know what his line of thinking was and he was half-ready for a peck that would leave him mind-blown again but instead, Junhoe kissed the exposed part of his neck softly as if it was nothing, as if it was his place to do that and no-one could deny him of it. Jiwon let out a choked gasp and instantly collapsed back onto the floor melodramatically, leaving Junhoe to burst out laughing as he knelt down on one knee next to the elder, soft pink highlighting his face beautifully.

 

"This gives me déjà vu."

"Shut _up,_ " Jiwon groaned, kicking wildly and soon Junhoe was on the floor next to him too, whining in pain.

See? No words needed.

 


	16. flashback: junhoe

**One month ago: Christmas**

In all fairness, Junhoe appreciated Christmas. He adored the sentimental side of it, of how people found it a time of joy and celebration and congregation, all sorts of good things. It was a time where the world generally felt lighter and happier, even if it only seemed that way to Junhoe. It was simply enchanting, and it was hard not to fall into the sticky, metaphorical wonderland that Christmas concocted.

Junhoe generally loved how families would stick together and have their own traditions littered in between the conventional ones...but it had been just less than a month since his mother had died and the wound was still horribly fresh. He told his father and sister that he would stay at his apartment for Christmas because it would be far too difficult to do any of the same traditions they used to, and the others agreed with him even though they were a little sad about it. It wouldn't be the same without Junhoe's guitar anyway which he had unfortunately...obliterated on the day of the funeral.

He had to get his emotions out somehow.

"Hey, Jiwon-hyung," Junhoe said on the morning of the imploring, grand Christmas Eve but he didn't feel all that grand. His stomach was a little upset and he wasn't in the mood to do pretty much anything, so it was a good thing he had a week off from work. But he smiled a little when Jiwon instantly snapped his head up, staring at Junhoe with a look that screamed 'why are you talking to me?' with his hand suspended above the bowl of sugar-dusted strawberries next to him.

"Uh, hey."

"You're not going home for Christmas? I wouldn't mind."

"This _is_ my home."

Junhoe's heart fluttered a little and he hated it. "You know what I mean."

"Oh. No, I'm not."

Junhoe nodded as Jiwon went back to reading his newspaper. Junhoe wondered when the hell he had started doing that, and he would've teased him if he had the ability to tease Jiwon...but he apparently didn't. So he just looked at him for a little while, eyeing his newly-dyed purple hair with slight enchantment before he turned around to go back to his room, thinking that he could always eat later. But then Jiwon's hesitant voice made him freeze.

"You wanna just...talk for a while? I'm kinda bored, I guess."

"Oh," Junhoe muttered in surprise as he turned around again, staring at Jiwon for absolute confirmation that he hadn't hallucinated that but it all seemed very real. "Sure. Sure thing."

"Thank _God,_ I've never been alone on Christmas Eve," Jiwon signed in relief as Junhoe took a seat opposite him, the elder smiling at him so warmly that Junhoe could almost feel the heat seep into his skin. "Such an odd premise."

"Why didn't you go back to your family?"

"I alternate every year. One year with the biological family, one year with the adopted family. And by adopted family, I mean-" Jiwon took a strawberry and bopped Junhoe's nose with the end of it, chuckling when Junhoe felt the sugar on it and shook his head frantically to get it off. "-the guys. And it's so nice that you're here too...you and me, we're friends, right?"

Junhoe only nodded since his throat felt like it was closing up at the word 'friends'.

"Then we're family." Jiwon ate his strawberry smoothly while Junhoe stared at him with such amazement, so disbelieving as he could feel his heartbeat ringing faintly in his ears. That was probably the cutest thing anyone had said to him in a long while and he wished he knew how to reply in a way that wouldn't make him out to be a freak. "How d'you feel about spending the holidays with us for the first time?"

"I didn't even know that there was probably an... 'us'-"

"Well, you're obviously gonna be spending the days with _me_ since I'm not leaving you alone for Christmas at the least," Jiwon snorted like it was ridiculous to think different, but Junhoe could see red creeping up the elder's neck. "And so tomorrow we'll have a huge get-together with turkey and presents and love and all the messy stuff! I told them you're coming."

"Oh..."

"If you haven't got presents then it's fine-"

"No, no, I do! I was just, gonna give them _after_ Christmas but I guess if everyone's here..."

"They are."

"Alright."

Junhoe felt giddy and considerably happier than before even though his stomach felt a little worse. He knew his news about staying there was last minute but the fact that they could all accept him into this tradition straight away? It made him a little sad that he hadn't been part of it earlier but he _was_ fairly a new friend to all of them, only having known Jinhwan and Chanwoo (and Yunhyeong somewhat because of that unexpected relationship) before everyone else. So he felt much more touched that they would let him disturb their peace.

"You okay?" Jiwon asked worriedly as he pushed himself away from the counter, hopping off of his chair and Junhoe decided to nod.

"Just happy."

Jiwon looked surprised by the answer but slowly nodded, a grin spreading over his face and once again, it was like the temperature in the room had risen. Junhoe should call it the Jiwon effect, for lack of more originality. "That's good. That's great." 

"Wait!" Junhoe called out almost desperately and Jiwon furrowed his eyebrows.

"I haven't gone yet..."

"Why did you...um...your hair...?"

Jiwon looked at Junhoe with puzzled amusement and Junhoe turned a little pink. "It's been like this for a few days already."

"I know, but, I'm curious."

"I just wanted to. Why, you don't like it?" Jiwon asked desolately, deflating a little and Junhoe quickly shook his head.

"No! It's great, I lo—it looks great. On you. You look, great."

"Thank-"

"Purple's my favourite colour at the moment," Junhoe blurted out before he could think and Jiwon nodded, a smile appearing on his lips as he pushed a door open with his back and disappeared into it, saying a cryptic, "I know."

 

And Junhoe was left simmering like an idiot as he fanned himself with Jiwon's newspaper, wondering why on _Earth_ he felt so warm when the air around him was so cold. But deep down, he knew why.

###

"I wish it was snowing," Jiwon sighed as he slightly pulled up the bunny bobble hat that had fallen over his eyes. Junhoe had given it to him to try on and now Jiwon couldn't bear to part with it, paying for the darn thing while wearing it excitedly and the sales clerk had looked rather amused. It was much too big for his head size but that just made it all the more cute. "Imagine how wonderful that would be? I've never made a snow angel before."

"Seriously?"

"Have you?"

"Yeah. It's fun."

Jiwon hummed wistfully as he walked on a bit more and Junhoe had no choice but to follow him. He wasn't sure why they were outside but Jiwon had looked so hopeful when he suggested it that Junhoe didn't really know how to say anything that wasn't 'yes'. They already had a few bags in their arms but they hadn't bought much since most shops were closing up, so all they had were groceries and a few festive snacks because there was no prejudice _against_ it.

"Look," Jiwon said quietly, pointing forward and Junhoe's eyes widened when he caught sight of the massive, silver Christmas tree in the middle of the market attached to what seemed like finely spun silver lines of lights spreading out across the sky and latching onto buildings, thin and separated into sections without being lit because it was still early in the day. "It's gonna look so gorgeous tomorrow at night."

Junhoe nodded, almost breathless as he kept staring. This was the first time he had seen how Seoul did their Christmas and he loved it. "Pretty."

"Like you," Jiwon muttered under his breath, words that ran into each other but Junhoe was more than used to how Jiwon spoke so he managed to catch it. He tensed, hoping to all there was out there that he wasn't blushing and then Jiwon tapped his arm again. That was always how he got Junhoe's attention, it was cute. "You okay?"

Junhoe nodded, swallowing to ease his dry throat before he turned around to face Jiwon and the latter blinked, bewildered. "Hyung, I was, I was wondering...if...would you- no, I mean _will_ you, uh...wait-"

"D'you wanna come with me tomorrow night? Here, or near Han River? Just to, you know, see how things look like."

Junhoe's mouth went even more dry. "W-What?"

"Was, was that not what you were trying to-"

"No!" _But almost._

"Oh," Jiwon muttered, suddenly seeming so embarrassed as he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away. "Then just forget it-"

"But I would love to do that, too," Junhoe managed to get out and he felt so proud of himself when he saw the small smile appearing on Jiwon's face, even if he still had his eyes averted. "Sorry. I was just surprised."

"That's alright," Jiwon said in a considerably happier tone before he lit up even more, seeming to have had a lightbulb moment. Junhoe looked at him with a half-suppressed grin and he _knew_ that he had too much of a soft spot for Jiwon sometimes, Jinhwan had told him that even though he always denied it, but how could he not when he saw how such an incredibly complex person like him operated every day? He saw Jiwon with his messy hair and sleep-riddled face every morning, he saw Jiwon almost in tears sometimes when he phoned his mother, he saw Jiwon looking like the coolest, most hard-working person alive whenever he was working on music or doing his computing projects (on Junhoe's laptop but that didn't matter). Junhoe had absolutely no idea how computers worked, just like how he didn't know how Jiwon worked but he was unravelling it slowly, and he really liked all of the sides he kept on seeing.

He also liked being the only person who got to see all of these little things.

"I think there's a small caravan nearby selling holiday snacks? Yunhyeong was telling me about it, let's get some hot chocolate and strudel!"

"Sounds great," Junhoe replied, putting one hand in his pocket for casual purposes but he was caught off guard when Jiwon slipped his arm into the space that provided, leaving them with linked arms as he spun them around and started walking off. "Oh- it's that way? Okay."

Jiwon smiled, looking at him for only a brief moment but his eyes were warm and his cheeks dusted pink from the cold and Junhoe had to tug his scarf up higher on his own face. "Uh...Junhoe. Hey."

Junhoe blinked. "Hi?"

"I meant, what, weren't you gonna ask me something?"

Junhoe winced out of cringe and disappointment at the memory so he shook his head, wanting to put that behind them. There were times and places for everything and when it came to it, maybe everything would go badly if Junhoe exploited his vulnerability and let himself be more torn apart by rejection or getting overwhelmed by acceptance. He really wasn't in a good place to let himself...well, fall in love to put it in the bluntest way possible.

Especially when his mother wasn't there to help him with it, because she always knew what to say when it came to things like that and Junhoe would need all the advice in the world.

"I forgot."

"You can always ask me later when you remember. Maybe it was important, though I doubt it 'cause, it was to do with _me_ but...yeah."

And then suddenly Junhoe's logic got thrown out of the metaphorical window because Jiwon was _worth_ it. He was worth confusion, sentiment, awkward dates and maybe messed-up Christmases from this year onward if that became their anniversary date.

_I'll just ask him out tomorrow. Nothing can go wrong, not on Christmas day..._

### 

"JUNHOE! God's sake, wake _up,_ you absolute lump."

 _That's not Jiwon-hyung's voice,_ Junhoe thought groggily, flipping onto his stomach, _so it doesn't matter._

"I've been yelling at you for five minutes, can you _just..._ "

"Five minutes?" Junhoe slurred, raising his head slightly. "Since when?"

"Since it was Christmas, idiot!"

"Oh _yeah,_ " Junhoe realised, raising his arm up and beckoning lazily with his hand. "C'mere, hyung, happy Christmas."

"Aw, you too," Jinhwan chirped happily as he dropped onto the bed while Junhoe rolled over, wrapping an arm around the elder. "But seriously, I'm almost angry that you're not up yet. Almost."

"My sleep schedule's always messed up, I don't know how to fix it...I'm _trying_ , I swear."

"Hey, hey, I know," Jinhwan sighed, carding his fingers through Junhoe's messy hair gently and the latter felt very soothed. Jinhwan had that effect. "And it's fine, it's not even that late. It's only about nine."

"I've already missed nine hours of Christmas? _No..._ " Junhoe and Jinhwan both jolted when they heard a loud crash and they both looked at each other in curiosity. "What?"

"Ah, it's probably nothing...I hope so, anyway."

"Alright, but why are you here?"

"To pick you guys up, of course! Christmas is at mine and Bin's apartment this year," Jinhwan said as he patted Junhoe's hair down and the younger nodded without really taking anything in, resting his head on Jinhwan's chest. "Hope you like spending it with us."

"Yeah. So do I."

Jinhwan nodded, deciding not to say more as he kept on petting Junhoe with his soft touches and the younger could've probably fallen asleep again without much effort. But then his eyes flew open and he shot up, shaking his head frantically while Jinhwan was very alarmed. "Junhoe? What-"

"No, I'm sorry, I just-" Junhoe let out a loud groan as he dropped his head into his hands, the duvet rolling off of his torso and pooling in his lap. "Shit. You _know_ I have a problem with sleeping by people, God..."

Jinhwan's eyes widened and he suddenly looked so guilty as he pushed himself up with his elbows. "Oh gosh, right-"

"No, it was my fault, just forget it," Junhoe mumbled, hunching over while he breathed in and out deeply and it got a little easier when Jinhwan hugged him hesitantly from behind. Honestly, he really was the nicest friend anyone could ask for and Junhoe realised that he had really got lucky in life—an incredible family, an incredible crush, incredible friends, an incredible _best_ friend. He knew there had to be a day where it would all come crashing down around him.

"You okay?"

"Just peachy, except my breath is like off mince pies..."

"Wow, isn't that just beautiful-"

"You the only one here?"

"Not quite." The door burst open not long later and there was a grinning trio standing on the other side, a dishevelled but still great-looking Jiwon in the middle with one arm around Donghyuk's shoulders and one around Hanbin's waist—it seemed like the two were trying to hold him up a little. Junhoe felt rejuvenated by the sight of them but also a little worried.

"Did I hear you indirectly talking of the fabulous, magnificent us?"

"Shut your mouth, what happened _already?"_ Jinhwan asked slightly irritatedly, crossing his legs on the bed (which only made him look smaller) and Junhoe patted his back. Jiwon shook his head, trying to pass it off as nothing but then Donghyuk piped up, "The idiot fell off his bed when we were waking him up."

"It wasn't our fault, we tried to warn him!" Hanbin yelped the instant he saw Jinhwan raise a bottle of Junhoe's perfume to throw at the former. "Put that down, oh my God!"

"I'm fine, I can still walk and stuff," Jiwon sighed, blowing his hair out of his face because his arms were a little occupied. But Junhoe noticed him leaning to the side and his worry increased tenfold. "And you guys really didn't need to come 'cause we're not going until noon."

"Oh _hell_ no, you people are getting yourselves ready right at this moment or so help me," Jinhwan seethed, pulling Junhoe up with one arm despite his weak objections before walking to the door and pushing the other three out, making them argue fruitlessly since Jinhwan wasn't about to stop. Then he tore Jiwon's arms away from the other two and pushed both Jiwon and Junhoe into the bathroom, muttering a frightening, _"Get freshened up,"_ before he slammed the door shut on them and smiled proudly.

"Did I ever tell you you're positively beautiful when you're angry?" Hanbin said brightly, a dazed look on his face and Jinhwan rolled his eyes as he patted Hanbin's arm sympathetically and tugged on Donghyuk's.

"Come on, let's get out of here before one of them explodes out of that bathroom from awkwardness. We'll call them to come later."

Donghyuk frowned. "But I wanna see what happens-"

"Do you wanna witness Ji stressing out for hours? He'll get anxious but then Junhoe will also end up calming him down after, that's just how their relationship is."

"Wait, Junhoe? _Calming_ someone?"

"Not on purpose, he'll just smile and Jiwon will go all sunshine and rainbows."

"Wait, seriously?" Junhoe asked from behind the bathroom door, eyes wide as he was listening in and he looked at Jiwon who was bristling irately in silence, fists clenched before he shoved the door open and bolted at Jinhwan who yelped, instantly scrabbling to run away.

"COME BACK HERE, MIDGET!"

"I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE _LISTENING-_ "

"YOU WERE RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR, YOU MOTHERFUCKER, HOW COULD WE _NOT-_ "

"JESUS, CALM DOWN, I BARELY SAID ANYTHING!"

"Merry Christmas," Junhoe said to Hanbin and Donghyuk and the latter said it back with a big smile while Hanbin was too busy sniggering to reply but Junhoe didn't really mind since the circumstances _were_ quite funny. And now he had something else to try later - smile at Jiwon, then see his reaction. Perhaps there was a chance that Jinhwan wasn't a pathological liar.

 

###

 

Jinhwan and Hanbin's apartment looked absolutely wonderful, Junhoe realised when he walked into the place. Chanwoo and Yunhyeong were hanging stuff up and had done an amazing job of it already, handmade paper snowflakes and lanterns scattered across the walls as well as strings of lights set about so prettily. Junhoe looked behind him just in time to see Jiwon brighten at the sight of it all but he couldn't marvel much since Hanbin shoved past them and ran to the kitchen, calling out, "Jinhwan-hyung, make sure all the presents go under the Christmas tree; Junhoe, Jiwon-hyung, go decorate it, the decorations are next to it in boxes; Yunhyeong-hyung, come help me; Donghyuk, replace him!"

"Got it," the majority of them replied (not in sync but close), rather used to Hanbin throwing orders at them but Junhoe kept looking around in a little bit of a daze before Jiwon grabbed his arm loosely and started heading to the main area, leaving Junhoe stumbling to follow. He noticed that Jiwon was still limping a little.

"We should probably do it quickly, but let's take our time."

"Yeah. I love a pretty tree."

"Me too."

And that was how Junhoe ended up decorating a tree in the first time in years, the last time being in 2010 when he was in charge of their elementary one and _he_ hadn't actually done anything bad, but his classmate set the whole thing on fire and suddenly Junhoe was harbouring a fugitive. Also, his family didn't really do indoor Christmas trees, they were rich as hell so they'd just rent out an outdoor field of evergreens and have a campfire under it and sing songs, talk, cuddle for hours though Junhoe's dad didn't participate in the last one a lot. His hugs were just like he was a confused but sweet bear collapsing on you.

Gosh, this was the first year Junhoe wasn't going to be doing that. Now all he wanted to do was wrap himself up in tinsel and cry.

"Alright, I can do this," Junhoe whispered to himself as he reached up, in the process of putting the star on top of the tree. But then he looked down and frowned when he saw Jiwon holding his arms out to the air, eyes narrowed before he tilted his head to the side like he was thinking about where to go next. Junhoe regarded him with curiosity before he remembered to place the star on top and then jumped off of the box he was standing on. "Jiwon-hyung..."

He heard a little squeak from the other side of the tree before a loud, much more manly cough and then Jiwon was peeking outwards to look at Junhoe. "Yeah?"

"You okay? You've been acting strange today," Junhoe said as he stuck a few more baubles to the tree before changing his mind and taking two of them off. "Are you still hurt?"

"Ah...it's no big deal."

"You sure?"

"Mhm."

Jiwon seemed to have forgotten to reply and Junhoe just let it be as he picked up the purple tinsel and stared at it for a moment before he looked back at Jiwon who was much closer to Junhoe now, attaching decorations to the side of the tree. So Junhoe decided to take a chance and flung the tinsel around Jiwon's neck, eyes sparkling when Jiwon froze in surprise.

"The year I found about tinsel, I wrapped it around literally everything that was mine," Junhoe said happily as he tied the ends though he quickly tried to elaborate when saw Jiwon's breath hitch. "N-Not, not that you're mine! I'm so sorry, that was stupid wording, I just- there. You look perfectly festive now."

"Where did the urge for you to do this come from?" Jiwon asked, his voice raspier than normal as he let Junhoe steal his arm so he could twirl the tinsel up it. Junhoe only shrugged as he ignored his heart lifting at the sound of Jiwon's voice, muttering, "Your hair's also purple."

"Ah."

They were so close and it took longer than usual for Junhoe to realise it but once he did, the unrelenting butterflies that his brain had been ignoring hit him like a truck and he felt like throwing up, his playfulness dying in his stomach. But clearly, Jiwon didn't seem to feel his trauma since he laughed a little, tugging at the tinsel on his neck like a cat and Junhoe felt so goddamn smitten. "Agh, this _tickles-_ "

"IT'S GIFT TIME, PEOPLE, CHOP CHOP!"

"Gosh, does the guy have an itinerary or something?" Jiwon asked in amazement, looking in the direction of the yell while Junhoe was just so thankful for the aversion.

"Maybe but, we should go," Junhoe said a bit too flatly but he made up for it by smiling at Jiwon and that was when he saw it, he literally saw Jiwon visibly melting as his posture lifted, he turned less tense - the tone of his irises hadn't always been as soft as deliquesced milk chocolate, right? - and he absolutely beamed, all his teeth on show and Junhoe was convinced that he was brighter than the sun. 

Maybe Jinhwan _wasn't_ a liar.

And maybe there was suddenly a small possibility that Jiwon actually liked Junhoe more than the younger had ever thought.

"Hey, hyung, I was wondering..." Junhoe began, focusing on the tinsel he had attached to Jiwon's arm as he fiddled with one end. He didn't dare look at Jiwon's sunny, soft face again. "Will you- I wonder if, if maybe you'd-" But the words just wouldn't come out. No matter how hard he tried, they'd get so lodged in his throat that it was almost painful and he wished he could blame it on something tangible, like a person or just something _else._ Because this couldn't be his fault. It couldn't be his fault that he couldn't say a few simple words because no, he was _not_ a coward.

It couldn't be his fault that he fell for someone when he didn't want to.

"Never mind," Junhoe said as he saw the others start filing into the living room and Jiwon noticed them too.

"Oh, you...you don't want to say it in front of them?"

"No, it's nothing like that."

"I kinda hope you tell me soon, but at the same time I...don't?"

Junhoe frowned, so utterly confused. "Huh?"

"Just, how do I say this...you've been talking to me more recently because of it. Like, I can tell you wanna tell me something but you seem to love talking around it." Jiwon started walking off while he was talking and Junhoe followed him, feeling so _exposed._ Was he really that easy to read? "And, that's great! It's, yeah, it's great because...well, I like talking to you."

"You do?" Junhoe asked in surprise but Jiwon had wordlessly left to go sit on the sofa with Hanbin and Donghyuk, meaning that the conversation was left unfinished and Junhoe somehow felt unfinished too. How was he supposed to not when Jiwon just had to go drop that _bombshell_ and make Junhoe feel even more hopeful and fluttery? Oh, 'I like talking to you'- who the hell would just go and say that?! Junhoe wasn't pleased. This wasn't fair.

"Yah, Koo Junhoe, sit down or so help me-"

"Can you please just let me live?!"

"Uh, no?"

"Ugh..."

###

It was honestly the sweetest thing in the world to have all seven of them there, exchanging presents and hugging and slapping high fives or yelling at each other. Junhoe felt like he had been missing out on so much just by seeing it all but he was glad he was here at least once and for a quiet, discreet moment, he pressed his hands together and closed his eyes, muttering a hushed, soft 'merry Christmas, eomma'.

Junhoe knew for a fact that Hanbin and Donghyuk had probably conspired together to make sure that Junhoe and Jiwon gave each other their presents last since Hanbin was in charge of the order. And as he saw and contributed to the gifts exchange, he couldn't help but feel more and more jittery until Jinhwan patted his leg and told him to stop moving about. Junhoe nodded, feeling very small as he hugged his knees to his chest from where he was sitting on the floor.

"You've never got a present from Junhoe before, have you?" Donghyuk asked Jiwon near the end of the ritual and Junhoe narrowed his eyes at the former in suspicion while Jiwon shook his head. "Junhoe, honestly, it was his birthday a few days ago."

"I don't really give birthday presents," Junhoe mumbled, rubbing his leg awkwardly. He had been in Jeju at the time for a Geography trip but he definitely remembered texting Jiwon at midnight after hours of contemplating so everyone could suck it.

"Did you get him one now?"

"Of course."

"He barely gives them but he's honestly incredible at presents, like literally the best," Yunhyeong said proudly, smacking Junhoe's back and the younger groaned in pain. "Like did you see what he's given already? Stuff from freaking Gucci to stupid amazing sentimental stuff - I hate the guy."

"I don't know why you're telling him this..."

"Yeah, don't talk him up like that, it's embarrassing. He probably didn't get me a great one anyway," Jiwon teased, leaning back on the sofa casually while Junhoe wanted to curl up into a ball. "And keep going already! You're all boring, I wanna eat."

"It's only you two left, you know."

Junhoe's eyes widened as well as Jiwon's as they looked at each other and Junhoe managed to blurt out first, "You go."

"No, you go."

"You sure?"

"Very sure."

"But...okay."

"Wow, guys, that was the most hardcore flirting I've ever seen, how _scandalous,_ " Chanwoo gasped mockingly, pretending to faint onto Yunhyeong before cackling when Jiwon punched him in the stomach. But pretty much everyone was waiting in anticipation as Junhoe picked up the last present in front of him, biting his lip as he held it out very carefully to Jiwon without looking at him. He only let go once he felt it being tugged away from him and then he leant back, trying to look nonchalant but it was one of the hardest things in the world.

"Who on earth wrapped this? I don't even wanna open it, it's too pretty," Jiwon asked in astonishment, flipping the gift upside down and Junhoe quickly held his arms out in worry.

"Don't do that! Be...careful..."

"Ooooh, this present is gonna be _good,_ " Jinhwan stage-whispered and Junhoe elbowed him, smiling all the same when Jinhwan patted his arm to say that he didn't mean anything bad. But then he heard loud tearing as well as a shocked curse that made him both flinch and bite back a laugh.

"YOU GOT ME A- no. I'm dreaming. This isn't happening."

"Hyung, you always use mine so I just-"

"You absolute _legend,_ " Donghyuk gasped as he hugged Junhoe from behind and the elder felt a little burdened as everyone crowded around the present that Jiwon was staring at like it was the most precious, priceless, incredible thing in the world. Which it really wasn't. "Jiwon-hyung hasn't ever had his own laptop!"

"I know-"

"And it's so _beautiful,_ " Jiwon almost whispered, sounding so caught up as he ran a hand down the laptop. It really _was_ nice, Junhoe had to admit, since he had got it customised so a Winnie the Pooh was holding onto the Apple logo and in his other hand he had a toy Jiwon, with purple hair and an eyebrow piercing and all. Just like in real life, but perfectly vice versa. "Oh my God...I love it, I love it, I love it to death, I might just cry- Junhoe, in the nicest way possible, what the _fuck-_ "

"You're literally a computing major without your own device! It made me sad," Junhoe replied defensively, shying away from all the attention. He especially didn't like how Hanbin and Jinhwan were looking at him like proud parents. "This isn't a big deal. I'm glad you like it. End of."

"How expensive was it?" Yunhyeong asked curiously and Junhoe stared at him in disbelief.

"Why do you care?!"

"Ey, you're not actually gonna cry, are you?" Hanbin taunted lightly, wrapping arm around Jiwon's shoulders and poking his cheek. The elder shook his head slowly, still staring at the laptop like he wanted to admire it forever.

"Winnie...Winnie's got a toy _me_..."

Junhoe couldn't help but grin behind his conjoined hands that he was peeking through, his insides feeling so gooey because of how happy Jiwon looked. He felt accomplished, he felt like he had done right by the world and seeing Jiwon lighting up like that because of him was better than anything he could've ever asked for. He wasn't the nicest person in the world and everyone knew that so the moments where his rare acts of kindness shone meant _far_ more to him than he thought they did.

"You did great," Jinhwan sniffed from next to him, hugging him from the side and Junhoe nodded in agreement, patting the elder's head. "I'm just so proud. You two are evolving so much and I _love_ witnessing it, my heart just- I can't."

Junhoe felt a little uncomfortable now. "Okay, hyung, it's not that deep..."

But it was. It was definitely 'that deep', and incredibly so.

"SHIT!" Jiwon suddenly exploded, ignoring Hanbin's shocked hit at the amplitude of the profanity as he jumped up and ran off, leaving the laptop behind. "My present's just by the door, wait-"

"I said to put them all under the tree, you nuisance!" Jinhwan grumbled irritatedly and Jiwon nodded frantically, holding out a hand as he tried to appease the elder.

"I know, I _know,_ I'm sorry, it was just too-"

Then Jiwon disappeared behind the door and came back a moment later, holding a huge box and Junhoe's jaw dropped as he slowly rose onto his feet. "-big. Too big."

"Why do they love each other more than they love us? This just isn't fair anymore," Hanbin sighed, throwing a cushion angrily at the ground while everyone else shook their heads in disappointment at the truth. Meanwhile, Junhoe walked towards Jiwon with a heavy heart and a lump in his throat.

"Hyung, please...please tell me this isn't for me."

"Sometimes bigger doesn't mean better?" Jiwon said, sounding very uncertain of his own words but the others all made helpful noises of realisation and agreement, one of them saying 'that's very true, so true'. But Junhoe knew it, with one look at how nervous Jiwon looked and the way he was clutching onto the box so tightly, he _knew_ it was a nice present. But he also knew that Jiwon couldn't afford things easily like Junhoe could.

Yet to be fair, Jiwon had got the others sweet but inexpensive presents. Maybe Junhoe was overthinking.

"Here. Merry Christmas," Jiwon murmured, holding out the box like it was some kind of ticking time-bomb and Junhoe swallowed the lump still lodged horribly in his throat. He took the box gingerly, even bowing and Jiwon was shocked but still lowered his head too out of habit and for some reason, the encounter got Chanwoo and Donghyuk cackling to the nines while Hanbin slowly rolled off the couch in subdued, embarrassed amusement.

"Do you see them, they're like _business partners-_ "

"Shut up," Jiwon said to them with an ever so slight whine in his tone, keeping his quivering eyes on Junhoe who was doing weird things like pressing his ear to the box. "Jun—Junhoe, are you gonna...you know-"

"Wait," Junhoe mumbled with furrowed eyebrows, shaking the box very gently but he still had absolutely no idea what it was. It wasn't a regular shape, and it wasn't incredibly heavy. Maybe it was one of those tall electric fans, that would be cool. "Alright, just...maybe we should eat first."

"Be quiet and open the damn massive present that Jiwon-hyung got you with his love!" Hanbin yelled, throwing the cushion at Junhoe's head and the younger jolted, rubbing the back of it as he turned around to look at the others.

"You're all so mean...fine. Ji-"

"Just open it, before you say anything," Jiwon said almost desperately and Junhoe decided to heed his words, digging his hand through the sellotape at the top before tearing the flaps open and dipping almost his whole head inside to get his look.

Then he froze. And nearly threw the box at the wall.

That would have been the second time he destroyed one of these.

"Jesus fu- flipping Christ," Junhoe muttered, refraining from swearing with that name when a very religious Jiwon was right in front of him. The others went over to them to get a look and they all gasped in discordant harmony when Junhoe set the box on the floor and pulled out a sleek, glossy guitar that faded into lighter shades of blue the further down the instrument it went. And in the corner in black, beautiful cursive was a large 'Junhoe' as well as the small subtitle _'born poet, known rockstar'_. Junhoe ran his fingers over the words as he started getting a little choked up and he had to look away for a moment. It was so breathtaking that he couldn't deal.

"You can afford a guitar but not a laptop?" Yunhyeong asked with a raised eyebrow even though he looked awed too and Jiwon shrugged a little sheepishly, fiddling with one of his watches.

"Well, I can't afford _both_...and I'd have much rather bought this than the other."

Junhoe felt so weak. He didn't know what to do now, he didn't know how to reply or show how darn grateful he was because this was just so _incredible._ He didn't know how to react.

"I know your old one somehow got ruined," Jiwon started babbling while Junhoe was still buffering, "and I've been saving up bits of money all my life and there's not a lot but I've never known what to use it for so this was a perfect thing, since it wasn't a waste. I've, um, still got a little left over too!"

"I can't accept it," Junhoe said quietly, eyes still wide and Jiwon looked at him like he was crazy.

"Uh, sure you can?"

"Hyung, seriously, I could've always bought my own, you really really didn't need to-"

"I know you could've bought your own but _no_ , _I_ wanted to buy one for you and I'm so proud of it so please just take it."

Junhoe shook his head, feeling so defeated and lost as he handed the guitar over to Hanbin. Then he swallowed slowly, sucking in a deep, shaky breath before he pushed the box to the side and didn't let himself be hesitant, only pulling Jiwon into a tight hug that had his heart hammering against his chest painfully. Jiwon stiffened in his arms while the others weren't helping at all, letting out dramatic gasps or wolf whistles and someone muttered, "Fucking _finally_..."

Junhoe would be at an absolute loss if Jiwon didn't hug back, with his pride and heart hurt forever. But he melted when Jiwon hooked his chin over Junhoe's shoulder and wrapped his arms loosely around his back, his touch quietly tender. Junhoe felt like the world had turned into candyfloss and he was holding the fluffiest of them all, the one that made _him_ feel all fluffy too until all that was left of him was a bag of spun sugar.

"Thank you," they both whispered in unison before freezing but Junhoe was the first one to get back to normal, laughing gently. But then Jiwon frantically pulled back and looked so red and distressed that Junhoe was worried that he was dying.

"Are you-"

"I gotta...I gotta...bye," Jiwon squeaked before he instantly rushed out of the room and Junhoe stared after him in worried, slightly hurt confusion. Was he that bad of a hugger? Did Jiwon find it that weird to engage in any sort of contact with him? Did Jiwon just _hate_ him?!

But later on while he was seated and getting ready to eat, he felt someone squeeze his shoulders softly and he turned around only to see Jiwon pulling out the seat next to him so he could sit down. He looked nonchalant, but the pink tint in his cheeks said otherwise and Junhoe couldn't have ever held back his smile.

###

Here they were, on the most date-like non-date ever as they walked down the Han River, marvelling at the way the heart of Seoul looked as they moved together but quietly. Their hands had brushed against each other's so much that they had to shove them in their pockets in the end.

But this time around, Junhoe was ready. He had the words on the tip of his tongue and he wasn't going to let them leave the place until he said them because he _could_ do this. Jiwon's answer was a choice, but Junhoe needed to do this for himself. 

"So many couples," Jiwon sighed as he looked around where they were and Junhoe nodded, following his line of sight as his ears started turning a little pink at having to discuss this with _Jiwon_ of all people. Though maybe it would be a good starter for what he wanted to ask.

"Yeah. They make me feel lonely."

"You want to date?"

"Don't most people?" Junhoe asked, caught a little off guard by Jiwon's tone that he couldn't read. It reminded him of sad, but it wasn't quite sad.

"I guess...but _I_ don't," Jiwon murmured and Junhoe's whole world stopped moving. "It doesn't really ever go well for me. I guess I'm just built for the single life. The idea of romance and love is so sweet and nice but what's the point when it just leaves you in tears, you know, it's stupid."

 _I wouldn't ever leave you in tears,_ Junhoe thought as he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, feeling another overwhelming urge to vomit as his stomach did a horrible turn. Or maybe this was what being heartbroken felt like, because Junhoe sure felt depressed and wretched.

Why didn't he ever know this? Why was this the _one_ thing he didn't know about Jiwon, that he didn't want to date?

And Junhoe couldn't help but think that he probably wasn't enough to change Jiwon's mind.

He was so desolately caught up in his feelings that he didn't notice Jiwon gasp from next to him before he tapped Junhoe's arm insistently. "Junhoe, Junhoe-yah, look up..."

And Junhoe did, getting ready for a fake smile because no cool Christmas decoration could make him happy. But then he saw what it was and his lips parted a little in shock, his mind completely blank as he looked back at Jiwon who was trying to hide in his hoodie but the surprised embarrassment in his face and the colour of his ears were _very_ prominent.

_Mistletoe. What are the fucking odds?_

"You—you know, we, you know we don't-" Jiwon tried saying, tripping over his words like it was a darn talent and _that_ was what made Junhoe blush as he nodded, saying louder than he should've, "I know we don't have to!"

"Alri—good! Good."

Junhoe was silent as Jiwon coughed and pulled his hoodie down, shaking his head like it was filled with things he didn't want. And then Junhoe realised something—in the end, it didn't really matter what he did because he knew Jiwon would never hate him and he knew it wouldn't impact his life horribly. He did everything on impulse so for once, maybe if he stopped thinking when it came to Jiwon too then everything would be okay, even though he could never ask Jiwon out now.

"Don't freak out," Junhoe said, both to himself and Jiwon who stared at Junhoe like he was a psychopath let loose.

"No, fuck, tell me you're not gonna-"

"I'm not gonna," Junhoe answered with a light, lopsided smile as he took one of Jiwon's shaking hands and pressed his lips gently to it, trying to ignore the way his insides turned to jelly when he met the soft skin, and then he raised the hand and pressed the back of it to Jiwon's own mouth. "Ten points to me for creativity, right?"

"Jesus Christ," Junhoe heard Jiwon say muffledly behind his hand and Junhoe tried his best not to burst out laughing at Jiwon's wide, disbelieving eyes and red nose because that would be mean. "Jesus...Jesus _Christ-_ "

"Yeah, all hail the lord and saviour, we get it," Junhoe teased, rolling his eyes as he let go of Jiwon and turned around before mouthing an 'oh my _God,_ I just did that' at the pavement. Because no, of course Junhoe wasn't feeling casual about what he had just done but he had still _done_ it.

 _I might never date the perhaps-love of my life but I can still get pretty darn close,_ Junhoe thought happily as he very nearly hurled himself into the river from all the adrenaline rushing through his veins. He only stopped himself from going all crazy because Jiwon was still standing there contemplating life, his hand still over his mouth and his purple hair getting tousled gently by the wind.

He was gorgeous. He was amazing. And even if he wasn't Junhoe's, Junhoe still loved him.

 


	17. jiwon

When it was late at night and Jiwon was incredibly sleep-deprived, it only made sense that he'd be less thoughtful than usual. Add a few cups of coffee and too-crammed information in his head and he'd completely forget about the fact that he had a boyfriend who both treasured his privacy and got incredibly angry when it came down to some things.

Jiwon had forgotten his notepad in Junhoe's room for a reason that he...didn't quite know - Junhoe had probably stolen it for paper come to think of it, but then it wouldn't quite be the case of Jiwon forgetting it and this is getting confusing - and he suddenly remembered that fact in the midst of working on a sorting algorithm. He decided it wouldn't really be of much harm if he just snuck into Junhoe's room for a moment.

It was difficult from the very beginning. Jiwon had to bite down on his fist to stop himself from knocking first.

The door was shut which made things a bit harder, but Jiwon turned the handle quietly and walked into the room. But he never _did_ get to take his notepad because the first thing he heard was quiet sniffling, and he was frozen. Did Junhoe have a cold? God, Jiwon was _begging_ that that was the only reason for the noise. "J-Junhoe...?"

The sniffling stopped immediately before a groggy, scratchy voice rasped, "Hyung, what the hell are you-"

Jiwon turned the light on against anyone's better judgement except his own and saw Junhoe wince, shying away and raising an arm to shield his eyes from the light. But Jiwon could see his face and the tear tracks on them were so clear that he had to suck in a breath, so unsure of what to do. How long had Junhoe been crying, and how long had Jiwon been so oblivious to his sadness a.k.a. the worst thing ever?

"Ugh, turn that _off,_ " Junhoe hissed, bringing his blanket up to cover his face and Jiwon shook his head in reply, still stunned.

"Junhoe, I can't-"

"Get out!" Junhoe yelped, throwing a pillow at Jiwon and the elder clumsily managed to catch it. "Why the heck did you decide to come in here? Can't I have my fucking privacy?!"

Jiwon gulped a little, backing up absent-mindedly even though he wasn't planning to leave. Junhoe was just really scary sometimes, and even though Jiwon's heart was breaking and he wanted to help, angry Junhoe was something he was terrified of. "Y-You can but-"

Junhoe glared at Jiwon so fiercely that all the words died in the latter's throat. "Go away."

"I don't wa-"

"If you don't get the fuck out right now, we're over."

Jiwon's eyes widened, his heart stuttering painfully in his chest but he still lowered his gaze, nodding complacently before he turned off the light and left the room, hugging the pillow to his chest with one arm as he slowly pulled the door closed. Then he just stood there for a while.

It sort of felt like déjà vu. Just like all those months ago, Junhoe was crying and Jiwon couldn't do anything about it. But last time, he _had_ done something in the end but now he was just failing and managed to make his boyfriend get so angry at him that he'd break them up in an instant.

Jiwon almost went back in. But he wasn't quite selfless enough to risk losing Junhoe just to follow a train of moral thought.

"Please be okay," Jiwon whispered, too quiet for Junhoe to hear him but he wishfully hoped that he _would,_ in his soul or something. But that kind of telepathy just didn't exist and all Jiwon could do was go back to work, knowing that he wouldn't be able to sleep well for the whole night.

###

The first sign of coexisting life Jiwon heard in the morning was a door being thrown open, and it made Jiwon spill a little bit of his coffee. "Darn it..."

He warily watched Junhoe as he marched through the house, no emotion on his face except slight animosity, and he seemed to be trying to get ready to go somewhere at hyper speed since he was shoving an arm through his coat while still buttoning up his shirt. Jiwon would find it hilarious if he wasn't so worried.

"Where are you going?"

"To a class. And I'm going to go buy a lock," Junhoe snapped, tone harsh and Jiwon winced though he felt more confused than hurt.

"A lock? Why-"

"Do you think I want anyone barging into my room again when I don't want them to?"

Jiwon frowned, slightly bitter as he got up on his feet. "I didn't 'barge', I just needed to-"

"It's _my_ room, _you_ didn't need to do anything in it-"

"Jesus, Junhoe, can you shut up for a moment and just-"

"Oh wow, you're really not trying to make things better, are you?" Junhoe called out condescendingly from behind his shoulder as he headed towards the door and Jiwon balled his hands into fists in irritation, following the former with all the intent to jab at him.

"I don't know why you're being such a jerk."

"I'm always a jerk. Good for you that you've finally realised."

"Uh well, I don't date jerks-"

"Then don't date me, I'm not forcing you!"

"That's not what I mean, idiot, just let me finish-"

"'Letting you finish' isn't appealing to me right now, actually, there's nothing you can say that I'll listen to. I'm leaving."

"Ugh, you're so _annoying,_ I don't even know what I did wrong!"

Junhoe whirled on Jiwon and the elder froze, his fury shrivelling up a little when he saw the fire in Junhoe's darkened eyes. Jiwon gulped, wanting to do nothing more than wrap the younger up into a hug to calm him down but he was scared he would get killed if he tried because a furious Junhoe was walking forwards, making Jiwon subconsciously hold his hands up in half-surrender as he backed up, almost tripping over his feet too many times.

"What you did _wrong_ is that you had the audacity to go into my room when I've drilled it into your and everyone's heads a billion times before to not come into a room when I'm in bed. That's all I did when we first moved in together, it's the only rule I have. What you did _wrong_ is that you've seen me cry twice. You've seen me weak _twice._ What you did _wrong_ is that you didn't respect my privacy. What you did _wrong_ is that instead of doing anything near apologising, you just go and push me with all your talk even though you know how easily angry I get because I can never get a hold on my emotions because I'm the absolute worst and I'm not wired like every other human being and I hate it, I've always hated it! But still, you push my buttons when I'm already flaming. Fuck you, hyung, honest to your stupid God..."

Jiwon's mouth fell open a little, and he felt terrible. It was true, he _did_ know that it didn't take a lot to get Junhoe all fired up and he also knew that it was one of Junhoe's insecurities. Whenever Junhoe would get immensely angry over something, he'd always fall into a small post-state of depression and lock himself up in his room for a while. It had happened just the day before when the toaster had started spasming, and three days before that when Junhoe accidentally poured water over his laptop.

And Jiwon had been ready to elongate Junhoe's anger just so he could feel some justice. _Why have I been acting so selfish recently?_

So Jiwon swallowed down his own stupid pride and reached out to rest both of his hands on either side of Junhoe's neck, holding on even though Junhoe flinched and Jiwon could literally feel the red-hot rage burning underneath his palms. He locked his eyes with Junhoe's, still terrified of how dark they were but he managed. "Junhoe, calm down, I'm begging you. I know you get angry but you've never got this angry especially at _me_ and it's so scary, please, I don't know how to deal with it."

Jiwon saw it, he saw how Junhoe's eyes cleared and he visibly softened as the atmosphere started evening out and a spark of guilt flashed through his expression. It didn't stay long, but it was enough for Jiwon to know there was hope even when Junhoe didn't speak for a while. Jiwon just stayed there, waiting for him.

"I'm sorry," Junhoe eventually whispered brokenly, squeezing his eyes shut and Jiwon realised that Junhoe was already slipping into the post-depression stage. God, he couldn't have that.

"No, baby, no, _I'm_ sorry, I should've just knocked or left you be completely. I'm stupid. I was caffeinated and half-delirious then, but even now I'm stupid. Don't be sorry for that."

"No, I just—I'm sorry for yelling at you," Junhoe explained, raising his arms so his hands could wrap around Jiwon's wrists, his touch gentle and apologetic. "And for, for getting so angry. I never want to yell at you like that. Never again."

Jiwon smiled fondly, running a thumb over the smooth skin of Junhoe's neck. "Glad to hear that. But it's okay, really."

"Y-You said it was scary, which means you were scared of _me,_ you were and it made me hate myself. I still do. All my life I've been losing what I love but please, don't let me lose you."

"Oh my _God,_ tell me you're kidding," Jiwon gasped melodramatically and Junhoe rolled his eyes to hide his vulnerability, looking away.

"Not quite."

"That, that was the most upsettingly adorable thing I've ever heard..."

"Yeah, like you," Junhoe said, happy at the opportunity to tease (since that was more in his comfort zone) and Jiwon humphed childishly even though he was smiling, then having to take a moment to gather his wits before saying firmly, "After you come back from work, we need to talk, okay? You have to promise me."

Junhoe grimaced, a little reluctant as he hooked a pinky with one of Jiwon's tightly. "Fine...talk about what?"

"There's a lot we could talk about. But I just wanna do something to help," Jiwon murmured, touch soft as he raised his hands and gently ran the pad of his thumbs underneath Junhoe's eyes. The younger blinked at the action and Jiwon wondered why he felt the need to be so touchy; Junhoe probably didn't appreciate it but Jiwon was beyond controlling his body. "I couldn't sleep last night, not when I knew you weren't okay."

"It's...it's not a one-time thing," Junhoe mumbled feebly and part of Jiwon's heart shattered in slow motion.

"What? No. _What?_ Shut up. Don't do this to me."

"I'll- I'll try and tell you later, I promise," Junhoe said hesitantly, dipping down a little to press an affectionate kiss to Jiwon's temple that had the elder flushing red, too red when they were this far in their relationship. Junhoe even seemed surprised at what he had done and he froze for a moment, unsure of himself before he pulled away and muttered, "I'm sorry. Again. I love you. You know I do. Please reply to me, I'm already light-headed from shouting, I could faint."

"Don't do that," Jiwon said amusedly and he felt so warm, only getting oddly warmer when Junhoe sent him a glare. Jiwon grinned and tugged on the ends of Junhoe's dishevelled scarf, wrapping it tighter around the younger's neck. "Just forget about this for now. Go live."

"I'll try."

"Or _else-_ "

"I'll try!"

"Look at us, being all domestic," Jiwon realised happily as he finished buttoning up Junhoe's half-done shirt. "We fought, we made up, we talked, now I'm sending you off for work- well, almost work. All we need now is a goodbye kiss and then we'll be a textbook relationship...?"

"No way, don't push it," Junhoe grumbled, pulling away to fix his coat on properly but he was still a little flustered and finding it difficult to completely keep his balance. Jiwon just watched him with crossed arms and a grin, waving serenely as Junhoe tried very hard to get the door open.

"You need help?"

"I'm fine-"

"You're turning the lock the wrong way."

"I knew that," Junhoe scoffed under his breath before he finally got the door open and stumbled out of it, slamming it closed just as Jiwon tried to call out, "Have a nice- day...."

That was definitely one way to start a morning.

###

**you**  
_where you be at ma homie_

**you**  
_ma babe_

**you**  
_babe in the woods_

**you**  
_pretty thing_

**you**  
_sugar sprinkles_

**you**   
_cutie pie_

**beauboyfie**  
_stop_

**you**  
_onE MORE_

**you**  
_melon puff_

**beauboyfie**  
_the fcuk_

**you**  
_now seriously where you at where you aaaaattt_

**beauboyfie**  
_I was comng_

**beauboyfie**  
_but now I'm sctuk in teg elevation_

**beauboyfie**  
_cme save plis_

 **beauboyfie**  
_*please_

**you**  
_oh yeah cause that was obviously the only typo_

**you**  
_I'm coming I'm coming but are you high?_

**beauboyfie**  
_I tpye not vry often and I have fat fnigrs ):_

**beauboyfie**  
_\+ disalbed autocorecrt lst week_

 **beauboyfie**  
_it has dnoe me wrong in the pasr..._

**you**  
_gosh it's so painfully obvious that you're a late 90s kid_

**beauboyfie**  
_I love you btu not bothedre to crorect my mistkars, also tiered and deriluious been hre for fifteen mins_

**you**  
_shut your nonsensical cute fingers, your saviour is outside_

**beauboyfie**  
_YYA Y_

"How many times," Jiwon grunted as he shoved the crowbar between the gap in the elevator door and pushed forwards, "have I _told_ you not to use the elevator?"

"It works sometimes."

"'Sometimes' is not a reliable word!"

"Fine...most times?"

"Now that's a plain _lie,_ don't stoop that low. I'm gonna make a fucking out of order sign myself if no-one else does."

Jiwon shoved the door to the left and with a transcendent effort, it moved completely revealing Junhoe sitting on the floor and looking incredibly sleepy, his bag beside him and his phone in one hand. Jiwon sighed, setting the crowbar on the ground before walking in and sitting down next to Junhoe in the half-broken elevator that the landlord kept saying would get fixed.

They didn't say anything for a while, until Junhoe said in a very small voice, "It's not _completely_ out of order, though," and Jiwon elbowed him in the side lightly, making Junhoe crack a smile.

"This right here," Junhoe said, patting the floor underneath him, "is a memory. Minus you. I've been here before, sitting in the exact same place, feeling tired and sad and lonely. But now I'm not tired and sad and lonely, I'm just tired."

"When was the last time you were here like this?"

"Two months ago or almost three now. That one night, you have to remember it. I was just sitting here all sopping wet from the storm and shivering and I was so upset that I couldn't think straight, and I wanted home and comfort but I wasn't ready to go back to our apartment. I didn't want to."

"Why not?"

"Because of you," Junhoe said, casting his eyes over to Jiwon who was trying his best to listen as carefully as he could. "The prospect of you seeing me like that was terrifying. And I knew you'd be too warm, and clueless, and nice and I couldn't deal with that, I didn't _deserve_ it. And then when I did eventually go home, you were exactly all of those things and it made me feel like shit."

"I thought you had died, you can't blame me for that," Jiwon said worriedly and Junhoe winced, muttering in a bitter tone, "What irony."

Jiwon blinked in alarm, wanting to question that but Junhoe kept speaking and Jiwon had to digress. "I never told you what happened that day, mostly because it was easier to not talk about it, to have you look after me without a reason to. Honestly, hyung, you're a saint."

"Don't."

"Oh but I will," Junhoe said with a small teasing smile, holding out a hand and Jiwon placed his in it, intertwining their fingers so it couldn't come undone. "And I'm sure you know by now what happened that day that got me all crazy emotional, and I've been crying some nights ever since. I can't help it, I can't fix it, I just remember what I've lost and the tears come and I can't stop them and I hate it—it's why I flipped out when you came into my room last night because I don't want you to see me so weak, hyung, I have pride and it just _shattered_ when I saw you look at me like you didn't know what you were looking at-"

"I don't know," Jiwon said suddenly and maybe that was a bad time to interrupt since Junhoe looked like he had more to say.

"Don't know what?"

"Why you were emotional. I still don't know."

"O-Oh," Junhoe realised, both windswept and confused. "But...how? I told Jinhwan-hyung, he told everyone else-"

"Not me. Maybe he didn't check if I was listening. But it's okay, I don't have to know to make you feel better." And well, that was more or less true yet Junhoe didn't seem to take it that well, groaning loudly as he tried to pull his hand away from Jiwon but the elder didn't dare let go, not when he could feel his heart riding on this moment.

"Stop, stop being sweet _right_ now, you're still human so just act like one and tell me that you want to know!"

"Okay, fine, if I tell you that I'm burning up with curiosity would that make you happy? Then we can leave it because I know you don't want to talk about it and then go back to the apartment and I can go make you hot chocolate."

Junhoe shook his head firmly and Jiwon inwardly sighed, exhausted already but then Junhoe slowly fell to the side to lean against Jiwon which made the elder panic for a second but Junhoe didn't do anything else, only sighing softly as he rested his head adjacent to the elder's. It was like the proper calm after a storm had finally kicked in and Jiwon closed his eyes, breathing in and out subtly as he became hyperaware of Junhoe's palm pressing insistently into his and how they were sitting in this run-down elevator with nothing but each other yet it still had a sense of magic to it. Maybe their relationship was really so mystical that it sprinkled fairy dust wherever they went.

"I wrote you a poem," Junhoe murmured, breaking the stilted silence and Jiwon's heart did a cartwheel.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I couldn't stop thinking about you today."

Jiwon glowered at Junhoe, ready to berate him and Junhoe quickly held up his hands in surrender. "I was thinking about _you,_ not about this morning! Don't worry, I've been in a great mood today. I was just thinking about everything that keeps happening just because I'm dating you, like, I'm almost finding out more about myself now than I have for the past twenty years. For one thing, I didn't know I could be as nice to a person as I am to you. I didn't know I was _this_ romantic. And I really didn't know that I had insecurities but I do, don't I?"

Jiwon felt a little saddened by the last sentence because it was true, he had never quite known either that Junhoe had any insecurities but now he could see them all laid out in front of him on thin pieces of imaginary paper that would crumble if they were touched. _'Pride'_ , one of them said. Another, _'anger'. 'Losing who I love'. 'Pessimism'. 'Hostility'. 'Cowardice'._

People always said that having two insecure people in a relationship was the way to tear it apart from the inside. But the way Jiwon saw it, they'd be able to help each other through love and support and it'd be the most cheesy, wholesome give-and-take that would probably go wrong a few times if they stayed so clueless. But they'd evolve. Even as they sat there, content with each other and physical contact, that showed that they had already evolved a little.

Jiwon grinned down at his lap, his face heating up a little.

"We should get up, I guess. That hot chocolate sounds appealing right about now."

"Soon, but..." Jiwon pulled his hand out of Junhoe's hold and leant away, just so he could reach out and rest his cold hands on Junhoe's face without it being uncomfortable. Junhoe stared back at him like a deer caught in headlights, blinking and perplexed and Jiwon's resolve faltered a little with just one look at his face. "Just, you know, I'm here. Not to judge you. Not to make fun of you. Just to be there for you and tell you you're not being weak, you're being human. Like heck, I'll cry _with_ you if you ever want me to."

"My mum would love you. So, so much," Junhoe murmured softly, completely awed and Jiwon was surprised by the random comment but it left warmth curling around his insides. He hoped Junhoe's mother would love him too, when they ended up meeting. But before he could even reply, Junhoe suddenly pulled back and turned around to rummage through his bag for some reason. Jiwon frowned, trying to peek over the younger's shoulder but then Junhoe quickly turned back around and shoved a piece of paper into Jiwon's chest, knocking a little breath out of the elder's lungs. "This- it's the poem. It doesn't rhyme, I didn't want it to. Read it, read it before you sleep or something, not now, it's not that great, it's got no poetic devices and it's technically terrible and weak and simple but, I love it, though what _you_ think is what matters."

Jiwon nodded slowly, completely unsure how to react as he crossed his arms over the poem securely. "I-I mean...don't expect to get an essay of detailed feedback or anything, you're far better at this stuff than me-"

"But your opinion is important to me. You know? Yeah. Just saying 'it's good' or 'eh' or 'it's fucking trash, you dipshit' is enough."

"I'll never say something like that, you absolute sod," Jiwon said amusedly, squishing Junhoe's face slightly when he leant forward to kiss the boy's nose, smiling gently when Junhoe squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and pink was blooming on his cheeks at an alarming rate. He was really the most beautiful thing, and Jiwon actually had this star all to himself. "I love you so, so much."

Woah. There it was, he had said it without even thinking.

Jiwon didn't know what he had been expecting - maybe for there to be a good few fireworks and explosions and floating hearts but no, there was nothing except for Junhoe letting out a pleased sigh, smiling as he leant his forehead against Jiwon's in immense relief. "You said it. You finally- I feel so loved."

"Well, duh."

"And _you,_ you're loved too," Junhoe said like it would be a crime for Jiwon to think otherwise and the elder beamed, butterflies wreaking havoc in his stomach as he tugged Junhoe into a kiss that was all messy and fluttery because they were smiling too much to make it work, but then Junhoe pressed him up against the back of the elevator and Jiwon's laughter died out. All he could do was pull Junhoe closer and kiss him deeper, feeling light-headed as he snaked his arms around Junhoe's waist.

"I love you," Junhoe whispered against him breathily and Jiwon nodded, breaking away to look at Junhoe with sparkling eyes and a fizzling smile on his darkened lips.

"I know."

###

**Aftertaste**

_It's hard to know myself with you there._

_Do you change me in a moment, or have I changed because of you?_

_Your aftertaste always lingers wherever I go,_

_Am I a mess who's obsessed, or are you just an angel?_

_You're the sun's skin and the moon's touch,_

_I'm the rain who drips sadness and desolation,_

_You love the rain, do you love me?_

_We'd make rainbows, if I let myself fall into you._

_You laugh in crystals and smile in jewels,_

_You're a spark of rare beauty in foreign light,_

_I love you knowing why but not how_

_out of eight billion and counting,_

_Why was your aftertaste the one that stuck?_

_I am the darkness but I'll always find enough light,_

_To find you just so I can adore you some more,_

_And when the shadows and the curtains fall,_

_I know you'll still be there,_

_Waiting with a bejewelled smile and a soft kiss,_

_So I can keep falling in love with your aftertaste._

**_\- Koo Junhoe, for Kim Jiwon_ **

 


	18. junhoe

_February 1st. Midnight._

A month.

It had finally been a month.

Junhoe had been quietly counting down the minutes until midnight, staring at his clock and when the minute hand finally hit twelve, he didn't realise at first. But then it dawned on him like the biggest breakthrough in the world and he fell back onto his bed, out of breath even though he hadn't moved in hours.

He didn't expect Jiwon to be awake at all, and it wasn't like he minded that. Junhoe probably wouldn't have remembered if he hadn't circled the date in about a billion different colours in his agenda (which he only owned to remember birthdays, pretty much. Apparently people got angry if you didn't know the answer to 'Do you know what day it is today?!' Ridiculous. Self-absorbed idiots, Junhoe thought, but he didn't really.).

He laid in bed for a good half hour, so still and barely even breathing before he rolled off of his bed and scrabbled to the bathroom with hastily prepared clothes—he just needed to do _something_ to contain his energy. This was a big deal. No, this wasn't a big deal. Yes it was. Of course it was. Junhoe was about to combust in a second. The only time he could try and think straight was when there was water sloshing over him, washing away any worries that he shouldn't even have. Today wasn't a worrying day, it was just one of the best days ever. Which meant pressure. Which meant stress. Which didn't usually mean 'best'. Did it?

Holy hell. Junhoe was hyperventilating. This was what freaking out felt like.

"C-Calm, calm down, everything's fine," Junhoe muttered to himself, breathing out slowly as he closed his eyes and rested a hand against the shower wall. "What's wrong with you? Chances are he won't bring it up, and you definitely won't if he doesn't. Just be happy, you...we lasted a month."

Junhoe slowly opened his eyes, the warm water becoming the second most important sensation as the fuzzy feeling in his chest grew so strong that it was like his heart was drowning in it.

It was true.

They had actually lasted past four weeks.

Thirty days. 720 hours. One month. With each other. And they were happy.

And no, Junhoe was still not calm but the stress had been replaced by joy and serenity that came the more the water hit him like a soothing pact. But he wanted to get out as quickly as possible so it didn't seem like he was wasting precious hours, making him stop the water, brush his teeth, dry off and change in seconds, the sappiest of love songs filling his head as he twirled around in the bathroom hastily but happily. He even almost tripped on some water that had got onto the tiles but he saved himself with the power of _love._ Hell yeah.

"Yeah, maybe I should go to sleep," Junhoe muttered when he realised just how delirious he sounded. But he didn't feel sleepy, and so much energy was fizzing through his veins that he pushed open the door a little too strongly and it clattered against the wall on the other side, making a certain someone on Junhoe's bed jump.

"What the- oh-"

"Hyung?" Junhoe asked confusedly and the hyung in question hummed in reply, not quite looking up. Junhoe's heart was fluttering to the max at the sight of him but he couldn't get his hopes up, not when he didn't even know _why_ he would be getting his hopes up. He had nothing to look forward to. "Why...you know what? Not even gonna question it."

"Hey to you too, babe," Jiwon deadpanned as Junhoe shook his damp hair out slightly. He frowned, wondering how long Jiwon had been awake and why the guy was suddenly sprawled out on his bed like he had given up on life. "I missed you..."

"I'm sure you did," Junhoe replied dryly, flicking his gaze to the clock before pulling his towel off of his neck and resting it...somewhere. "Because four hours is _such_ a long time. Why are you here at one am?"

"It _is_ a long time, and much longer when you're awake!" Jiwon struggled to sit up, kicking his legs out a little and Junhoe's heart warmed at the sight, before he stared at Junhoe while gesturing to the clock on the wall wildly. "I didn't get to sleep and I even had an alarm at twelve, Junhoe, an _alarm-_ "

"Why?"

"For sentiment. I thought it was sweet."

"It's stupid."

"I wanted to. It's such an important day."

"Is it though?" Junhoe asked sceptically, spraying a few squirts of perfume on and dodging the pillow Jiwon threw at him.

"And you can't ask me why I'm here at one am because then I'd have to ask you why _you're_ up at one am. I only came in 'cause the light was on. And I heard water running."

Junhoe froze, wanting to answer but he didn't know how to as he slowly placed his perfume bottle down. "I...could...not sleep. That's all."

"Alright. Sure. Then I'll just be going-"

"Don't you dare," Junhoe grumbled, jumping back onto the bed next to Jiwon and sighing in contentment, spreading his arms out. He could hear Jiwon laugh and he decided to crack one eye open to see Jiwon leaning back to hover over Junhoe a little, grinning at him. Junhoe tried so hard to stop himself from smiling back but he was too weak when it came to Jiwon looking so stupidly, beautifully joyful. It was a quiet exchange of happiness between them, and Junhoe's skin was already heating up. "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing," Jiwon denied, looking away and his voice was much quieter than it had been. Softer. "Just, about how lucky I got in life."

Junhoe winced at the cheesiness. "Oh God, don't..."

"No, but, I've thought about what it would be like to date someone who was all clingy and soft and straightforward, and well, I _have_ dated people like that before and sure, it's easy and fun and sweet in the moment but you've made me realise that easy isn't what I want. But it's not like I see you as a challenge, you're someone unexpected who took my heart at the right time. You're a knockout. You're both amazing and difficult, but I really love working this out, being with you, getting to know you. It's the highlight of my life right now."

"It hasn't even been an hour and you're already giving me a cute-ass monologue? What are you trying to achieve here?" Junhoe asked almost accusingly, feeling something in his chest constrict as he shoved a pillow into his face to hide how pink it was. Hopefully, Jiwon didn't realise.

"That was _not_ my cute-ass monologue, that's coming later," Jiwon clarified and Junhoe scoffed as he pulled down the pillow a little, just to show his eyes so he could glare at the elder, but he didn't have the heart to follow it up.

"So, what now?"

"Anything we want, I guess."

"I don't know what I want."

"Do you want me?"

"You know the answer to that question," Junhoe murmured, sitting up so he could face Jiwon head-on and he saw the elder gulp slightly when the pillow hit his chest too, sandwiched between them. The moment felt so incredibly intimate even though they weren't really touching (well, their legs were splayed over each other's but they weren't aware of it), and Junhoe felt like he could stare at Jiwon forever if life would let him. Eyes, lips, skin, all pretty, all Jiwon. If not perfection, it was still so priceless.

Junhoe hadn't really been planning to make out with anyone again for, well, ever. Maybe at a club or a bar like he had before but he obviously couldn't do that when he was in a relationship, and he didn't want to. It was one of those small things that he didn't pay much mind to because why _would_ he when he was pretty much content with any kiss he had with Jiwon? Wanting more was like wanting the whole galaxy after already taking over the world. Yet there were still times that his lips searched for more than his mind did.

"Are you gonna sleep now?" Junhoe asked hoarsely right after Jiwon leant in close to peck him on the lips, chaste and sweet, and Junhoe almost tried to kiss him again before he caught a hold of himself. It was so easy to get in over his head when kissing Jiwon was one of the most addicting things in the world.

"Probably not, but I can leave. I don't want to breach your priva-"

"You're not," Junhoe interrupted, not wanting Jiwon to spiral into more insecurity, "because I want you here."

"Jesus Christ- I don't know what's been softening you up recently but it definitely came at the right time," Jiwon murmured dreamily, heart eyes in place and Junhoe grimaced, mentally batting away his boyfriend's sappiness. Besides, the guy was an idiot because Junhoe's softener was clearly _Jiwon_ himself and there was no other explanation. Even Junhoe had admitted that to himself by now.

"It's been three weeks since I've done this, I wonder if you remember," Junhoe said sparsely, making Jiwon furrow his eyebrows and look so confused. And Junhoe could remember how he felt three weeks ago, it had been an impulse but he was still so nervous and inexperienced and embarrassed of his feelings, but now it was so much easier to just pull Jiwon into his lap and let only a light blush play on his face while it was mostly triumph and joy that filled him inside. Jiwon let out a small gasped breath when he was tugged, rendering Junhoe dizzy as he rested his head back against the wall and gave the elder a dazed smile. "This okay?"

"Ah- sure. Yeah," Jiwon replied breathlessly, in a trance as he stared at Junhoe with wide eyes before he realised that their position wasn't the most comfortable, and then it was Junhoe's turn to feel attacked as Jiwon swung his legs over the younger's waist and wound his arms around his neck, grip loose and gentle. "I don't know how this happened but I'm living for it."

"You really need to stop with your commentary," Junhoe sighed, rolling his eyes but a grin spilled uncontrollably onto his face when Jiwon tugged his head closer and crashed their lips together before hesitating a little as if to apologise for being too rough. Junhoe hummed gently to show it was okay but that was the most he could do as his resolve melted away the more Jiwon kissed him, breaking him down into helplessness. One of his hands moved up to idly play with Jiwon's hair, something nonchalant almost to distract him from the wild sparks of nervous energy rushing through his body, especially when Jiwon ran his tongue lightly across Junhoe's lower lip which made him freeze.

"Baby, open up," Jiwon whispered breathily against his lips and Junhoe wanted to reciprocate so bad but he couldn't, he just felt completely locked up. But then Jiwon surged forward, pressing their chests together and Junhoe's heartbeat stuttered as he wrapped an arm around Jiwon's waist to keep him steady and kissed him deeper, longer. He felt so fond as Jiwon broke away to laugh for a moment, clear and twinkling and Junhoe wondered if maybe _he_ had heart eyes for once as he stared at the elder.

And then they were kissing for maybe minutes, hours, no-one knows how long. It was soft and slow with neither of them taking control, just lazy late-night kisses that left traces of adoration and Jiwon's lavender scent which was the only drug Junhoe needed. Jiwon's fingers kept on walking across Junhoe's skin, up his neck, over his shoulders, along his jaw and it was hard to ignore how they made Junhoe shiver but then he'd get lost in Jiwon's soft lips kneading his again. Though when they broke apart for the billionth time, Junhoe couldn't help but become incredibly aware of Jiwon's fingertips tapping his collarbone gently.

"Happy one month," Jiwon rasped, eyes and smile bright even as he tried to catch his breath and Junhoe felt a burst of happiness go off inside him as he pulled Jiwon impossibly closer into an embrace, muttering "I love you" into the crook of his neck over and over again and Jiwon just seemed amused and concerned as he pressed a fat kiss to the side of Junhoe's head. "Hey, it's okay."

"But I need- I need you to know that I love you, because I know that I'm gonna mess up so many times in all the months we'll be together going forward and you'll question whether I love you but I do, I'll always, _always_...I'll always love you. Maybe one day I'll find it harder to say it but it'll still be there. One day you might not even want me to say it but, it'll still be there even then. Maybe I don't know _how_ to love you but at the least, I know that I _do._ "

"That was the best cute-ass monologue anyone could've ever given me," Jiwon murmured into Junhoe's hair, sounding a little choked up and Junhoe nodded as he wrapped his arms tighter around Jiwon, never wanting to let him go.

Hopefully he would never need to.

###

"Babe, look!"

Junhoe was absolutely convinced that whenever they were out shopping, the phrase 'babe, look' were the only two words in Jiwon's vocabulary.

"What now?" Junhoe replied as he tossed the cheese he was looking at back into the fridge aisle, turning around then nearly dropping his shopping basket when he saw Jiwon holding probably the biggest watermelon Junhoe had ever seen. The elder was struggling to hold it but still hugging it to his chest and grinning proudly like it was his best discovery ever while Junhoe was quite horrified.

"Can we take him home with us? Please?"

"Him...?"

"Anniversary present!"

"Hyung, I'm not ready to have you lugging that thing around like it's your kid. You've already gendered him and the minute you buy it a blanket, I swear to God, he's disowned."

Jiwon frowned, stroking the watermelon by what he had decided was now the head before walking off hopefully to put it back and Junhoe smiled a little as he picked out some milk. To be fair, they had only gone out shopping three times, the first time being with the other seven, the second time being just spontaneous with only Junhoe knowing what they were going to buy while Jiwon got kicked out for knocking over a can display, and then this was the third. Junhoe had actually been utterly sick of people at the end of a long day and he wanted to go buy groceries to wind down, but then he had to bump into Jiwon who was testing out an electric boat he had been building at the river. Like, what? Who just _made_ an electric boat, who did that?

Apparently it was only for a project but Junhoe didn't believe him. That boat was probably going to make a lot more appearances in his life from now on.

Then Jiwon ended up sticking to him like a leech and Junhoe didn't mind per se. It was their day, after all.

"I'll be outside," Junhoe heard and he turned around to see Jiwon appearing round the corner while walking casually towards the door and Junhoe frowned, quickly grabbing the right cheese and his basket before rushing to barricade Jiwon.

"What? Why are you leaving? What happened?"

"It's nothing," Jiwon said brightly, sounding a little _too_ bright and Junhoe knew that tone. Someone had made Jiwon mad. "Just complaints."

"About what? What did you do?"

"I did this," Jiwon replied in his satirically enthusiastic voice, pulling the cheese out of Junhoe's right hand before replacing it with his own hand, squeezing it gently and Junhoe flamed up a little at the abruptness. "I did this and now I'm a criminal. And I guess I should let go now before someone arrests me for being in a relationship!"

Junhoe's heart dropped to his stomach and he did let go of Jiwon, staring at the elder with sad eyes. "People complained about us holding hands earlier? But that was like half an hour ago-"

"Junhoe, I was using it as a metaphor. You know those."

"I do...no, hyung, don't leave," Junhoe said, technically begging but his voice only held sincerity. He was cranky and tired and frankly, he didn't give a fuck about anyone else so if him and Jiwon wanted to be remotely lovey or even just stick close then he _would_ do it all. It was no-one else's stupid business. "Don't let them think they're right."

"But, I don't want to make you feel- ugh, people are staring, I'm gonna go-"

"They're only staring because we're making this a scene. So just hold my hand and forget everyone else and let's buy some damn cheese already, oh my _God,_ " Junhoe grumbled, finally cracking as he grabbed Jiwon's hand and marched off to the checkout like he was going into war. He could feel Jiwon very badly trying to hold back laughter from behind him and it was so annoying because this wasn't funny and Junhoe was very, very serious about both his groceries and his relationship. If both of those things had the chance of being targeted at once, as in the case right now, he'd be ready to fight.

"Who complained?" Junhoe asked as he watched his groceries getting swiped by the checkout lady, almost burning holes into the items with his gaze and he didn't notice how amusedly terrified Jiwon looked. "Not that I care. 'Cause they're all _bastards-_ "

"Christ, Junhoe, calm down-"

"No!" Junhoe snapped and Jiwon muttered a quick apology filled with stifled laughter to the shocked checkout lady. "I'm a preacher for my rights as a human being! Now give her the cheese!"

"Okay, _okay-_ "

"Think about it. I'm confident that I love you, okay, yeah, that's all good. And it took me a while, but I'm fairly confident in our relationship too and having other people try and knock that down is gonna ruin what I tried so hard to build this past month, this entire structure filled with memories and changes and influences and love. I don't commit or fall for people easily, that's not who I am, that's not who _either_ of us are but don't you see that all of a sudden we were and are ready to do all of that, with each other? And getting this far is too much of a miracle to even dare to get knocked down by idiots who don't know better. I'm so tired of people nowadays, hyung, they all suck but you don't. You really don't, and that's why you're pretty much all I need."

"Oh my God. Cute-ass monologue number _two,_ " Jiwon squeaked in awe, a hand over his mouth and Junhoe ignored him for the time being, still all caught up in his feelings as he swept the bags of groceries and nodded to the checkout lady who looked close to tears. Wonder why.

And the instant they left the store, Jiwon stopped walking, ever so gently pushing Junhoe against a wall and his constraints were so loose, leaving Junhoe plenty of chances to move away and keep walking but he didn't take any of them. Jiwon looked sobered now, not grave but not bright, and Junhoe wondered what this was about.

"You okay, baby?"

Junhoe winced involuntarily, melting a little into the brick of the wall he was leaning on. Metaphorically, of course. He just really couldn't deal with that pet name sometimes because he had never had someone call him that before Jiwon and it made him feel so small and _cherished._ He was an angry icy tsundere giant but he was still someone's baby.

"I'm fine, yeah. Just a bit worked up. That happens more than you'd think."

"I know. You're funny sometimes when you're heated, but that doesn't mean I'm not taking you seriously. For the first time, I felt like I understood everything that was going in your head and you were completely right about everything. And I just...I...I don't know, you, you light this fire inside of me every time I see you fight for us because it shows how much you- you _care_ and you always keep confirming just how much I wanna stay with you for..."

"Forever."

"Forever. And it's terrifying to realise every day that yes, I've completely given up my heart to someone and I'm ready to give up everything else for them. And I don't even know how it happened. But you mollify the fear whenever you throw all of these so Junhoe-like torrents of affection at me. _Me._ You love me."

"I do," Junhoe followed up, feeling soft excitement fill his soul when he saw Jiwon's eyes clear when he had said the words 'you love me' because maybe, _maybe_ this was finally the moment where Jiwon accepted that Junhoe actually truly, wholly _loved_ him purely for him.

"You'll never know just how happy I am right now," Jiwon breathed out as he tilted himself forward and rested his forehead on Junhoe's shoulder, making the younger tense and pat it gently yet awkwardly. And Junhoe couldn't even tell if it was accidental or not but his eyes fluttered when Jiwon's lips brushed against the base of his neck, and flowers of happiness started blooming inside him all throughout his body until all of him was affected simply by the guy in front of him who he loved so much, the guy who had his heart.

"No, hyung, I don't. But I think I have some sort of idea."

 


	19. jiwon

It had been quite a while since Jiwon had been in a relationship, he realised. He definitely hadn't been in one during all the time that he had known Junhoe and maybe those two factors were related, but Jiwon wasn't sure. Jiwon had always liked Junhoe but he hadn't always... _liked_ him though to be fair, Jiwon had always been knocking down potential Junhoe suitors whenever they used to come along by being so overly, exaggeratedly critical that Junhoe would actually listen to him. Junhoe used to get a lot of people crushing on him, hell, he probably still _did_ but Jiwon liked to think that he scared them off now. That probably wasn't true but he could dream.

Jiwon still remembered some of them. The girls were always cut out immediately because Junhoe would vocally express just how gay he was if he had to, though sometimes girls would come having that stupid mindset of 'I can make you straight, Junhoe!' and Jiwon would have to chase them away when it got to that point. Five months ago, there was this one guy who Junhoe got on far too well with and the instant he said that he was planning to ask Junhoe out, Jiwon cornered him the next day and growled, "I'll give you a head start so run, run as _fast_ as you can." Three months ago, there was another guy who was good at making Junhoe laugh and Jiwon instantly hated him. It only added more fuel to the fire when the guy accidentally tripped Jiwon up in basketball and he whined about it to Junhoe for a whole day, saying that he was absolutely _evil_ and _horrible_ and Junhoe had shaken his head fondly, grinning. "I guess I can't really be friends with someone my roommate hates."

"I make you laugh more than he does, right? Right?!"

Junhoe rolled his eyes, biting back a snicker and Jiwon saw that as a win. "Of course you do."

There was teriyaki guy, so-called as such because Jiwon 'accidentally' poured a plate of teriyaki over him and got yet another enemy for life. There was limo guy who was clearly expecting to win Junhoe over by his wealth and all Jiwon had to do was say 'but Junhoe's richer than you' for the guy to dash. There was barista guy who according to Junhoe made 'such good hot chocolate' and Jiwon was sizzling mad because hot chocolate was _his_ _thing_ , so he went and saw for himself and sure, maybe it was sort of incredible but Jiwon knew for a _fact_ that he could do better. That led to the first time that Jiwon made Junhoe his signature hot chocolate and the amazed look on Junhoe's face when he tried it made Jiwon the happiest person in the world, especially when Junhoe asked him for one the next day which ultimately meant (in Jiwon's eyes) that barista guy was history.

The worst moment, though, was when Junhoe actually went out on a proper date, a month after Jiwon realised he liked him in 'that' way, which happened to be two months before they started dating. It was funny how things worked out like that and you wouldn't realise it, because you just didn't know.

Junhoe had been asked out by a person who had slipped under Jiwon's radar, and he had only found out when he saw Junhoe getting all dressed up. Jiwon wasn't sure whether to stare at him with heart eyes or feel heart _broken_ because he was clearly going on a date. He couldn't even do anything to object, not even giving Junhoe a goodbye as he just stalked off to his room, and then melted into his blankets sadly when he heard the front door close. But Junhoe had come back earlier than Jiwon expected.

"You okay?" Jiwon asked Junhoe who had taken a seat at the kitchen counter. Jiwon was on the other side of it, leaning over and feeling a bit jittery and nervous for some reason, only feeling a bit appeased when Junhoe smiled up at him brightly. "Ooh...should I take that as a yes?"

"I don't know. I would say no, I guess."

Jiwon blinked, having to exercise a lot of restraint so he wouldn't celebrate out loud. "Why do you look so happy then?"

"Delirium, hyung, crazy jacked up to ten."

"Jesus, I _knew_ you were rhyming with me, can you make sense and tell me what's wrong?"

Junhoe shrugged, still looking very fakely happy as he leant his face in his palms. "I can't stop instantly, my feelings are too strong."

Jiwon frowned, smelling alcohol on Junhoe's breath and he looked at the younger curiously. "Junhoe?"

"Yes."

"What did the bastard do?"

Junhoe laughed, loud and clear. "Don't call him that...he just wasn't you."

Jiwon frowned, not making sense of anything and unsure if he had even heard right. "Elaborate?"

"I can't, it's too late."

"Late in what sense?"

"I've just said too much, my heart's on the fence-"

"Are you drunk, Junhoe?"

"I'm...not quite sure. No, I am, I really am."

"Hey, come on, let's get you to bed," Jiwon said softly, patting Junhoe's arm and the younger got up obediently in his sad state, almost tripping over his feet but Jiwon stopped him just in time. "Be careful, yeah?"

"Okay," Junhoe murmured, linking his arm with one of Jiwon's for support and the elder froze for a moment which only led to Junhoe dragging him so he hurried to fall in step with the younger again, trying to snap out of his smitten mindset so he wouldn't act weird about this. It was so difficult, though, when Junhoe was pressed up close to him and looking so pretty yet desolate and Jiwon wanted to do things like stroke his hair and kiss away his worries and tell him everything was okay. Basically, Jiwon wanted to do the impossible.

"Okay, just- hey, _hey,_ gently!" Jiwon yelped when Junhoe dropped himself onto his bed with no warning and almost pulled Jiwon's arm out of its socket. "Jesus Christ-"

"Why does this keep happening, hyung? I'm so tired of feeling like a trash human being."

Jiwon's eyes widened as he decided to roll onto the bed too, muttering 'no' over and over again while letting Junhoe hug his arm tightly. He kept his distance, knowing fully well that he didn't really know _how_ to touch Junhoe anyway, and the younger didn't seem to mind.

"I'm not a good person," Junhoe sighed, trying to stuff his face into a pillow but Jiwon stopped him because he didn't want the guy to forget to not suffocate. "I'm...people think that I don't try, that I don't have emotions but that's not true. I don't want it to be true, I don't want to be a monster. An alien. I _do_ get sad when things go wrong. Sometimes I _do_ try, sometimes I try my _best_ but it's not good enough. Sometimes it's like I try at things that aren't important but they're important to _me_ and that's all that matters, right?"

"Of course. And none of that means you're not a good person."

"No, you liar, I know I'm not." Then Junhoe poked Jiwon in the chest sharply and Jiwon recoiled a little in confused alarm, resting a hand over the spot. "And you, you're so _so_ annoying because you're the epitome of a good person, you're like super nice and...just, why can't _you_ ask me out, hyung? I like you, I really like you so why can't...why do other people keep doing it when I just want you, and I would do it but I'm such a big coward so can you? Or not...'cause I'm, I'm a sad almost-drunk and I don't know what I'm saying..."

Jiwon was at a loss of words now. He didn't know what that was, if it was just a confession or something said on impulse but it was enough to make his breathing stutter and his mind spiral into a messy torrent of emotions because he didn't know what to _do._ He just stared at Junhoe, beautiful Junhoe who had just spilled his vulnerable heart out while Jiwon couldn't even say a word in response.

"Hyung," Junhoe whispered, reaching out his hands to pat all over Jiwon's head affectionately and Jiwon almost laughed through his emotional turmoil. "It's okay, hyung, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad. Don't be sad. You don't need to do anything."

"You know, Junhoe," Jiwon murmured, hesitantly resting his own hands over Junhoe's to stop their movement and he almost crumbled under Junhoe's wide-eyed, anticipating gaze. "I'm a coward too. I can't look you in the eye, I can't touch you without freaking out, I can't tell you even a _quarter_ of the things I feel. But you won't remember any of this tomorrow."

"I _will-_ "

"No you won't, love. I mean, maybe and if you do then I'm done for but - what good would it be if I ask you out now after a drunken confession, and then you wake up and you don't know we're dating and you might not even have any feelings for me at _all_ and it was just the alcohol talking? I'm terrified of you, Junhoe, I'm terrified of the power you hold over me and if that kind of thing happens then my heart will shatter."

"What if I wake up and I don't remember, but I still like you?"

"I'd never know. Sober Junhoe would never tell me, and he'll still seem as every ounce uninterested in me as he always has been."

"Sober Junhoe _sucks,_ " Junhoe grunted, ripping a hand out of Jiwon's hold to punch his own stomach but he missed, and Jiwon laughed gently as he took the hand again to save them both from any casualties. "You're great, hyung. You're the opposite of literature. You're clear and soft and you don't have a billion different sides to you, you're just _you._ And Drunk Junhoe says that all the Junhoes like you. We like you very much."

Jiwon's heart wavered as he pressed a soft kiss to Junhoe's hand, feeling happy even though he really didn't believe Junhoe. Jiwon didn't have enough faith in himself to trust the younger's words, but he still said a small, "Okay."

Junhoe nodded in satisfaction before closing his eyes, his holds on Jiwon growing loose and the elder slowly slipped off the bed, hauling the blanket over Junhoe and brushing the younger's hair away before pausing, realising that he was getting ahead of himself. So then he just decided to leave like a silent phantom as if he had never been there in the first place, but he froze when Junhoe slurred with messy pronunciation but clear sentiment, "Love you, Jiwon-hyung."

And Jiwon's heart felt tearfully full as he turned off the light and walked back to his own room, thoughts filled with Junhoe and he didn't want to empty his mind of that. Ever.

So Jiwon still never found out what actually happened on that date, mostly because he was too scared to ask and Junhoe was never going to just tell him on his own accord. And, inevitably, the day after, Junhoe had forgotten everything and Jiwon was left not surprised but disappointed because their biggest breakthrough meant nothing, in the end.

Now here they were two months later. Dating. In love. Such a 180 from how it used to be, only because Junhoe had the strength to break through the bonds of supposedly unrequited love (even sober) and Jiwon learnt to have faith in what Junhoe saw in him. Things were perfect now but they hadn't always been so maybe this would become a never-ending journey of ups-and-downs. Jiwon was thinking about all of that as he mindlessly stirred his tea, staring into space but then arms were wrapping around him from behind making him drop the spoon, his eyes widening. Junhoe's hands were cold as they pressed lightly into Jiwon's middle and the elder placed his own hands over them, wanting to warm them up.

"Hey, babe."

"You okay?" Junhoe murmured, asking a question but it didn't really sound like one as he hooked his chin over Jiwon's shoulder, his fluffy hair tickling the side of Jiwon's face. Jiwon nodded, wondering why this was happening since Junhoe had never done something like this before.

"Did you just come home?"

"Yeah."

"Freaking hell, I only just woke up..."

"Really? That's incredible," Junhoe replied, laughter in his voice and Jiwon narrowed his eyes even though Junhoe couldn't see him. "I was wondering why your hair was so messy. Or is that because you don't know how to use a hairbrush without me?"

"Oi, I have _hands,_ alright, those are enough."

"Wow, okay then."

Jiwon nodded in satisfaction, wincing as he picked his spoon out of his tea before he brought the mug to his lips, sipping quietly. Junhoe's hold grew tighter and the more time passed with his arms around the elder, the more relaxed Jiwon felt though it was sort of ruined when Junhoe pressed a soft kiss to his neck, fluttering and warm and it felt amazing but Jiwon still felt like elbowing Junhoe in the gut on impulse. He needed to work on that.

"You know," Jiwon said, his voice breathy as Junhoe hummed to show he was listening, "we went through so much before we got here. It's funny to think about, isn't it?"

"Oh...I guess. I don't think about it much, to be honest."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It just all reminds me of how things could've gone wrong, and how there were so many moments that were begging for some kind of confession but there never was one. It was borderline painful."

"Mm, tell me about it..."

"Do we live only to stay in the past?"

"Hey, the past makes up part of who we are."

"I like being in the moment."

"Yeah but- eh, alright. I get that."

"It doesn't mean I want to forget everything that's happened between us, though. Don't think of it like that or it's like I'm throwing away our relationship and I'm _not,_ I just...a lot of my memories are sad."

Jiwon frowned, patting Junhoe's hands and the younger slowly retracted his arms so Jiwon could turn around and face him, looking up at Junhoe curiously while the latter wouldn't meet his gaze. "What about the memories that are good?"

"They usually turn sad, in a way, or deeper than I want. I'm a deep thinker and I don't like it so I'd rather not think at all."

"Why?" Jiwon asked, genuinely confused. "I'd _kill_ to be able to find some kind of profound meaning about everything like you can."

"Because I like simple things, hyung, I like simple, I like clear, I like straightforward. I want to write poems which are beautiful but anyone can understand them no matter what, they can reach out to anyone. I want to say things that mean something but aren't wrapped up in some deep, obnoxious allusions that people of high standard would call incredible when it's actually just empty, hollow."

Jiwon felt so confused now, he had no idea what to think and he had no idea how things had escalated like this. But before he could say anything, Junhoe took hold of his wrist and dragged him towards his room and Jiwon had no choice to follow, burning with curiosity and worry since Junhoe didn't seem _angry_ but he seemed strange. He seemed lost.

"Sit down," Junhoe said, gesturing to his bed and Jiwon instantly did so, leaning back on his arms as he warily watched Junhoe go to his desk and gather up some books and sheets of paper frantically like he was going to combust if he wasn't about to speak soon. Jiwon wanted to calm him down but before he had a chance to figure out how, Junhoe was sitting cross-legged next to him, still looking down at his sheets and sifting through them but he started talking firmly like a man on a mission. "I major in literature. You know that."

"Yeah, I do."

"But I don't like it, hyung. Scratch that, I _hate_ it."

Jiwon would have spat out his drink if he was drinking something. "What the hell?! Since when-"

"Literature, in school classes, teaches complexities, it teaches you how to criticise and be completely objective even though the whole subject is ridiculously subjective in itself. It teaches you to delight at long, boring, winded things with pretty words and frown at things that are exciting, meaningful but not seen as literary excellence."

"Junhoe, please, I don't understand a word you're saying..."

"I'm an aristocrat," Junhoe sighed, looking so frustrated but not with Jiwon. "I grew up with a library of books just in our house. It was like literature was my path, because it was all that people would talk about at dinner parties and books are _amazing,_ poems are _amazing_ and _I_ wanted to make something amazing. So why aren't I happy right now since I'm trying to live my dream?"

Junhoe held up both of his hands, a book in his left and bound up papers in his right. Jiwon stared at them both in bridled awe, not having ever seen any of Junhoe's literature things.

"My left hand holds the stuff that I write for class. The hollow stuff filled with clever devices and artistic licence and arrogance, stuff that I get the highest marks for but I don't care for one bit because it's _worthless_." Junhoe then slammed the book onto the floor and Jiwon inhaled a sharp intake of breath, shocked. "But then here, in my right...this is the stuff that makes me happy. My poems that are simplistic, they call out one strong meaning, of love or any emotion I'm feeling right at the moment I'm writing them. It has no boundaries. But they'd get the worst marks imaginable, so why do I prefer doing this over prospering?"

"Junhoe, are you going to-"

"I'm not _done,_ " Junhoe huffed and Jiwon shut up immediately, raising his arms in surrender which got a little smile out of Junhoe. But it faded quickly as he set the papers carefully to the side before he took Jiwon's hands in his, gently, and Jiwon stared at him in amazement. Junhoe looked troubled as he bit his lip, his eyes on their hands as his thumbs stroked Jiwon's lightly. "Think about it. Literature screams high-class, it screams wit and intelligence and complexity. And while the other people in my class are either having no job at all and simply working all day and night on books, or some have classic start-up jobs like analysts for certain companies, journalists, editors, copywriters; I'm a _bartender._ And I physically _want_ to be a bartender, for now. They all drink wine but I prefer beer. I go to a university that isn't _super_ expensive to go to. I'd rather a cheap dinner that still tastes good than dining at the most elegant place Seoul could offer. And then there's you."

Jiwon gulped, already wincing as he got ready for a torrent of backlash but Junhoe pulled him a little closer by tugging back, and now their knees were touching. Jiwon looked up to meet Junhoe's gaze and instantly regretted it because the younger was really looking at him like he was the key to his idealistic world and Jiwon didn't know how to react because he hadn't done _anything_ to deserve that look.

"People I knew growing up, other aristocrats," Junhoe muttered, grimacing at the last word and Jiwon knew just how much the younger hated it. Junhoe hardly ever mentioned the word so this was special. "They get attracted to people with class."

"You know I've got absolutely none of that," Jiwon joked even though his heart felt heavy at the connotation but Junhoe grinned at him, looking almost proud.

"That's exactly it. You're everything that I want, but everything society doesn't want for me."

"Thanks...?"

"Hyung, when I'm with you, there are no conditions to meet and no need to impress, even when you're the only one I actually want to impress. You laugh at me if I sound full of myself, you make my heart flutter with just straightforward actions and remarks, and you get awed by a simple 'I love you' which shows that I don't need to go through a tornado of wits and lovesick poetry to win your affection."

"Oh no," Jiwon realised, his heart dropping to his stomach. "Don't tell me that _I'm_ the reason that you're...that you're questioning your-"

"I'm going to quit my major in literature."

There it was. Junhoe had finally got to the point and Jiwon felt terrible and sympathetic because he _knew_ how much Junhoe loved to write. It was his passion, his ticket to greatness. So Jiwon tugged Junhoe back down onto the bed and wrapped his arms around the younger tightly, letting Junhoe use him as a source for comfort as he remembered things that all the past Junhoes have said, drunk or sober, that could have led to this decision.

_'It's not just a passion, it's a **future career option.** '_

_'Like, I'm a boyfriend and embellishing could make or break a relationship but I'm also a **poet.** You know poets. Embellishing is our **thing.** '_

_'Now I'm not tired and sad and lonely, I'm just tired.'_

_'I'm a deep thinker and I don't like it so I'd rather not think at all.'_

_'It doesn't rhyme, I didn't want it to. Read it, read it before you sleep or something, not now, it's not that great, it's got no poetic devices and it's technically terrible and weak and simple but, I love it, though what **you** think is what matters.'_

_'Just saying 'it's good' or 'eh' or 'it's fucking trash, you dipshit' is enough.'_

_'That's exactly it. You're everything that I want.'_

_'You're the opposite of literature. You're clear and soft and you don't have a billion different sides to you, you're just **you.** '_

"This is a new chapter in my life. That's the kind of cheesy shit that people say about this sort of thing, right?" Junhoe asked wretchedly with a touch of optimism, laughing a little bit at himself and the world and Jiwon smiled gently as he rested an arm around Junhoe's waist, using his other hand to try and brush back Junhoe's now messy hair but Junhoe stopped him halfway by intertwining their hands, pressing their palms together almost desperately and Jiwon realised that Junhoe was still cold. "I've been thinking about this for such a long time. Even before we dated, but you were the decider. I'd rather write poems that make me happy as a hobby, and pursue something that makes me even happier as a career."

"And what's that?"

"I don't know yet. I mean, I don't have that long to try and work it out but..."

"I'll help you figure it out. If you'd dare to let _me,_ a poor boy with no class who spends most of his time trying to flirt with a beautiful aristocrat, help you," Jiwon said cheekily and Junhoe burst into laughter which was bright and clear and simple and radiant before he pressed up closer to Jiwon, knocking the breath out of the elder's lungs because Junhoe was literally all over him and that was never something he could handle—

"That poor boy with no class is pretty fucking amazing, you know," Junhoe replied, quirking an eyebrow when Jiwon's jaw went slack, his heart beating out of his chest, and the only solution was to surge forward and kiss Junhoe so hard that the boy nearly rolled off of the bed. Junhoe laughed loudly as the kiss broke in an instant, his arm slipping around Jiwon's waist as he pulled the elder down onto him before capturing his lips again and Jiwon was in paradise as he kissed Junhoe until his lungs were ready to break and his mind was reduced to mush. They really didn't kiss a lot but when it _did_ happen: bliss.

"I told you one day that I'd try and show you the reasons I love you," Junhoe murmured as he played with Jiwon's hair, tugging on the ends every now and then like they fascinated him. Jiwon wanted to coo at him because Junhoe was such a closet cutie. "The fact that you help me find who I really am is one of them. That's one of the most important reasons, I would say."

"Alright, I accept that."

"As you should."

"I love you too, you know."

Junhoe nodded, eyes shining as he flopped his head into the elder's chest and Jiwon held his boyfriend tight, wanting to make sure that Junhoe knew he was safe and everything was okay and everything would be okay.

###

Jiwon burst into the apartment late in the afternoon, bags in his arms and a huge grin on his face as he whirled into the living room yelling, "Junhoe, there was a sale at Nike! A _SALE!_ WHEN DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN IN THIS FAKAKTA COUNTRY?! And the best stuff was still in stock and I'm gonna cry, oh my...God..."

Jiwon trailed off when he saw Junhoe sitting at the table with his phone in his hand, staring at Jiwon with wide eyes as he was clearly trying his hardest not to laugh. Jiwon instantly dropped his bags to the floor, wildly gesturing to the phone as he mouthed, _"Who are you talki-"_

"My dad, Jiwon-hyung."

"Jiwon? Did I hear that right? Where is the boy, get him here right now!"

"He was the one getting all hyped over sales just now, Dad."

"Yes, who doesn't love a good sale?!"

"We've never been to a sale in our life, Dad."

"Yes, sadly true but I can still admire from afar."

Jiwon was very close to almost inching out of the room but then Junhoe was beckoning him over and Jiwon groaned a little inside, sweat already building up on his skin as he reluctantly walked over to Junhoe and wrapped his arms around the younger's neck supposedly affectionately but he actually wanted to strangle the guy.

"He's here," Junhoe said brightly, pressing a kiss to Jiwon's forearm. "Wanna say hi?"

"Ah, hello, sir," Jiwon muttered, bowing his head on reflex as his hands started shaking and he had to ball them into fists. "My name's Kim Jiwon, Junhoe's...roommate, it's nice to meet you."

"It's okay, hyung, he knows everything."

"Damn straight I do!" Junhoe's father yelled through the phone and Jiwon was so taken aback while Junhoe spluttered in laughter. "Hello, young man, how be your dues?!"

"Dad, please stop."

"Alright, alright, but it's difficult acting normal with my precious son's lover."

"Boyfriend."

"Yes, that. I really don't understand the word, it sounds so platonic and not amorous at all but _no._ It's a fake friend."

"I love him," Jiwon whispered excitedly, scrunching his hands up in Junhoe's shirt and the younger leant back to grin up at him.

"Jiwon?"

"Yes, sir."

"May I know what your major is?"

"Computer science, sir."

"Computer science! What a dazzling, awakening art! Junhoe, do you think that would fare well with you at all?"

"He's broken more electronics than he'll ever be able to fix, sir," Jiwon replied very seriously, silently yelping when Junhoe elbowed him in the stomach. "I don't think it's the most suitable choice."

"I'm not gonna be able to decide in just _one_ day," Junhoe sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Can we change the subject?"

"Of course, son. Say, Jiwon, how is life going? I haven't heard much from you in a while."

"Dad, you've _never_ heard from Jiwon-hyung-"

"Shhh, your lover and I are having a moment!"

"I'm doing just fine, sir, your son treats me very nicely," Jiwon replied with a grin. "I've been thinking lately to apologise, if I'm not up to your standard. I still have no idea how I'm even up to _Junhoe's_ standard, so."

"Nonsense, boy, you're fine. You bring him happiness and that's the key to all. I'm just worried about all this mess about Junhoe wanting to be with you forever and I've wondered just how amazing you've got to be."

"We've got something special, sir, I promise you that. It's crystal clear how much we love each other and so forever doesn't even seem like a big ask. Right, Junhoe...?"

"Yeah. Completely right," Junhoe replied and Jiwon slumped in relief. "See, I'm not just a lovesick fool, I've got grounds to my words."

"Maybe," Junhoe's father said, still sounding uncertain. "Just be careful. I care about you. I care about you both, to be honest. Be happy, but cautious and loyal. The holy trinity."

"That makes sense," Jiwon said, his voice quiet as he stared at Junhoe who had his effortless shine as always and looked very thoughtful, as if he had a lot of things that he wanted to get off his chest. And they all talked for a while longer with Jiwon using the time productively by stealing long glances at Junhoe who was a gem, a sparkling uncut beauty. And the instant the phone call ended and Junhoe turned to look at Jiwon, the elder kissed him quietly, their lips moving in sync for a good moment as Junhoe pulled Jiwon close and walked his fingers up his chest slowly, soothing but tantalising.

"We really did fall for each other so much, so fast."

"Maybe it's because we had so much time _before_ we started dating to fall for each other too."

"Maybe. But I don't know."

"That's the beauty of it."

"The unknown?"

"The fact that we'll never know and we'll never need to."

"That's stupid."

" _You're_ stupid."

"We're both stupid, stupid," Junhoe retaliated, knocking on the side of Jiwon's head hard and the elder whined. "Let's go look at what you bought. I thought that brand stores didn't go on sales?"

"Oh well you are _wrong,_ " Jiwon chirped, grabbing Junhoe's hand so he could lead the guy to the bags. And Junhoe followed, clearly uninterested but he was definitely interested in _Jiwon,_ and looking up every now and then to check if Junhoe was listening only sucker-punched Jiwon with a wad of the younger's fondness every time which was scary so Jiwon stopped looking up.

"These- okay to be fair, these weren't on sale but like they're just kinda one of a kind and beautiful and incredible-"

"Like you, okay."

And Jiwon's word bank dried up, his mouth absolutely useless for a moment before Junhoe picked up the snapback and placed it on Jiwon's head, grinning when some of Jiwon's hair escaped it. "Wow. A one of a kind on a one of a kind."

"Is sweet Junhoe a thing now? You never do more than one compliment in a row unless you're having a rant. Do you want something from me?"

"No! But, everything's falling into place in my life and it's all because of you. You're incredible."

"Yeah, well, I think cheetos are incredible and do you see me serenading a bag of crisps? Back to Nike!"

A laugh bubbled up Junhoe's throat as he nodded, giving Jiwon his whole undivided attention and Jiwon felt satisfied as he talked more and more—and when Junhoe fell against his side at one point, breathing slow and eyes half-closed, Jiwon only felt a _little_ bit offended. Sleeping beauties were good at softening his resolve.

"Night, baby."

 


	20. junhoe

Junhoe was bartending when his sister called. The bar was quiet since it was mid-morning on a weekday and Junhoe hadn't really been doing much. He had talked with familiar customers, especially the nice lady with the son and son in spirit; she had almost become a regular and Junhoe loved talking to her. Their most recent topic was how old you'd be when you stopped being a toddler. Junhoe figured maybe five, while the lady thought it was when a kid started school. He was also killing time by experimenting very freely with different flavours. So far the tastes were 50/50, either downright horrible or quite delicious. 

"Hey, noona-" 

"You seriously dropped literature?" 

Yejin sounded calm even though her words reflected the opposite, and Junhoe felt a sense of dread settle in his stomach as he leant against the bar counter. "I was going to tell you tonight, okay, I have stuff to do." 

"Are you busy right now?" 

"Well, I'm kind of at work, so..." 

"How did the university react to you changing? I bet it's gonna be a mess..." 

"They were kinda okay with it. Since it's barely halfway in my freshmen year, they said it's not that late and they're giving me two weeks for a chance to get my new choice sorted." 

"Won't you just boost your minor?" 

"I was thinking that too but I also sort of want to, you know. Explore."

"Okay," Yejin sighed, sounding worried and Junhoe smiled at the sentiment, not that he nor she would actually acknowledge it with words. "That's not actually what I wanted to talk about but I guess I got a bit distracted. Me and Dad, we were just wondering..."

"What?" 

"We're having a sort of glorified event to celebrate our mother's memory," Yejin said quietly and Junhoe swallowed, his heart sinking a little as he slowly nodded. "We should've known this was coming since our family's so important, and she was- is so important. Dad's prepared it all, I'm not home yet so I haven't seen it but, it's this Friday." 

"Okay." 

"You'll come, right? It's at our main house, and Dad was wondering if you'd like to stay over the weekend too if that's okay-" 

His phone started buzzing and Junhoe pulled it away from his ear, blinking when he noticed that Jiwon was calling him too. He hesitated at the sight of the Caller ID, furrowing his eyebrows before he brought the phone back to his ear and said, "Sorry, noona, uh- my boyfriend's calling-" 

"Oh, that reminds me! Ask him if he wants to come too, I know he's not upper-class but honestly, who cares, he sounds lovely if he puts up with you." 

"Oi-" 

"Anyway take the call, I'll text you the details!" 

"Cool, see you," Junhoe replied, hanging up before quickly accepting Jiwon's call before it ended. "Hyung, why-" 

"Can't you just say hi?" Jiwon's voice was raspy and uneven which clearly showed that he had just woken up and Junhoe smiled gently, looking down as he muttered, "Hi." 

Junhoe could almost hear Jiwon's triumphant sleepy beam over the phone, and he had to bite his lip to hold back from smiling too big himself. "Hello to you too! Okay, so, um, the toaster might not look very appealing when you come home." 

"The toaster...what did you do?"

"Why do you think I did anything?!" 

"What did you do?" 

"I don't think this accusing is fair." 

"What did you do?" 

"Hey, I can't see you right now but you look very nice." 

"What did you do?" 

"Seriously, I didn't do anything. It just went haywire when I tried to make toast so explain how that's my fault." 

"It's your fault because you so obviously did do something-" 

"Junhoe! Ugh, don't do this to me, I've still got sleep-sand in my eyes and I can't  _function,_ " Jiwon complained, his tone whiny but his voice was so low that it was almost like a grumble. Junhoe still somehow found it cute but he didn't want to admit it to himself as he raised an eyebrow and folded his arms on the counter, leaning on them as he listened to Jiwon fussing about how hard it was to wake up and how he'd want to sleep forever except that'd be the most boring thing ever and he'd also never get to see Junhoe, and Junhoe was about to interrupt him until Jiwon asked, "Where are you?" 

"The bar."  

"Ah...I never know where you are, it's worrying. You'd think I'd start learning your schedule by now but I'm just a forgetful idiot who misses you. Yeah, I miss you. A lot." 

"Hey," Junhoe said softly to stop Jiwon's rambling, feeling his face turn a little pink as fuzziness invaded his chest for maybe the millionth time. "I, um...I need to talk to you about something." 

If Junhoe was going to take Jiwon to the event then he'd have to finally tell him about his mother. Junhoe had no idea how he was going to start the conversation, and he knew deep inside that there was a massive chance that he'd break down and no matter how much he didn't want that to happen, he had no choice anymore. Even if Jiwon had told him that he didn't need to know, well, of  _course_ he needed to know at one stage or Junhoe was keeping something that affected him more than anything else from the love of his life.

"Hm? Is it important?" 

"Yeah, quite a bit. If that's okay." 

"Of course it's okay. After your classes, and after mine, we'll settle on the sofa and we'll have a nice long talk that'll make golf commentators envy us, alright?" 

Junhoe grinned, nodding slowly before quickly remembering, "And hot chocolate." 

"And hot chocolate. I haven't made that in a while..." 

"It'll still be great. I'm sure of it." 

"Okay," Jiwon replied, his voice quiet, happy, strained as if it was holding back a tumult of emotion. Junhoe wanted to see him so bad, wondering if the guy was lying back on his bed or making tea or just standing in the kitchen in front of the toaster, phone to his ear or laying down on speaker, a smile playing on his lips that Junhoe would have to wait far too long to kiss (or just look at and then imagine kissing, either worked). "Have a nice day." 

"You too." 

"Love you." 

Junhoe was tongue-tied for a moment, his mind lost in a spiral because Jiwon  _really_ didn't say that enough for him to get used to it. So Junhoe only gave a nod, muttering an almost inaudible notion of farewell back before he hung up quickly and placed his phone flat against the counter. It was cold against his palm which was getting increasingly warm, and Junhoe grimaced at himself as he pushed his phone to his side and put his head in his hands, closing his eyes for a moment. No matter how normal things were becoming, he could never shake the effect Jiwon gave him and the only difference now to a few weeks or months earlier was that he was beginning to show less hatred for the feeling itself, but disgust at how he reacted to it. But if Jiwon was there then he'd just kiss Junhoe's insecurities away and maybe call him cute if he was feeling particularly brave.

Junhoe would never, ever get used to lovesick culture.  

###

"Honeyyyy, I'm home!" a loud voice yelled accompanied by a slam of a door and Junhoe winced, snorting a little as he rubbed his ear and stayed sat cross-legged on the sofa, contemplating. His thoughts were all over the place, to wondering what to make or get for dinner, how to start a death of a loved one conversation, whether he should get up and go greet Jiwon or not. He wanted to get a chocolate sundae, he wanted to not have the conversation and he wanted to just crawl under the ground but he couldn't do  _any_ three of those things which was so aggravating.  

Maybe Jiwon respected Junhoe's choice of quiet, or maybe he was just too busy with the hot chocolate, but he didn't interrupt the silence filling the air. Junhoe leant his head back against the sofa as he listened to the kettle whistling, Jiwon's soft footsteps, the ticking of the clock and he was very almost asleep when Jiwon slid into the seat next to him with two mugs, a grin on his face as he held one out to Junhoe. "You ready?" 

Junhoe nodded, smiling back as he took the mug and wrapped his hands around it, tapping the porcelain with his fingertips before he said, "Have...have you ever had anyone close to you, uh...leave?" 

Jiwon blinked before looking down, taking a sip of his hot chocolate and once he was done, his smile wasn't there anymore as he looked at Junhoe blankly. "Do you mean die or leave?"

Junhoe was almost thankful for the bluntness. "Dying is a subset of leaving, honestly." 

"So you do mean die." 

"I- yeah. I'm not trying to pry or anything, I just want to know if you'll, you know, relate. Not that you have to relate. Just curious." 

"Relate...oh. Okay," Jiwon muttered, solemn but he didn't look uncomfortable as he laid his hand on his knee palm-up and Junhoe swallowed but still pressed his hand against Jiwon's without hesitation, their fingers interlacing like clockwork. "Yeah." 

"Is that...was that an interjection or, an answer or-" 

"An answer. I lost my older brother a year ago, he got sick." 

Junhoe's eyes widened as he instantly opened his mouth to say something but Jiwon shook his head, nodding towards Junhoe's mug. "Drink." 

Junhoe obeyed, his eyes still creased in worry as they never left Jiwon who looked down and started talking again. "You and I met less than a year ago which is more or less why you don't know. I don't like bringing it up, I can't do it as easily as my mother can who likes talking about his spirit still being here, but I'm still past it. His memory'll live on forever and he was amazing and Christ, it was _so_ hard to deal with at first but dealing with a death is like clearing up a wound. It hurts so bad at first so you need to find the best remedy and apply it gently, slowly, and so you can say you've tried your best to heal it. It'll always leave a scar but that becomes a part of you that you learn to be okay with." 

"A simile that's simple but perfect," Junhoe murmured, his heart feeling like molten lead that was beginning to seep into all of his nooks. "You're so good at stuff like that."  

"Is yours a scar yet?" Jiwon asked tentatively, his voice soft as he brushed his thumb across the back of Junhoe's hand, and the younger bit his lip as he slowly shook his head. 

"It's been three months, I just- I don't even know if I'm dealing with it right. Poems, talking to her in my head sometimes, crying at night, talking to my sister, that's my remedy. Is- is that good enough?" 

"I don't know, baby, I'm not you. Do  _you_ think you're healing up well?" 

"I don't know," Junhoe whispered, cutting his words short as he shakily took another sip of hot chocolate which instantly soothed him a little and then he could speak louder. "I feel like...kind of. Maybe. Ugh, that's a really hard question." 

"Do you love her?" 

"Yes." 

"Is she always on your mind?" 

"Wha- I mean...no...? But, like, still, it's a lot."

"Are you always sad when you think of her? What other feelings are there otherwise?" 

"No, there's- there's fondness, and admiration and, nostalgia. Remembering her wisdom and love. I'm only sad when I think about the fact she's gone, but I'm not always thinking about that when I think about her."  

"And will you always love her?" 

"No doubt whatsoever."

"Well, I think you're doing just fine," Jiwon concluded, smiling gently as he gave Junhoe a half-playful, half-reassuring wink to lighten the mood just a little and the younger laughed even through the tears that were already building up in his eyes and clinging to his eyelashes. Jiwon pouted, worry making him lose his brightness as he set his mug down on the coffee table and reached out a hand, stilling right in front of Junhoe's face before the younger slightly nodded and then Jiwon was brushing away his tears, letting them roll over his hand as he caressed Junhoe's face with the gentlest touch he could offer. Junhoe slowly raised his gaze to look at him, seeing Jiwon's brow creased, expression focused, and his eyes. His eyes... 

"Hyung, you're crying too." 

"Really?" Jiwon asked confusedly, blinking hard and when a fat tear rolled boldly down his face from the action, his eyes widened. "Oh shit, I am, that's unfortunate-" 

"Why? You don't have to cry," Junhoe said, laughing a little stiltedly at Jiwon's absurdly perplexed face as he set down his cup too and rested his hand on Jiwon's hip, leaning forward to kiss the elder gently on his forehead, a brush of lips that spoke infinite words of thank-you. He heard Jiwon's breathing quicken and maybe his own did the same, but he didn't get to focus on that when Jiwon broke their handhold and tugged Junhoe into some sort of malformation of a hug. Jiwon's tears were soaking his shirt now but Junhoe realised that he couldn't care any less. 

"Who?" Jiwon whispered in Junhoe's ear and even though it was a question he still didn't sound prying, he still didn't sound curious. It was just a query with an answer that would tie up all the ends, so Junhoe answered. 

"My mother. She was really amazing, hyung." 

"Yeah. I could tell she was." 

"You never suspected it, did you? When I've talked about her." 

"I really didn't, and that can be a good thing - like you said, you're not always thinking about the sad parts when you think about her."

"We're having a, uh, memorial sort of thing. It's not the funeral, that was last year but- come with me?" 

"W-What? Wait a sec," Jiwon sniffed, pulling back from the hug to tip his head back for a moment as he fanned his face. Junhoe smiled at him as he rubbed at his own face, breathing in and out gently in hope to calm down a little. "A...what?" 

"Don't worry, I'll talk about it later," Junhoe murmured, resting his hands on Jiwon's face which he squished in his hands a little, swiping his tears away gently and the tearful, shy smile that Jiwon gave him made Junhoe's heart want to soar just a little. "Wow, hyung. I've never really seen you cry before." 

"Y-Yeah, 'm beautiful, aren't I?" Jiwon joked and Junhoe looked at him, at his dark, glassy eyes, the crystalline torrents of tears running over his reddening but still so smooth skin, his pink lips that he kept on pulling between his teeth, and Junhoe nodded gently. 

"You are."  

Jiwon narrowed his eyes at Junhoe, trying to push his hands away but Junhoe just held on as he brought Jiwon's face closer and pressed their lips together, tender and careful. Jiwon gasped muffledly, his grip on Junhoe's hands growing slack as the younger pulled away and pressed kisses all over Jiwon's face, up his sharp jaw and down his tear-stained cheeks and under his beautiful eyes. It was like some sort of drug and Junhoe couldn't stop, grinning when Jiwon squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, clutching Junhoe's shoulders as he stammered, "W-What- what, why, what are you doing?" 

"Loving you." 

"Well,  _stop_ it, I'll...gonna, gonna pass out," Jiwon gasped out, pushing Junhoe away for good and Junhoe found himself laughing as he fell back onto the sofa and bit his lip from the aftershock of what he had just done, feeling all sorts of excitement for a reason beyond him. Jiwon looked so flustered and red like they had done something way worse than they actually had, and Junhoe could only smile as he watched the elder trying to calm down before raising his arms in surrender when he got a glare in return.  

"I didn't do anything." 

Jiwon didn't reply, only sulkily grabbing his mug and sipping from it and Junhoe would have laughed again if he wasn't so afraid that Jiwon was actually mad at him. "Hey, hyung, I didn't...sorry, I should've asked, I just thought- no I didn't think at all, I'm sorry. Sometimes you kinda just make love burst out of me, I don't, can't help it. I'm sor-"  

"You can't just," Jiwon paused as he winced at how scratchy his voice sounded, "spring that kind of affection on me without warning. Did you know that barely two months ago I'd almost die if you would just  _hug_ me?" 

"I know, hyung, I..." Junhoe stopped talking, only letting out a sigh as he lost all of the words that he could have possibly said. "Sorry."   

"Stop saying that and come here," Jiwon murmured even though he was the one who went closer, enveloping Junhoe in his arms as he tugged the younger down, almost wrestling him when Junhoe's body froze up but then he was lying down, his head in Jiwon's lap as the elder leant down to peck his lips and Junhoe instantly felt every single part of him soothe, calming down to nothing as he slung his legs over the sofa seats and closed his eyes. There was no talking for a while, just Jiwon doing small things like smoothing down Junhoe's collar and pressing his fingers against the wetness still slightly present on Junhoe's face, then laughing when Junhoe winced and smushed his face into Jiwon's stomach. "Cutie." 

"Hyung." 

"Yeah?" 

"I don't know where we're heading." 

"Do you want to know?" 

"Sometimes I think it would be nice. Sometimes I hate the thought of it. It's like wanting to know the end of the movie that you've been waiting to watch for what seems like forever, and then you wonder if you _actually_ want to spoil everything just like that." 

"I'm scared, sometimes," Jiwon muttered, his hand brushing though Junhoe's hair absent-mindedly as Junhoe leant back to look up at him, eyes wide and anticipating. "It seems perfect. It's so perfect, even when it's not. I'm just scared that we won't get the happy ending that it seems like we'll get and it's not even that I don't have faith in you, in us, it's just...the unknown. I love you-"

"I love you too," Junhoe interrupted, sitting up and swiveling around to face Jiwon with a lot of difficulty, but he managed to do it and not fall off the sofa. "That's enough, right? In the end? We don't need anything else? Because, we're doing all that we can and like you said, it's so perfect. We both need to try and not worry about the future, I think, so...how about it?" 

Jiwon raised an eyebrow, inching a little closer to Junhoe as he said, "What are you asking?" 

"Do you want to stay in the moment with me?"  

"Eesh, my cheesiness is rubbing off on you so much." 

"Okay I spend 24/7 with you, what do you expect-" 

Then Junhoe was cut off by Jiwon taking his wrist and pulling him forward and while Junhoe was thinking just how well this would fit into a cliché drama, Jiwon stole his attention back by sliding his hand onto Junhoe's face, half-threading through his hair and half-resting on his cheek, gentle, and Junhoe felt goosebumps litter all over him when Jiwon's thumb swept lightly over his lower lip like a shadow of warmth. "What are you doing now...?" 

"Pulling out all the tricks in the book," Jiwon answered, walking his fingers down Junhoe's jaw to tilt his chin up and Junhoe held his breath, letting his eyes flutter shut when Jiwon's lips ghosted his, and Junhoe finally let out a wistful, almost-pained breath when he realised that Jiwon wasn't going to close the distance. "Woah...this is fun. You look so gorgeous, what the-" 

Then Jiwon was yelping as Junhoe twisted the arm that was holding his wrist and pinned it to the sofa, locking his leg around Jiwon's waist as he pushed the elder down onto his back and kept him there, eyes narrowed. Jiwon was too shocked to even fight back, his eyes blown wide as he stared up at Junhoe, breathing heavily and it didn't get much better when Junhoe leant down and muttered lowly, "Don't test me." 

Jiwon gulped, still wide-eyed as he nodded and it was so hilarious that Junhoe's lips formed a toothy smile, his face turning a little red as he patted Jiwon's chest slowly, hesitant and apologetic. It was probably a bit too late to be shy now but still. "Um, so...I think this might be a particularly good time to bring something up." 

"Oh, do you really?" 

"We're having a service, for my mother's memory, and you should come with me. Keep me company. And look, don't be put off by fancy stiff suits and any posh talk because I assure you, you've got more charm and personality than basically _all_ the people that'll be in the room. I'll try my best to make sure you don't even need to do anything when you're there but stay by me if you'd like and, I'm also going to stay the weekend and I'm not crazy about being away from you for that long so will you stay with me too?" 

Jiwon blinked, looking a little windswept as he sat up, his hands instantly rising to grip Junhoe's hips. "Stay...stay in your, what, the home you grew up in?" 

"Oh, I can't remember which house Yejin said, I'll check her texts later." 

"Did you just- you have  _more than one house,_ " Jiwon asked but didn't quite ask, his face absolutely priceless and Junhoe couldn't hold back his laughter anymore when Jiwon whispered helplessly, "Holy fuck, I'm dating a prince. I'm marrying into royalty." 

"Hyung." 

"Yes, darling," Jiwon replied in the poshest voice he could muster before yowling when Junhoe hit his arm. 

"Let me be serious for a moment. If anyone says anything bad to you, and not only about class but other stuff too, don't just let them do it. Fight back like I know you'll want to, but like, don't kill them. Stick to words. Maybe tripping them up discreetly could be appropriate. And also you still haven't said yes so if you don't want to go then tell me right now, okay?"  

"No, I'd  _love_ to," Jiwon replied, looking awed while Junhoe felt his heart swell with relief. "Is there, um...is there anything I need to do? Dye my hair back? No eyebrow piercings? No earrings? No random peace signs-" 

"No, no, shut up, none of that," Junhoe said quickly, almost begging for Jiwon to be quiet. "Be yourself, stay yourself. The peace sign thing is weird but otherwise, you're perfect, perfectly fine..." 

"Okay." 

"Okay?" 

"I'll come and blow everyone's socks off with my edgy charisma,  _or_ I'll just hold your hand the whole way and do nothing but that," Jiwon said, tugging Junhoe a little closer as he rubbed their noses together, grinning wildly while Junhoe's frown turned into a forced grimace before he couldn't help the smile that he eventually pressed up against Jiwon's lips, finally kissing him for longer than a second as he wrapped his leg tighter around Jiwon's waist and bristled when he felt Jiwon rubbing his other one, moving his hand up and down his thigh so gently and too much was happening at once as Junhoe was taken back to the kiss that Jiwon was deepening, enchanting, and Junhoe's lungs were on fire but he wasn't ready to pull away yet.  

"You...you make me want to pass out  _too,_ " Junhoe gasped dizzily when their lips broke apart quickly like a force of pressure, brought by their urge to breathe. "How...how can you do stuff like that...then not handle me kissing your  _face_..."  

"That was different, that was too- too overwhelmingly sentimental." 

"I'm a sentimental person, believe it or not." 

"No, I know you are. So am I. We just don't know how to deal with it sometimes, do we?" 

"We're quite dumb." 

"And cowardly." 

"I have no idea why we're a couple." 

"Or how." 

"Sometimes our best isn't enough." 

"Sometimes our best is too much."  

"We suck at emotions." 

"We emote like we're constipated." 

"Some people might think we're the worst." 

"Fuck them but they have a point." 

"So do you think fate made the wrong decision with us?" 

"Not in the slightest," Jiwon answered straight away, smiling up at Junhoe cheekily and Junhoe beamed at him, looping his arms around the elder's neck as he murmured, "Perfect answer," and leant in to kiss Jiwon again until his lungs would beg him to stop.


	21. jiwon

Jiwon was pretty sure that it was something akin to two am when Junhoe walked into his room and crouched down next to his bed, on one knee as he gently poked Jiwon's cheek and whispered, "Hyung, gotta wake up."

"If you're not here to cuddle with me then go away," Jiwon slurred sulkily, still having no sense of conscience or what he was saying as he tried to roll away but Junhoe didn't let him, holding on tight to the sheets.

"Come on, please."

"Die."

"That's not very nice."

"It's bloody somethin like _two am-_ "

"It's five."

"That's not much different," Jiwon mumbled, blinking his bleary eyes open as he tried to sit up before giving up almost straight away, flopping back down. He could vaguely hear Junhoe saying something, or maybe laughing at him but sleep was so welcoming and nice that this was probably the one time that he didn't care about the younger. Though, he was rethinking that when Junhoe kissed his cheek, and Jiwon burnt up far more than was reasonable.

"I told you we had to wake up early. Trust me, it wasn't nice for me either."

"What about my classes today..."

"No classes, you can catch up later."

Jiwon groaned loudly, shifting onto his stomach as he laid his face on his pillow for a moment before slowly raising his head just before he reached the point of suffocation. Junhoe was looking at him fondly, a look that Junhoe himself probably didn't realise was on his face as he suddenly seeming less urged to wake Jiwon up and the elder smiled a little as he rested his head back on the pillow, not taking his eyes off of Junhoe. "What are you staring at?"

"I've just never really seen you _this_ fresh from waking up, when you're still in bed."

"And?"

"It's quite enchanting."

Jiwon let out a quiet laugh at the odd wording, wanting to swipe at Junhoe but he wasn't about to remove any part of his body from his blankets. "You're so weird."

"You've only just realised?" Junhoe asked, a smile gracing his face and it was so incredibly, ethereally pretty in Jiwon's hazed mind that it made him murmur a small, "Come here," as he leant forward a little, and then he was pressing his lips gently to Junhoe's which felt so soft and so perfect and Jiwon loved them so much, more than he'd like to admit. He hummed in merriment when they broke apart a moment later, closing his eyes once more as he burrowed into his sheets, satisfied.

"I love having a boyfriend..."

"I know you do, so get up before you lose him."

Jiwon gasped in offence as he stared at the younger in shock who shrugged, not looking very apologetic so all Jiwon could do was pout and bear it as he slowly sat up, rubbing his eyes as his blankets fell off his torso and everything was horrible and cold. He just sat there for a moment, cursing his existence before looking to the side to tell Junhoe to go away but then he was giving the younger a onceover, looking at his position, at his bright face looking up at him and a shy smile fell on Jiwon's lips when he made a certain link. "Wow."

Junhoe was clearly confused, a soft blush rising very lightly across the bridge of his nose. "What?"

"I'm just imagining, what it would be like if you proposed to me like this."

This time Junhoe's blush came full-force, almost raging on his face as his eyes widened and he quickly looked down at himself, his eyes widening even _more_ when he saw himself on one knee and all Jiwon could do was giggle as Junhoe scrambled to get up onto his feet, looking very ready to run out which he eventually did (more like very brisk speed-walking) when Jiwon failed to reach out to him because he was laughing too hard. Honestly, Junhoe would be the end of him.

"You should have taken it in your stride," Jiwon said with a soft teasing smile an hour later when he was leaning on his suitcase in the living room and Junhoe was throwing some last-minute-remembered items into his. "Should've told me something like ' _omg_ babe my actual proposal would be sooooo much better than that with elephants and flamingos and it would rain hot bars'."

Junhoe's featured curled up in distaste but he looked like he wanted to laugh too and that made Jiwon feel proud of himself. "First off, I would never ever for the life of me call you babe. And saying an abbreviation out loud? Disgusting. I'm still an ex-literature student, hyung. Also raining hot bars would be the biggest waste known to mankind, how can I eat them after?"

Jiwon raised an eyebrow, his smile never leaving his face but it was more smitten now. "And the elephants and flamingos?"

"I actually liked that part."

"Well, glad you liked something."

Junhoe snorted even though his expression was still stoic as he zipped up his suitcase and lifted it up, moving it up and down to check the weight for some reason before he grinned at Jiwon who straightened up. "Ready?"

Junhoe nodded, already going over to the door and Jiwon hurried to catch up with him but then the younger stopped dead right where he was and Jiwon inwardly sighed, waiting for Junhoe to go off running for something else he had forgotten but the latter was turning around to look at him with his eyes filled with an emotion that Jiwon couldn't name in the moment. Now Jiwon was worried. "Hyung...if anything happens, if anything goes wrong, can you look after me? Just, if it gets too much...please?"

Jiwon couldn't answer for a moment. He just stared at Junhoe, his hands that were clutching onto his suitcase and bag shaking and he had to keep on clenching and unclenching them. In Jiwon's mind, this meant something incredible, something that he never thought he would witness through all of the layers of Junhoe's pride and hardheadedness but the younger was asking for _help._ He was physically asking Jiwon to take care of him, he was trusting him that much and Jiwon felt something inside him just swell as he tried to ignore the tears pricking his eyes. This wasn't the time to get overly emotional and make Junhoe regret such an amazingly special breakthrough, so he decided to answer as simply as he could.

"You shouldn't even need to ask. I've always got you."

"I know," Junhoe muttered, looking down for a second like he was, like Jiwon had predicted, regretting asking the question before he quickly opened the door and went through it. Jiwon blinked at the flash of movement before he followed, jogging a little before slowing down once he reached Junhoe, matching up with the younger's heavy strides as he moved his bag onto his shoulder and reached out his now free hand to meet Junhoe's lonely one which was hanging limply by his side. Junhoe tensed, visibly, and Jiwon frowned as he shook Junhoe's arm using their intertwined hands.

"When I said that you shouldn't even need to ask...I mean, it's true, you shouldn't but I'm still so glad you did. It doesn't make me think you're weak or anything like that, it makes me think you trust me which is the best feeling in the world. I know you always hate seeming vulnerable in front of me and I feel the same way in front of you but we shouldn't _hate_ it, you know? It shows that we're opening up to each other. It shows that you're letting me into your world, and you're letting me be part of it which is so much more than I can ask for. I love you, okay? I know I don't say it much, but you can't forget that."

"I...yeah," Junhoe sighed, stopping them once more right before they left the apartment complex and Jiwon leant back against the wall, pulling Junhoe closer very lightly who brought his eyes to up to meet Jiwon's and the elder could see all sorts of gratitude reflecting in his irises. It was making Jiwon go crazy, staring at Junhoe for so long and he wondered why because Junhoe had clearly had something to say, but he was just staring at Jiwon too like he was spellbound before he suddenly snapped out of it, shaking his head. "I just, um, thank you...? Yes, yeah, thank you, I mean that. You always know what to say, and you know how to make things make sense when it's all confusing and weird. I _do_ want you to be in my world, more than anything."

"Then remember to actually try to let me in, okay? I can't keep counting on slip-ups and moments where you forget your pride," Jiwon said hesitantly, scared to say it even though it was true. He was still afraid of saying the slightest thing that could get Junhoe angry. "I know for sure that I'll wait months, years, forever for you. But..."

"If forever becomes a waste then it'll mean nothing in the end," Junhoe finished for him, looking regretful and Jiwon nodded slowly, accidentally letting his grip on his suitcase loosen and he winced at the sound of it clattering back against the wall, but then Junhoe was smiling at him and everything but that left his mind completely. "No, I promise, I promise you that I won't let it become a waste, I love you and I'm going to keep loving you and I'll be the best boyfriend you could ever have, I _will_ ace this relationship. I'll ace loving you."

"You know what you are? The cutest thing since turtles the size of a thumbnail," Jiwon teased happily, tugging on Junhoe's shirt and the younger grimaced as he moved forward just a bit.

"Why the hell is that your example..."

"And, it won't always be 'boyfriend', right?"

"Right," Junhoe answered, trying to hold back a smile as he moved another step forward so his breath tickled Jiwon's face. The elder didn't even bother stopping his smile as Junhoe stared at him with that look of 'you're so precious', the look that always got Jiwon so flustered. "Best fiancé, best husband, best...what else is there?"

"I don't know. Everything."

Junhoe finally smiled properly, letting go of his suitcase too as he pressed his fingers lightly to the underside of Jiwon's chin to tilt it up slightly and press their lips together gently, mumbling "everything" and Jiwon's heartbeat faltered dangerously as he closed his eyes and kissed Junhoe back, letting their worries and doubts fall to the back of his mind because they didn't need to matter. Not right now.

###

"I'm not looking."

"Hyung. You'll love it."

"I'm not moving."

"Don't do this."

"This is _stage fright._ "

"No, that's something completely different."

"Does it look like a castle? Oh my God, does it have like, its own drawbridge? A moat? A football pitch for a garden?!"

"Okay that's- that's all kind of a stretch, it's not a-"

"How many turrets are there?"

"I am _not_ royalty!"

"I know but you may as _well_ be," Jiwon whined, peeking through his fingers to look at Junhoe from where he was covering his eyes with his hands, cowering in the passenger seat. Junhoe looked really unimpressed by him but Jiwon was terrified so there was that. "Do you have any servants?!"

"No, hyung."

"That's actually quite sad, they're probably the only people I'd be able to converse with-"

"Oh my God, _stop_ already," Junhoe sighed, getting out of the car and slamming the door shut, making Jiwon jump a little but he still wasn't prepared to leave, not one bit. Though when Junhoe was opening his door and sticking his head through, Jiwon peeked through his fingers again and instantly melted when he saw Junhoe pouting at him. No, that wasn't fair, Junhoe shouldn't be allowed to use his powers of beauty over Jiwon, how _dare_ he-

"Ugh, fine!" Jiwon groaned, batting Junhoe's face away without actually touching it. "I'm coming just- just stop doing that."

"I don't know what you're-" Jiwon sent Junhoe a glare and the younger fell silent, only sending Jiwon an innocent grin before leaving to get their luggage from the car. Jiwon narrowed his eyes at his back, before dropping his gaze, feeling something akin to dread settle in his stomach. He didn't _want_ to dread seeing the house, castle-like or not, but he was just worried. He'd be scared to touch anything if it all looked too nice. He wouldn't want to stay in a room by himself if it was too big. It was literally the one reason why he had wanted a roommate when he decided to buy an apartment.

"Junhoe," Jiwon called out as he got out of the car, closing the passenger door and Junhoe peeked his head out from where he was unloading the trunk.

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever wanted a nicer apartment?"

"Nope," Junhoe said in a light tone, going back to the trunk and Jiwon went to help him. "I think our one's very nice. Very cosy."

"I know you wanted a bigger one when we were looking for them."

"But _you_ liked it," Junhoe muttered, a little distracted as his suitcase seemed stuck, not budging no matter how much he tugged at it. Jiwon would've helped but he was too starstruck by Junhoe's answer. "It was near your parents' house and near uni and, you liked it a lot so I wanted to like it too. You cared about it more than I did, anyway."

Jiwon looked down shyly, amazed that Junhoe had thought something like that even back then. That Junhoe had even _cared_ about his thoughts back then. "I still can't believe you said yes to moving in with me."

"Oh come on, don't you dare pretend you were that brave," Junhoe snorted, finally getting his suitcase out and he grinned happily, closing the trunk then instantly checking if his hair had fallen out of place in a car window. "Rock paper scissors was what made us end up together in the first place and seriously, I know you wouldn't have wanted me if it was your own choice."

"Maybe. But we were still friends, right? Kind of? I considered you family so I didn't mind," Jiwon said brightly, coming up behind Junhoe to capture him in a loose backhug and the younger yelped, jolting a little making Jiwon grin as he rested his head on Junhoe's back because he could, he was allowing himself to. "But secretly, in the back of my mind, the thought made me excited. Like, what would happen? Would we get closer? Would we crush on each other? Would we start dating? Would we fall in love?! See, _so_ exciting."

"Was that supposed to be slander?"

"Nah," Jiwon dismissed, letting his arms fall from Junhoe as the younger turned around, making him have to take a step back. "Just a joke."

"Haha. Humorous."

"Meanie..."

Junhoe smiled, looking too amused before he took hold of Jiwon's shoulders and spun the elder around, and Jiwon had his guard down so he didn't try and stop him. "Look, hyung. It's no castle which I hope doesn't disappoint, but it's still quite nice."

Jiwon hadn't even heard him properly, staring too hard at what was in front of him with eyes wide and his hands reaching out to clasp onto his suitcase for support, though Junhoe managed to catch one of his wandering hands (which was much better).

It wasn't the sort of thing you saw in fairytales, Jiwon could see that much. But maybe it was _almost_ as bad because it was the sort of thing that you saw in magazines, on television, what models would pose in front of in their photoshoots that aimed to succeed perfection because mansions may seem inferior to castles but to someone who had lived his entire life in houses maybe not even double the size of an apartment, it seemed like a spellbinding dream. Looking at it, Jiwon thought that it probably had to be the size of their university, maybe a tiny bit smaller but _so_ much prettier with the Victorian styling that reminded Jiwon straight-up of a wedding cake. A million crystal windows, storeys on top of storeys, land going on for miles even past the gargantuan building...and there _was_ a lake. A very pretty, blue lake.

"I'm jumping into that lake even if it's the last thing I do," Jiwon said, still absolutely awestruck and Junhoe rolled his eyes, moving Jiwon's head so he wasn't looking at the lake anymore.

"Let's not encourage that."

"I _love_ it."

"Told you."

"No, I'm still so intimidated and I don't want to take a step inside because I'll contaminate the whole place but still. It's gorgeous. Like you. A gorgeous home bred a gorgeous boy, that makes more sense than anything in the world, oh my _God-_ "

"Calm down, I can't have you passing out when we walk in," Junhoe snorted, taking a step forward so he could stand next to Jiwon, looking at the place with nostalgia in his eyes. "I've missed this."

"Well, nah. It's- why did you leave _this,_ for _me?_ What the hell kind of downgrade is that-"

"This is nowhere near the university."

"Ohhh right, right."

So they gathered their luggage and went to the front door, with Jiwon looking down and trying to keep his jitteriness at bay, knowing for a fact that no-one would appreciate it and though it didn't really help that Junhoe didn't look nearly as nervous, his hand in Jiwon's definitely did as it held on loosely but showed no signs of letting go, and Jiwon hoped Junhoe didn't really mind when he took a small step closer, tightening his grip. Junhoe looked at him, asking a clear 'are you okay?' with his expression and Jiwon grimaced sadly, shaking his head and just when Junhoe went to calm him down with a kiss on the cheek, the door opened and Junhoe sprung away like sparks from a bonfire.

"The sister just opens the door and she's already interrupting? This got cliché real fast," an amused voice said from inside and Jiwon blinked, staring at the girl for a moment while Junhoe raised his eyebrows at her.

"It wouldn't have mattered if you saw."

"You literally moved away like a bullet."

"Instinctual."

"Mmm, cliché."

"Uh, rude?"

"I'd rather say true."

Jiwon wasn't actually hearing a word they said, or he would have probably been feeling even more stressed out than before. He knew that this girl had to be Junhoe's sister, Yejin, and she was so pretty like Jiwon had already expected, not dressed up or anything but she still looked flawless which reminded Jiwon exactly of Junhoe. He started scrutinising her face very carefully to see the similarities between the two siblings and he must have been looking too hard because he felt like he had been just woken up from a spell when Junhoe squeezed his hand to get his attention.

"Let's go in. The service is starting real soon so we should probably get ready."

"Oh, yeah. Sure."

It was no surprise that Junhoe just went straight in without him, probably forgetting that Jiwon didn't know where to go but the elder didn't quite mind because he was too busy trying to not feel uncomfortable under Yejin's examining stare. "Hi?"

Yejin blinked then smiled, nodding at Jiwon who walked in and closed the door behind him before Yejin could. "Hey, nice to meet you. Jiwon?"

"Yeah, and you're Yejin, uh, noona or whatever. Agh, sorry, I'm not good with-"

"It's fine," Yejin said, waving a hand in dismissal before walking off too and Jiwon blinked in alarm, looking left and right before hurrying to follow. Gosh, he knew that Junhoe had said that his sister was similar to him but maybe Jiwon had subconsciously thought different, mostly because the number of women he had met in his life were always chatty and welcoming but that was only because they were always the ones who approached Jiwon, he didn't really approach people by himself so obviously non-talkative girls wouldn't go talk to him. And Yejin looked like the type who wouldn't talk to him at _all_ under different circumstances; she did look sweet, but she had an ice queen feel about her too. Jiwon found it drastically cool like he had always felt about ice prince Junhoe. "Junhoe's just gone upstairs, you should probably follow."

"Oh, cool, sure," Jiwon replied, nodding even though he had no idea what 'upstairs' actually meant in this kind of scenario. Yejin seemed to realise that as she turned her head and gestured for Jiwon to come after her, saying, "I'll take you to his room."

"Thanks, uh, how big are the rooms exactly?"

"You'll see."

"Ambiguous, okay, cool, cool, that's cool..."

"You'll be staying in your own one, though."

Jiwon grimaced, muttering another small, less enthusiastic 'cool' before he looked around at the actual place he was walking through. Something amazing that he noticed was that it actually looked quite homelike? It was massive and very authentic, with patterned pillars growing out of dark marble floor and large, old paintings on the walls with gold-gilded frames, and the colour scheme and overall theme was both soothing, pleasing to the eye and also made Jiwon feel some kind of culture shock because he had never seen something look so perfect. He didn't come from somewhere where everything had its own place, where nothing was messy and chaotic, and perfect just really didn't suit him. But there were certain ways where you could tell that this had once been a family home if you saw the scratches on the floor, warm colours, some out-of-place but practical furniture, indoor plants, and photos of the family or the kids individually. Jiwon even stopped by one of those, looking at the happy faces that included teen Junhoe and Yejin, looking happy with an all-business yet smiley father and a lady, just as bright and happy as all of them.

"Your mother was beautiful."

"Where do you think we got our looks from?" Yejin replied politely but with a slightly 'duh' tone from behind him and Jiwon snorted a little. Her and Junhoe were so clearly siblings.

"I always had this thought, you know, that rich families weren't really like us," Jiwon said as he looked at the photo, knowing very well that Yejin might not want to have a conversation right here and now but he couldn't help himself. "That they were all prim and proper and smart but a little unhappy and not very close with their parents, that there'd be a kind of stilted relationship. But I'm so so wrong, Junhoe's not like that at all and you guys seem so...I don't know, together? Something like that."

"You don't have to put work before family to be wealthy, Kim Jiwon," Yejin said, sounding slightly amused. "Sometimes it's all down to luck, or it's just possible to do both. I understand you, of course, since that's what all the films and books say about high-class families and it generates stereotypes. Now come on, we can have nice old epiphanies later."

Jiwon grinned a little sheepishly and started following her again, up a spiralling staircase that had golden banisters and Jiwon sucked in an excited breath when he ran his finger up one though he had to focus more on pulling his suitcase up the stairs. Jiwon felt like a little kid on a school trip when they reached to the top and Yejin gestured to her left, saying, "Third on the right side is my brother's," before she walked the other way and Jiwon half-bowed at her retreating back, yelling out a quick 'thank you!' before he walked over to the room with such massive (was it oak? Mahogany? Jiwon really didn't know the difference between woods) doors like they all seemed to have and knocked three times, cringing at the loud echo. But when one of the doors opened and he was quickly pulled into the room, everything suddenly didn't seem so crazy anymore because Junhoe was grinning at him with his messy long-car-ride hair and ruffled clothes and maybe he still looked like a perfect fit for the pristine, beautiful bedroom but he was _familiar,_ and Jiwon quickly pushed away his suitcase so he could wrap his arms around Junhoe's neck and lean up to kiss him, wanting to show how much he appreciated that he was there.

"Ooh," Junhoe muttered in surprise once they were done, looking very dazed as his cheeks flushed a little pink. "What...what was that for?"

"Just because."

A smile slowly grew on Junhoe's lips as he wrapped his arms around Jiwon's waist, eyes twinkling. "Okay."

"You find me amusing, don't you? Every prince has a jester."

"No but there's a difference, I love it and I love you. And, to be fair, I take you very _very_ seriously," Junhoe retaliated, sounding very firm and Jiwon raised an eyebrow in hope that Junhoe couldn't feel how fast his heart was beating.

"Do you really?"

"Absolutely. You're more important to me than food."

Jiwon felt scandalised. "Junhoe, that- don't say things you don't mean-"

"Even if I didn't mean it, I'm trying to prove a point. You're really funny and really, really important-" Junhoe was cut off when Jiwon laid a hand over his mouth and said amusedly, "Stop your blabbering, I get it. I love you too."

Junhoe's eyes crinkled, showing he was smiling and Jiwon laughed in surprise when he felt Junhoe's lips kiss his hand.

Jiwon's next order of business should have been something more productive, but instead he just jumped onto Junhoe's bed and lay there, sighing contentedly as he stretched out his arms and legs and still didn't fill the whole bed. He distantly heard Junhoe say something about his room being down the corridor but Jiwon chose to ignore him, cuddling into what was probably the fluffiest blanket in the entire world and and he only opened his eyes when he felt a body roll into the space next to him, colliding with him and Jiwon grinned as Junhoe let out a rush of apologies.

"It's alright, don't worry," Jiwon appeased, his smile settling just as Junhoe did, both of them facing each other with a respectable distance between them filled with fluffy blanket. "This is super nice, it's like my five-year-old dream house."

"How does it make you feel?"

Jiwon furrowed his eyebrows at the strange question. "Uh...a little strange. I feel like I don't belong here but, I admire it so much."

"Right."

"It's beautiful but very grand and I _do_ love it but I don't know how to deal with it." Jiwon moved more into the blanket, never breaking eye contact with Junhoe as he rested a hand as gently as he could on the younger's hip. Junhoe didn't tense up for once, and Jiwon's voice was soft as he said quietly, "It's basically the same way I felt about you."

Junhoe shook his head, looking down as he muttered shyly, "You shouldn't."

"Why not?"

"It's too much. I'm great but still, you shouldn't think of me that highly."

"No, you're wrong. Maybe I _couldn't_ think of you that way but you can't say I _shouldn't_ because I definitely think I should," Jiwon said, making more sense in his mind than he probably did out loud but he liked his metaphor. "I like thinking of you highly. I like admiring you and seeing as you as something amazing because if I don't then..." Jiwon trailed off, not really sure how to finish because he had never really 'taken a break' from seeing Junhoe as someone he liked, someone he adored. He knew that there was an ending to his sentence but he couldn't think of it in words; it was a more a feeling, a feeling of seeing an all-expenses-paid trip to New York as nothing special, a feeling of forgetting to cash in a win from the lottery. So he moved a little closer, moving his hand up to gently touch Junhoe's cheek which felt warm and smooth under his fingers and with the younger's slightly nervous and anticipating gaze on him, Jiwon felt all the more urged to tell Junhoe everything he deserved to hear. The only problem was that Jiwon didn't know what all of that was. "Look, I...I know you're not perfect, okay? I don't _idolise_ you. But I think you're incredible and I treasure every part of that incredibility. I _adore_ you. You're loud and gorgeous. You're prideful and confident. You're hot-tempered and sweet. You're sarky and funny. There's more and all of it is great, seriously, really great. I've admired you ever since I first met you, you can't start telling me that I 'shouldn't'."

"You know what you are?" Junhoe asked, his voice laden with emotion, eyes glassy, a small explosion of pink brushing out across his face and Jiwon thought he looked absolutely beautiful like that.

"Mmm...the cutest thing since turtles the size of a thumbnail?"

Junhoe scrunched up his face in disagreement, shaking his head and Jiwon grinned as he let his fingers splay out completely over Junhoe's cheek, caressing his face lightly as he felt it get warmer. "Then what?"

"You're someone that I admire too. Every time you open your mouth, I fall in love with you again, even when it's between you saying something stupid or talking a whole spiel about why you love me. Maybe that's true love, though I don't really know. But-" Junhoe took hold of Jiwon's hand on his face, linking their fingers before pulling their hands towards his chest, just for the sentiment, and Jiwon could distantly feel the soft call of a heartbeat. "You know what _I_ am, because of you?"

Jiwon thought hard this time, furrowing his eyebrows as he suggested, "The most loved thing since puppies?"

Junhoe broke out into a grin, saying a charmed, "Close enough," before he leant in and tried to kiss Jiwon who instantly moved forwards too but their lips only brushed for a second before there was a loud knock on the door and the words, "Junhoe, you better be ready in ten or I'll shove you into your cupboard and leave you there until the only things you'll ever be able to remember are suits."

"Your sister's very sweet," Jiwon said brightly while Junhoe groaned silently and slowly rolled off of the bed, landing on the floor neatly and Jiwon sat up too, looking around before saying "So, my allocated room is somewhere, right?"

"Yeah, let me take you there," Junhoe sighed as he got up, brushing off invisible dust. "But, come back here after?"

Jiwon raised an eyebrow at him as he got off the bed from the other side, much less gracefully than Junhoe had. "Why?"

"Tie."

"Ah."

"Also, for a morale pep talk...?" Junhoe asked quietly, hesitantly, wincing at himself but Jiwon only smiled as he walked towards Junhoe, stopping in front of him before resting his hands on the sides of Junhoe's face and tip-toeing just a bit so he could kiss Junhoe's forehead.

"Just you wait, it'll be the best pep talk ever. I'll even practise it while I'm changing."

Junhoe smiled at Jiwon adoringly, pecking the elder's lips. "Thank you."

"I love you, okay? You can do this."

"Are you already starting?"

"Nope, just warming up. See you, love you!" Jiwon called out as he sped-walk out of the room, grabbing his suitcase and almost walking into the doors which were far heavier than he remembered them being (probably because he hadn't been the one to open them in the first place) and Junhoe rolled his eyes, calling out, "You don't know where your room is, hyung," before following after the elder, closing the doors behind him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER 
> 
> yejin's probably not like this in real life lmao and if she is then that's cool


	22. junhoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning - parts of this chapter might be upsetting to some, includes poignant takes on a loved one's death.
> 
> I made some other parts that I could overwhelmingly fluffy though so i hope it compensates :*

Junhoe was in the hall now where the service was taking place, in his metaphorically suffocating suit as he greeted people alongside his father who looked quite solemn for once. Junhoe recognised everyone more or less, he could see his sister's friends gathering around the banquet, his annoying cousin and his girlfriend, more cousins, distant relatives, people associated with work, and the elders who had taken a part in bringing his mother up and Junhoe himself to be honest. Junhoe _really_ didn't want to be in a suit, he just wanted to throw away being formal while gulping down a beer. Which he really needed. Incredibly so.

Jiwon had come to his room ten minutes before, only half-dressed himself but he said that Junhoe being ready was far more important. Junhoe agreed weakly even though he didn't want to be out there, he really didn't.

"Is there gonna be any admin? You know, time before we sit down for greetings and stuff," Jiwon had asked as he slid the tie around Junhoe's open collar and the younger nodded, looking down at Jiwon's fingers. He had nice fingers.

"Yeah, that's gonna take a while. Sorry."

"It's fine...though I can't be with you then, right? You'll be greeting people, I'm guessing."

Junhoe grimaced at the thought. "You can always come later than I do. No-one'll be that bothered if you do."

"Will _you_ be bothered?" Jiwon asked, finishing up the tie and patting Junhoe's chest. Junhoe finally looked at him then, searching for some kind of meaning in his eyes before he shook his head.

"I'm seeing you now. I think that's enough for me."

Jiwon grinned, lighting up in pride as he took a light hold of Junhoe's suit jacket, curling his hand into it. "You mean that?"

"Yeah," Junhoe replied, smiling too as he knocked his forehead against Jiwon's, feeling unquestionably happy as Jiwon pecked his nose quickly, like he was hoping that Junhoe would think that it hadn't even happened, but still softly. Jiwon was always soft in whichever way and everything he did smoothed out Junhoe's sharp edges. "I wouldn't lie to you."

Junhoe had made the realisation a long time ago that he wasn't a big fan of people and that was mostly because they all had the ability to hurt him, but right now he was just thinking that they were so _boring_. Asking about what books Junhoe had been reading recently, how school was going. A lot of them still thought he was in high school which was funny to explain. And when his annoying cousin approached him, he immediately held up a hand and said, "If you're going to ask where my boyfriend is and do something like shove your so-called amazing relationship in my face because I _know_ you're gonna make it into a competition then I'm not interested."

The cousin frowned, narrowing his eyes at Junhoe. "I wasn't gonna do that."

"Oh sure, sure you weren't, and I'm sexually attracted to doorknobs."

"I bet your boyfriend _is_ a doorknob," he bit back, looking quite proud of himself for the argument and Junhoe just rolled his eyes as he turned away, going back to greeting people. He ignored his dad looking at him, seeming like he was trying to be disappointed but he was too amused. His grandparents on his mother's side arrived a few minutes later, and Junhoe grinned happily as he leant down to hug his grandmother, about to say a warm greeting but then he was being hit on the head halfway into the hug.

"Ow!"

"You _naughty_ boy," his grandma said harshly, pulling away to wag her finger at Junhoe who pouted, confused. "Dropping literature just like that. If you're trying to go along with the trend then you've lost my respect!"

Junhoe almost laughed. "What trend, grandma? It just doesn't speak to me anymore, not as much as it used to. I'm just trying to be the best me, you want that too, right?"

"Fine. But know that literature is broken-hearted now and she won't take you back if you change your mind," she grumbled, though her eyes were smiling and Junhoe gave her one last affectionate squeeze before letting her go. He didn't want to think that he hated literature now that he had let it go, he still found it enchanting to write poems and read books. But at this point, things like the strums of a guitar or locking a leg around a jiujitsu opponent's neck gave him more than analysing extracts ever did. Junhoe wasn't supposed to be a writer - or at least, not _first_. Maybe later, when he had more experience of life. But not now. 

"Ooh, I see two familiar people coming by! Or well, one of them's familiar to me but the other one _will_ be too, soon!" Junhoe's father said excitedly and Junhoe raised an eyebrow at him, not quite sure what he was talking about until his eyes fell upon a grinning Jiwon who looked extraordinarily freshened up while arm-in-arm with Yejin who looked beautiful but quite unimpressed. Junhoe really wanted to ask what had happened but Jiwon looked ridiculously good in a suit and he wasn't about to pass up staring time.

"We made it!"

"Your boyfriend is so annoying, Junhoe," Yejin said which made Jiwon whine out ,"That's not _true_ ," while Junhoe blinked out of his daze and smiled, wondering where this uncharacteristic bonding had come from.

"Yeah, he is. What did he do?"

"He somehow found my room-"

"I asked Junhoe, don't make me out to be a stalker..."

"-and stood outside and asked me if I was ready then I said no then he kept talking to me until I was done. I was changing, for Christ's sake!"

"I was only being friendly!" Jiwon yelped back, flushing red and Junhoe and his father shared amused looks. "And I was bored! And if you didn't want me to talk to you then you should have _said_ -"

"I'm pretty sure I did. Twice."

"Yeah but your heart wasn't _into_ it. I'm good at reading people, you see."

"He's not," Junhoe denied, ignoring the glare Jiwon shot at him. "But he really is friendly, I'm not even surprised this happened."

"To be fair, I didn't know where the thing was happening so I kind of needed her," Jiwon said shyly, scratching the back of his head and Yejin grumbled in offence as she tore her arm away from Jiwon's.

"Are you telling me you used me?"

"Yeah," Jiwon replied with less shame than he should have had and while Yejin looked ready to burst into calm flames, Junhoe quickly pulled Jiwon to his side and said to his sister, "Your friends are over there, noona. We'll meet you when we all sit down, okay?"

Yejin nodded in agreement, side-eyeing Jiwon who waved at her with a bright grin before she walked away, her skirt swishing like skirts do. Or, some of them. And then before Junhoe could register it, his father was holding a jolly arm out to Jiwon. "Good evening, young man!"

"Evening, sir," Jiwon said with the best smile he could muster, bowing his head as he shook the man's hand. "It's nice to meet you."

"As you. It's great that you could come along."

"I was glad to."

"Your hair is just fabulous, may I say," Junhoe's father said in stilted awe, nodding his head curiously and approvingly and Jiwon grinned a little shyly but he looked proud, and Junhoe felt proud too as he leant to the side to whisper in Jiwon's ear, "I'm going to go and find some people, you and my dad should talk. I'll see you?"

Jiwon nodded, turning his head slightly to look at him, eye smiling. "Sure thing. Don't stay away from me for too long."

"I won't."

 

> ###

Junhoe was scheduled to speak after mostly everyone, only before Yejin and about two other people. He was sat on the edge of the row next to Jiwon as he tapped his foot across the ground tirelessly, all jittery even as Jiwon traced soft soothing circles into his lower thigh with his finger.

"Mum's participated in making a _lot_ of money," Junhoe muttered in awed realisation as they all clapped for the millionth time as some kind of CEO had finished talking. Yejin nodded in reply, leaning over Jiwon a little to say, "I think she made triple of what's in our bank now in 2016."

"Wow..."

"Systematic money-sucking robots can also be the very sweetest of women," their father said with a wink, making Junhoe snort in amused agreement.

"That seems true now."

After a while of long speeches and words of gratitude, it was finally Junhoe's turn and his stomach might have just flipped over. He sat there for a moment, stock still as he tried to focus on not throwing up but Jiwon was there to help, to squeeze his hand and press gentle fluttering kisses to his fingers that made Junhoe's _heart_ flip this time. "You don't have to- I-I'm fine, hyung, seriously-"

"I know but, just in case," Jiwon replied, patting Junhoe's cheek and the younger jolted a little instinctively before looking down embarrassedly, nodding as he disentangled their hands. "Go be amazing, do your speech. I'm sure it's as beautiful as you."

"Thank you."

"You guys are _so_ cute," Yejin said in the most shocked voice ever and it didn't really sound like a compliment. "So different to the other times Junhoe's dated."

"When's the wedding?" Junhoe's father joked but then Jiwon piped up, "We're thinking winter, around the end of November in maybe one or two years, so it could be a winter wonderland theme even if we do it inside and the ring bearer would be a polar bear or we could settle with a penguin as long as it's cute-" 

"Shut up," Junhoe grumbled as he began to flush pink, shoving Jiwon lightly in the side of his head before he stood up. "I'm gonna go and _stop_ talking with my family about a wedding, it's so weird."

"No promises," Jiwon said brightly, grinning up at him and Junhoe rolled his eyes as he started leaving. But he could still hear his dad say, "Wait, so you're seriously thinking about getting married to our Junhoe one day?"

"Absolutely! He's my one and only."

"So, hey everyone. I'm Koo Junhoe, it's nice to see you all again," Junhoe said slightly nervously after he hopped up onto the stage but he managed to control the shake in his voice as he looked out across the congregation, bowing his head a little. The crowd was a mixture of sweet, encouraging faces and stark, judging ones, and some people had no expression, and other people just had anticipating ones, or mildly curious ones. Junhoe cleared his throat before starting again, creasing the paper in his hands slightly. "Everyone's been telling you all about what my mother's services have been to the world, to the economy, how valuable she was. And I guess I'm still reiterating the last part but in a slightly different way, just a bit more sentimental. In a son's point of view. She's so important to me, just like she is to all of us, and I guess...she was just amazing. She was really beautiful, you know. Made my dad fall head over heels with one look."

Small laughs rippled through the crowd as Junhoe saw his father turn red which made him smile a little. "She looked like a goddess whenever she dressed up, and an angel whenever she didn't. I wanted to tell her a lot that she looked nice but I didn't do it that much since that's not really the kind of thing I do. She always told me stuff. Stuff that I still carry with me to this day. I've got a bunch of quotes from her written down here even though they're all in my head, like ' _Waiting for the right time is stupid, the time might never be right and the universe sucks at giving signs so just go for it'._ And _'Sometimes you'd think that things fit perfectly but even Cinderella's shoe fell off. Don't get too comfortable, don't ever take things for granted.'_ And _'Do you know that there's a person out there who'll enter your life out of nowhere but instead of leaving just as fast, they'll end up meaning the world to you? Keep waiting for it, I promise it'll come.'_ She was really good at love, she was always helping me out with it when I messed up, and sometimes I'd forget to listen to her so I'd _keep_ messing up but she'd put me on the right track in the end. Honest to God, I have no idea how I got a boyfriend without her but I still had her quotes in my head too, I still talk to her. Always. Even if she doesn't reply, I know she's there, and she's already said enough to me to last me a lifetime. She was and still is absolutely amazing."

Junhoe paused for a moment to gather his wits, breathing in and out gently as he turned his paper over and pressed it against the flat surface in front of him. When he looked out at the crowd again, he saw quite a few smiles, faces full of emotion, and then he caught sight of his own family. His father and sister with almost identical proud grins on their faces, with Yejin's eyes only shining and a handkerchief in her hand while his dad looked seconds from bursting into tears. And Jiwon - Jiwon's face was glowing with soft pride and encouragement as he nodded his head at Junhoe, sending him a thumbs up with one hand and a finger heart with the other. It all made Junhoe feel so powerful.

"So, um, I wrote a poem. I wrote it last night, actually, after I had a talk with my boyfriend about things, including this. I had a lot of feelings and I was going to choose between other poems that I had written a while ago but this one just came out really easily and it seems like the most meaningful one, and most long, actually, sorry," Junhoe muttered, laughing a little nervously as he looked down and held the poem to his chest, just for a small moment, before laying it back down against the surface and smoothing it out. "Hope you...like?"

It took a while before Junhoe could start saying it, but he got there eventually through deep breaths and struggling to hold back a smile when he saw Jiwon standing up to cheer for him and Yejin pulling him straight back down. Then, Junhoe could do it.

 _"My mother once said to me, 'When you grow old,_  
_You'll have millions of stories untold',_  
 _She told me she didn't have time,_  
 _To tell me all of hers tonight,_  
 _I told her 'one day, I'll know everything about you!'_  
 _She smiled and patted my head, saying maybe that would be true._

_My mother once said to me, 'You'll be fine,_   
_I'll be here at each step, all the way, every time',_   
_And she held me tight,_   
_Nothing felt more right,_   
_And I felt so important in that moment,_   
_As if she was looking for someone to love, and I had been chosen._

_My mother once said to me, 'Don't be sad,_   
_I've loved you for years with all I had._   
_I'll never stop, even after my last breath,_   
_And I'll see you again when your own curtains fall for the end.'_   
_The last rose petal fell,_   
_Heaven cast one more spell,_   
_And she left me as I held her with tears in my eyes,_   
_But she had told me everything I needed to keep going in life._

_Her stories in my head,_  
_Her protection in my soul,_  
 _Her love in my heart._  
 _She was mine but heaven needed another angel to be,_  
 _And I could go on knowing that she still loved me,_  
 _And through soft whispers in the wind and prayers at night,_  
 _She was still telling me in her own beautiful way to live my life._

_'Don't be sad'._   
_I'm trying, ma._   
_You were the one who raised me,_   
_And I'm living on for myself though without you it's crazy,_   
_But at the end of the day, I'll repeat,_   
_Your stories, your words, each breath that you'd leave,_   
_I think to myself that I'm selfish while you were kind, cold while you were warm,_   
_Dark amidst your light, you leading the way through my storms._

_"I know for sure I'm many things you're not,"_ Junhoe murmured, thankful for the microphone or no-one would have heard him as his chest felt constricted, his lungs felt so weak but his mind was clear. _"But I do know I'll always be your son, no matter what._ Thank you, um...yeah. Thank you for listening."

And Junhoe knew that he wasn't about to cry. He was just frozen, the clapping coming from everyone ringing so distant in his ears, and when he walked away from the podium instead of going back to his family, he simply walked straight and out of the hall through the side doors. He felt so drained as he just kept walking, his heart feeling heavy and he knew he didn't have the capability to get lost in such a familiar place but he wished he did, he wanted to curl up in a room he didn't know and just think, hug himself, wonder about all of this. He felt fine but he wanted to fall to pieces. That kind of feeling, where you think the moment's worth more than you being okay.

"Junhoe!"

Junhoe froze, his feet pausing as he sucked in a breath and he would've turned around if someone didn't catapult into him before he could, wrapping their arms around his middle tightly and knocking all the breath out of him in an instant. He could imagine this kind of scene in an animé, where he was the tsundere guy who had been walking away, all chic and solemn before the soft, cute, yelly guy ran after him to capture him in a hug just to make him melt. The only difference was that Jiwon was one hundred percent cooler than Junhoe was and also far taller than he would be in an animé so his face grazed the side of Junhoe's, his lips near the younger's ear and the younger almost shivered. But everything was so warm. He felt warm.

"Why are you here?" Junhoe sighed, less like a question than it should have been as he turned around in Jiwon's arms which didn't fall away from him, only locking around Junhoe's waist. Jiwon looked worried, eyebrows creased and eyes melted chocolate, unblinking and Junhoe found himself instantly admitting that the sight was making him feel better. Just because it was Jiwon.

"You told me to look after you if things go wrong, and I don't know if this is quite 'things going wrong' but I'm still here, okay? I'm going to look after you."

"Fuck you," Junhoe blurted out in a shaky voice, his vision already becoming blurry and Jiwon laughed in reply as he leant up to kiss Junhoe's forehead so many times but it still felt too little. Junhoe closed his eyes, clutching on to Jiwon's suit jacket. "I hate you so much." 

"No you don't."

"You're right."

"Your talk speech thing was great," Jiwon said as he tugged Junhoe closer to him. "Probably the only one where I didn't get bored. It was amazing."

"Eh..."

"Did you _really_ have to say that you wrote that after talking to me?" Jiwon asked with a teasing smile, eyebrow raised and Junhoe frowned.

"Well, I _did_. It was true. I don't think I would have written it otherwise and I don't really know why but, it meant something. You evoke my feelings."

"I do?"

"Always."

Jiwon smiled elatedly, every part of him brightening as he brought a hand up to rest on Junhoe's neck, his fingers raising goosebumps all over Junhoe as they padded gently on the skin like they were taking a walk, pausing only to twist their fingers in hair at the back of Junhoe's neck. The effect it had all seemed like some kind of spell, and Jiwon had a sort of tendency to make Junhoe feel like he was seconds away from free-falling, a rush of emotions washing over him to prepare for a climax that never even came.

"It's not fair," Junhoe said, sniffing as he felt the tears coming back and he didn't want them to be there. "It's not fair that the time I finally found my soulmate, she wasn't there to see it."

"Baby," Jiwon whispered, shaking his head as he nudged Junhoe's leg with his knee, so he'd take a step back and lean against the wall. Junhoe felt so ragged and tired as he squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to run far away, into his mother's arms that weren't in his reach anymore. But someone else's arms were and they were right around him, hands stroking gently across his face, lips pressing soft promises of love into his skin. It was all going to be okay, Junhoe thought, and it _had_ been okay for a while now. Angels existed on both heaven and earth, and Junhoe had been blessed with more than one of them.

"I'm okay," Junhoe murmured, almost falling to pieces when Jiwon kissed his jaw, rubbing gentle circles into his hips at the same time. "You don't need to do so much..."

"I just want to," Jiwon said quietly and Junhoe wrapped his arms around the elder's neck loosely, playing with Jiwon's hair gently and it felt so soft underneath his hands. Small things like these, not grand gestures of love but tiny kisses, light touches, soft looks, they were what made Junhoe happiest. "May I?"

Junhoe nodded, resting his head in the crook of Jiwon's neck as he just breathed for a moment, in and out, in and out. "She _would_ have loved you. I've got literally no doubt."

"Why, because of my buckets of charm?" Jiwon asked, jokey even as his hand ran up and down Junhoe's back ever-so-lightly and a small laugh left Junhoe's mouth in a breathy tumble.

"Mostly because of how happy you make me. She'd instantly love you because of that. Then she'd meet you and probably pull me into the kitchen to tell me to ask for your hand in marriage in the next ten minutes. If I didn't then she would do it for me, honestly..."

"Has she seriously done that before?"

"No, but she would. For you."

Junhoe pulled his head back then, only to meet Jiwon's eyes which were scrutinising his, searching for an answer to a question that he hadn't asked yet. "She really was incredible, wasn't she?"

"No doubt, hyung."

"I kind of feel like I've already met her in a way. How you talk about her, and your dad told me a little bit about her. Maybe she's talked to me in spirit too, maybe she's examining me all the time to see if I'm good enough for her beautiful son."

"Maybe," Junhoe agreed, smoothing his hands down Jiwon's shoulders. He just felt the need to touch, and clearly Jiwon did too as he rested their foreheads against each other, closing his eyes as he brushed his lips against Junhoe's nose and Junhoe was falling for his beautiful soul all over again, for the millionth time. "But she won't be examining anymore, she'd have seen ages ago that you're right for me."

"I love you," Jiwon murmured quietly but it resounded in all the corners of Junhoe's mind, loud and clear. They were both so emotional now that it was almost ridiculous and Junhoe knew that it was all going to fade soon and they'd go back to normal instead of all of this overwhelming, tearful, sentimental affection. But right now, Junhoe wanted to embrace it as he kissed Jiwon's soft lips that never stopped saying the most perfect things, and he barely managed to whisper back his own, "I love you too."

###

It was around midnight when everyone had left. Junhoe was tired out but quite happy about being able to catch up with people, and he knew that Jiwon felt particularly ruffled about being interrogated so much. The questions ranged from 'how did you two meet?' to 'how does making out between two guys _work?'_ and Junhoe wished he could delight in how flustered some of these questions made Jiwon but he wasn't much better off himself.

The afterparty of sorts had been lovely, with the orchestra Junhoe's family had hired, the bar, the buffet. Junhoe had been staying with the orchestra, singing with them every other song, but there was a moment in time where he wasn't singing and there were so many pairs slow dancing, his mother's parents who looked so adorable and even the annoying cousin and his girlfriend looked sweet dancing together. Yejin had found someone too (someone that Junhoe was _definitely_ keeping an eye on), looking quietly happy while Junhoe's father was dancing with his own mother, twirling her around with laughter. And Jiwon might have been at the other side of the room at the bar while Junhoe was by the stage but they locked eyes over all the heads, and Junhoe nodded at him while Jiwon grinned so beautifully in return and the moment felt intimate and just for them, making Junhoe's heart flutter for a second. No, they weren't going to dance. They weren't going to go find each other through the sea of people. But they knew where they stood, and that was good enough.

"Jiwon told me he was leaving, went back to his room. Sure hope he's not lost, or do I?" Yejin told Junhoe as she approached him at the end, still glowing with a flute of champagne in one hand while her other rubbed her eyes sleepily. Junhoe nodded, sending her a smile.

"Alright."

"About earlier, when you walked out...you were okay, right? I wanted to go after you but I was the next speaker and then Jiwon told me _he_ would."

"I was fine, noona, promise," Junhoe replied, patting Yejin's arm while the elder shrugged.

"You know I worry. I want to be there for you." 

"You've been there for me a lot already, it's okay." 

"Your poem made me cry."

"I was crying buckets when I wrote it, honestly."

"Can you give me a copy soon?"

"Sure."

They both let out an inward sigh, emotionally leaning on each other as they looked out on the empty, large but still cosy hall that was now filled with so many anecdotes for a wonderful woman. After feeling a gaze lay heavy on him, Junhoe looked back at Yejin before taking hold of her hand, and Yejin said, "She was a premature angel, wasn't she? Amazing to think of, but so hard to be without."

"She's smiling down at us now, I bet you."

"Probably telling me to hold my head up higher, telling you to stand up straighter."

They both did those things together instantly, making them laugh quietly for a second. A warm sound through gentle sadness. Poignancy. "It's starting to get easier now."

"Your boyfriend helps, doesn't he?" Yejin asked, smiling half-teasingly and half like she was happy for Junhoe and the younger felt a little bashful. "I can tell. I can see how sweet he is to you. I'm counting on you to not fuck it up."

"I fuck everything up."

"Then don't fuck it up so much that you have to let it go. Or maybe you'll _both_ fuck up so it'll cancel out."

"Wow, Feelings with Ms Yejin!" Junhoe gasped in mock-amazement, grinning when Yejin elbowed him. "I'm gonna go sleep. I don't think you need to worry about me and Jiwon-hyung, we're...we're kind of close to perfect, for us. I think. Maybe."

Yejin grinned, her eyes glittering with some kind of wise, undeniable comprehension, and they both said no more words as they clinked glasses and downed their drinks in one. Then Junhoe was waving Yejin goodnight as he lugged his weary self up the stairs, wanting to fall down once he reached the last landing but he kept going until he was pushing open his room's door and falling flat onto his bed. He stayed like that for a minute or two, sighing gently as he eventually rolled over to get under the covers, grumbling to himself that brushing his teeth didn't seem important enough to do.

Who even knows how much time passed until Junhoe heard a soft knock on his door, and Junhoe wasn't asleep. He was drooling against his pillow, sure, and his face was smushed and he was so fatigued and limb-locked but he could still raise his head and grunt _something_ unintelligible. Just to let them know he was alive.

"Heyyy, babe," a raspy, nervously humorous voice said as they opened the door a crack, peeking their head through and Junhoe winced at the outside light peeking through. "It's me."

"Hyung..."

"May I sleep here? The rooms are too big, I can't settle," Jiwon whispered very loudly, and Junhoe blinked, flipping around. "If I can't then that's cool, I'll go curl up in the kitchen, though I think that's too big too and I can't remember where it is."

Junhoe slowly sat up, blinking a few times as he muttered with more difficulty than he wanted, "I, I mean sure, you can but- I've...I've got a thing."

"What?"

"I...I just have trouble. Sleeping with people."

There was a beat of silence, one that was far too long, until Jiwon was scrambling into the room and closing the door behind him, walking towards Junhoe's bed which made the younger instinctively turn off the lamp on his bedside table. "Hyung-"

"Wait, wait, just wait a second," Jiwon cut in as he clambered onto Junhoe's bed which was so high that he looked comical getting onto it, having to roll before he could sit up and then he was staring at Junhoe with intense eyes and sticking-up hair and Junhoe wanted to laugh so bad. "I wasn't planning on that or anything, I was just gonna sleep on that sofa thing 'cause your room has a fucking _sofa_ \- but, what do you mean? What are you talking about, is this something I should know? I've slept by you before, we've lied next to each other."

"But that's different 'cause I'm not asleep. It's okay if the other person's asleep, but I can't be."

"Is this why you always turn me down when I ask you to sleep with me?" Jiwon asked, pouting and Junhoe almost reached out to ruffle his hair. "I'm always kidding when I say that kind of thing, you know, I don't even say it that much."

"I know, I know, I just take it too seriously. I'm sorry."

"Can...can you tell me about it?" Jiwon asked hesitantly as he reached out to take Junhoe's hand and the younger let him. "If you can't then that's fine too but, I do want to know."

Junhoe took in a deep breath before nodding, exhaling softly. "That night in November. I know I was idiotic because I could've died going out in the storm but my mum _was_ dying, she was on her deathbed and I went. I went to her that day, before I came back to the apartment, instead of going to classes...that's the only real reason I cried. If I never saw her, I think I would have just felt numb. But it all became too real and I needed to escape after."

He had got a phone call that day, one that made him ditch his classes in an instant and race in his car to get to his parents' house. He was confused as to why the doctors had let his mother leave the hospital but he realised why in the end. There would have been no place that she would have wanted to leave the earth than in the comfort of their family home.

Junhoe didn't want to bring any memories back. But he still remembered his mother's bright smile when she caught sight of him, and he still remembered granting her wish for him to lie next to her just for a few hours like that was all she had left to do in life, sleep next to her son. Junhoe did sleep in the end, dried tears on his face and the best person ever by his side but the worst and most eye-opening experience in the entire world was waking up when the grip on his wrist grew slack and she wasn't breathing, still so beautiful, eyes closed and red still slightly in her cheeks, but she was gone.

He knew it was going to happen, she had even warned him, but he didn't want it to be real.

He couldn't even cry at first. He was just senseless. His father had pulled him into a wordless hug that might've lasted ten minutes before Junhoe left the house, driving the neatest he had ever driven in his frozen state, and then he reached his and Jiwon's apartment and finally let himself break down- well, before leaving again and almost getting electrocuted then making Jiwon fall in love with him but, you know the story.

Junhoe had loved his mother so much, and while he told Jiwon everything, he realised he had made it out like he wanted her to be the last person he would ever fall asleep next to but it was more that he was now too scarred to be able to sleep with someone else.

"You talked about it in your poem," Jiwon murmured, his thumb stroking over the back of Junhoe's hand. A small comfort covering large sentiment. "How she left as you held her. God- Junhoe, I wish, I wish you could've talked to me...I wish I could've helped you, with all of this. Everything. You don't understand how much I _hate_ seeing you hurting."

"You did help, hyung. Trust me, you helped just by being you," Junhoe counteracted, clutching onto Jiwon's hand so tight that it was probably hurting the elder but Junhoe couldn't help it. "I loved you still, still treating me the same. No eggshells. It honestly was like ignorance was bliss, it was like some kind of refresher, and you're the kind of person who's good at keeping others warm and happy when they need it, even if you don't know they need it. You've always helped, never _once_ have you stopped."

"Honestly?" Jiwon asked quietly after a moment, sounding doubtful and mistrusting but Junhoe nodded firmly.

"Hundred percent. It's yet another reason why I love you, isn't this list coming on quite nicely?"

Jiwon beamed, holding out his arms before falling onto Junhoe and the latter giggled quietly, maybe part deliriously since he _really_ needed to sleep, and he wrapped his arms around Jiwon both to keep him up and because he wanted to. They stayed like that for a while, longer than they needed to but Junhoe was very in love with the way Jiwon was nosing his neck gently and burrowing his face into it, his lips brushing against his skin too. 

"So, I'll sleep on the sofa thing."

"If that's okay..."

"Of course it is," Jiwon murmured, bringing his head up as he lazily cupped Junhoe's face, leaning forward so Junhoe's back hit his bed's headboard and he felt a need to laugh as he trailed his hands down to rest at Jiwon's waist very lightly, because he was still a coward sometimes. Especially when Jiwon had that gorgeous signature look of his, that ethereally messy one like now but only accentuated more by the soft glow of lamplight. "Though, may I..."

"May you...?"

"Have a goodnight's kiss?"

A smile spilled onto Junhoe's lips immediately as he nodded, leaning forward to peck Jiwon softly and neither of them could be blamed for lingering a little. Just a little. They ended on nose kisses, though, with Jiwon trying to prevent Junhoe from chasing his nose with the excuse of 'it's _cold_ ' but Junhoe got there in the end, pressing his lips to the slightly red tip of Jiwon's nose gingerly before humming, "It's freezing. I regret."

"Told you..."

But Jiwon still kissed his nose back, and all was good with the world.

"Night, baby," Jiwon muttered sleepily when he was all wrapped up on the sofa thing (he'll find out the actual name for it some day) and Junhoe smiled, cuddling into his bedsheets as he replied, "Sweet dreams."

"Only if you're in them, darling."

"Shut _up_..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there were four nose kisses (I think) in this, I'm obsessed ):


	23. jiwon

It was Jiwon's turn to wake up first this time around, with light seeping through crystal, elegant windows to smack him in the face and make him roll over with a groan, blinking confusedly because he _always_ kept his curtains closed in his room. But then it was all coming back to him, the night before with the service and the comforting and so many words and so many feelings and he didn't feel quite so irked by the prospect of 'morning' anymore. He just rolled off of the sofa thing slowly, his blanket trailing off with him before he suddenly panicked about the fact that it was probably thousand thread count sheets or _something_ making him jump up and bundle up the duvet in his arms, quickly throwing it back onto the sofa. Then Jiwon was staring at it and he realised.

It was a _futon._

Mystery solved.

Junhoe wasn't snoring but he was making some sort of soft grunt noise every now and then, his face smushed into his pillow and his arm hanging off of his ginormous bed. Jiwon smiled fondly without realising, so unused to the sight of his boyfriend sleeping (something he might never see again) and it was strange and endearing all at once, like when you see your cat asleep in the middle of the carpet. Jiwon decided to leave it be, about to go on a hunt for a bathroom before he paused and went over to Junhoe's bed, swooping down to give the younger a kiss on the back of his neck and Junhoe grunted again, even softer this time as he slowly rolled over onto his back but he still didn't open his eyes, or do anything to acknowledge Jiwon's existence. It made Jiwon roll his eyes but he still pecked Junhoe's slightly parted lips before grabbing one of the younger's shirts to put on so he could be a little decent before he went back to his room.

Yejin looked a lot less intimidating when she had just woken up, with squinty eyes and her glossy long hair all messy. Jiwon sent her a smile when he saw her and Yejin nodded at him, rubbing her eye while her other hand gave him a small wave.

"You good?"

"Just peachy."

"That's great."

"It is."

This reminded Jiwon of his and Junhoe's conversations too much.

After freshening up, Jiwon sat on his (pffft, 'his') bed, shoving some socks onto his feet then stretching out, doing a few windmills with his arms before he just laid there. It was comfortable heaven, like he was sinking into angel feathers and he smiled dreamily at the thought as he rolled over, ready to immerse himself into luxury. He must have been there longer than he thought because it wasn't long before another body was flopping onto the bed, smelling like all kinds of vanillary wonderful, and Jiwon might have smiled so much that his still sleep-locked mouth hurt.

Junhoe touched him first, laying a quiet hand on the small of Jiwon's back but he lifted it the instant Jiwon moved onto his side, not looking at Junhoe but at least they were facing each other now. Jiwon could still smell the mint on Junhoe's breath.

Jiwon wanted to speak but he only curled into the sheets he had bunched up in his arms against him. He hadn't spoke in so long nor eaten that his mouth felt clamped, but he found it opening on its own accord when Junhoe shuffled forward, accidentally right into Jiwon's chest which made the younger make the sweetest noise of surprise and Jiwon almost threw up his heart. "O-Oh...hey to you too..."

Junhoe hummed nervously in reply, blinking at Jiwon with wide eyes and their noses were just about brushing and Jiwon's heartbeat would probably win all sorts of races with its speed in the moment but his body wouldn't help, completely weak under Junhoe's gaze that wasn't even intimidating, it was just the fact that it was coming from _Junhoe._ Jiwon had come to terms with it all by now, he really had, but old habits die hard.

"Did you have a nice sleep?" Junhoe asked, his voice hushed and Jiwon smiled a little, finding it so cute as he nodded in reply. "That's good. So did I. It was kinda nice having you in the room, knowing that you were close? Yeah."

"I was really happy that you didn't throw me out."

"Well, you knocked, and you asked very nicely. How could I say no?"

Jiwon nodded, looking down but his mind went completely blank when Junhoe was kissing his forehead, light, apologetic. "I'm still really sorry about...you know. The time I got so angry. I can't believe I let myself do that, not after all you've done for me and God, I just _hate_ myself sometimes-"

"Hey, hey, it's okay, Junhoe. I promise. I've forgiven you so forgive yourself too," Jiwon murmured, rubbing the side of Junhoe's neck gently. Junhoe looked doubtful but hopeful, his face so close to Jiwon's that it was going out of focus but it was still so beautiful. "Everyone's feelings blow out of proportion sometimes. That happens. We all learn to move past it, too."

Junhoe nodded morosely, biting his lip as he sank his head into a pillow, bringing up a hand to drum his fingertips mindlessly on Jiwon's torso. It was ticklish and soft, but Jiwon got distracted when he saw the flash of recognition pass through Junhoe's eyes when he saw the shirt. " _When_ will you stop wearing my stuff?"

"Mm...when you stop wearing mine?"

"Touché."

"But very valid."

"Your _face_ is valid."

"You know that's a compliment, right?"

" _You're_ a compliment," Junhoe grumbled, still sounding like he was trying to get a jab at Jiwon but it really wasn't working and they both knew that, meaning that Junhoe didn't quite have grounds to retaliate when Jiwon gave him a fat kiss on the cheek that was half-teasing, half-cheekiness, all love. Jiwon's heart was festering under all of it, basking in the shining adoration Junhoe was letting him entertain and with Junhoe grimacing at him but still pulling him closer, enveloping Jiwon's waist with his arm, it was the most delightful of contradictions.

"Hyung, I-I've- _wait_ a second," Junhoe whined with a burst of shy laughter in his voice, his hand pushing away Jiwon's head and his far too active lips. "I've got a question."

"Will it ruin the mood?"

"Like always."

"That's my boy."

Junhoe flushed a little, punching Jiwon lightly in the arm and Jiwon grinned at him as he moved in to peck his lips, but then Junhoe was frowning. "Ugh, now I don't want to ask it."

"How bad of a question is it?" Jiwon asked incredulously, stroking Junhoe's cheek, with his fingertips entangling themselves up in Junhoe's soft hair a little and the younger pressed his face against Jiwon's palm, muttering sadly, "Quite bad."

"We've gone through worse. Hit me."

"Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, we're not meant to be?"

Jiwon looked at Junhoe in utter alarm. Like sure, he was supposed to prepare himself but he thought it was going to be something like Junhoe wanted to move out or something, like he wanted space because couples did that. Was this worse or not? "What the hell do you mean...?"

"There has to be a time where you've thought 'no, this won't last'."

Jiwon shook his head, barely even thinking about it. "Never."

"Never?"

"Never. You know what I see my life being? You. You know what I see in the future? You. With me. And that's the only thing I want to be sure of. As long as we're together, the world is literally ours, Junhoe, and I'm...pretty sure I've got everything I want for the rest of my life? I love you."

Junhoe looked down, unable to meet Jiwon's eyes at the moment but he still slipped his hand into Jiwon's and held onto it tighter than ever. That was how Jiwon knew that he felt the exact same way. "'The word is literally ours'. That's so cheesy so why do I love the sound of it?"

"Because you love _me,_ the absolute epitome of cheesy! This is déjà vu, haven't we gone through this before?"

"We have, I think," Junhoe remembered fondly, bringing their intertwined hands up to his chest. "But you're not _that_ cheesy. You just love me a lot."

"I think it's both."

"Maybe."

Jiwon sighed, an airy noise full of satisfaction and happiness as he rested his head in the crook of Junhoe's neck and ignored the younger complaining weakly about how his hair was tickling him. He just felt so safe in the way there was warmth, there was happiness, and thoughts of anything bad couldn't even reach his mind. He had got too lucky in the game of life and he knew that but sometimes, it didn't seem like luck. Sometimes he'd see the way Junhoe would look at him so adoringly and he would think _maybe_ he deserved this. Maybe instead of a turn of chance, he had made Junhoe fall in love with him just because of who he was. Which, perhaps, meant that Jiwon didn't hate the person in the mirror so much anymore.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" Junhoe asked with a raised eyebrow, knocking the side of Jiwon's head lightly and the elder shrugged.

"Just thinking that I might actually be quite great."

Junhoe blinked in surprise, silent for a moment before he was hugging Jiwon tighter, resting his face in Jiwon's hair as he muttered, "Finally."

"What do you mean 'finally'?" Jiwon asked quietly, squeezing Junhoe tighter too as he suddenly felt all sorts of vulnerable because self-esteem was a massive thing for him. He could make it seem as small of a deal as possible but that wasn't ever how it was going to work.

"I mean finally as in _fucking finally_ because it's time you realised even a fraction of why I'm so in love with you. Do you- do you remember that time with-"

"The mirror? Me wondering why I'm not prettier, better?" Jiwon finished for him, smiling gently as Junhoe nodded. Jiwon remembered that more clearly than ever, and it had been such a long time ago. The same day as the first time during they were dating that Junhoe said 'I love you'.

_"You know, sometimes I see you looking in the mirror in the bathroom, then I'll leave and come back in like ten minutes and you're still there. And then I'm just like 'whaaat, Jiwon-hyung's not vain or anything, why would he do that?' but then you'll say something like 'freaking hell, why can't I be prettier?' and I'm all like 'hyung, no, shut your mouth, you're perfect' but obviously I don't actually say that to your **face** because that'd be weird and I'm too busy wanting to give you a hug. But I don't, 'cause, you know how I am...though don't write it off completely, I will one day!"_

Jiwon had almost cried when Junhoe had told him that back then.

"Hey, look, back then you said you wanted to give me a hug but you couldn't but now you can!"

"Oh really? You call this a hug?"

"Get up," Jiwon chirped, patting Junhoe's arm as he straightened up and Junhoe groaned, much slower as he needed Jiwon to pull him up too. "We're gonna do this."

"But it's so random..."

"Yeah, fun!"

Junhoe made a grumbling sort of noise and Jiwon frowned at him, breaking their hand hold in annoyance. "Okay, is it really that much of a chore to just put your arms around your boyfriend because that makes me feel _very_ invalidated and I love hugs, you can't just reject one, that's blasphemy and injustice and...and _wrongness_ of the highest level and I promise you this time that that's gonna be in the Bible because Jesus hugged John all the time, I will now dub it a 'holy loving embrace' and ugh, _I_ want a holy loving embrace. Please?"

"You're really lucky you're cute," Junhoe sighed, looking a mix of exasperated and smitten as he moved forwards and slowly wrapped his long arms around Jiwon, pulling him closer with gentle tugs of his shirt. Jiwon's jaw fell because maybe this wasn't their first hug but it felt so real and properly random, like there was no reason for it and that was _allowed_ because they were so in love. "One holy loving embrace coming up."

"I knew you'd come through," Jiwon teased gently, pressing his lips gratefully to the soft skin under Junhoe's ear as he slid his arms around the younger too, squeezing his eyes shut as he just breathed Junhoe in for a second. In all of the years that Jiwon had wished that he was special, an amazing beautiful being who was so special himself was the person who finally made Jiwon's wish come true because having Junhoe hold him in his arms and treasure him like this, Jiwon _did_ feel special. He felt worth it.

"I always do."

"Is that so?"

"For you, yes. I try my best to."

Junhoe's hug was so warm and distracting that Jiwon almost didn't hear him but when he did, he had to swallow down something that might have become tears. Jiwon couldn't tell. "Thank you."

"It's only because you've always come through for _me,_ every single time. I need to give back sometimes."

"Baby," Jiwon murmured, pulling his head back just so he could look at Junhoe, see his face that was the most beautiful thing Jiwon would ever have in his grasp. "You've given me more than I've ever wanted."

###

"Hello, milady," Jiwon chirped happily when he saw Yejin sitting outside on the porch, looking all ominously ethereal cloaked in a beautiful purple dress with her feet up on the chair beside her. "You look very nice, you going anywhere?"

"No...well, I had a party to go to but my date bailed," Yejin sighed, picking apart an overgrown daisy in her hands and she looked graceful even doing that. Jiwon frowned, taking a rain check on drinking his soda as he rested a hand on the back of the chair beside her and asked, "Can't you still go?"

"People will kind of see it as odd, and my friends who are going all have dates. They can't come talk to me so I'll be alone."

"Hey, _I'd_ go with you if you want," Jiwon said sincerely, grinning at the incredulous look Yejin gave him. "What, I wouldn't turn down a party! Besides, I know I won't fit in but there are two factors to consider here: the fact that it'll help you, and also that your dress matches my hair. It's perfection already."

"It's not _that_ kind of party, Kim Jiwon," Yejin muttered, retracting her feet and Jiwon pulled the chair out so he could sit down, replying dismissively, "I know, I know, but that doesn't matter, I just want you to be happy. Maybe it won't be the best thing, though, 'cause I might annoy you too much."

"No," Yejin rebutted, shaking her head as she raised her glass of whatever it was and Jiwon blinked before clinking his soda can against it. "Or, maybe. But you're rather sweet, I think."

Jiwon beamed, incredibly flattered. "Thanks, princess."

"Thank you for the offer but I think I just won't go, I'm feeling incredibly lazy now."

"Yeah, sloths like me give off that effect, I should've warned you," Jiwon replied, shrugging in nonchalant apology. Yejin raised an eyebrow at him, hiding a smile behind her glass like Junhoe always did. "That means we can talk! Is that okay? Do you want to do that? If you don't then I can just leave, that's very cool, I don't mind-"

"Dad's coming," Yejin interrupted, her eyes following a moving figure and Jiwon's eyes widened as he instinctively sat up straight, tapping his fingertips against his soda can nervously. Yejin smiled at him, sipping from her glass and before Jiwon could even send her a 'pleASE HELP ME' look of desperation, the jolliest of men was sitting in the chair opposite the two and saying a bright, "Good morn!"

"Afternoon, Dad."

"Yes, that!"

"How are you, sir?" Jiwon asked, bowing his head slightly, very stiff, but his bones were eased by the grin the man sent him.

"Very well, son. Did you sleep well?"

"I did, thank you."

"I went to your room to check up on you on the way to my own but you weren't there, however."

"O-Oh," Jiwon stammered, racking his brains for what to say even though he knew he couldn't lie and he _wouldn't_ lie but the truth made him flush red even though it wasn't that bad but Yejin would probably laugh at him and Junhoe's father would grimace and go all like 'you are a peasant not fit for my son' and Jiwon would just _cry-_

"Was the bed not comfortable enough, was that why you sought elsewhere?" the man asked worriedly, patting Jiwon's shoulder in an apologetic manner and Jiwon found it so sweet as he instantly shook his head in reply. "Ah, or was it that you preferred to sleep with Junhoe, if his room is where you went to? I guess that's fine too, unless..."

"No, sir, um...the room was just too big," Jiwon muttered, quieter than he should have as he looked down at the table like the coward he was. "I wasn't used to it and it was kind of scary, maybe. And the bed was _too_ comfortable, actually, too big and nice. I did go to Junhoe's room but we didn't sleep in the same bed, don't worry."

"Ah, I see," Junhoe's father said but Jiwon didn't think he quite _did_ see, because he looked rather confused. Class difference was a barrier that Jiwon had never really thought about. "Do you two usually sleep in the same room?"

"No, but our apartment is quite small."

"Is Junhoe okay with that?"

"I've asked him many times and it seems so."

"I remember him calling me when you guys had ended up pairing to live together," Yejin said, grinning without hiding it as she set her cup down and Jiwon looked at her with wary wonder. "He was so whiny, said all this stuff about how 'no seriously I like him so much like honest but it'd be either great because he'll respect me which pffft _no-one_ else does nowadays but horrible because we're awkward, like why, God, are we not bros?!'"

"Your Junhoe impression is spot- _on,_ oh lord."

Yejin didn't look surprised nor pleased. "I've had many a go at it."

"So he liked me even back then, huh," Jiwon said, smiling uncontrollably down at the table in front of him because he couldn't help it even if he tried. "I honestly thought he only mildly tolerated me until he asked me out, I'm not kidding."

"Darling, you should have seen him calling on the day, he was going _crazy_ with feelings. Gosh, you're really a special one."

"I'm _not,_ honest, we just...love each other quite a bit," Jiwon mumbled, trailing off into almost incoherent words at the end but Yejin and her father still cooed in (very) different ways which made Jiwon wince, subtly slinging an arm over his stomach which was becoming a little unsettled. "I really didn't know that he liked me so much but apparently, apparently he did and I liked him _too_ and then we met halfway but not actually halfway because he was the one who took a step forward, into our really stupid no man's land. He wasn't a coward."

"From what I've heard, though, you're pretty much both cowards," Yejin said bluntly which made her father laugh heartily while Jiwon flushed a little. "But it's cute. Two cowards trying to make it work."

"We're not usually cowards, though, it's just around each other..."

"You kissed three weeks into your relationship."

"I'm sure that's normal, you can't fight me on that."

"And I haven't seen you two kiss once the past two days you've been here, I don't think I've even seen you guys _touch_ each other after the memorial," Yejin said with furrowed eyebrows, looking pensive and Jiwon blinked in alarm while he tried so hard to ignore Junhoe's father's very intense gaze on him. "Is that, like...bad? I don't really know but I get the feeling it could be? Do you two have a problem going on?"

"No no there's no problem! At least, I think not. That's just not really our...thing," Jiwon replied, getting a bit distracted when he saw Junhoe himself turn the corner and make an appearance from afar only to walk into an overhanging plant that hit him in the face and he yelled, raising his fists immediately because of course, who _wouldn't_ square up to harmless green leaves? "I mean it is but it's also not. I don't know, we talk? There are usually a lot of feelings, he-" Jiwon grinned when Junhoe squeaked and jumped two feet when the part of the plant he punched fell to the ground. "Gosh, I have no idea how to say it but he makes me feel so many things and I love him more than I thought I'd _ever_ love a person- see, it's happening! I'm feeling things! A lot of things! Ugh, I can't romance, I _can't..._ "

Yejin laughed sweetly as Jiwon simmered into dizziness and rested his head on the table, making Junhoe's father pat him on his back. "There, there, son, it's alright."

"I'm an honest to God mess."

"An endearing mess, I must say. You're very likeable, Jiwon."

Jiwon froze, staying still for a moment before he raised his head to look at the man with a pitiful expression, saying a small, emotional, "Really?"

Junhoe's father grinned and Jiwon's feelings started to get even more targeted because he felt so welcome. For the first time, he felt like he was actually meant to be here. "You're different to what I was expecting but I don't even know what I was expecting anyway. There are two factors here that I like the most, you make Junhoe happy, and you don't hold back. I think I got the son-in-law jackpot-" He dissolved into an offended strangled noise when Yejin hit him in the arm, turning to look at her in wide-eyed amazement of 'what did I do wrong?' while Jiwon covered his face which was turning a painful red all over again.

Sure, maybe he had told Junhoe's father about their marriage plans that one time but that was different because he was in control of the conversation then, but with the father of the love of his life saying something like _that?_ It was probably both a dream come true and something that would keep Jiwon awake because gosh, it was too sweet and stressing and _not true._ Jiwon wasn't a jackpot, he was that measly five thousand won win that barely even gave you profit for how much you bought the lottery ticket for.

Oh no. He was relapsing into his self-deprecating mode again.

"There you are!" Junhoe called out finally and Jiwon looked up to see him coming over with a grin and a leaf in his ruffled hair and even if Jiwon felt low, the sight still made him smile. "I was wondering where you were, like why are _all_ of you here? I feel left out..."

"Weren't you taking a bath?" his father deduced while Jiwon took hold of the edge of Junhoe's sleeve, grinning up at him, and Junhoe scoffed, "Yeah but that doesn't give you an excuse to gather for _secret meetings._ "

"Son, if this was secret then you wouldn't have been able to find us."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"We would have planned better."

"And you're also too dumb to have figured it out," Yejin said casually as she picked apart more of her daisy, making Jiwon choke in laughter while Junhoe frowned, falling into a sulk immediately.

"I hate this family..."

"We don't specifically have much time left, you all must know. There is tonight then you'll be having to leave late morning tomorrow," Junhoe's father contemplated, resting a hand on his chin. "I think we should make the most of it."

"By doing what?" Junhoe asked curiously and his father shrugged.

"I was thinking we could do some shopping in town-"

Jiwon gasped excitedly, letting out a cheer of 'YES!' while Junhoe groaned, frantically shaking his head. "I thought I would be able to avoid shopping with Jiwon-hyung for at least another month, _please-_ "

"I'll have you know that I'm a very diligent and impactful shopper!" Jiwon yelped in more offence than he had probably ever felt and Junhoe nodded, already looking defeated.

"And that's the _problem._ "

"If Junhoe doesn't want to do it then I do," Yejin said, sitting up and Junhoe's jaw dropped in betrayal while their father grinned, raising an arm in the air.

"Shopping it is, young ones!"

Jiwon beamed, getting up just as the others were and when he saw his boyfriend's childishly sulky face, he moved until he was right in front of him with their knees almost touching, grinning even bigger. "You have to admit, shopping would always be boring without me."

"But you make it hell," Junhoe grumbled pettily, crossing his arms and the elder laughed in amazement.

"Are you serious?"

Junhoe only sighed which was an answer in itself but before Jiwon could reply with another tease, he managed to ask, "What were you guys talking about?"

"Hm?" Jiwon asked in surprise, blinking. "Well...what do you _think_ we were talking about?"

"I don't know. Us?"

"Yeah, you got it," Jiwon said brightly which made Junhoe smile, looking away as if it was too embarrassing of a thing to smile at. "It wasn't anything too bad because _we're_ not anything too bad anyway, we're pretty great."

"Well, that's true, I guess," Junhoe muttered, looking all kinds of shy-but-let's-pretend-I'm-not and it reminded Jiwon of the old days that weren't even that long ago, the days where they squeaked at eye contact and Jiwon would blush like crazy at even the _thought_ of being able to kiss Junhoe. The feelings weren't gone yet because Jiwon still couldn't hold Junhoe's gaze for too long, they both still felt shy after the premise of a kiss to the point that they could barely look at each other; but evolution was a principle that they were performing. Evolution, in how when they used to hold hands it was desperate and messy, now it was smooth and lazy. Evolution, in how they used to keep respectable distances all the time, now they could press up against each other and feel heartbeats, breaths.

 _I wanna keep evolving with you,_ Jiwon spoke in his mind, too cliché and ridiculously sweet to say out loud as he wrapped his arms around Junhoe's neck and pulled him in only for a kiss on the cheek, laughing when Junhoe squeaked in surprise. Bold sweetness, hazy beautiful vanilla, wanting addiction, it was all there and he wanted to hold Junhoe even closer just to show that he _could;_ but Junhoe already seemed taken aback and this was enough. Jiwon already knew the amazing things their relationship was capable of so maybe he didn't need to prove it anyway.

"What was that fo-"

"Let's not go shopping," Jiwon said, eyes sparkling and knowing, while Junhoe looked more confused than anything. "I'll tell your family, wherever they've gone. I just wanna stay wrapped up in serenity and you, sales can wait another month."

Junhoe narrowed his eyes in confused, astounded doubt, not saying anything for a second before, "Do you know how rich this place is? There wouldn't even be any sales, hyung."

Junhoe laughed a little when he saw the utterly affronted look on Jiwon's face. "Oh then we're _definitely_ not going. Sales are the best market strategy ever created and if a retailer doesn't entertain it then I will _never_ trust-"

"You sound so serious that I can't take you seriously," Junhoe said, shaking his head as he showed off his beautiful smile which settled in Jiwon's heart even if he scoffed in reply.

"You wanna hear something even worse?"

"Oh God, do I..."

"I bought you on sale, because you're worth so much more than I gave in return," Jiwon said, greatly struggling to hold back a cheesy grin as he brushed his thumb over Junhoe's slowly reddening cheek. "I just give you measly weak love worth nickels while you deserve diamonds, pearls, all the strongest love in the world."

"Liar," Junhoe said without even a beat of silence, an immediate response that had Jiwon raising his eyebrows. "You absolute pathological liar, Kim Jiwon."

"Why?" Jiwon asked, resting his hand flat against Junhoe's face as he saw the way the younger was looking at him with that challenging, adoring look, the one he had whenever Jiwon self-deprecated and Junhoe was there to patch things up and coddle him in usually incredibly sweet words that came off in a very aggressive way. Jiwon loved it.

"You know why. Do I really need to say it?"

"Yes. Absolutely yes. Cute-ass monologues are our _thing,_ Junhoe."

Junhoe rolled his eyes but he lay a hand on the subtle curve of Jiwon's waist, for leverage so he could kiss Jiwon's temple and the elder's eyes closed for a second, his heart yelling all sorts of things to him but the only thing he wanted to listen to was Junhoe's voice. "Fine, are you ready?"

Jiwon nodded, already dying from how cute this was getting. "As I'll ever be."

"You're diamonds and pearls and all things pretty. Wait, even if every one of those things were given to me as they were, I'd still choose you over them. Meaning, meaning you're more precious than them too. Maybe precious is too fancy of a word, though, you're just someone I love so much because you're _you_ and you love me better than anyone else will-"

"I lied, I wasn't ready," Jiwon interrupted quickly, eyes wide and face abominably pink and Junhoe flushed a little too but far more beautifully than Jiwon had, and he seemed so smug that Jiwon might have bashed him in the stomach if Junhoe hadn't taken hold of the elder's jaw to draw their lips closer, closer, then perfectly together. Even after so many, some kisses still made Jiwon's heart explode and his mind rain with multi-coloured confetti and this was clearly one of them.

Evolution through cute-ass monologues was one thing that would never stop, and instead of missing the old days, Jiwon was excited for the new ones.

 


	24. junhoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early update omg udbhsghjbd i was gonna post this later because i updated so recently but it's jiwon's birthday and i thought you know whAT let's do this 
> 
> it would have fit better if this was in jiwon's pov lmao but never mind 
> 
> author's note at the end too! please read :* and happy bunny day 💕🎉

Saying goodbye was always a hard thing. Junhoe found it more difficult to say it to some people than others, but he had truly adored spending time with two of his most favourite people in the universe and he wished the weekend could be extended by a day, a week, a month. But no, he was really hugging Yejin and his father goodbye and he was really holding onto his suitcase and it was like the first time he was leaving for university all over again, except everyone was handling it a bit better now than back then. Besides, Jiwon was a bright beacon who was evaporating everyone's sadness without even realising it himself and Junhoe could seriously never stop loving the guy to pieces.

"I'll call you," Yejin said, holding onto Junhoe's head and aggressively staring at him while Junhoe aggressively stared back.

"So will I."

"You better."

"I will!"

"Don't die."

"I'll try and be optimistic about that."

"Look after Jiwon. He's a sweetheart."

Junhoe couldn't help but grin. "I'll do my best."

"He better look after you too."

"He's doing an amazing job of it already."

"Try and keep your emotions in tact."

"I definitely promise to try."

"Don't lose your sense of-"

"Ugh, my beautiful babies, interacting!" their father wept, capturing them in his classic massive bear hug that had the younger two groaning but they couldn't quite argue. "I have _missed_ this. Why did you two need to grow up? Why couldn't you have stayed minuscule and adorable? Well let's heed no mind, you both grew up to be perfect and successful anyway."

"Dad, you don't need to get all sentimental," Junhoe grumbled, trying to pretend that he wasn't feeling even a tad bit poignant but then Yejin raised her arms to wrap around both of them and maybe Junhoe could have cried. God, he was so soft these days...

"I just really _love_ you both, it's so lonely without you!"

"We love you too, Dad, it's okay."

The man only sniffed, holding onto his children tighter and it was all soft and emotional for a moment until a loud crash was heard that made them both jolt.

"Oh God...oh God oh God oh _God_ , no- aha! I'm coming, I'm coming, don't say you're leaving without me, don't _leave_ me-" Jiwon resurfaced from around the corner with a triumphant grin and a very dishevelled look about him, while resting his suitcase on his back for some bizarre reason. "You didn't leave me! Oh wow, group hug? You guys are so cute."

Yejin coughed, wiping at her eyes as she pulled away from the hug like they all did, awkward while Jiwon was as happy-go-lucky as ever, pulling back his suitcase so it could rest on his bent knee, allowing him to take out a hat that he placed on his head with a pleased hum. Junhoe couldn't help but shake his head at him, fed-up in a fond way and Junhoe's father was the first one to go towards Jiwon. "Jiwon, son, are you alright?"

"I'm fine! I just fell but that happens, I'm good-" Jiwon dissolved into a strangled noise when Junhoe's father fell onto him in a hug too, a very tight one and Jiwon's arms just waved around aimlessly for a moment as he sent Junhoe a wide-eyed look full of stress that Junhoe only returned with an amused grin and an encouraging nod, as if to say 'go ahead'. Jiwon gulped, slowly, nervously reciprocating as he patted the man's back.

"You've been delightful to have around the household, Kim Jiwon."

"O-Oh, thank you so much, sir-"

"Never stop being who you are, alright? You're a very amazing young man," Junhoe's father said as he pulled away, clamping onto Jiwon's shoulders firmly and Jiwon nodded back, a little dazed.

"I...wow. I won't."

"Thank you for giving my son your love."

"It's always my pleasure, really."

"I hope this is only the first time of many where I am delighted to make your acquaintance," the man said, ruffling Jiwon's hair and the latter grinned at him, looking so touched and elated that it made Junhoe feel just so happy looking at them.

"As do I, sir. Thank you for allowing me to stay here."

"Anything for a person who has our Junhoe's heart, you can't _help_ but be welcome."

Jiwon swallowed something that may have been the urge to cry as he bowed, both of them exchanging more farewells before Yejin pushed Junhoe's hand away from hers which Junhoe hadn't even realised he had been holding onto so tightly and went over to Jiwon who lit up at the sight of her, beaming. "Yejin! I'm leaving, you know, will you miss me?"

"I barely know you, Kim," Yejin said curtly but she was still sensitive and Jiwon could see it, making him tread more lightly.

"I can call you if you _would_ like to know me better. I'm good at keeping phone conversations going sometimes, I'm very random."

"I know."

"I hope you have a nice day. And week. And year?"

"How dare you miss out month?"

Jiwon frowned, kicking his suitcase. "Ugh, I can't do _anything_ right..."

Yejin broke into a smile then, patting Jiwon's arm. "Goodbye, Jiwon. You're actually quite nice to be around, and I hope you have a nice life ahead of you."

A grin spread across Jiwon's face, amused by the blunt wording. "All the same for you, princess."

Getting the suitcases back into Junhoe's car was a hassle, like they both already knew it was going to be and _nothing_ was funnier than when Jiwon was trying so very hard to shove one in using all of his body and willpower and Junhoe was yelling, "PUSH, HYUNG!" and Jiwon glared at him.

"I'm not having a baby, am I?!"

"I'm just trying to help-"

"Then _actually_ help! With your arms!"

Junhoe sighed heavily, grumbling under his breath about illegal unjust labour but then he was helping and soon enough, it went in, leaving Junhoe to catch Jiwon who over-dramatically collapsed in relief, laying a hand on his head like a distressed damsel. Junhoe just stared at him flatly. "You suck."

"I know," Jiwon grinned, a torrent of breathless teasing as he circled his arms around Junhoe's neck and kissed the younger's cheek sweetly, leaving Junhoe blinking in surprise. "I think I hurt my shoulder, though."

"Are you trying to butter me up so I'll carry you to your seat?" Junhoe asked with a raised eyebrow but he had barely finished speaking before Jiwon tugged his head down and pressed their lips together, tenderly mesmerising in a way that rendered Junhoe's mind completely blank and made him hold Jiwon closer, sighing gently as Jiwon pulled away to smile at him, patting the younger's cheek.

"It's working, isn't it?"

Junhoe muttered something unintelligible in return, completely out of it and Jiwon smiled wider as he pulled Junhoe into another kiss, sending them both back into wonderland.

###

**hanbinge**  
_KIM FUCKING JINHWAN_

 **donggu**  
_THIS IS A GROUP CHAT_

 **hanbinge**  
_I'm trying to tell you something!_

**donggu**  
_oh oh sorry_

 **hanbinge**  
_KIM FUCKING JINHWAN_

 **hanbinge**  
_IS GOING ON A DATE_

**niveeeeeeeeea**  
_oh my goD?? CONGRATS!!!_

**hanbinge**  
_NO BUT IT'S NOT WITH ME UGH STOP MAKING ME FEEL WORSE_

 **donggu**  
wait _what???_

 **donggu**  
_no no that's not right_

 **smoke? nah** i **pollute with noise**  
_wait wait a second are you guys not exclusive or are you like literally not dating?_

**niveeeeeeeeeea**  
_woah ghost junhoe is actually on the chat!_

 **hanbinge**  
_june oh my god get with the proGRam_

 **hanbinge**  
_no we're not dating_

 **chantheman**  
_then why do you care if he's going on a date_

**hanbinge**  
_BECAUSE_

 **hanbinge**  
_THAT SHOULD BE ME_

 **hanbinge**  
_WITH HIM_

 **hanbinge**  
_OKAY_

**fairies can be sexy**  
_ok I've had enough_

 **donggu**  
_OH SHIT_

 **niveeeeeeeeeea**  
_it's jinHWAn hyunG???_

 **hanbinge**  
_fuck I'm dead I thought he was on the date already_

 **hanbinge**  
_BOBBY HYUNG SAVE ME_

**smoke? nah i pollute with noise**  
_he's busy lol_

**fairies can be angry**  
_listen to me right now bin_

 **niveeeeeeeeeea**  
_the name change I'm scared_

**fairies can be angry**  
_this isn't a joke anymore, I want to date, okay?_

**fairies can be angry**  
_we're not dating, you know that, and we're not going to_

**fairies can be angry**  
_stop messing about!_

**hanbinge**  
_you can date I'm not stopping you!_

**fairies can be angry**  
_sure you're not when you're saying stuff like you were here, I'm trying to look for something serious. let go of the stupid thing we have_

**hanbinge**  
_fine. since it clearly seems like you have then I will too_

**fairies can be angry**  
_stop making this out to be more than it is_

**hanbinge**  
_I hate you_

**fairies can be angry**  
_hanbin!_

 **hanbinge**  
_I've been fawning over you for years and you never see me as serious, you never think that I actually like you as much as I do_

 **hanbinge**  
_I thought just being able to kiss you sometimes was enough but it's really not_

**smoke? nah i pollute with noise**  
_what the hell has been happening while I've been gone_

**fairies can be angry**  
_hanbin stop playing around_

 **hanbinge**  
_I'm NOT PLAYING AROUND FOR GOD'S SAKE_

**fairies can be angry**  
_THEN WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME THIS BEFORE_

**fairies can be angry**  
_YOU HAD SO MUCH TIME_

 **niveeeeeeeeeea**  
_oh my god they're actually worse than jiwon and junhoe were_

**smoke? nah i pollute with noise**  
_i would be offended but I'm honestly shocked too_

 **hanbinge**  
_BECAUSE IT WAS TOO DIFFICULT OKAY!! AND I H A V E SAID IT but I always make it seem like I'm joking and it's just...easier that way_

**hanbinge**  
_i really like you but I'm a depressed loser who never gets the guy anyway_

 **niveeeeeeeeeea**  
_;^; noooooooo_

**fairies can be angry**  
_then date me_

 **niveeeeeeeeeea**  
_I'm flattered but I'm taken_

 **chantheman**  
_NOT YOU_

**hanbinge**  
_WAIT WHAT_

**fairies can be angry**  
_DATE ME YOU FUCKWAD_

 **hanbinge**  
_OH WELL MAYBE I WILL_

 **donggu**  
_holy shit it's: happening?_

**fairies can be angry**  
_DAMN STRAIGHT_

**hanbinge**  
_YEAH_

**fairies can be angry**  
_COME PICK ME UP BOYFRIEND I DON'T WANNA CHEAT ON YOU_

**hanbinge**  
_ohmygaHD OKAY OKAY LOVE YOU_

 **hanbinge**  
_BOYFRIEND_

 **hanbinge**  
_KWHSJWVJWBSJHWKSHEJDDJIWIWJDB_

**smoke? nah i pollute with noise**  
_what just happened_

It had only been a mere hour since Junhoe had arrived home and he was still very confused, but proud, and then more confused, but happy, and he went to Jiwon to tell him the news but instead of being in his room, Junhoe found him on the phone while sitting on the kitchen counter, clutching his shoulder casually and swinging his legs. Junhoe blinked, peeking his head through but once Jiwon started talking, he didn't quite want to go in anymore. Hanbin and Jinhwan would have to wait.

"Yeah, it's really important," Jiwon said, nodding. "No, it can't wait. Well, it can but I don't really want it to. I want you to know, as soon as possible. It's...no, I don't have a life-threatening disea- _no,_ ma, I'm not going to quit university and become a jockey. No, I'm not gonna- where are you getting these ideas?!"

Junhoe smiled to himself, enamoured by Jiwon's distressed expression before he wondered if this shouldn't be something that he eavesdropped on because it seemed so serious. But Junhoe was dumb and he thought about it so long up to the point that Jiwon was already ready to say it.

"Guys, I...I know that me and relationships aren't really compatible," Jiwon muttered, looking down and swinging his legs a bit more, and Junhoe frowned as he realised just how small Jiwon looked. "And I know you guys took it quite hard when I came out to you, even if you didn't want me to _know_ that it was difficult for you. But, it's okay now, right?" Jiwon paused for a moment before smiling so happily, his eyes going a tad bit glassy and Junhoe's heart warmed. "Thank you. Thank you for accepting me, thank you for, you know...for everything."

Jiwon sniffed, dragging his sleeve across his eyes even though he wasn't quite crying and Junhoe wanted to go and hug the life out of him but he couldn't, not yet. "You see, you see, um...I've got a boyfriend. Yeah, a _boy_ friend. We've been dating for just over a month now and I love him, I love him to pieces, I love him so so much. More than any other person I've dated. I just wanted you to know, because you're my family. You deserve to know."

There was silence for a moment, nerve-wracking silence, and Junhoe's heart was slowly collapsing in on itself. He didn't know what the feeling was but there was the familiar fuzz, something akin to pride, scattering butterflies, fluttering shyness? He felt dizzy. He felt _happy._ Jiwon's parents finally knew about him and this was so _official_ and God, the way that Jiwon had introduced him made Junhoe feel like the luckiest boyfriend in the entire world.

Jiwon's laugh was what snapped him out of it, loud and free and Junhoe was smitten all over again. "Yeah, I know, I know...no, seriously, you _have_ to see him, he's absolutely gorgeous, you'll fawn over him! Okay fine not you, Dad, but you'll come close, I bet you. I'm sure you can meet soon, if he's down for it! I've already met his family, they're very swe—holy hell, don't screech! Jesus, my eardrums..." Then Jiwon was falling silent, lowering himself back to the ground with his eyes widening and face all serious and open before he smiled gently, full of both bitterness and security. "I know you're scared, ma, but it's okay. He's better. He won't hurt me."

Junhoe fell to pieces at those words. Had there _ever_ been a moment where he had felt happier than now? He didn't think so. But then again, could he feel happy with this knowledge that Jiwon had been hurt before? To be fair he had already known that, Jiwon had implied it many times but in the face of it all, Junhoe wanted to be different. He loved Jiwon with all of his soul and hurting him was the absolutely opposite of everything Junhoe wanted to do, from small things like making him smile and cheering him up to the overall goal of cherishing him. Making him feel loved. If Jiwon knew that Junhoe wouldn't hurt him...maybe that meant he had succeeded.

"I'm very sure of that."

His heart was beating so hard to the point that he was sure Jiwon could hear it and it was so difficult to stay there and stay out of earshot and sight. But the call was ending soon enough, since Jiwon's parents had been busy in the first place, and Jiwon let out a soft sigh as he rested his phone on the counter and contemplated about something that Junhoe wished he could know. But it was time to make his appearance, and even if his steps were quiet, Jiwon heard him and instantly looked up, blinking. "Junhoe-"

Junhoe shushed him, curling his arms around Jiwon's waist and pulling the guy flush against him, no distance between them because he didn't want any and all the fuzz, all the heart racing, all the blushing, it was all welcome. Jiwon bit his lip, not quite able to meet Junhoe's eyes even when Junhoe kissed his cheek. "I love you, you know that?"

"Yeah..."

"Thank you for telling them."

"I'd have had to do it _one_ day, right?" Jiwon replied, finally raising his gaze and Junhoe smiled, muttering, "Right," as Jiwon's hand cradled his cheek in one of the softest touches the world had to offer and Junhoe felt himself falling into yet another lovestruck abyss that didn't exist. But Jiwon existed, and that was so much more than enough.

"I didn't...I wouldn't have eavesdropped if you weren't talking about relationships, I promise."

"I know, baby."

"Sorry..."

"No, it's fine," Jiwon murmured, kissing Junhoe's temple before sighing again and Junhoe knocked their heads together slightly to get the elder's attention.

"You okay?"

"Just a bit overwhelmed, I guess. Even though not much happened."

"Why did you choose today to do it?"

"Because, I realised that I wasn't scared of it anymore. I'll always care about what my parents think but I really love what we have and that overpowers that, just in this kind of circumstance." Jiwon pressed their foreheads together, squeezing his eyes shut as he held onto Junhoe tight while the younger loosened his own hold, easing his fingers over Jiwon's hips as gently as he could. "Like...like I said yesterday. The world is ours. That means that I've got nothing to lose, right?"

"Still cheesy," Junhoe mumbled, trying so hard to push down his emotions but it got harder when Jiwon laughed in that beautifully happy way he always did and it was like he was some kind of unconventional siren, designed to pull Junhoe in with his charms all day every day but in the way where it was so innocent, not on purpose at all, and Junhoe didn't mind being under his spell one bit. "Extraordinarily so."

"You can pretend you don't love it but I can always see through you!"

"You must be delirious."

"Delirious for _you._ "

"That's really not as cute as you think it is."

Jiwon only shrugged, smiling all big and cheesy and pretty as Junhoe leant in to kiss him somewhere, his lips, face, _anywhere,_ but then he hesitated before he could. He swallowed, opening his mouth and a moment passed where Jiwon's happy expression turned concerned and his touch more soothing before Junhoe finally spat it out. "I really might hurt you, hyung. I've done it before. I could do it again."

"No," Jiwon replied instantly, soft and it was like the word was barely uttered but Junhoe's heart held onto it tightly. "You won't. I trust you, I trust you _so_ much. And even if you do hurt me then you'll fix it, that's what you always do and you do it in a way that makes me fall in love with you more so it's all okay in the end."

"How, though? What do I even do? How is that even possible? You love me so much, you can't love me more, I'm _sure_ that's defying some kind of law of physics."

"Well, you give me beautiful poems in a rundown elevator," Jiwon said, grinning brightly and Junhoe blinked at the memory. "You give me cute-ass monologues whenever you think you've hurt me in the slightest."

"I'm honestly sick of the words 'cute-ass monolo-"

"No you're not, you'll never be."

"Shut up."

Jiwon smiled again, leaning into Junhoe who held him up without minding as he whispered in Jiwon's ear, "Is your shoulder okay?"

"Eh..."

"What if it's an actual problem? This isn't the first time it's been hurt, right, you should get it checked out-"

"I'm _fine,_ " Jiwon soothed in his forever positive voice, stroking Junhoe's cheek reassuringly and Junhoe frowned, too sceptical and worried to believe him but then Jiwon was kissing him which was the absolute _worst_ thing because nothing could distract Junhoe better. The way Junhoe melted immediately made Jiwon giggle and Junhoe very almost gathered all his willpower to pull away then out of annoyance but no, Jiwon became the meanest person alive by sliding his hand onto the back of Junhoe's neck and pulling him closer, kissing his jaw gently and Junhoe shivered, closing his eyes as tight as he could. "Babe?"

Junhoe cracked one eye open warily, wincing immediately at the soft heart eyes Jiwon was giving him. "Stop looking at me like that..."

"I can't turn off my feelings for you, you know."

"You can try. My life would be so much easier if you do."

"But it wouldn't be as great."

"How can _you_ say that?"

"Because I know you're just big baby in a frost giant suit who loves being loved," Jiwon replied instantly without even thinking, squishing one of Junhoe's cheeks as the younger's face flushed bright pink and he was honestly contemplating punching Jiwon in the gut because he _could_ do that. That was a possibility. But no, it wasn't because then Jiwon was sliding a hand down to the one Junhoe had on the elder's hip, covering it gently before intertwining their fingers, each and every one, until Junhoe's hand was swallowed and safe like it always was in Jiwon's warm hold. Holding hands really just might be the pinnacle of their relationship, and it was honestly his favourite thing to do with Jiwon. "I'm gonna keep loving you forever, imagine that?"

"I'm gravely disappointed," Junhoe replied but his voice was breathy and everything but his words were giving his real feelings away, and having Jiwon roll his eyes at him as well as peck his lips sweetly was enough to have his mouth spill the truth too. "I wanna love you forever too, hyung. Until the very last second, until it's not possible to love you any longer and I know that might be a tough ask but these feelings are _legitimate_ and _strong_ and they're all for you and they don't _feel_ like they're going to deplete anytime soon and I just, I don't know, I want you to have all of them but that's gonna take me years, I'm sure of it."

"Well, we _have_ years," Jiwon said, his eyes sparkling as Junhoe stared right into them, all of his walls and fruitless defences crumbling to dust from one look that the most wonderful man ever was giving him. "We have many of them. We've got all of the time in the world. 'Cause you know, the world is ou-"

"Come on," Junhoe interrupted before Jiwon could finish the cheesy line, not even thinking for one second (because rare romantic impulses would always be Junhoe's thing) as he lowered an arm to the elder's legs before he was hoisting him up in his arms, holding him close to his chest and Jiwon let out a little screech, accidentally slapping Junhoe's chest in surprise before he quickly wrapped his arms around Junhoe's neck the instant the younger tried to take a step.

"What the _fuck-_ "

"I'm being courteous! You kept on leaning on me so this isn't much different."

"Are you actually fucking serious-" Jiwon cut off into a yelp when Junhoe started walking, an amused, whipped smile on his face as he said, "Don't go into your crazed swearing mode, hyung, I've got you."

"I'll kick you in the _face._ "

"I'll drop you."

"No!" Jiwon counteracted quickly, holding onto Junhoe tighter and a laugh bubbled up the latter's throat as he reached his room, nosing Jiwon's hair as he nudged the door open with his foot.

"I'd never do that, have some faith in me."

"Well, I kinda had faith that you'd never _carry_ me," Jiwon huffed, coloured a soft pretty shade of red that made Junhoe want to kiss him all over and maybe he would have if he had more guts. But he didn't so all he could do was lay Jiwon down on his bed and roll next to him, propping himself up with his elbow so he could look down at Jiwon who was squinting at the ceiling. "This isn't my _room-_ "

"It's mine."

"Oh."

Jiwon turned his head to look at Junhoe, both staring, almost challenging, before Jiwon curled a hand into Junhoe's shirt and tugged on it. "Come closer, idiot. I thought we'd conquered the no-man's land by now."

"Oh, right, right," Junhoe agreed but he still didn't do anything, leaving Jiwon to roll his eyes and move himself, his hand smoothing across Junhoe's waist slowly and the younger held back a squeak, but it was all okay. It was electrifying but familiar and Junhoe never minded being caught up in Jiwon in every single way.

"I love you," Jiwon murmured softly, his irises shining amidst their darkness with never-ending galaxies swirling in them, and then they were closed off from the world when Junhoe leant forward to kiss Jiwon's shoulder gently and the elder's eyes fluttered shut. "A lot."

"I know."

"You know."

Junhoe wondered after a moment if Jiwon was falling asleep. His head was on Junhoe's shoulder, his eyes were closed, his breathing was slow, but the problem was that it was barely seven pm and Jiwon probably had stuff to do. It was so difficult to tell him to wake up, though, especially when Jiwon burrowed into him slightly, mumbling the cutest spiels of quiet nonsense, and then Junhoe was defenceless. He had never really been good at telling Jiwon what to do, anyway.

He only tipped Jiwon's head back slightly, pressing a soft kiss to his lips that had Jiwon scrunching his nose up a little. "Night, hyung."

Jiwon mumbled something back, flopping his face into Junhoe's neck which made the latter grin. "I hope your shoulder gets better."

"It's not _hurt._ "

"Oh so now you can speak properly?"

Jiwon regressed into nonsense again and Junhoe rolled his eyes, hugging Jiwon tighter to him. Maybe an hour passed, where Junhoe was feeling incredibly drowsy too, when he muttered into Jiwon's ear in reply to the elder's earlier words, "I love you more."

Yeah, Hanbin and Jinhwan could definitely wait. Maybe forever. Maybe not. Jiwon was the one stealing all of Junhoe's attention right now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oijkwdshv i finally got binhwan in even though i haven't mentioned them in like 20/24 chapters lmao 
> 
> this might seem out of the blue, or not, but i thought that it would be better for you guys to know beforehand...tECHNically this is the last chapter but let's call the next one the last chapter even if it's the epilogue. i'm sad ): but all things must come to an end
> 
> have a nice day, and i'll see you then 💙


	25. flashback: jiwon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had this chapter written for ages and ages (to be fair i've tweaked it like twenty times now) oh my god I'm so so excited that I can finally release it hkjnschhfd
> 
> tbh I should wait like a day but I'm too excited and ahHHHH
> 
> HAPPY SLIGHTLY EARLY NEW YEAR EVERYONEEEE

**One month ago: New Year's Eve**

New Year's.

What a time.

Soft rain was falling out of the window that Jiwon was looking at, light and quick, and it wasn't quite the magical snow that adverts and clichés promised but rain was one of the few things that really made Jiwon feel comfortable. The pattering it made had become embedded into his memory and heart labelled with the words 'familiar', 'refreshing', 'exciting', and Jiwon was content with just looking out on the rain since for once, he was freezing and going outside and catching pneumonia didn't seem all that appealing. Rain that held no foreboding meaning of storm and danger was his favourite, where it just _existed._ Just fell from the sky for no reason. Fell to the ground without any purpose. Jiwon felt like he could relate with rain like that.

It wasn't long until midnight meaning a new day and a whole new year. Only seven hours were left and Jiwon had a notebook in his hand and a pencil between his teeth as he tried to think long and hard about some resolutions. He didn't have much just yet, only a few that he probably wouldn't ever get around to executing.

_i. Learn new fancy hot chocolate recipes to dazzle Junhoe with._

_ii. Save someone's life (if too hard to find an opportunity then DON'T try and kill just to save, you can count reminding Hanbin of an essay deadline)_

_iii. Pray more. Jiun-hyung's up there and he'd want you to forgive._

_iv. Write some letters because, being a computing major, you seem to have really forgotten what paper looks like._

_v. Fall out of love._

_vi. Study harder, you once made and pinned one hundred flashcards around the apartment, where has that mojo gone?!_  
_\- subnote: don't do the flashcard thing again though cause that kind of made Junhoe want to kill you, but it also made him remember the formulae for centripetal force! We're all winning here!_

Jiwon had got a text from Junhoe (who had taken the earliest shift possible but that was still five to eight) a while ago, saying that he was caught in traffic and it would take him a while to get back. The text had surprised Jiwon so much and he stared at it for a longer time than was probably deemed suitable, wondering if it actually existed before he quickly texted back _'cool have fun'_ before hitting himself in the head then thinking a bit more about his next text, _'dw bout it, thx for telling. you better come before midnite tho we gotta skive on local fireworks!'_

He smiled when he got a simple reply of _'i'll be there'._

Jiwon walked out of his room, still clutching onto his notebook and pencil, and peeked into Junhoe's, looking at the clock that read quarter past nine. Time was moving fast. Jiwon wasn't sure if he was quite ready to say goodbye to this year yet, the year where he had befriended new amazing people, become independent with his own apartment, felt truly _happy_ with how his life was going. It was also the year that he had met Junhoe, and that meant all sorts of things to him that had rewritten his stars, realigned his heart's desires in the way that beautiful, meaningful people just _did_ to you. He quietly walked into Junhoe's room with all of his thoughts in his head and took a seat on the younger's bed, pulling a knee up to his chest as he just thought for a moment. He still remembered the thing that Junhoe had said to him when they were first moving into this apartment.

_"Look, hyung, this? It's all perfect, you know, 'cause it's all ours."_

Jiwon smiled, amazed, at the memory of Junhoe being utilitarian but quietly happy and Jiwon himself being so excited that he hadn't really processed Junhoe's words back then. But now it was knocking the breath out of him, making his heart flutter because it didn't make _sense._ They hadn't even been that close back then, Junhoe barely even expressed any emotion towards Jiwon until that one night in November, so it made Jiwon's head spin.

And as the weight of his notebook in his hand suddenly felt heavier, pressing down harder against his fingers, he decided that maybe it was too early to grant his resolutions now but his fourth one was screaming at him, pushing his pencil closer to his curled fingers, and Jiwon realised that letters didn't actually need to be ever sent to their recipient.

He first wrote 'dear' before quickly crossing it out, writing the 't' for 'to' before pausing, reflecting, and then he was writing 'dear' again.

_Dear Junhoe,_

_I really, really hope you know that if this letter ever gets to you, PLEASE read it with the kind of thinking that you were never meant to read it in the first place. This letter isn't meant for you and I know that doesn't make sense but this is a monologue (you'll appreciate that word, literature genius!), for me, about me, where I'm thinking of you. Because I do that a lot nowadays, you see. Thinking of you._

_I want to talk about all the little things. Where, us drinking hot chocolate together in silence means a lot more to me than it should. Where, each time I make you laugh, it feels just kind of like the biggest achievement of my life. These kinds of things are easy just like it's easy to like you. But it's not. Drinking hot chocolate in silence makes me wonder why we're so unable to fill the quiet. Making you laugh makes me wonder if that's actually all I'm good for, and that's all you could potentially like about me. Potentially, because to this day, I'm still not sure if you like me - not in that way, but like you like the others. A friend. Family._

_So you can see it, right? You can see why liking you isn't easy anymore because every day, it gets a little harder. Like tiny needles jabbing to counteract the spurts of happiness you give me. But the happiness is still there and it's not been overpowered yet, meaning...I'm still holding on to the little things? The little things, that might mean too much, at least to me._

_This is so going well. Totally. Not. Even a hypothetical Junhoe doesn't deserve this kind of rubbish._

_I'm not making sense but I've been realising lately that not everything needs to make sense. Clarity is up to me and so is nonsense and I'm messy, I'm stupid so falling for someone a hundred times better than me actually kind of does make sense which okay, maybe that contradicts my entire point but I don't have a point. Because, things don't need to make sense. Am I confusing you? Good. That was the point. The actual point. Not really. Now my head hurts...let's move on._

_I've been experimenting with a new hot chocolate type, you know, it includes vanilla. You know that vanilla's the second most expensive spice in the world? Makes absolute sense since it's to do with you, and now I'm getting offended that so many things make sense- okay let's just...calm. I had a funny thought, that the day I'd let you go, I'd make you the vanilla hot chocolate to mark the day I tried to do something about this mess. Honest to God, if someone held a knife to my neck and asked me my favourite scent, I'd say vanilla hands down but it's not even because I like vanilla (which I do don't kill me ok I'm just making a point which I DO KNOW HOW TO DO), I like you. My favourite scent is you. I love you. No wait ignore that last part, I'm just heated and starting to think this was a bad idea._

_The thing that I'm still trying to get to grips with is just how special you are. You shine, always, either right in front of my eyes or in my mind, and I don't think having my life impacted this much just by one person I met a few months ago is a good way to go. It kind of sucks because you're kind of the love of my life and kind of my dream guy and that's kind of scary and I could put 'kind of' in front of every word but it's not making this any easier, it's not stopping my hands from shaking like seriously, can you even read my writing at this point?_

_I think the key thing here is not denying anything. I know that I won't let you go even the day your lips taste vanilla (oh my God that sounds so poetic). I know that you're not actually my dream guy because you're loud and proud and tactless and confusing and difficult meaning you're far better than anything I could have ever thought up. I know that I'm using the excuse of 'not everything makes sense' to make me feel better about how stupid this all is._

_I know that I like you._

_And I know that, through all the tiny needle jabs and vanillary confusion, I don't regret it._

_As far as nonsense goes, I think that might take the cake. Do you agree?_

_(Fuck, this was long...I guess it's kinda nice to know that I have tons of feeling, maybe. It's not macho but it's like, comforting?)_

_Love, or like, or maybe just from??_  
_Jiwon_

Jiwon was signing off the letter, getting into a sort of daze as he drew stars around Junhoe's name and he half thought of going out to buy lipstick so he could do that thing that girls did where they would kiss their letter and leave a mark and it was stupid but Jiwon was in a stupid mood and Junhoe still deserved all sorts of things, even if they were stupid. He had used up two pages of his notebook with words that didn't match his scribbly handwriting, the pencil was a bit too faint, and it was like fate was trying to show clearly that this _wasn't_ meant to be read. Jiwon read it, though, many times. Over and over. Until it stopped being stupid, and it actually meant something.

His ears perked up when he caught sight of the lock on the front door being messed with and he instantly got up, hastily closing his notebook before sweeping over to the door of Junhoe's room and by the time he was peeking out of it, Junhoe was already inside with his slightly damp hair and glowing aura. Jiwon opened his mouth to say hi, a greeting, anything, but then Junhoe was twirling around to grin at him without even closing the door first. "Happy Eve, hyung."

Jiwon smiled brightly, all the sadness in his heart evaporating as he was about to say it back before Junhoe was peering at him curiously. "Why are you in my room?"

Jiwon didn't think much of it since Junhoe didn't usually mind when Jiwon went into his room, he just had that rule of 'never come in while I'm sleeping'. "I don't really know."

Junhoe only nodded in reply and Jiwon couldn't see the younger's expression as he turned to close the door, shaking his hair out. Then Jiwon was biting his lip, looking down at his notebook that he now had to start protecting with his life, before he quickly went over to his room and closed the door before adding a quick little note.

_p.s. I don't think I made it that clear (is this sarcasm or truth, you decide) but basically I have a crush on you. Just thought you'd like to also NOT know that (since you won't read this). And maybe it's not the right nor clever thing to do but, it's you. When it comes to you, I'm stupid, mindless, trapped._

_Maybe one day you'll set me free but until that day comes, I'll gladly keep falling head over heels for you._

_It's kind of my hobby now._

Then Jiwon ripped the letter out of the notebook and rested it on the windowsill before getting up, not realising until the next day that the wind had blown it away. Not until it was too late for it to matter anymore.

###

It was an hour before midnight when Jiwon peeked his head into Junhoe's room, a mischievous smile on his face as he held up two sticks in one hand and a bag of marshmallows in the other. This was his own tradition so he would do it whether Junhoe said yes or not, but he was hoping for it either way. Reciprocation and company were his favourite things, and maybe he didn't handle them well sometimes because he sucked at speaking but people made him happy. And, Junhoe made him happy.

"D'you wanna do something with me?"

"What?" Junhoe asked warily, eyeing the marshmallows as he sat up from where he was lying on his bed and writing something on a bundle of papers. Or maybe he wasn't _writing_ because there was no pen but either way, his eyes flickered in interest which made Jiwon's smile grow.

"I'll show you! It's fun."

Junhoe slowly nodded, putting the papers into his pocket as he stood up. "Alright..."

And Jiwon didn't know what Junhoe must have been expecting, maybe he had even guessed it right but the look on Junhoe's face when Jiwon brought him to the kitchen and handed him a stick was still priceless. It made Jiwon want to laugh though he was still worried about that being mean (around Junhoe, he couldn't help but have a high filter) so he only moved to turn on the stove. He watched Junhoe's eyes brighten only because the flame was reflecting in them, and that amazingly seemed to be the first time it clicked in Junhoe's head.

"We're going to...roast the marshmallows over-"

"The stove," Jiwon finished for him brightly, taking the stick back from Junhoe so he could punch a few marshmallows onto it. It took longer than expected and he could sense Junhoe keeping his distance but still looming over him nervously which only made _him_ anxious but then he was finished, and he brandished it to Junhoe with a proud, "Voila! Enjoy, my liege."

Junhoe flushed a little but he still grinned and Jiwon thanked God that the younger had taken the poor humour for what it was, then he was taking the marshmallowed stick and shoving it straight into the flame. Jiwon jolted in alarm, quickly grabbing onto Junhoe's wrist to pull it back as he yelped, "You _hover_ it, Junhoe, don't just shove it, it'll ruin the experience 'cause it'll be all charred and, and it won't _taste_ as nice-"

"Alright, I get it, sorry," Junhoe said quietly with a hint of annoyance and something else, lightly pushing Jiwon's fingers away from his wrist. Jiwon blinked, opening his mouth before realising that he just felt bad now and anything he could say would make it worse, so he fell quiet and focused on putting a few marshmallows on his own stick. But seconds later when he was turning back around and seeing Junhoe's eyes light up a little as he chewed on a roasted marshmallow, Jiwon couldn't feel upset anymore. "This is great, hyung."

"I'm glad the prince enjoys such a menial pleasure."

Junhoe raised an eyebrow at him, mouth full of gooey sugar as he said, "What _are_ you on about?"

"You know...rich kid, probably has their own campfire servant over this," Jiwon said, grinning at how slightly puffed Junhoe's cheeks were. It was only funnier when Junhoe's eyes widened in disbelief, trying very hard to swallow so he could fight back but then Jiwon was shaking his head in dismissal. "It's _fine,_ I'm kidding. You're not about that life. Or you're about it, but you can be _not_ about it too. Besides, anyone can appreciate stove-grilled marshmallows, it's in the Bible. Surely. Don't check my completely correct facts."

"You're weird," Junhoe muttered, shaking his head as he started hovering another marshmallow over the stove. Jiwon grinned to himself, saying a quiet, "I know", to a conversation that had already ended as he followed suit. Their hands bumped which made both of them recoil immediately, spilling out quick apologies as Junhoe looked away and Jiwon took the opportunity to fan his own stupidly warm face.

But in the split-second of silence that followed, Jiwon heard it. He heard a distant explosion, exceeded by a shimmer of vibrant colour.

"Fireworks," Junhoe said with wide eyes, having realised too, and they both stared at each other for a second before they were racing to Jiwon's room like quickfire, with Junhoe aggressively shoving open the door at the back of the room open to make way for their one small balcony and Jiwon jumped up and down excitedly, all jittery as the excitement of rolling, exploding sparks infused into his veins. The moments between and after were a complete blur but when he was leaning over the railing, Junhoe by his side as colourful bursts reflected in both their eyes and cold breeze ruffled their hair, that was all clear.

"I should've bought beer or something. Sorry," Junhoe said after a minute of awed silence, and Jiwon smiled without taking his eyes off of the fireworks. There weren't that many.

"It's fine. They're weaning out, aren't they? So they can go full force when it actually hits midnight."

"Yeah. Guess so."

Jiwon checked his watch.  _11:51._ So close to a new year, new beginnings. He still had his stick with one uncharred marshmallow on it so he held it out to Junhoe who looked so adorably amazed. All sorts of colours flashed on his face and he looked radiant through his childlike amusement, and Jiwon almost didn't want to ruin it though his dumb mouth still called out, "Hey, Junhoe."

Junhoe blinked, snapping out of his daze as his head bobbed a bit before he looked at Jiwon then at the stick. "For me?"

"Yeah, take it."

Junhoe just leant forward a bit and opened his mouth like a spoilt dog, making Jiwon flush but feel exasperated as he rolled his eyes, holding the stick out further. Junhoe giggled in surprise at the fact that Jiwon was entertaining him and the noise made Jiwon's ears tint pink. Too cute. He _really_ didn't know how to handle cute.

"Like predicted, they've stopped," Jiwon sighed a minute later into the foreboding silence, chucking his empty stick over the side while Junhoe nodded in agreement, chewing very slowly. Then Jiwon spun around, his back to the night sky and leaning on the railing as he gave Junhoe a look of anticipation. "Three minutes to go. Tell me something."

Junhoe blinked at him, finally swallowing. "Something."

Jiwon couldn't stop his grin. "An _actual_ something. Tell me your resolutions."

"Don't really have any."

"Anything you want to change?"

"Not much."

"Have you ever had a New Year's kiss?" Jiwon asked, his tone part awkward but it was mostly supposed to be jokey, even though he didn't really want to hear about Junhoe kissing someone else. Though Junhoe simply shook his head, turning to fully face Jiwon as he rested his arm on the railing and his cheek in his palm, his long fingers on porcelain skin as he pursed his lips a little. Times like these always reminded Jiwon that unorthodox angels with eyes and hair darker than night were one of his favourite things.

"I don't think I've even dated someone during New Year. We always break it off too late or too early."

"Shame."

"I thought you didn't think dating was a good thing."

"Wow, you still remember that?" Jiwon asked in surprise and Junhoe only shrugged. "I meant when it doesn't turn out _well,_ it's not good. When it turns out well then it's great but it's just never turned out well for _me._ That kind of thing."

"Oh..."

"I'm not trying to downplay love," Jiwon muttered, casting his eyes on the floor, at his dark trainers against the darker ground. "It's actually...really nice when it's all happy and good. One day I want that. One day."

Jiwon took a look at the watch on his wrist, swallowing hard as he tried not to think about the way Junhoe was looking at him so much, his eyes bright, fired up, and it made Jiwon feel strange and warm and he didn't know whether to focus more on that or the fact that it was 11:59.

_3!_

Junhoe was coming closer, small steps that were like glides because his footsteps were making no noise in contrast to the booming fireworks behind them and Jiwon was only looking at his face which held an emotion he couldn't recognise. It reminded him of something akin to love, but it couldn't be. It never would be.

_2!_

Junhoe finally stopped, right in front of Jiwon who could feel all of his heat and even though it was still so nerve-wracking, he felt like he could finally breathe. He realised with a start that him and Junhoe were making eye contact and he was getting lost, lost in Junhoe's dark, swirling eyes that Jiwon thought might just be prettier than any firework.

_1!_

"Hyung," Junhoe murmured with a slightly scratchy voice, his expression a mix of intimidating and nervous as he placed a hand on the balcony railing behind Jiwon, leaning forward a little because of it and Jiwon almost squeaked when he felt a small unidentified strand of Junhoe's hair brush his forehead. Junhoe was so _close._ So near. So...beautiful. Jiwon's eyes fell over the curl of Junhoe's eyelashes, the smoothness of his skin, the plush softness of his lips, and he suddenly had the thought that he might get his first ever New Year's kiss right here, right now. Junhoe's close proximity was making him go delirious. "Please don't hate me."

"I would never."

_0!_

"Will you go out with me?"

_Happy New Year!_

That question was what left Junhoe's lips instead of a premise of a kiss, and it was perfectly marked by distant screams and yells and a torrent of fireworks exploding into the sky from all different parts of Seoul. It was overwhelming, it was dramatic, but it was all perfect.

Junhoe's words were shaky and anxious but his adoring, shining eyes were boring into Jiwon's like the trails that shooting stars left. Yet Jiwon couldn't think about making a wish because he was frozen, mouth open and eyes wide as he thought to himself - _I'm dreaming. In one minute, I'll wake up lying on Junhoe's bed with the letter and the notebook in my hand and it'll still be 2018 and Junhoe'll still be stuck in traffic, **please-**_

"Please say something," Junhoe said after a second, his voice wobbly and eyes verging on glassy and Jiwon felt terrible, suddenly getting the urge to raise a hand and stroke Junhoe's cheek, hoping that the younger would fall into his touch. But Jiwon couldn't do it. "Anything."

Jiwon swallowed, blinking hard as he muttered, still counting on himself to wake up, "I-I'm still trying to process it-"

"I've been trying to ask you out for weeks," Junhoe muttered and Jiwon's breath hitched, his heartbeat collapsing in on itself but it was saved when Junhoe flicked his eyes up to meet Jiwon's again, looking so prettily shy like a kitten with a new owner. "I don't, I don't know _when_ I realised I liked you. I've been thinking about it though and I think it was a random moment, one of those unmemorable ones where you just end up realising things. I think it was a smile that made it happen. Smiles and sparkles."

Jiwon's heart fluttered, beating its failing wings against his chest. "God, you're adorable."

"I just said sparkles 'cause your eyes sparkle sometimes," Junhoe muttered, pink spreading across the bridge of his nose and Jiwon might have kissed it if he wasn't a coward who didn't know better because he felt so, so in _love._ "And I love it. Jesus Christ, I can't- I don't know what I'm doing. You said you didn't want to date and that's only one out of a _billion_ reasons why this is doomed but-" Junhoe let out a sigh, shaking his head as he turned back to face the sky and grabbed onto the railing with both hands, holding on so tightly before he relaxed, saying quietly, "One day, you said. I wanna be part of that one day. Those things you asked earlier...being able to ask you out is the only resolution I have. Just being your friend is the only thing I want to change. Sappy stuff. I'm...I'm gonna go, or throw myself off of this balcony, one of them 'cause I really really can't do this anymore-"

"Junhoe," Jiwon murmured, his voice croaky but somehow soft as he took a step closer, and Junhoe turned to look at him, all kinds of distraught. Jiwon thought of all of the things that he could do, like resting a hand on Junhoe's hip or wrapping his arms around his waist like a fairytale prince but in reality, he only reached out and tugged on the hem of Junhoe's shirt, scrunching it up in his fist and it somehow still felt intimate in a way that was only limited to them. And Jiwon didn't know if intimate was what he needed when he was excessively biting his lip and his heart was squeezing so painfully and he had this overwhelming urge to just _cry_ because none of this should be happening. This was all a mirage. A lie.

"You haven't answered yet," Junhoe muttered, clasping his hands together. "And that's okay. I-I shouldn't have expected anything, I just wanted you to know just how much I...you know. I like you. Oh God...okay yeah, I like you more than most things. I write poems about things I like. I've written tons of poems about you. Shit, why did I say that- it's just to accentuate how I feel because, I feel bigly- greatly? Very greatly. I have feelings. They, are...hard, difficult to keep in. Now I've exploded. Like these fireworks. Yeah."

Having Junhoe stumble over the sweetest words and flushing pink and going so uncharacteristically tongue-tied was like something Jiwon was reading out of a book, or watching in a movie. It didn't feel like it was associated with _him_ at all. It made him want to think 'Christ, the love interest must be amazing if he reduces such a tough guy to this' but _Jiwon_ was the love interest.

"Do I really mean that much to you?" Jiwon asked, and it wasn't that he needed validation, he just needed some kind of reason as to why this was _happening._ Junhoe had never given any signs, not apart from that one time he was drunk.

Junhoe only nodded in reply, and that was answer enough.

"Come on," Jiwon piped up, letting go of Junhoe's shirt before he walked away from the balcony and back into the house. He grinned when he heard Junhoe suddenly realise that he should be moving before hurrying after him, asking confusedly, "What are you-"

" _We,_ Koo Junhoe," Jiwon said giddily once they got near the door, and he picked up two coats from the coat rack before throwing Junhoe's one at the younger's unsuspecting face, "are going to go on a date. A very romantic date. All the homo."

Junhoe's eyes bugged as he stood still, just staring at Jiwon before saying louder than required, "W-Wait, what are you saying-"

"It means yes," Jiwon replied as he finished putting on the coat and went over to Junhoe, beaming so brightly as he just stared at the younger for a moment, at his surprised, elated but deliriously confused face. "I'll go out with you. There's nothing I want more so yes, kid, it's a yes and I'm not wasting a single precious second of this."

"Hyung, _I'm_ the one who asked you out," Junhoe whined as Jiwon tugged on his arm, dragging him towards the door. But he didn't sound even half as irritated as his words so suggested, instead it sort of sounded like his voice was trembling. "It's not fair if you get first date..."

"Yeah, well, not my problem," Jiwon teased and right before he opened the door, he looked down at Junhoe's hand. It was _right there._ So near to his own. If he just reached down and took it then it would defy all the laws of the universe and Jiwon would have completely succeeded as a one-minute boyfriend- not boyfriend, not boyfriends, not yet. Couple. Lover? Datee...? Just date? _Holy shit, I haven't dated someone in over a year, you can't ask me to-_

"Hey," Junhoe said, snapping Jiwon out of his meaningless thoughts before suddenly, Junhoe's arm was sliding along Jiwon's own and his palm locked onto the elder's, his fingers folding over the crook between his thumb and his forefinger to ghost over the back of his hand cowardly before slowly resting on it. There was no intertwining and it was messy and both their hands were slightly clammy but Jiwon's heart beating out of his chest was screaming that this meant _everything._

"Is- is this...Christ...isthisokay?" Junhoe rushed out, sounding almost squeaky but his voice was still low to the point that it was just all ridiculous, and Jiwon didn't know whether to laugh or coo or cry because the hand of the freaking crush of his life was in _his._ He was holding Junhoe's hand. Junhoe was holding his. Why wasn't the world falling apart and saving Jiwon from bursting into tears?

"Yeah. Yeah of course," Jiwon said, trying to sound cool but his voice still gave out at the end, he still turned red in embarrassment, and Junhoe still sent him a fond smile that he didn't see. All completely normal things when he was around Junhoe, to be honest. "So...let's go."

Junhoe nodded, squeezing Jiwon's hand gently and the elder was instantly filled to the brim with electricity and warmth. "Let's do that."

###

Jiwon looked over all of the heads, a toffee apple stick held tight in his fist, and he frowned as he tried to find a familiar face, or at least a familiar tuft of hair. He thought it was a lost cause for a moment until he found the person he wanted with his back to him, leaning against a tree and messing with his hair. Jiwon grinned widely before he crept up behind Junhoe, about to poke the younger and howl in laughter at his reaction but before he could, Junhoe was saying, "You're not very good at sneaking, hyung."

"Shut up," Jiwon grumbled as a knee-jerk reaction, letting his arms fall to his side before Junhoe was turning around to look at him and no, Jiwon couldn't possibly be annoyed anymore. Perfect Junhoe with his twinkling toothy smile and warm eyes and his glowing skin and the endearing smear of chocolate smudged across his face- God, Jiwon was enchanted. It was like a magnetic pull overpowered his cowardice and made him take a step forward, and he didn't miss the surprise that flashed across Junhoe's face.

"So...you chose toffee apple?"

"Yep. And I see your, what, chocolate...whatever that is?" Jiwon said curiously, staring at the puffed pieces of sugared pastry in the paper cone in Junhoe's hands, drizzled with chocolate and the younger nodded happily. Jiwon flicked his eyes back to look at him, mouth opening before he hesitated, then raised a wary finger, then muttered a little shyly, "You've got, um, something on your face..."

"Hm? Where?" Junhoe asked, blinking in confusion as he brought his own hand to his face but it was on the wrong side.

"Not there-"

"Here?"

"No, it's more like- to the left?"

"There?"

"No, it's, it's on your cheek."

"Ohhh...which one again?"

Jiwon shook his head, reaching his hand out without thinking as he muttered quietly, focused, "It's right here," but before his fingers could make contact, Junhoe was jerking away from him and rubbing his own cheek, finally getting the chocolate off and Jiwon let out a silent sigh of relief. Not that it would have been bad to have Junhoe go around like that, it probably would have been the most adorable thing but that whole process had been so _stressful-_ and now Junhoe was power-walking away from him, okay, fun.

"Hey, wait," Jiwon called out, hurrying after him then stopping to take a bite of his apple before he was off again. "Are you embarrassed? Don't be! It's not like I was trying to undermine you, getting something on your face is super easy like-"

Then Jiwon was gasping as something hot and trickly was suddenly being pressed to his face, solidifying in seconds and the culprit was grinning from in front of him, holding up a massive piece of pastry and seeming both slightly shy and incredibly satisfied. "Like that?"

"If this toffee was melted, you'd be _getting_ it," Jiwon snarled but it was more of a whine than anything as he took hold of Junhoe's wrist and pulled his hand closer before taking the pastry between his teeth, mumbling with his full mouth, "I deserve that now, do you object? Do you?!"

"N-No?" Junhoe squeaked, his eyes wide, jaw slack for a second as he stared at Jiwon who stared back, challenging at first before he suddenly felt silly and overwhelmingly stupid so he almost threw Junhoe's wrist away, muttering a small, weak, "Good," as he looked away. He didn't get to see the soft blush painting Junhoe's face, nor his small but growing smile that he tried to stop by biting his lip. Jiwon was always missing little things like that.

They found themselves in a coffee shop later that night, with Junhoe giggling at Jiwon who managed to get himself a froth moustache and their legs kept on bumping under the table which always reset the mood back to awkward and slightly heavy, but there was one moment where Junhoe was looking down at his cup, sipping his drink lightly and when their legs met again, Jiwon was about to apologise, but he felt Junhoe rubbing his shin gently against his. Jiwon's heart skipped a beat, his lips parting as he looked up at Junhoe who was still looking down, no hint of shyness in him - except for the pink tips of his ears. So Jiwon just grinned elatedly, rubbing Junhoe's shin back, thinking _'holy shit holy shit holy shit'_ as he took a sip of his own drink to cover his giddiness with fake nonchalance. Was this _flirting?_ Was Junhoe _flirting_ with him? Was Jiwon flirting _back?!_

_Jesus Christ, I might just faint..._

"Can you believe it's 2019 already?" Junhoe asked in wonder, looking out like he was in some sort of photoshoot and Jiwon raised an eyebrow at him, amused no matter how beautiful he looked.

"I guess not. But my only wish came true already, he's sitting right in front of me."

Junhoe squirmed a bit in his chair like a disturbed cat, lips pressed into a fond grimace as his cheeks flushed a beautiful pink and it all added up to the cutest thing Jiwon had witnessed and would _ever_ witness. "You can't _say_ that, that's not _fair_. I'm the one who really likes you..."

Jiwon's poor heart was getting attacked far too much today. "Yeah, w-well, so do I. I don't know how the hell I haven't given you any signs yet but I do. So, _so_ much, you'll never know how much."

Junhoe stared at Jiwon for a moment, eyes shining like they held a million words and Jiwon didn't know the meaning of any of them but he still stared back for the sake of staring, for the sake of sentiment and basking in a beautiful moment. It was like a whisper of 'it's finally happening' passed between them because this, this was something they'd _both_ been dreaming of for so long. And then the moment fell apart because Junhoe pulled his leg back and hit his knee on the underside of the table, making a loud yell fall from his lips and Jiwon jolted, almost screaming too. "Fucking _hell-_ "

"I-I think we should go, don't you?"

"Good idea... _ow_..."

Jiwon waved happily at the late-night worker (honestly, it was half past one am and that girl deserved a medal) before he caught up with Junhoe who was already outside, waiting by the door. Jiwon was about to call out a 'hey, stranger!' before he saw Junhoe reading something. It was his bundle of papers, the one he had been writing/not writing in before marshmallows over the stove. Jiwon was getting slightly curious about it.

"Hey," Jiwon said as he walked up to Junhoe and the younger blinked out of a daze, turning his head to smile at the elder.

"Hi."

"Should we go?"

"Lead the way."

Jiwon did lead the way. They walked beside each other, together, minds separate but atmospheres intertwined and when they reached the riverbank that was speckled with lanterns hanging along wires above the river, Jiwon said, "Let's just rest here for a while. It's my most favourite place in the city. Maybe the country. Perhaps the world."

Junhoe smiled in this kind of attentive, tender way at him (which Jiwon missed, again) as he sat down first, stretching out his legs and facing the high street, the moonlight drawing shadows from the sharp, strong lines of his face while also accentuating the soft parts beautifully, making them all the more angelic. Jiwon felt his heart burst so very gently as he slowly sat down next to the angel, feeling too awed to be in his presence.

"They're building something there," Junhoe said, pointing ahead and Jiwon finally tore his eyes away from Junhoe, nodding in realisation when he saw the shop with washed out windows and ladders and paint that had been left behind overnight, it seemed. "Looks like it'll be done soon."

"Looks like a diner thing."

"We should go there when it's ready."

Jiwon turned to look at Junhoe in amazement, already blushing slightly. "Seriously? You wanna plan ahead like that?"

"I just thought it'd be nice," Junhoe mumbled, looking shy all of a sudden as he looked back down at his papers, flipping it over in his hands before pulling some apart. Jiwon looked at it for a moment, burning up with unwelcome curiosity before he couldn't help but blurt out, "What's, um...if you don't mind me asking. What is that?"

"Poems. Just some quickfire poems," Junhoe replied, looking back at the pages which he smoothed out with his fingers. The paper looked worn out, like it had been read and thumbed many times, and Jiwon felt all sorts of curious yet again. "I write a lot of those."

"I know."

"I wrote this one...this one, called 'the hot chocolate effect'," Junhoe said, an amused, nostalgic grin spreading across his face as he kept his eyes on the book while Jiwon couldn't take his eyes off of Junhoe. "It's quite nice. I think I might've been drunk while I wrote it, but I definitely remember feeling very in love. Smitten. Fond. Those kinds of feelings. Maybe I _was_ drunk, because I was visualising who I wrote about but I still didn't let myself think, 'Oh. Maybe I like this person.' I'm so dumb."

"May I read it?" Jiwon asked hopefully even though he felt hopeless in reality, not expecting much from it but Junhoe's poems were beautiful, and his words always meant something to Jiwon, he could think up things so intricately gorgeous, and other times he drew beauty through words of simplicity and childlike wonder and it was all so perfect. Not to mention that he was wondering who it was about (if it was about barista guy which it probably was then Jiwon would throw a _fit)_ but as he was lost in his thoughts, Junhoe pushed the paper towards him, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked away, looking regretful already.

"Sure."

Jiwon beamed, inflating with anticipation as he took hold of the notebook and scanned his eyes over it before he realised that he couldn't skim-read this, even if he tried. Every cute word pulled him in, and it made his insides feel warmer than...hot chocolate?

 _The hot chocolate effect is my newest theory._  
_You make me hot chocolate,_  
_With chocolate eyes and chocolate smiles,_  
_And the effect is that it makes me melt,_  
_Like I'm hot chocolate, but not the drink kind._

 _The hot chocolate effect is my best theory._  
_The drink only gets more mollified by your sweetness,_  
_And I wish I could taste you instead,_  
_And the effect is that you make me warm,_  
_Like I'm hot chocolate, with sprinkles of your love._

 _The hot chocolate effect is my favourite theory._  
_It makes chocolate bunnies like you hop through my mind,_  
_Marshmallow jumps and whipped cream landings,_  
_And the effect is that it makes me soft,_  
_And if you're my hot chocolate, then I can be yours._

"Honest to God, Junhoe," Jiwon murmured, heart beating fast as he felt in the bubble of a moment completely and utterly enamoured, and he barely registered Junhoe coming up behind him to rest his head just at his shoulder, but not on it. "That was the most wonderfully adorable thing I've ever, _ever_ read."

"It's about you," Junhoe said, the sentence coming out of his mouth like a soft but quick rush of words that hit Jiwon's ears all at once, lifting the hair on his arms and destroying every inch of cold surrounding him. Nothing could possibly not be warm anymore, even if it _was_ January. "Of course...of course it's about you. It's easy to write poems about you. You...always stand out to me. You're on my mind a lot."

Then Jiwon was turning to the side while Junhoe was mid-monologue, staring at the younger with disbelieving, amazed eyes but Junhoe didn't let him speak, only tugging on Jiwon's coat gently as he continued in a wobbly voice, "You're just so special, and I'm still trying to figure out all the reasons why. I couldn't ever say that to you before so I don't know why I am now but-"

"I'm yours," Jiwon said, out of the blue, as he moved closer to Junhoe just a bit. Their arms were almost touching now, and Junhoe blinked at Jiwon in faltering surprise. "I'm yours now so it feels like you can tell me more things...I think that's why? It seems reasonable. 'Cause you don't need to be afraid anymore. It's not as weird to say stuff like that now."

"Are you...are you really mine?" Junhoe whispered, no louder than the wind's whistle and the amount of emotion and strain in his voice was enough to send Jiwon over the edge as he nodded, feeling weakened immediately when he saw the telltale shine of Junhoe's eyes. If Junhoe cried right now then Jiwon with his heart currently on a string would burst into tears too and neither of them could deal with that, not now, not yet.

"Really. You're mine too."

Junhoe bit his lip, looking down as he slowly nodded and Jiwon pushed the papers back into Junhoe's hand to give him a small excuse to brush his fingers against the younger's to give a tiny source of chicken comfort, the only thing he could give. But then Junhoe was grabbing onto his fingers like they were his lifelines, using his other hand to move his papers as he murmured shakily, "I'm yours, you're mine, and tonight is...ours. This year is ours. 2019 is _ours._ "

"Oh God, are you really that sappy?"

"Maybe," Junhoe said, smiling so elatedly and Jiwon was amazed by how the most beautiful angel in the world had granted him his presence, in the most unorthodox way he could think of. "And you'll find out, too. We've got ages ahead of us, don't we? To find out stuff about each other and just be..."

"Us?"

"Yeah, that sounds nice. Us. _Wow._ So that's- that's a thing now. Holy shit." 

Jiwon laughed in the most emotional, choked up way he had ever laughed no matter how much he tried to hide it, his happiness capacity overflowing as he nodded, squeezing Junhoe's cold fingers tightly. "Happy New Year, Junhoe."

Junhoe nodded, murmuring it back as he held their intertwined fingers close to his chest and closed his eyes for a moment, like he was praying but Jiwon knew that he was just overwhelmed, like he was; and while Junhoe was caught up in himself, Jiwon looked away and made a small fist-pump, mouthing at the grass 'best year _ever'._

Time is relative, but whether it was one hour into a relationship where they still had trouble looking each other in the eye, one week where a kiss on the cheek brought both their hearts to their maximum capability of beats per minute, or even one month where they loved each other more than anything and kisses and sweet words were their will to survive: it still all meant that the world was theirs because they had found the key to a simple story of incredible love, amidst so much mess and rubble.

 _"Tonight is ours,"_ Junhoe had once said.

"Forever is ours," was what Junhoe said now, a month later, a place in the future that New Year's Junhoe and Jiwon wouldn't have _ever_ been able to predict, and Jiwon smiled at him adoringly as he pressed a kiss to all he could get to, finally landing on Junhoe's lips. The younger kissed back gently, pulling Jiwon down closer while curling his arms around Jiwon's neck lazily, and the elder was so in love with the way Junhoe would always break a kiss to stare at Jiwon in dizzy amazement only for a second, as if to say an unspoken _'I can't believe you exist'._

"Where did that come from?"

Junhoe shrugged. "I just remembered New Year's. I had to update a promise."

"Alright," Jiwon replied though he was still confused but then Junhoe was kissing his temple and he smiled, laying his head on Junhoe's shoulder. "Ours. I love that word."

"'Cause the world is ours?"

"Aww, you're learning!"

Junhoe rolled his eyes before resting his head against Jiwon's, smiling to himself as he played with the hem of Jiwon's shirt. "I _am_ learning. I'm learning a lot."

"I'm glad," Jiwon murmured, his voice soft this time around and he only became softer as Junhoe started brainwashing him with a million gentle pecks to his lips and suddenly kisses were falling all over Jiwon's face like rain, making the elder laugh out and bat at Junhoe harmlessly, whining something akin to 'stop' but he probably wasn't convincing enough. He decided to kiss back soon because he was nothing if he couldn't defend but even less if he couldn't _attack_ and then they were both laughing at each other, their limbs entangled messily and lips tired but still going strong, just for each other. 

"Look at you," Junhoe said quietly, his fingers brushing through Jiwon's hair so lightly as the latter ended up on top of him after the kiss fight and Jiwon didn't know if he was too heavy or not but Junhoe didn't seem to mind, especially from the adoring look in his eyes that was making Jiwon's toes curl. "You're...glowing."

"Glowing? Really?" Jiwon asked with a raised eyebrow but Junhoe shook his head, lacing an arm around Jiwon's waist with his fingers playing with the hem of his shirt.

"I'm not trying to be sappy or cheesy, it's like- _literal_. You look so happy and just, pretty. Handsome, hot, whatever. But you _are_ really pretty."

Jiwon didn't know why but he kind of _believed_ Junhoe when he said that, because Junhoe's beautifully soft gaze running across his face over and over was the most ego-boosting thing in the world, and Jiwon had never before thought of himself as pretty in any way but he didn't deny it as he rolled off of Junhoe but still stayed close, pressing a soft kiss to Junhoe's jaw and it was exhilarating to have Junhoe kiss him back, just on his cheek but it still meant more than any words. Jiwon's heart swelled when he felt Junhoe's hand slip under his shirt, probably by accident from the way Junhoe froze up, but his fingers were so warm as the pads of them pressed into Jiwon's bare skin and the elder was floating into dreamland.

_'Maybe one day you'll set me free but until that day comes, I'll gladly keep falling head over heels for you.'_

_Over and over again._

"I love you, Koo Junhoe, I love you so so _much._ "

"Why are you full-naming me?" Junhoe asked curtly even if his eyes softened and Jiwon saw it, making him grin. "What did you do?"

"Nothing, the toaster's fully intact this time. I promise!"

Junhoe gave Jiwon a _look_ but still let it go, burrowing into the elder a little as he grumbled, "Good. If it wasn't then I wouldn't love you back."

Jiwon gasped ear-splittingly in offence, feeling so slandered. "Do I mean that little to you?"

"No," Junhoe mumbled, resting his head against Jiwon's chest which was definitely a new thing. So new. Jiwon wondered if Junhoe could hear how fast his heart was beating. "The toaster just means more to me than it should."

"Makes sense," Jiwon snorted, smiling contentedly into Junhoe's hair as he held the younger so tightly, in a way that had Junhoe looking up at him in question. Jiwon only kissed his nose to answer it. "I'm not letting go of you, you know."

"Maybe you will," Junhoe murmured, reaching down for Jiwon's hand almost hesitantly but he got there, threading their fingers together like it was second nature because it _was_ , it was second nature that Jiwon would never ever be able to forget. "At one point."

Jiwon frowned, and all sorts of memories started rushing back to him in fragments, sometimes flashing past too quickly for him to register but they were all _there_ in his head, in his heart, and they always would be. Memories of awkward dates, bubbles, crying together, sitting on a shopping mall floor, hair ties, holding hands through hundreds of scenarios, yelling at each other in a bar, questioning their exclusivity, flowers, shopping with sales and watermelon kids and mirrors, breathtaking first kisses. _More_. There was so much more. They had been through it all, and more.

They had a long, long time to go through even more in addition to more.

"I really don't think I will. Not until the world isn't ours anymore."

"Are you implying never?"

"I'm _definitely_ implying never."

_We've got forever to explore what's ours, after all._

_ **the end** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so 
> 
> ahh 
> 
> ahhhHH? 
> 
> AHHHHHH?! 
> 
> I don't know how to begin, I really don't, I mean I'm already emotional enough holy shit. like that wasn't even good was it but like IT'S DONE SOMETHING TO ME I AM- REALLY MY HEART MUST BE IN A PUDDLE OF TEARS RIGHT NOW
> 
> can you believe that this book which I started in JUNE has actually only covered like four weeks in the actual fanfic? talk about slow burn oh my god, I was shaken when I realised. I've been reading over the earlier chapters recently (mostly just to evoke nostalgia and inwardly crY) and I've realised that when I started this, I did NOT mean it to get as deep as this book ended up getting. like not a chance, even my writing style has matured in these six months (I've been writing this for half a year holy shit how even) but to be honest, I'm glad it got so deep because otherwise it wouldn't have ended up meaning as much as it does. gosh I have put SO much love into this story, so much care and affection that I didn't even know I had and it just oozes into sappiness that makes me sicK but like a good sick, you know? the kind of sick when your sister hugs you for twenty minutes or you get so invested in a drama which is so cheesy but so GOOD - I mean I'm not saying that this book is good, I'm saying that junbob is ;-; 
> 
> I hope you guys have been able to feel all the love in this book :* gosh i want to say more but I've already said so much and my mind is going blank and this is all just- 
> 
> have a happy, happy new year, I hope that 2019 is an amazing year for you ALL. writing this story has made my 2018 great and I'm excited to do more with that in mind? and 2018 was for sure junbob's year, so who knows what 2019 has in store? I'm wishing you all the best, and I love every one of you to pieces 
> 
> i have one more thing to post (it's not a chapter but...) but for now, signing off!


	26. extra - poems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just in case you were interested, here are all of junhoe's poems that have been in this story, either actually written or referenced AND a few extra. I'll mark 'new' next to the ones that are solely for this chapter

i. ch. vii - at the date - **'something else' + extra lines**

_You're always something else._   
_The way you make me lose control of my hands, my feet, my mouth, my heart,_   
_You'll always be something else,_   
_As fire burns bright in my veins that were cold at the start._

_It's dark but light still flickers in my mind like a cloud,_   
_Of memories I can't fight, memories of tonight,_   
_And my hand decides that yours needs to be found,_   
_By mine so I can adore you quietly under the moonlight._

_Maybe I'm stupid for reading this so,_   
_I could be wrong, completely off as you think nothing that I am,_   
_But I hear your voice say— "Can I do something before we go?"_   
_And you ask for a kiss that we're not ready for but goddamn,_

_It's still magical, and I crumble to pieces._   
_I know I'm falling in love with you more as we try our best,_   
_And I'll always hope this warmth never ceases._   
_You're forever going to be something else._

\----

ii. ch. xii - before the first kiss - **'fallen angel'**

_He lies like a fallen angel, darkened hair growing long as if it reaches the tips of his coruscating soul._

_Some say his warmth gives leeway to discerning deception, but all I see is laughter in the smile he gives me._

_It's hard to think coherently the instant our eyes meet, but I know my heart flourishes to become whole._

_And he'd never comprehend how much he means to me, the fallen angel who indisputably makes me weak._

\----

iii. ch. xvi - **'aftertaste'**

_It's hard to know myself with you there._   
_Do you change me in a moment, or have I changed because of you?_   
_Your aftertaste always lingers wherever I go,_   
_Am I a mess who's obsessed, or are you just an angel?_

_You're the sun's skin and the moon's touch,_   
_I'm the rain who drips sadness and desolation,_   
_You love the rain, do you love me?_   
_We'd make rainbows, if I let myself fall into you._

_You laugh in crystals and smile in jewels,_   
_You're a spark of rare beauty in foreign light,_   
_I love you knowing why but not how_   
_out of eight billion and counting,_   
_Why was your aftertaste the one that stuck?_

_I am the darkness but I'll always find enough light,_   
_To find you just so I can adore you some more,_   
_And when the shadows and the curtains fall,_   
_I know you'll still be there,_   
_Waiting with a bejewelled smile and a soft kiss,_   
_So I can keep falling in love with your aftertaste._

\----

iv. **'fuzz' (new)**

_Fuzz never used to be a complicated thing,_   
_not until it broke through my skin_   
_and wrapped around my heart._   
_Its innocence doesn't suit me_   
_but it's tied up like string,_   
_squeezing tighter at every word_   
_coming from your pretty lips_   
_that's like a simple work of art._

\----

v. **'don't fall' (new, written before they were dating)**

_I keep on telling myself to not fall._   
_'Don't do it because you'll regret it all'._

_I'm not a weak leaf vulnerable to the wind around it,_   
_I'm not a coward who runs at the single sight of you and happiness,_   
_Or maybe I am, if the definition runs synonymically_   
_with an idiot with a penchant for the brightest of smiles,_   
_Soft hair, smooth skin, the most beautiful laughing eyes,_   
_Who can't do anything about the love deep within him_   
_because his heart is more than weak and the angel makes him weaker._

_What use is it to fall in love?_   
_It all breaks apart, no universal messages from above_   
_saying it's going to work out because it'll never,_   
_It's doomed from the start, we'll never have forever._   
_So tell me why you have to make my heart thud with one look,_   
_Fluttering with one smile, skipping from all the heartbeats you took._   
_Why are you doing this to me?_

_Don't fall._   
_Don't do it, don't be subject to emotion that's counterfeit,_   
_Don't fall._   
_Forget soft smiles, cackles of delight and warm hot chocolate,_   
_Don't fall._   
_And maybe if I say it enough times, I won't do it._

_I won't do what I've already done._

\----

vi. ch. xxi - at the memorial service - **'don't be sad'**

_My mother once said to me, 'When you grow old,_   
_You'll have millions of stories untold',_   
_She told me she didn't have time,_   
_To tell me all of hers tonight,_   
_I told her 'one day, I'll know everything about you!'_   
_She smiled and patted my head, saying maybe that would be true._

_My mother once said to me, 'You'll be fine,_   
_I'll be here every step, every road, every line',_   
_And she held me tight,_   
_Nothing felt more right,_   
_And I felt so important in that moment,_   
_As if she was looking for someone to love, and I had been chosen._

_My mother once said to me, 'Don't be sad,_   
_I've loved you for years with all I had._   
_I'll never stop, even after my last breath,_   
_And I'll see you again when your own curtains fall for the end.'_   
_The last rose petal fell,_   
_Heaven cast one more spell,_   
_And she left me as I held her with tears in my eyes,_   
_But she had told me everything I needed to keep going in life._

_Her stories in my head,_   
_Her protection in my soul,_   
_Her love in my heart._   
_She was mine but heaven needed another angel to be,_   
_And I could go on knowing that she still loved me,_   
_And through soft whispers in the wind and prayers at night,_   
_She was still telling me in her own beautiful way to live my life._

_'Don't be sad'._   
_I'm trying, ma._   
_You were the one who raised me,_   
_And I'm living on for myself though without you it's crazy,_   
_But at the end of the day, I'll repeat,_   
_Your stories, your words, each breath that you'd leave,_   
_I think to myself that I'm selfish while you were kind, cold while you were warm,_   
_Dark amidst your light, you leading the way through my storms,_   
_I know for sure I'm many things you're not,_   
_But I do know I'll always be your son, no matter what._

\----

vii. epilogue - **'the hot chocolate effect'**

_The hot chocolate effect is my newest theory._   
_You make me hot chocolate,_   
_With chocolate eyes and chocolate smiles,_   
_And the effect is that it makes me melt,_   
_Like I'm hot chocolate, but not the drink kind._

_The hot chocolate effect is my best theory._   
_The drink only gets more mollified by your sweetness,_   
_And I wish I could taste you instead,_   
_And the effect is that you make me warm,_   
_Like I'm hot chocolate, with sprinkles of your love._

_The hot chocolate effect is my favourite theory._   
_It makes chocolate bunnies like you hop through my mind,_   
_Marshmallow jumps and whipped cream landings,_   
_And the effect is that it makes me soft,_   
_And if you're my hot chocolate, then I can be yours._

\----

viii. **'ours' (new)**

_I think about what's new, and I think about what's ours._

_The new things are kisses and fizzling fuzz,_   
_Glazed with purple and lavender and all things he does,_   
_Fingers laced with mine and sparkling heart eyes,_   
_So gorgeous it's scary, so hard to believe he's mine._

_Hair ties, excuses, for my hands through his so soft hair,_   
_Delicacy in spontaneity, impulsive instincts with gentle flair,_   
_Battling the distance, so I **can** be near what I find dear, _   
_Until I'm so close, his soft whispers of love hit my ear._

_Tears that brush across the skin of his thumb,_   
_Misguided words, scared decisions, we fix every one,_   
_Building something special with all of the love we have,_   
_One day we'll build mountains, and he'll say it's not enough._

_He'll be right._   
_He's never wrong, in my eyes._

_All the new things have become our things,_   
_Spinning our love story as simple as it is,_   
_The perfection is alien but implications so human,_   
_As stars shine anew in his eyes and reflective themselves in mine, forever he says, forever divine._

_Tell me, Kim Jiwon, if the world is ours,_   
_Let me take your hand and explore it, and never, ever stop._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year in advance, lovelies <33


End file.
